What happens when nobody wants the job?

Please tell us...what did the therapist say?

I don't see your new relationship lasting long if you bring your parents to live with you in a new house.

And your brother said he would only take your parents in if YOU and your girls go along. You do realize that is because he expected YOU to do all of the caregiving, right?

Catmomma, just chew this thought over, will you?

Your mother had a nasty ankle fracture. It's healed now, but because it took a long time she lost a good deal of muscle to atrophy through being bedridden. Her doctor thinks she should be doing more for herself and making more effort but she refuses.

You realise, do you, that she only can refuse because you and your daughters make it possible?

Your mother should have had rehab and PT after the fracture. She would not now be bedridden, having to use a commode, becoming more and more disabled and depressed.

If her doctor still thinks she ought to be making more effort, then it isn't too late. Your mother can still benefit from physical and occupational therapy. Her life doesn't need to be effectively over.

But you are getting in the way.

@Barbbrooklyn

My mother was put in an institution once about four years ago shortly after I left. She threatened suicide at a doctors appointment because he refused to put her on opioid pain relievers for pain in her shoulder. My brother told me at that time he was speaking to her and she called him and asked him to come talk to the doctors for her and tell them she's no danger so they would let her out because my dad wanted to leave her in there lol. I shouldn't laugh but eventually my dad went and got her and she was good for awhile. That experience scared her into behaving. They came in and washed her when she refused to shower and when she refused to get dressed they dressed her. She wasn't allowed to leave and she got scared and begged my dad to come get her out.

@SueC

You're right. I don't know how to even approach the TALK about her living somewhere else. Before I came back I was having problems with my husband at that time and I got a letter in my mailbox from my brother's girlfriend at that time telling me that my father was in the hospital, had a heart attack and I was being asked by his doctors to come say my goodbyes. This is no joke! I called the hospital and they informed me that my father was there but that my mother was keeping all information about him private. My parents divorced years ago but remained friends and live in partners. My life is dysfunctional like I said. But when I called my mother to ask to go see him she informed me that they were married and had all the paper work and said I couldn't see him. I went to the hospital and we all walked the cardiac wing checking rooms til we found him and texted eachother where he was to meet in his room. I had to have my dad tell the doctors they could speak to me about his condition secretly. When I left my ex and went back home it wasn't a welcome party because my mother was very upset that I hadn't spoken to her for so long. That was the norm though. We all went years without speaking and then something would happen and some of us would reunite, the whole family, until something else would happen and we would all break apart again. My mother has mellowed out believe it or not but not much. I guess its just like they say it's amazing what you get used to? I took care of my dad when he came home. Making his meals and making his powdered vitamin drinks and cutting his salt intake. My daughters hooked up his oxygen tank to him and brought in his newspaper to making the coffee and bringing him in his breakfast. He was doing well until he had knee surgery and got sepsis. He was admitted to the hospital and then to the rehab home. He wants to come home but my mother won't let him bring in nurses so he's gotta stay there longer til he can walk better. But I am thinking I will start the talk off with I'm moving out and if you want control you should stay here and hire people or go with my brother and pay him to care for you. I don't ask for money to care for her that's kinda ridiculous to me. My guy is well off and I get money from my ex. I don't know how to tell her to stop spending her money on my brother. My dad tried and she screamed at him to mind his own business. He gives her control over his money but hers isn't his business.....
I could use help in how I'm going to make this talk happen because it seems impossible right now. I think when the time comes I'm going to need to be ready to vacate immediately because that's how I left her the last time. She didn't like that my daughter's boyfriend at the time liked to wear glitter in his hair. She called him a day and I told her she can't speak to someone else's child like that, that I'm responsible for him when he's with me. Its the music mom it's the style and she can't judge. She blew up at me and I just moved out that weekend and left. I didn't speak to my parents for three or four years until I got that letter.

@Mally1

When the girls have had enough they will tell me. We talk about it often and they still feel sorry for her. It's horrible to watch someone struggle to just get out of bed to pee, the whining and the whimpering. The fact that She's a mean old granny is secondary I guess. It's just going to be hard to tell her she can't come when I said I would bring her with me. I honestly do believe that in a different setting some of the problems would be helped. Like I said having a place where nurses can come in would take some strain off me and also when the time comes that either one of them can't continue living with us that the nurses can help us get them somewhere good and I'm not stuck trying to do it on my own. Those are my thoughts though. And I think if I mention her having to go in a home or pay someone that it will end with me just walking out like before.

