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Hello, My 85 year old mom and I have always been extremely close. My mom is my best friend and she is my heart. Her health has been deteriorating over the last year. As of today she is so sick, she doesn't eat or drink because she throws it back up. Her legs are so swollen she can't walk and she sleeps constantly. I think she may be at the end stage of life. I am the only sibling who has ever been by her side, even through the disrespect, and horrible things she would say to me quite frequently. She specifically told she wants to stay in the house and No doctors or anyone is allowed in the house. I can see she is in alot of pain.But I am following her wishes and doing what she told me. I go over there daily as long as I can. But I am unable to stay the whole day as I have health issues myself. I was wondering what does a person do when a parent is like this. Absolutely no one in the house and No hospital or doctors at all. She wants to pass in the house. I cry alot. I am so sad because we no longer have 2 to 3 and 4 hours of conversation, sometimes more. Is there anyone who can give Some advice on this matter. Thank you very much!

I agree with others who said to get hospice support as soon as possible. My mother also did not want anyone other than family (mainly me) in her home. Luckily for mom, she very much trusted her pulmonologist who recommended hospice care. As others have suggested, is there anyone (a doctor, clergy or friend) who can speak to her?

Because hospice requires 24/7 care, mom HAD to accept the fact that I couldn’t provide it all myself, as I had a home, family and job. But hiring someone to come in against her wishes was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Luckily, mom built a good relationship with the first caregiver, and I was able to bring in more help over time.

My mom passed away almost 7 months ago. I do not regret for one moment making the decision, against her wishes, to bring in help. Mom got to die at home the way she wanted to. She was clean, well fed, had proper medication and did not suffer (beyond the inevitable suffering that comes with a fatal illness). I was lucky enough to be by her side when she actually died.

I she was in hospice for over six months. I couldn’t have done it alone. Things would have been much worse for her had I tried. I’m sorry for what you are going through, and I wish you the best.
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Reply to LilyLavalle
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AlvaDeer Sep 23, 2024
Good to see you on the Forum, Lily!
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Hospice will allow her to pass in the house. They can prescribe Lasix which will help with her leg swelling and also prescribe pain pills.

Call hospice and get an RN out to the house or call 911 and they will take her to the emergency room. If she does not want treatment to extend her life calling hospice is might be the better choice.

Please call hospice or 911. It is the humane thing to do and will get her access to pain meds.
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Reply to brandee
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You call an ambulance that takes her to the ER, where she’ll be evaluated and treated for issues, including pain. If you love her, you shouldn’t let her suffer. It may be time for hospice, which will provide help for both of you.

Your mother has placed a terrible burden on you with her unreasonable demands. Also, allowing her to suffer could be considered elder neglect. There are penalties for that.

Be the grownup and act like one. You have a moral responsibility that outweighs what your mother has ordered you to do, and I wish you peace in taking care of her - not as she wishes, but as you should.
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Reply to Fawnby
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It was cruel of your mother to make this awful demand of you. Watching someone you love die slowly in pain is horrible and she shouldn’t expect you to do such. Call and have her transported to a hospital. She will still be allowed to refuse life extending measures but she will be made comfortable. Most importantly, you will not have this burden alone and can never be accused of not caring. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Please contact the Hospice of your choice.
They will evaluate her along with talking to her doctor.
The Nurse will make sure she is comfortable. the Nurse will also order any equipment and medical supplies that you will need.
A CNA will be assigned and the CNA will give m om a bath, shower or a bed bath if that is necessary. And the CNA will order all the personal supplies that you will need.
More important they will reassure you and mom that her comfort is priority.
they will give you both emotional support.
Unless it is medically unsafe mom can remain at home.
The Hospice Nurse will take care of everything when mom dies, they will make the call to the funeral home. (If you have one chosen let them know on their first visit so they have that information.)
((hugs))
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My brother was dying and didnt want to fight it any more. We called hospice and they helped set up everything at home to make him comfortable. They filled out dnr paperwork and an order not to take him to the hospital if he were in distress. We set up a network of people to stay with him till the end. There was a visiting nurse, a case mgr and a pa that came regularly. Also his dr would phone ck him and set him up w/ any additional meds to make him comfortable. He died peacefully at home. The funeral home came and took him out of the house after his passing. It was a good experience taking into acct the circumstances. He went out the way he wanted.
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Reply to Debp1953
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You need to call hospice right now(they're available 24/7)and get them to come and help your mom die in peace and comfort and not in such pain and discomfort.
I don't think you'll be able to live with yourself if you let her suffer up to the end. I know I wouldn't be able to.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your mom despite what she has said in the past.
I pray that your mom is not living by herself right now and that you have other family members staying with her when you can't be there, as she shouldn't be alone.
Hospice will allow her to stay at home and die at home as long as someone is with her 24/7. they will have a nurse come once a week to start and aides to come bathe her at least twice week, along with supplying all needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your moms Medicare.
So PLEASE I'm begging you, call hospice right now and they will come out and do an assessment, and get your mom under their care ASAP.
And if needed hospice can take your mom to their hospice home when she's actively dying, which is not a hospital but a beautiful, peaceful home where she will receive excellent 24/7 care and be able to die in peace. And again it will be covered 100% under your mom Medicare.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Call ambulance and let drs establish if she really is EOL.
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Reply to Evamar
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Quite honestly, most people will tell you that it is a kind of negligence to allow your mother to live with what sounds to be congestive heart failure, without treatment. We don't know your mother nor her history nor whether she has some dementia, but her decision to seek no care at this point is not rational.
I would all APS tomorrow, Adult Protective Services to see about your mother and to do a "wellness check" on her.

Now you have ALSO the option of saying "This is what my mother wants. She understands that she is dying and she wishes to do it in her own home without medical assistance." That is an option most people will tell you is "wrong". But if this is your mother's wish, if your mother is rational and understands that she may DIE of something that can be treated medically, then you may have to make this choice for yourself.

Your mother is apparently not/never was a cooperative person, nor a very satisfied person. She has asked to be allowed to die in her own home. I have a neighbor two doors over who did just exactly this, telling her daughter not to call medics. She did die at home.

We all will die. Your mother has had a long life. She seems ready to make her own exit in her own way. On the other hand she sounds to be in need of medical treatment that may give her some short time more with treatment.

I am afraid this isn't a decision I would make for you. I once would have told you in no uncertain terms to call paramedics or APS. At 82 I begin to feel somewhat differently about it as I more approach the end of my own life, and end I won't honestly be terribly sad to see come. There isn't a lot of "upside" ahead.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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ElizabethAR37 Sep 28, 2024
Nope--not a lot of "upside" for me (87) either!
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Is there someone else -- a friend of your mom, a family member -- who could come right away to give input to you and your mom? I think you both need someone else's input here. Others have said to call emergency and APS and I agree with both, but if you don't want to do that for fear of breaking trust with your mom, then calling a friend or other family is another option. You and your mom need clarity about this dire situation, asap, so you don't have regrets in the future... you know?

My thoughts: It's unnecessary suffering, even if she does want to pass away in her own home. She can be treated for the acute issues and pain and come back home with hospice in place.
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Reply to AliBoBali
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