What to do if your child you live with is the abuser?

I have no doubt the she was in shock that you cut her out of the will after she gave you a home and was prepared to provide some level of care as your health declines. And of course your son has no problem with this as everything is going his way, even if it is indirectly.
All of this might have been avoided if you had discussed this with them both before presenting a fait accompli.... BTW what did you hope to accomplish when you decided to inform them now rather than leaving them to discover it after your demise?

I'm so very sorry about the situation and your failing health. I suggest you take your money and go someplace else. If you want, change your will and don't tell anyone. Then hire your own care team and don't expect anyone else to take care of you. The alternative is to keep on what you're doing now, and that looks like it will only get worse. What's done and said will remain done and said. Enough.

You should keep that money for your future living&health care expenses. You may need it

Yes, you certainly laid an egg, with the EXTREMELY foolish decision to open your mouth. A bit late to be asking advice! Done is done, and I very much fear you have brought all this on yourself.

I am with your daughter 100%. I would be beyond furious, too. There is simply no inoffensive way to tell one child she is going to get nothing, while everything goes to her sibling’s kids! Frankly, you’re lucky she didn’t put your belongings out on the sidewalk that very day!

All that said, I agree it’s your money to do with as you like. BUT—you were out of your mind to not (as CWillie notes) just keep your intentions top secret…and let your poor daughter find out after your funeral, when she had spent years housing you!

Oh, well. Maybe your favored son will take you in.

Where is the abuse here? Your daughter said some harsh words to you but that is not abuse. She took you in and you repaid her kindness by cutting her out of the will. Of course she is going to be upset and I don't believe this is about money. You are favoring two grandchildren over your other grandchild. You are penalizing your daughter because she is more successful that your son. You created this mess.

I am sorry to hear you have an advanced cancer, and may spend your final time alienated from family.
You could have set up accounts for your grandsons outside of your estate. Then drawn up an equitable will, distributing whatever was left (even if it was pennies) after you took care of yourself. Or never mentioned your will.
Your maximized the drama. What did you think was going to happen?
Calling your daughter an “abuser” seems rather gratuitous.

manyloveslost2, let's sit back and look at the situation. You are leaving funds to 2 out of 3 younger grandchildren but nothing to the older grandchild nor the adopted younger grandchild. If this was someone else telling you what they are doing with their Will, how would you react?

You don't want to what had happened when my grandparents had passed. Their five grown children got equal value except for one grown child. My grandparents gave her less because she loved to spend. That grown child took this matter to court, after court, after court. Probate took ten years, and by the time all the attorney fees were added up, plus estate tax penalties, there was hardly anything left is distribute. There was hard feelings among the siblings for a very long time, and among my cousins regarding this Aunt, etc.

Right now you are living rent free, have you checked what rents are today? They have exploded. You may find you will be going into that nest egg sooner than you thought.

It is not about the money, it is about the fact that you are telling your daughter and her children that they do not matter to you.

My mother said the same thing, she is leaving everything to my brother, nothing to me, not even a piece of jewelry because I have enough.

She also bought him a new car, she never bought me anything of any value.

That did it, I was done, haven't spoken to her for 12 years and never will again.


I did everything for my mother for over 50 years, my brother did little or nothing until I told her goodbye, now he is stuck with her.

Your daughter is abusive?

She has been there for you for years and you decide to cut her and her children out of your will and you tell her about it. I would say you are the abusive one here.

I would sue you for back rent if you didn't get out of my home.

It has nothing to do with the money. It has to do with not leaving them anything that shows you had kind regards for them, regardless of what their parents can give them.

I can come back to say that I can understand her point of view - she isn't wrong to think that her wealthy daughter and her family doesn't need the money as much as her working class son and his kids do. I'm left wondering whether a financial planner and an elder law attorney had any part of the way this has been set up, because I can see other ways the same thing might have been accomplished without causing so many hurt feelings. Plus the unfortunate reality is that with stage 4 lung cancer the OP's life expectancy is lowered and the need for expensive care at the end of life is increased and there doesn't seem to be any consideration for how that is going to be paid for - it is an awful shame that there has been such a huge family rift when by the end there may not be anything left to quarrel over.