Don't you think you - and your girls - have done enough? Especially for someone who doesn't appreciate it? Of course she's scared, she's losing control, but you can't fix that. You're trying - how is that going for you? I can tell you what happened to my cousin, who ran off from her abusive son one night. He had kept her drugged (had taken a pharmacy tech course while living with her in her house, but never worked at it), so everyone thought she had dementia. The police picked her up, put her in a place to be evaluated, and then in an AL. A couple weeks without the drugs and it was discovered that she didn't have dementia at all! How odd! Anyway, she went to court and was ruled a ward of the state, and her son evicted. The house was sold and the proceeds put in an account to pay for the AL; she also got a decent allowance. I kept in touch with her for another year by phone and mail, and she was doing well, until one day her sister called to tell me she had died. I still miss her, but her story ended all right.... not so scary, is it?

Cat,
Why do you want to live with someone that gives you so much grief?

Your mom is bedridden and belongs in a facility. Like a previous poster said, your girls are going to make lives of their own one day and your new honey will be working, so are you going to have mom and dad at your new home and you're doing all the caregiving?
I'll give you 3 years before you have a major breakdown, either physical or mental. Then they will have to move.

It seems you want to have them with you (because you feel you should) but you are having trouble coping with them. This is not a healthy situation to start a new life with your wonderful man.

Talk to mom as if YOU were the mother. Tell her you will no longer be able to be her caregiver. Suggest alternatives but have her spend her remaining cash on her own care. She's not going to change her behavior because she'd be in a new house.

@barbbrooklyn

Yes. My daughters and I have been to therapy.
@Carla

I think you're right. I think she should go with my dad but that's not going to happen peacefully. Sorry for my double post I'm new. And thank you to every one who has advice. Knowing other people similar to my situation can offer perspective helps.

The elderly lady you saw was most likely unable to care for herself and uncooperative with efforts to get her to accept home or Nursing home care. She may have become a ward of the state, or she might have been found legally incompetent and someone, possibly a family member, appointed her guardian. A guardian can force a move.

I'm confused about what you say about your dad not accepting PT that you would provide at home.  Are you a physical therapist?

Your mother sounds as though she has mental health issues. Has she ever been evaluated for those issues?

@Ahmijoy

I want to bring them with me to a new house because in this sh*tty situation with the house falling down around her I believe I can make it better by getting her into a clean and stable environment. Although we clean the house it's small and confined with little space. If I had room I could get her a motorized chair. She had one before but it was used and broke down quick. It's easier to just buy a new one than try to fix the old. By moving them in with me I can offer a place for nurses to come and work with my dad which the veterans affairs offer him but my mom will not let anyone in her house because she's embarrassed to be bedridden. I have to admit that even her doctor wants her to do more for herself but she can't even brush her own hair because she said she has lost the ability to lift her arm that high. You're right about letting myself be abused but I think its a generation gap and I keep that in mind which has kept me here this long. My mother's mother was the same way and unfortunately she never learned HOW to be happy. I found a lot in my life and I'm able to go do or find happy things for myself, she can't. I can't send a letter to my sister she left the state. My one brother lives down south and I've asked him for advice and he says he's busy working or let her just do what she wants. When she refused treatment for kidney stones because she says she can't come out of anesthesia and just wanted to go home and die, he said let her do that. I fought her into getting the lithotripsy and she said rotten things to me for weeks but she's alive! That same brother is the one she sends money to. I asked him to take her and he said he would only IF me and the girls came too. My guy is in NYC and My brother is in Texas so not gonna happen there. My other brother calls to ask when she's going to die because her house is paid for and he's living out of his car and I think waiting like a vulture to come swoop in and try to claim it. It will go to my dad if she passes before he does and he's going to sell it and keep the money but nobody knows that but me since I'm the only one who talks to them. So I can't send any letters. There really is Nobody else, just me. She's lived with me in the past and the power shifted. I don't have house rules or act the way that she does in hers but she also knows she can't impose garbage like that in someone else's home. She will probably always complain about something but that's not the problem it's the abuse.
I asked what happens because recently we witnessed an elderly woman similar to my mother's condition being carried out by her arms kicking and screaming and being put into an ambulance and shortly after that people were cleaning out her house and now it's for rent. We saw all her belongings out for the trash. Obviously they put her somewhere and I don't want that to happen to my mother. Even if she's a sh*tty person to us it's not like she was taught any better. I left when I was younger and got away for a long time and learned the world was different and this way of life was dysfunctional. Like I said I've got enough "happy" I can take her crap most days but if I didn't I wondered if anyone knew where she would end up. The end result might help me decide if I want the job til she's gone or just visit her wherever "they" put her.

