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I don't think it's any of their business, especially if you don't have good relationships with them. In my opinion, if someone doesn't really care about an elder and isn't doing much to help then they really have no say or no right to be in on making decisions or sensitive conversations about a loved one.
My brother-in-law treats my mom like sh*t and I don't feel any responsibility to include him in anything. My sister is always forwarding stuff to him about my mom but I don't think he has ever responded directly to any of it and he so obviously doesn't care about her.
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I don't know that there is a general rule. I think whatever all the parties involved agree upon is the right answer. I will say, though, that unless you can absolutely say that the spouses will not be affected AT ALL by the situation, financially, care-giving, or otherwise, their feelings and opinions should be heard. For example, when we cared for my husband's mother in our home, I made most of her meals, gave her medication, took her to the bathroom and bathed her; you bet I had a say in things.
When my mother needed to go to a nursing facility for rehab, my two brothers and I worked together to choose a facility and do everything to get things ready for her to go back home. My husband and one sister-in-law weren't extensively involved but they were welcome to be if they wished. My other sister-in-law was invaluable to us in the advice she provided because she'd been through it before with her own mother. She helped us vet the facilities we were considering but due to Covid restrictions, just my brother and I did the site visit. My situation may be a little different than others, we all consider ourselves family and we all have a voice. I am so grateful to have their help especially when I think of my husband's situation as the only surviving child.
You should also consider that the spouses who aren't given any consideration in the decision-making are more likely to criticize the decisions made, particularly if their spouse (your sibling) is passive about decisions and pitching in to help. You are understandably upset right now, but many difficult decisions are ahead of you and it is time to be more practical and less emotional about your mother. Best wishes to you.
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Carolelove1: Sometimes you can't please everyone. If these individuals have valuable information to be shared in regard to your mother's Alzheimer's disease, then include them. Otherwise, they can be told of the care plan after the fact.
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Care, even in assisted living requires full family involvement. If the facility is close to you, constant visits will impact the time you have with your own family. If they are further away/out of state, the travel required for visit will also have an impact on the entire family's life. I involved my husband, my brother, and his wife when we placed my mother in a facility because I wanted my brother to be happy with my decision and his wife to support his need to travel more often. There are also potential financial issues to discuss. My mother has funds now but will run out, I wanted everyone to be aware of their obligations to keep her in care. Again, I think that is something that should be discussed with everyone.
I don't think you need to discuss health issues, but I think discussing what would be the best situation for everyone is something that should be agreed.
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