OP you came here for advice but you came on the offensive, telling us how much you do around your daughter's house as though that somehow equals and erases what she has done for you. Instead of doubling down and accusing her of abuse you need to step back and realize that just because she has greater wealth does not mean she owed you any of it, and that your words and actions obviously hurt her deeply - I don't think there is any way forward until you acknowledge that.

I see so many people ask a question and never come back.

1. Did everyone miss the fact the 76 Elder with stage 4 lung cancer does all the housekeeping, laundry, pet care, and supports all these activities with her own money?? (Sounds like a maid for room and board.)

2. Then the daughter says "you are not wanted, loved nor wants the elder around"? (Is this a loving daughter who got her feelings hurt or hoping for a good inheritance?)

3. No where does it say how the daughter found out about the will. Did brother tattle, daughter go snooping or did the Elder really announce?

Back in the 70s when there were plenty of people without jobs, including my parents, I received a gut kick when I was told that if college money ran low that I would get cut off first over my brother because I was the female. Do you think that would be fair?
We both got our AS degrees but in the end, I paid my way slowly to get my MS. Now that I am retired from a rich career in a dream job, I did not set up my will favoring male or female, richer or poorer, it will be divided equally between the boy and girl. Since they already received equal inheritance from another relative, the rich one purchased a vacation home. All the rent goes towards the college education in the future. The other reinvested for funds to work in a different way.

Move out

I think you should reconsider. You are destroying your family with your actions. It’s not just about the money, there are emotions and feelings that go along with inheritances. And yes you are playing favorites, whether you acknowledge it or not. Put yourself in your daughters shoes, how would you feel if your parents did that to you. Leave equally to all your grandkids. Your sons kids will need to figure it out.

And you should go live with your son. You created an untenable situation with your daughter for yourself. I hope it was worth it.

I wouldn't come back here if I was the OP either.

I think there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Sounds like the daughter doesn't need the money and the son is okay with
the will. She wants to leave the money with who need it most. The grandkids who don't have a rich parent. The son is even saying keep the money for yourself.

Sure the daughter provided a home. She also got a free housekeeper out of it.

I think maybe we should give manyloveslost a bit of slack. Just my opinion.

I don’t think it wise to distribute money in a will based on adult children’s income or wealth. I don’t think it wise to let adult children know specific contents of a will before it’s necessary. And no matter what’s transpired, I think it unnecessary and wrong to say hateful things such as “nobody cares about me or wants me around” or “ I simply cannot forgive this” I hope you’ll move to a new place soon and both you and your daughter can work toward a place of healing

Hateful behavior abounds whenever there is an inheritance at stake, and an unfair distribution of that inheritance especially. What did you hope to to achieve by making such a will, and leaving your daughter and her children out of it entirely? And now you feel to be "the injured party" because she's upset??? You "simply cannot forgive this" and find your daughters behavior "cruel and hurtful", but ironically and sadly, she's saying the EXACT SAME thing about YOU.

How can you fix this situation you've created, do you think?

Best of luck with your health situation and finding a new place to live.

You basically disinherited her and her family while you’re living with her for free in her house. The fact you are even there represents a greater sacrifice from her than this son gave you. By giving his kids and only them the money while not even paying rent, well expect her to feel the way she does.

Has anyone else notice their post being changed from their original post? I had a whole sentence removed. I said this was suppose to be a non-judgmental forum with one cuss word. I know cuss words not allowed but a whole sentence or more? And I notice cwillie changed too.

Many, I have a suggestion: have you considered opening 529 accounts for your grandchildren, rather than leaving them money in your will?