@Ahmijoy

I want to bring them with me to a new house because in this sh*tty situation with the house falling down around her I believe I can make it better by getting her into a clean and stable environment. Although we clean the house it's small and confined with little space. If I had room I could get her a motorized chair. She had one before but it was used and broke down quick. It's easier to just buy a new one than try to fix the old. By moving them in with me I can offer a place for nurses to come and work with my dad which the veterans affairs offer him but my mom will not let anyone in her house because she's embarrassed to be bedridden. I have to admit that even her doctor wants her to do more for herself but she can't even brush her own hair because she said she has lost the ability to lift her arm that high. You're right about letting myself be abused but I think its a generation gap and I keep that in mind which has kept me here this long. My mother's mother was the same way and unfortunately she never learned HOW to be happy. I found a lot in my life and I'm able to go do or find happy things for myself, she can't. I can't send a letter to my sister she left the state. My one brother lives down south and I've asked him for advice and he says he's busy working or let her just do what she wants. When she refused treatment for kidney stones because she says she can't come out of anesthesia and just wanted to go home and die, he said let her do that. I fought her into getting the lithotripsy and she said rotten things to me for weeks but she's alive! That same brother is the one she sends money to. I asked him to take her and he said he would only IF me and the girls came too. My guy is in NYC and My brother is in Texas so not gonna happen there. My other brother calls to ask when she's going to die because her house is paid for and he's living out of his car and I think waiting like a vulture to come swoop in and try to claim it. It will go to my dad if she passes before he does and he's going to sell it and keep the money but nobody knows that but me since I'm the only one who talks to them. So I can't send any letters. There really is Nobody else, just me. She's lived with me in the past and the power shifted. I don't have house rules or act the way that she does in hers but she also knows she can't impose garbage like that in someone else's home. She will probably always complain about something but that's not the problem it's the abuse.
I asked what happens because recently we witnessed an elderly woman similar to my mother's condition being carried out by her arms kicking and screaming and being put into an ambulance and shortly after that people were cleaning out her house and now it's for rent. We saw all her belongings out for the trash. Obviously they put her somewhere and I don't want that to happen to my mother. Even if she's a sh*tty person to us it's not like she was taught any better. I left when I was younger and got away for a long time and learned the world was different and this way of life was dysfunctional. Like I said I've got enough "happy" I can take her crap most days but if I didn't I wondered if anyone knew where she would end up. The end result might help me decide if I want the job til she's gone or just visit her wherever "they" put her.

So you're buying a house with your new partner, and I assume it's near your parents if you're taking your mother to look at the houses with you. At one point you say you're taking both parents with you (when you move?), but then it seems like you want to get away from your mother's critical and demanding behavior.

It seems to me that your parents can afford paid care and that your mother at least would be medically eligible for a nursing home paid by Medicaid. The fact that she's given money away to your brother would make a Medicaid application problematic, though.

I can certainly understand your siblings not wanting to step up to provide your parents' care. It seems to me that, without the help of your two adult children, you would not be able to do it either. Taking care of a bedridden person is more than a full-time job, and grueling no matter how much you love them and how cooperative and sweet they are.

Do you have POA for your parents? It seems to me critical to stop your mother from gifting money to your brother so her assets can be used for her own care, which she obviously needs.

It's not clear from your post how long this arrangement has been in place and in what order events occurred. Was your mother bedridden when you moved in? Was your father previously taking care of her? When he is released, will he be able to resume taking care of her?

You do deserve your own life, and so do your grown daughters. The current situation seems unsustainable, if only because your daughters are going to launch eventually, and your mother's needs are beyond what one or two people can reasonably provide, even before adding your father into it.

