I recently heard my father speaking very cruelly to my mother. They are 78. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s about three years ago and had a shoulder replaced about two years ago. He has been her caregiver. Both my brother and I have offered help dozens of times. They never take it.
My father has always been self-centered and selfish, and will often give us the silent treatment if he’s unhappy. Recently, at the end of a phone conversation with my parents, I heard my father swear at my mother. I think they believe that they had hung up the phone. I had suspected that he had been verbally abusive toward her for a while because my mother is so anxious, but I had never personally heard the things that my father said to her.
Now that my suspicions have been confirmed, what do I do that won’t have any kickback landing on my mother? Any suggestions would be very helpful. We all live in New Hampshire.
He had to be placed in a nursing home and one of the upsides is that he has some peace now. It is very hard for her to visit him a lot and when she does she has to maintain her social facade.
Yiu are entitled to your opinion on but snide remarks are not appreciated.
Keep it to yourself when it involves responding to my posts.
Ask someone who lost a loved one - what can I do for you? Their brain is so scattered they can't think of a thing or to avoid asking, they don't. Some folks show up with a simple meal. While this person would never have asked you to cook for them, the meal will be appreciated and eaten.
The same thing happens when you are tired or the situation is wearing you out. It becomes 'it's ok, i can do this' even when you really need some help.
You and brother can create a calendar between yourselves to just show up. Don't ask again. Just be there. When mom needs some help, be the first to jump up and tell dad "I'll get it".
One day he could cope no more.
Told all children he was done. The adult children quickly became a work team, spoke up to Mom's Doctor. Were pointed towards extra care, councelling & support for BOTH parents.
I believe an agency was found for home help (cleaning, personal care, sitting & some driving).
councelling was found for both.
This was crutial. The Father had described feeling a 'failure' for not being able to do everything - he then changed his perspective to see he needed 'a team'.
From solo hero to leader of the pack. Still a manll thing to do.
He also saw he HAD options (where he had seen none).
He was able to have the freedom to decide if he was indeed 'done' without judgement (leading to arranging alternative fulltime care or if he could go on with help. He decided he wanted to go on, & saw ACCEPTING HELP & swollowing his prode was his task to learn.
Men come in many shapes & sizes. Pamela, your Father may be nothing like that man... But I do hope he can somehow learn the task of accepting help is OK.
Using Professionals can often get this message through better than us 'children'.
Mom's Doctor, his own Doctor (if different), an Aging Care Needs Assessor, Lifeline or Men's Line Councelling. Often a regigious leader is very good of someone has a faith.
Also, soz for all the typos! :(
I need that edit button back!
If your dad has always been this way, it’s unrealistic to expect him to be any different now.
In fact, his behavior is probably worse than before since the additional pressure of caregiving for your mom. Please know that I am not condoning his behavior.
Have you considered suggesting that your father hire a caregiver for your mom?
Best wishes to you and your family.
What happens next is very much up to mom.
Does she want things to change? Is her depression being treated?
Has dad always been cruel to mom; is this a marriage -long dynamic?
Is he getting any help caring for her? Caring for someone elderly when you yourself are old is very hard.
Have you talked to their doctor about what you're observing,?
Your father is her caregiver. If no one is willing to take her in then her choices are pretty much limited to remaining in at home with her verbally abusive husband, or going into a nursing home.
No one ever chooses the nursing home.
So the best bet is to have a sit down with your father. Taking care of her is too much for him and he doesn't want to admit it.
Lay it out plainly that either they accept outside help willingly, or they wait for a tragedy to happen and the decision is no longer theirs to make.
Take your mother for a few days to give your father some respite time after you've had the talk with him. Let him think about it for a few days without your mother there.
Is there anyway you could take your Mom out? Is she able to leave the house? You could take her places to help her be less anxious and give him a break. I know in Sarasota FL they have dance classes for people with Parkinson's where they sit and do movements. Maybe New Hampshire has something like that your Mom might enjoy? You could bring your moms favorite foods over or activities your Mom is able to do and sit and eat with her, do activities with her and take up her time for an entire day a couple times a week. That would help give your Father a break. Hired help services are all also great options if you can talk your Father into that. Maybe if you start small and work your way up to more once your Father realizes how nice it is to take a break and how much he needs it. I hope this helps <3
Your mother may be so used to his bad temper that she doesn't realize how his behavior is wrong and damaging.
It’s sad when a person isn’t able to divorce an abusive partner.
They aren’t doing anyone a favor by staying with their spouse. Sadly, they feel stuck and aren’t comfortable with change in their lives.