I'm sorry that your daughter took your revelation so badly. In my family, no matter what the perceived need, inheritance is always divided equally.

To be frank, you only see the surface of your daughter's finances. Consider that she may be deep in debt.

I'm not sure there is any way to repair this breach after such hurtful words have been spoken.

I doubt the OP is coming back or even reading any more, I know for myself that hurtful comments would drive me away and even helpful criticism can take several days to process.
I think the responses reflect that the forum is populated by many members whose parents have played toxic games all their lives and right or wrong they are quick to pounce on anything they perceive as that. Some people are truly toxic but my hope is that most are just misinformed or may have made an error in judgement.

With all respect to you, you're not the one who has something to forgive.
What your situation looks like to me and I'm sure others as well is you figured you'd move in with a daughter (like most elders do), live there for free, and then she'd be your caregiver if needs be. If she couldn't be there to actually meet your hands-on caregiving needs, she'd arrange for hired caregivers to come in and do for you, at her expense.
It really doesn't seem fair to me that you live in her house for free then cut her out of your will. You claim here that your daughter is accusing you of playing favorites. I'm sure you can see why she would think this.
Why did you not move in with your son instead? Him and his family will be the ones benefitting from you financially. It's reasonable that he and his family should have been the ones to take you in and the people who provide for your care needs.
As for you doing all of the housekeeping, laundry, food, and pet care I'd be willing to bet your daughter did not make this a condition for you to move into her house. More likely you came up with this arrangement to make the idea of you moving into your daughter's house more appealing. Also, if your daughter and her husband have all the money like you say they do, they could easily hire a housekeeper for their domestic needs and a dog watcher. I'm sure having her mother become a wage-free domestic servant is not why your daughter let you move into her home.
Your daughter is not abusing you and you should really not refer to her as an 'abuser' in this post or anywhere else.
You're a sick woman and I am sorry for you and wish you recovery from your illness. Try to make things right with your daughter. You should have discussed how you were planning to leave your estate and that she's cut out before moving in with her. Talk to her now though. If she won't take your calls then write her a letter. Sned her an email. It looks like you're the one who is wrong here and there needs to be some communication.

The op says she has lived with her daughter FOR YEARS. And that her daughter has told her to leave for at least a month. She however has still not done so. She’s trying to justify her existence there by talking about how she does chores instead.

And then she makes sure to tell us that the daughters son is adopted.

If you call this abuse you have a very sheltered view as to what abuse is.
If you treat your daughters son as anything other than your grandchild YOU are the one that is being abusive. Not physically but mentally and emotionally.
Start looking for a place that you can afford.
Use the money that you will "leave" to your heirs.
The money that you have saved is yours to pay for your food, housing, and other living expenses.
Start doing things you want to do.
If you want to treat your son's children to some experiences while you can take them on a trip with you. Let them have some time with you, let them see things that they will remember, educate them.
You are lucky that your daughter is not charging you rent.
Doing "chores" around the house is not paying for your living expenses or "upkeep" if is part of being a member of a household. Just like you probably had your kids do chores around the house when they were growing up.
I think that you omitting your daughters children from your Will is uncalled for.
They are your grandchildren. The adopted grandchild is just as much your grandchild as any of the others.
Personally I think that you should divide your assets equally.

I give op credit for giving a heads up about the will. Way more unethical would have been for her to not say anything even as her needs increase. Lots of us can imagine how we’d feel if we’d spent years housing you at no cost only for you to tell us you’ve disinherited us for what you think is a better cause.

Op, you made the decision to cut daughters family out. Daughter has now responded that therefore, she’s not going to subsidize you anymore.

To every action, there is a consequence. Yours is that you need to leave now. It’s almost the first. You’re spry inough to do ALL the housekeeping and pet feeding and have proceeds from a house.

I waited to answer.

"I do everything, housekeeping, laundry, the pet care plus I buy the food and treats for the pets (3 cats and 2 dogs). I also buy all the cleaning supplies as well as groceries."