Is there a middle ground possible? Move into a new home with your partner, but manage your mother's care (provided by others with her money) or oversee her placement in assisted living or a nursing home as you do your father's? I think that's what I would be looking to do if I were you.

Cat; Have you ever seen a therapist?

That is heartbreaking.
We will all be there one day. Terribly sad.

Sounds like you have made yourself and your girls, and soon probably your new guy as well completely subservient to Mom. Other sibs have ditched her because of her rude attitude. Come to find out that after you got her $75,000,she’s given most of it away to one of those who ditched her. She’s verbally abusive, rude, controlling and feels entitled to treat you any way she wants. She won’t meet you even half-way on any suggestions you make. You say you will bring her and Dad with when you move to start your new life with this great guy and continue this unsatisfactory life in a new place.

It is not your life if Mom is living it for you, which she is. She’s also controlling your girls’ lives. If you don’t stand up firmly for yourself, your girls and your guy, you’re condemned to repeat history. If you truly want to change this situation, send a registered letter to your sibs. Tell them you’re done with being an abused caregiver. Give them 90 days to come up with a plan and after that, you and your little family are out. Let them call APS if they want to. No longer you’re responsibility. You can only be abused if you let yourself be.

The long part of the story that's missing is this. I moved in to my mother's house after leaving my husband. My two grown girls came with me. Both are young adults. The girls help me with all of the care I'm providing for both of my parents. My father had an operation and needed physical therapy that he wouldn't allow us to provide, much like kimber's info. He is prideful and stubborn so the hospital arranged for him to have therapy at a nursing home and he's been there for two months now. I still go take things to him, bring him wants and needs and spend time there. I'm unemployed and have all the time to do it all and normally I don't mind. I chalk a lot of this up to they're old and let sh*t go. I care for my mother who's bedridden. She had an accident that left her with a shattered ankle and ended up in bed so long that She's got no muscle left. I got her a standing commode, bedside. Either me or my one of my daughters cleans her potty everyday, brings her meals and drinks and do what she asks. The problem is that now I've met someone new and want to start a life. We're looking for a house. I'm taking both my parents with me and my guy is completely supportive and I can't say enough how great and amazing he is throughout all of this. I know people say amazing and wonderful and use those words so much that they tend to lose the meaning but truly, I tell you he's been my rock through this whole situation. I asked what happens because I feel like if I leave her to figure it out its cruel but honestly this is too much for me. She has become overbearing and controlling since my dad has gone to the rehab home. My mother says things that like I said I let it go most days and think to myself she's old and I know she's miserable in that bed. But every time I leave to look at a house she says I'm gone too long. I got her a wheelchair and we bring it with us and I've taken her with us to see houses and she hates it. She would rather stay home but she wants us all there with her in her house. Yet, I get the it's my house my rules when my girls wear something she doesn't approve of. I'm the youngest of the children and the only one who will speak to her let alone care for her. She's always been so mean and controlling that every one else cut her off. I tell my girls they can't say anything when she says things to them because I know she's old but its starting to take it's toll on them now too.
Now, the money part. I got her a lawyer and sued the guy that hit her and got her $75,000. She's been sending money to my brother down south and probably has about half that left now. I wanted her to buy a modular home on some property for her and my dad because although she owns this home its falling down around her. When I was away and married before she hired some work men to come fix things and they took the money and never came back so she's against hiring anyone else. My girls and I do what we can to fix things but we're not handymen. She gets about four thousand a month coming to her from my dad's military income. I don't tell her what to do with their money. I just care for her as best we can. I take her to all her doctor appointments and do the shopping and cleaning and cooking. We take care of all her pets. She has seven birds large and small. She has four dogs and five cats, and a turtle. I take the animals to the vet, clean up the piss and sh*t daily. I didn't mind and don't mind usually doing it all. The girls and I make it fun. We try to, but she complains about music and she complains and what we wear and she complains if we go out. She won't sleep in her room because she's afraid if there's a a fire she can't make it out of the house so she sleeps in the living room. That makes things weird when my guy comes home from work late and she wakes up and starts yelling. We tried getting a room for awhile on the late nights and she was angry that I was gone overnight. I'm over 18 obviously and should be able to come and go like an adult. We're not talking about coming home drunk. We're talking about coming home at midnight. We offered to buy a chair lift for her to sleep in her own room again but she refused and I think she's scared. I think she doesn't want me to move because she's afraid of losing what control she has left. It's been three years since I left my husband and I met someone right away. I don't think there's anything wrong with me starting a life again new. But my mother has said things about it that I jumped from one man to the next. I don't need that judgement because it's my life. I'm the youngest of her children though and I think that's why she treats me that way. Like I said, I don't mind it most times I guess I've got thick skin as they say. I let most of it go most days but it takes it's toll and I do think about just walking out. I don't want to be cruel but I also can't talk to her about it. If I bring it up she yells at me and calls me disrespectful. I gotta thank her in a way, this whole situation keeps me young. She acts like I'm still a teenager yelling at me and trying to "ground" me. But she's making it hard for me to find a decent house for all of us to live in and I know she's not going to like losing control and I'm afraid of the backlash when I do find a house. I might just walk out if she starts screaming ridiculous like when one of us wears something revealing or god forbid something trashy! :D
I don't want her to lose her house and freedom she has left but I also don't want her controlling mine.

