The last few days/weekends have been tough trying to help my father. If you follow my story, then you know our relationship has been a strained one. To make a very long story short, lately he has had an attitude with me but with no one else. He become so mad a few weeks ago, that he told me did not care if I ever came back. So, that particular day, I finished with what I was doing and left. Then as I was leaving, he says.. "So you are not coming back even if get really bad sick?" I told him that because of the type of person Iam, that I will continue to help him but I will never feel the same when I'm at his house. Thank God for the lady who helps out as well because I could not do this alone plus I work.
I have been trying to find ways to cope. Including giving myself a time limit to get tasks done at his house and then I leave and I also attend counseling when I have the extra money, but I'm searching for other ways. I also pray all the time. I salute all of you who are caregivers!!!!
Your stubborn, probably mentally ill and demented father won't hire help and won't appoint you or anyone else Power of Attorney.
The quickest way to get him help is to let him fail.
As in, he falls, the EMTs come, see he's not well, not able to live alone. They take him to the hospital. He gets placed.
With HIS money, you get a coded key box to be attached to his front door/porch (it's called a realtor's box). The key code is given to the medical alert company; they give it to the EMTs.
Stop. Showing. Up.
Earlier in the your post you said that your dad was angry because you wouldn’t quit your job and move in with him.
Please don’t ever quit your job and don’t ever consider moving in with him.
Let me remind you that your dad didn’t have any grace for you during your lifetime. You certainly don’t owe him any grace now.
In fact, even if he were ‘father of the year’ in your life, you still wouldn’t owe him anything.
Now, if out of the kindness of your heart you want to see that he is placed in a facility, then that should be the extent of his care.
Unless, you choose to be his advocate in a facility. Otherwise, he will sink or swim, just like he expected from you!
He will not change.
I sense you need to deal with 'what's running' you to continue on as you are.
I do not know your story from prior writings however I believe that your father is responsible for himself and the decisions he makes ... and getting the help he needs.
You are taking his care upon yourself as your responsibility. Why?
It is a matter of understanding why you are behaving / reacting as you do and knowing when and how to set boundaries. If you do not set personal boundaries, you will 'continue to be his punching bag' - which, of course, could be from both years / decades of the interpersonal relationship and current medical / dementia issues.
If you feel you 'have to' do xxx then you need to really look at that. Do you?
And if yes, why? Are you making your (abusive?) father your responsibility? Why?
You need to get the rest you need. Burn out is one thing, however the bottom line (to me) in this relatinship (father - daughter) is how you feel about yourself. What is your level of self-esteem? feelings of self-worth? How do you value yourself?
You may need to give yourself space from your dad - for months perhaps - or longer to find out who you are and learn how to feel good about yourself. If you do not respect yourself, no one else will; you have to set boundaries for yourself or others will (as your dad seems to be doing).
I don't mean to sound cold here - I want you to feel good about yourself and not make your dad your responsibility.
What are you praying for? Praying is fine although it needs to be 'backed up' with behavior and that starts with how you feel about yourself and being clear on the choices you (want to) make. From my point of view, I would 'pray' for the willingness to care - love myself - knowing this may feel very strange and learn how to do it anyway. "Pray" to hang in there when you don't want to change because it is unfamiliar and its easier to stay stuck.
Coping requires self-care:
- taking breaks
- renewing yourself however you can
- exercise, meditate, eat healthy
- make time for fun
- getting enough sleep
- get respites (days off or a week off as needed)
It is not easy to be a caregiver to a loved-one. It is really hard as we are pulled emotionally and psychologically.
However, coping / and caregiving must start with you caring about yourself - and taking care of yourself. Otherwise, you will burn out - not function for yourself or be available to help / support your dad (however you decide to do that, or continue to do that).
When you are in therapy/counseling, what does the therapist tell you?
Gena / Touch Matters
You said no.
And then you showed up.
Stop falling for this.
Did you call APS ? You posted on March 31 , that you would be talking with them the next day .
The person I needed to talk to was unavailable. She will be back tomorrow.
I'm not sure if you all remember me posting about family members on his side treating me as if I do not do anything for him . Well, the tide has turned suddenly. I have spoken with two of them and they are both in agreement that he needs a facility. One even reached out to me and said I needed to stand up to him and not let him treat me the way he does. I'm not sure who she has been talking to but I must have an advocate somewhere. She even told me to call APS if he refuses. So to all of you are going through tough times as a caregiver, hang in there. It is so very hard to block out the negative. But those are usually people who are not going to lift one finger to help you.