IMO, you don't need to pay rent, you do seem to contribute to the household. And, your entitled to leave your money to whomever u want. Children should not expect anything from Mom and Dad. Either should grandchildren. I really see ur point. I would not have done it, though. My estate is going to my girls. If they want to use it on their children's education, thats up to them. But it should not have been brought to light until after your death. What is in a Will should be private. Not even the Executor needs to know what's in it until its probated and becomes public. Saying that...I think there is more going on here than you are saying. There are two sides to this story. Was this maybe the straw that broke the Camel's back?

How have you acted since moving in with them? Burnt brings up a good point about the mention of an "adopted child". Do you tend to single this one out? Have you not really excepted him/her as a grandson/daughter. There's a picture that went around on Facebook with children lined up in front of a Christmas Tree in all the same pattern of PJs from grandmom but one, the child that was brought into the marriage which was not her bio grand she was in a different pattern. Seems grandmom only gave PJs to her bio grands. Sorry, I really think there is more going on here then just this one blow up.

When, as a child, I would complain about somebody doing or saying something not nice to me, the first thing Mom would say was "what did you do?". I really don't think this is the first confrontation u have had with your daughter. And I think in this instance you blurted out that only the sons children were inheriting. Next thing daughter said "get out". People only tend to do this when they have had enough.

I am so sorry you are going thru lung cancer. I think moving out is a good thing at this point. I hope that your son is with you throughout your recovery. I hope I am wrong about what went on between u and daughter. I pray that you can patch things up with your daughter.

Manyloveslost,

Please disregard my screen name. My mother died well over a year ago.

I haven’t posted on this site in a very long time.

I deliberately took a break from anything that related to caregiving in any way.

I certainly don’t disapprove of others staying on this site to help others. I remained on this site for awhile but it was triggering disturbing emotions, so I left because it was what was best for me.

My life changed drastically due to being a caregiver to my parents for decades and even after they died I struggled to process it all.

Like your daughter, I invited my mom to move in with my family. I do hope that you realize what a selfless act this is.

Like all mothers and daughters, my mom and I had our ups and downs. Most of us will admit that family relationships are anything but simple.

It is okay, even normal for us to be confused and question our circumstances at times. We have all been there due to various reasons.

Everyone is entitled to hold their own personal views. I ask you though, as someone who has been in your daughter’s shoes to please look at the situation from her point of view.

I understand that you love your son and his family. Please don’t lose sight of your daughter and her family. Please see her as your child with equal value to your son.

It may be helpful to speak with a professional therapist who will be objective and can help you to fully understand the situation at hand, especially now, since you are dealing with a health issue as devastating as cancer.

My mom was similar to you in some ways but extremely different from you in others. She favored my brothers. She continually gave money to them and although there wasn’t much money left, she left it to my brothers because she felt that they needed it most.

I wonder if you have a situation like many of us have had. Conflicts arose long before you were living with your daughter.

My mom felt that my brothers needed help. I was supposed to get help from a man. Her opinion was that women are to marry and be ‘taken care of’ by their husbands.

I paid for my own education, rent, utilities, transportation, wedding and everything else in life.

Life wasn’t easy but I learned that I could survive on my own. That’s more than my brothers learned. They learned to stick their hands out for our mom to place money in them. Is that what you want your son to learn?

Another downfall is that this situation has damaged your children’s relationship with each other.

You are blessed with grandchildren. How wonderful! Please show your love by loving all of them.

I had health issues that prevented me from conceiving a child. I finally said, no more. It didn’t matter to us if our child was biologically related to us or not. I got off my emotional roller coaster infertility treatment ride and we decided to adopt. We have a beautiful daughter. She is our child, period!

Words could never describe the love we felt for her as soon as we laid eyes on her precious little face.

She was the apple of my father’s eye. My mother adored her and never treated her as ‘less than’ her bio grandchildren.

