What should I do about Mother's Day, which is also the 5th anniversary of my father's death?

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What should I do about Mother's Day, which is also the 5th anniversary of my father's death?

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My mother, who at 94 has been in a nursing home for 5 1/2 years, often asks "how long has it been since Dad died?" and when told, she says it doesn't seem that long. Some days she mentions how much she misses him, and likes to look at a picture album my sister and I have made. She's bedridden, very hard-of-hearing, and with quite severe memory loss but has been that way for a long time. We have no plans to take her out, etc. for Mother's Day (and haven't for several years) as this would be completely impractical considering that she is so weak that if/when she slouches in a wheel chair, she is incapable of pushing herself back up. However, I'm wondering if we should "talk up" Mother's Day while visiting (cards, flowers, etc.) and not mention this "anniversary" unless she brings it up or makes the connection, or if we should be somewhat more proactive about the greater significance (at least to our family) of that day. It's possible that she won't even be aware of Mother's Day unless told, and may not even ask the date (or if so, she might not immediately recognize the additional significance of it). This obviously isn't the most important or urgent posting here, but I just wondered if anyone has any thoughts or has had to deal with a similar situation. For lack of a more appropriate category, I've put this into "Senior Activities".

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I think that often things like important birthdays, anniversaries and family events worry us much more than they bother our loved ones.

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Not sure if this is helpful. But we've really worked on stopping worrying and no longer try to connect the dots. For my Mom, there is no connection anyway. Five minutes? She won't remember anyway. Just keep her happy in the moment. That seems to work for her.

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That makes sense. Tonight my mother asked (as she often does) how long it has been since my father's death, and when I said "five years" she didn't ask about the specific date, so I think we're "safely past" this issue!

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Just an update--Between the cards I gave my mother, along with the card my sister left for her (she had an out-of-state meeting), and then showing her the invitation to my nephew's July wedding (she'll be completely unable to attend, and seems not to be very interested because it appears it won't be a "religious" wedding), the subject of my father's death never came up. Of course she knew it was Mother's Day, but she never asked the date so there was no reason for her to "connect the dots". Thus, my concern turned out to be "for naught".

Thanks for the comments/suggestions!

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It was my experience that the facility will do something to mark every traditional holiday so it is hard to completely ignore them.

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Thanks, cwillie. The facility is under new management with at least half of the staff being different, so I don't know if they will, but I can ask. A few "longtime" staff know me well and they all like my mother, so maybe I can alert them to this in case they can give her just a bit of extra "fussing-over" that day! Not intending to "toot my own horn", but perhaps they could remind my mother how fortunate she is to have such wonderful children who visit her so much--to point out what she still has as opposed to what she lost.

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We haven't done Mother's Day for my mom for 2 years now, and won't be doing it this year either. My mom doesn't remember it. If we tell her, she will forget it in 2 minutes. Just another day for her. Everyday, we take her out twice to the stores, the mall, etc., and that's enough to entertain her.

She no longer eats solid food, only nutritional shakes, so we don't go out to eat either. Sad but any celebration will be lost on her and will just make our day more stressful.

We have roses in our garden, and she goes out there picking them all the time, so no need to buy flowers either.

My recommendation: do whatever that's easy on your stress level.

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Thanks polarbear; I think the idea of cards and flowers (and any celebration offered by the NH) would be helpful while not stressful for my sister and me. We'll discuss this; fortunately, we have time to plan!

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Jacobsonbob, curious if the nursing home celebrates Mother's Day by having something special? My Dad's senior living facility would have special meals prepared and lot of different deserts for both Mother's Dad and Father's Day. Those who were bedbound, the Staff would bring the food to them.

Otherwise, I would celebrate big time for your Mom. It would be fun suprising her if she doesn't remember the day. She may think it was her birthday, but that's ok. And chances are she may no longer the date of your dad's passing. Make this day all about her :)

I remember getting my Mom one of those really super huge Mother Day's card, and she got such a big kick out of that. Some gifts, such as a short bathrobe that is worn when sitting up in bed.... pretty silk flowers... nice lotion, etc.

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Thanks, freqflyer; I'm not sure if the NH does anything or not. I can ask about this. It is under new management so there may be new policies.

I like the idea of making it a "big day" for her--that should help keep her distracted for a while!

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What should I do about Mother's Day, which is also the 5th anniversary of my father's death?

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