Catmomma, if you didn't exist and your brothers and sister didn't exist, what would your options be then?

Research care options and care facilities in your parent's location and see what services are available.

I can't help feeling that I'm not hearing your whole question. Because the answer I've given isn't anything that isn't obvious... so what are the other factors?

Rash promises to now-deceased other parent?
Guilt?
Tender-heartedness?
Just not knowing where to start?

Kimber, totally agree. My mother was healthier in a ANF than shed been in years. Once a parent is in need of trained eyes, a good AL or SNF is much better than amateurs guessing at the right thing to do.

Cat,

I know I am not cut out for personal care giving, period. Nobody would be happy if I had to care for a parent or anyone else fulltime. My mother knows that and knows that when she can no longer live independently, she will be moving into assisted living. Mum chose the nursing home she would like to live in many years ago.

Mum volunteered with Hospice and friendly visitor's and has been in all the local nursing homes A/L and has no qualms about moving into one when the time is right.

My brother has Dad living with him, db, thinks he can manage having Dad there until the end. Right now Dad is mostly independent, who knows what will happen down the road, but that is there problem.

I am a good organizer, but I am not a care giver.

And I am already having conversations with my kids about the fact that I do not expect them to become my caregivers down the road.

My Dad is healthier in the nursing home than he was at his own home. The nursing home makes sure he eats regularly, tests his blood sugar, takes his medication on time, etc. At home - he refused to let my step mom help him with medicine - slept odd hours, ate odd hours and was ill. After he went into the nursing home - he discharged 40 pounds of liquids that were building up, he is stronger, and more cheerful.

If you cannot do it anymore - you can bow out and resume your life- call Area Agency on Aging to let them know vulnerable adult living alone. Do what you want to do for your loved one - but no rule says you have to become a slave or give up your own life to be a martyr.

With due respect to iknowthetruth, not everyone agrees that our parents are safer with us than in an institution, and not everyone feels that keeping them at home is the only right thing to do. I don't want to start an argument here, but it bothers me to see judgments laid on people's choices, especially by total strangers. And the OP isn't seeking our judgment or our blessings here, just information, as far as I can tell.

I understand your feelings. Taking care of an elderly person is a very difficult and changes your life. My dad who is 90 now lives with us but fortunately my sister will take him for a couple of months. Will your brother or sister agree to taking him/her in for a few weeks just to let you catch your breath and regroup. Your parents are safer with you than an institution. Wishing you the best. Nothing is easy about caring for our elderly but you will know you did the right thing.

A little more detail would help. Are you living with Mom now? Is it your home or her home? What are Mom's needs? Is there money to hire paid help?

If you're wondering what actually happens in the real world when nobody wants the job, I can tell you that. Somebody takes the job anyway, and it's usually the person who has already stepped up. It's a "Tag, you're it!" or a "Hot potato" situation. It's hard to unwind the situation once it's started, and hard to reverse or change the parent's expectations as well. Generally the uninvolved siblings feel that they dodged a bullet, and they're not about to give up that advantage voluntarily.

If your mother can afford assisted living, then I would scope out nearby places and maybe take her to tour a few. Apart from that, I don't know. More information about your specific situation would be helpful.