Many years later I conceived a child without the help of fertility doctors. We were shocked but delighted. Our love for them is identical. Simply put, we have two children. We don’t say, ‘one is adopted and one is biological.’ My younger daughter says, “This is my sister.”

Please stop making differences between your grandchildren and children.

My parents showed absolutely no favoritism whatsoever. A parent is a parent, whether biology is involved or not.

A child is your child, whether a person gives birth or they adopt or they foster or they inherit a child through a marriage. Sorry, I don’t use the word ‘step.’

I don’t refer to my nieces and nephews as biological or step. I love each and every one of them the same. I never introduce them as bio or step. I simply say niece or nephew.

I wish your entire family all the best.

Manyloveslost,

I know that I have said more than a mouthful. Please allow me to share a bit more.

I believe that your daughter loves you. I hope that you are not doubting the love that she has shown you.

No one takes on the enormous responsibility of caregiving without caring about the person they have welcomed into their home or lovingly placed in a facility chosen for them to be well cared for.

I don’t know where you will end up. Will you go with your son? A facility? In hospice?

If you do join your son, I guarantee that he will soon gain a greater respect for his sister for welcoming you into her home.

I am curious. Did you have either of your parents live with you? It’s not easy to have a parent living in our homes, even under the best circumstances.

My mom didn’t have my grandparents living with us. She had no clue what it was like to live with her parents as an adult.

Again, please try to consider looking at your situation from all sides.

People say hurtful, awful things when they are hurt and angry. Don’t take everything that has been said as absolute truth as to what is deeply held in your daughter’s heart.

Do look at your actions and question if you feel that you have pushed her too far. Accept the consequences of your actions.

Be brutally honest with yourself and apologize to her for your actions that have caused her any pain.

Explain things to your son. Hopefully he will appreciate that you value your children and grandchildren equally.

My mom acknowledged that I was overburdened with her care. I appreciated her saying that to me. She didn’t ever admit that she favored her sons. I stopped expecting her to.

She lived with us well over a decade and then moved into my brother’s home for a bit over a year.

Mom’s behavior caused sibling rivalry between us. Fortunately, our relationship has long been healed. It is awfully sad that it doesn’t always work out that way.

In spite of the struggles, I did love my mom. We were fortunate enough to make peace with one another.

She died in a hospice facility. I choose to remember more of the joyful moments that I had with my mom than I do the heartbreaking moments.

Therapy, online sites such as AgingCare and in person support groups helped me to cope.

Maybe you could try to remember the happier moments with your daughter. I can’t imagine that she would invite you into her home if she didn’t want you there to share in her family’s life. Nor do I believe that she never cared about you.

Please speak to someone, a social worker, or a therapist who can help you put things into perspective. I hope that this situation will have a peaceful outcome for all involved.

That was a foolish move, it hurt your daughter, was never about the money, and you feeling like a victim is off. You messed up, and treated the daughter, that is taking care of you, without regard for her feelings. I understand, cause my parents have no clue that their preference for their youngest, enabling her, instead of encouraging her to grow up and save her problems, like the older three daughters, has been hurtful. I wound have been dead, had I been enabled, so thank goodness so was oldest and expected to be tough. We were thrown into the world and expected to grow up fast, but number four was spoiled. My very good friend with four daughters, let’s me know the youngest and oldest are treated differently, duh, when theirs is so much space in between. But her friendship has helped me with my mom and dad.

My parents have only shared their will and testament with the special daughter, who btw they also expect to take care of them until the end, but hey, she never left home, cause they enabled her, and it is a big fat mess, possibly. I have little interest in my parents will now, expect our youngest sis to be the recipient of most, and I could care less. We took care of ourselves our entire adult life, and will do so until our death. Doubtful there is anything coming from my husband’s mom either, living years in a memory care facility, that they arranged for themselves. Mad respect for my PIL.