Follow
Share

I have posted here before some may know my history
my father lives in filth and feces and refuses help
his phone was off the hook for 1 1/2 days my husband went to check on him
he was laying in bed covered with feces etc.
he got up and went downstairs husb tried to talk to him but he said he knows what to do
I wanted to call 911 but he refused and was argumentative and mean, I know if the ambulance went over there he would fight tooth and nail
because it was so unsanitary I called for a wellness check and they said he is coherent and can walk with his walker and his doors aren't blocked there is nothing they can do
I have already called social services adult protective services and talked to 2 of his social services people in the hospital
bottom line as long as he makes sense when talking and has paths to his door and can walk (police said the walker)
There is nothing anyone can do
Husband tried to tell him he is upsetting me but he said I get too emotional
I want my absent sister to know what is going on idk
oh my this is too much
i am going to quite now
thanks

Find Care & Housing
How about calling whatever is "code enforcement " in the area? They would normally deal with a property ( not the occupant) that is not in compliance with proper sanitation or building codes. After that, you've done what you can. All the other advice given is good.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to vegaslady
Report

You have to just let him be. If that is how he wants to live, so be it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Lylii1
Report

Mary, I’m sorry for your hurt and pain in this. I cannot imagine seeing a parent in such a sad situation. The system is truly failing your father. You are not, you’ve done your best. I wish you much healing and peace
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

You did everything you can. You have tried to help him. Your husband has tried to help him. He doesn't want your help. He wants to live and wallow in his own sh*t. Let him. JoAnn is right that you could give a call to the Department of Public Health because his neighboring ones as well. They shouldn't have to deal with someone like him. His filthy, fecal lifestyle will attract vermin to not just his property, but the neighbors as well. They don't deserve that. In fact, it might not be a bad idea to involve the neighbors on the street he lives on. Maybe if they knew what's going on, they'd make a petition and force him to move. This would mean he goes into a care facility. It's worth a try. Where I live and you can't even let your garbage cans be visible. Involve the neighbors.

You're not his POA, your sister is. You've called APS and the local police and it's out of your hands now.

If I were you, I'd leave him to it. Don't even visit him anymore.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report
mary543 Sep 24, 2025
He lives in the 2 family house he owns, the neighbor helps him here and there, she said nothing has traveled over to her side (so far)

He has no POA

I am not visiting him anymore you are right, haven't seen him in 2 months, not talking any more either, I am worried tho what will happen when he passes
(3)
Report
See 3 more replies
I would call the Health Department. A man laying in his own feces is not someone who is thinking right.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
mary543 Sep 24, 2025
I will. I have called every place I can think of the police said he isn't a danger to himself so they can't do anything. They have seen worse in my town :(
(0)
Report
Mary, if I remember it is your "absent sister" who has POA over your father, and he has refused your help. Also, apparently he is considered rational, though if the home is full of feces everywhere, I am surprised this wasn't considered a health issue.

You have done what you could, and this isn't the first time you have attempted an intervention. It is clear now that you have no power here.

Your continuing to intervene here really is self-harming now for you. I am so sorry that this is so ongoing and that you still feel you must intervene here when you have no power to change anything, because you are creating a miserable time in your one and only life. You Dad already had his life, and he doesn't want you help. Your continuing to intercede for him will not make him happy. Your continuing to intercede here will not make YOU happy.

You have my utmost sympathy here, but not everything can be fixed and it's abundantly clear at this point that this is one of those things that cannot.
As to your sis, a simple note to her will suffice to inform here: Try this. "Hi, Sis. I went to see Dad and found that he, his room, his bed, was covered in feces. I was fearful for his health and called EMS and APS but they have told me they cannot intervene. I wanted to let you know I am stepping away unless he calls me, but wanted you to know what I found". Enclose any photos of "the mess" you might have taken.
At that point you will have done all you can.

My best out to you. It has been a while since we heard from you. I hope you are getting out in your OWN life and having good times, because I fear this won't change.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
MG8522 Sep 24, 2025
Well said, Alva. That is excellent advice about sending the note.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Time to walk away. You have done everything you can.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MG8522
Report

You need to focus on your wellbeing. It is obvious you are struggling with your fathers decline. You need to focus on you for the time being. Seek a therapist to help you develop skills to help you.

I am a huge proponent of you CAN'T change others action but you CAN change your reaction.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AMZebbC
Report

I wish I could take this down thanks everyone for the support
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to mary543
Report

You've done all anyone could possibly do. Your dad has chosen his way of doing things, and all you can do is step back.

As for your sister, I don't know if you should contact her. That will only make problems for you, and you've had enough. If I were in this situation, I'd perhaps send sister a written note rather than talk to her in person or by phone, which only would give her an opening to blame you for who knows what. I really think you'd be better off to leave her out of this completely. I'm so sorry you're having this problem.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
mary543 Sep 24, 2025
Thank you

It's true I will not contact her, I was thinking the same thing, opening another box of chaos

ty
(2)
Report
edit
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to mary543
Report

*quit
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to mary543
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter