I am a senior age 76 I sold my home a few years ago and moved in with my daughter. She recently found out I planned on leaving the money from my house to my son's kids ages 18 and 12 for help with their education. I am leaving nothing to her or her my son. My son is fine with this and says I should spend the money on myself while I can still enjoy it. My son works but does not make near the money my daughter does. My daughter has a daughter that is married and her and her husband have a good income as well. My daughter also has a 16 y/o son that she adopted and she gives them everything. He is in a private school. My daughter and her ex both makes 6 figure incomes. I am helping my son's 2 kids that have no help with their schooling. My daughter says I am playing favorites by leaving my son, her and her son & daughter out of my will. She got really angry and told me I was not wanted, and nobody cares about me nor do they want me around. She has asked me to leave and has not spoken to me in a month. She does not charge me rent, but I do everything. All the housekeeping, laundry, the pet care plus I buy the food and treats for the pets (3 cats and 2 dogs). I also buy all the cleaning supplies as well as groceries. I am moving soon to live on my own. I have stage 4 lung cancer and other health issues. I am in shock that she could be so cruel and hurtful. I simply cannot forgive this. I did not see this coming. Any suggestions as to what I should do?
So, op, to answer your question:
Get out now. Not next month or later regardless of what your health is. That is your daughters wish as well as what you said you would do.
At certain times I had been hurt so badly by my family that it was difficult for me to trust again. I am grateful that we were able to make peace with one another.
During all of the crazy past commotion, I remember saying to my mother’s face that after she died I would never have a relationship with my brothers again! I didn’t mean to hurt her. I lashed out in frustration because she focused so much of her attention on her sons and I was the one that did everything for her.
Fortunately, after my brother became involved in mom’s care, he apologized to me. He even said, “I heard your words over and over in my head. Now I understand what you were saying.”
I suppose the saying, ‘Never say never’ holds true sometimes because I truly didn’t ever expect a positive outcome.
Mom was at peace and so were we during her last weeks of life in her hospice home because my brothers and I were getting along without conflict.
Parents really do a number on their children when they play one against the other.
It’s almost impossible to get a parent to see what they are doing if they don’t feel that they are wrong. Most of their issues stem from believing antiquated ideas, such as, ‘Daughters are meant to be caregivers. Sons don’t get involved in caregiving.’
OP, your profile says that "I am caring for someone with age-related decline." Obviously you are the one who is being cared for. Besides the Stage 4 lung cancer, what is your "age-related decline"?
Like many here, I think your D has a right to be upset. How did she find out that you had disinherited her? Are you going to keep the will as it is, or change it now? And don't you think you owe her something for her taking you in? What would you have spent if you'd been living independently during these years that you have been living with her?
I am glad that she's found out. I can't imagine people finding out after the elder dies that they get nothing, after taking care of the elder.
You should have informed your D of your plans before you moved in with her.
It's been a month now....how are things going with your moving out? What does, "I am moving soon" really mean. Have you found something?
Perhaps that is your goal? You want to cling to your out of time tendency top favor your son over the daughter who has opened her home to you, loved and cared for you? It is your wish to leave a legacy of divisiveness and destroy the future relationships between your children and your grandchildren?
Your daughter is not the abuser, you are. I'm sorry that you have late stage cancer and are now without the support of your loving daughter, but this is all of your own doing.
Make a Codicil to your Will and make it all an even split. Then humbly apologize to your daughter and see where things go from there.
The will should be discussed as part of a general shared understanding.
I agree that the OP most likely won’t post anything.
Do you wonder what the daughter would post had she written a post of her own?
Any bets from anyone that the daughter’s posting would be the polar opposite of what the OP has written? I bet that it would be vastly different from the OP.
Some people are blind to everything around them. They usually only tell ‘their’ side. They want empathy from others but won’t offer any compassion to others unless there is something in it for them. They will mention all that they do to help others, but mention nothing that others do for them. When they do something for others it always has strings attached.
Mentally ill? Perhaps. Just plain mean? Maybe. Has been abused themselves and is now passing the abuse onward? Possibly. Is in need of therapy? Most definitely! Would agree to therapy? I doubt it. Who knows the real story?
People who feel like they are always right and others are wrong will never seek help. They form a pattern of blaming other people.
But absolutely nothing excuses poor behavior. All it does is possibly explain a reason for it.
Even when a person shows empathy and compassion to them in the hopes that they will see their own despicable behavior, they ignore it.
Or when a person is direct or even blunt with them in hopes of getting them to open their eyes, mind and heart, they fail to get them to see anything that they don’t wish to see.
It’s often a ‘no win’ situation which is incredibly sad for everyone involved.
We have no power to change anyone else’s behavior. We can choose to leave craziness behind and move forward.
I suspect that the OP’s daughter will be just fine in due time. Hurt? Yes. Wounded? Sure. Broken? I don’t think so. I bet that she has dealt with her mother long enough to know what she is dealing with and has now chosen to focus on herself and her family. Good for her!
If it turns out where things work out between the mother and daughter, great but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for it. Mom has a lot to make amends for. Her daughter absolutely does not have to welcome her back into her life or home.
Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is to leave them alone. This mother needs to let her daughter live in peace.
It sounds like you have a lot of hurt towards your parents. It is not his fault if they favored him over you. Don't become consumed by jealousy over it. The only person who will end up hurt is you.
What you can enabling may be something different to your parents. They may think that paying your brother's bills and supporting him as a kind of insurance policy so he will be their caregiver. Did you ever consider that?
You know what the blessing is for you if such is the case?
The blessing is YOU will remain off the caregiver hook. You will never have to take on any of it and that my friend, is a true blessing.
You know siblings often grow up in the same house with the same parents and have completely different relationships and experiences with them. Myself, I had a sad, miserable childhood and adolescence because I was the family scapegoat for my abusive, narcissistic, bully of a mother. I got the short end and usually the brown end of every stick, every time, in my family. You say your parents blame themselves for why your brother is the spoiled, entitled loser you describe. Did you ever ask them why they blame themselves? Or what they think they did to make him the way he is?
Their answers might surprise you and help you understand their dynamic with him.
Try to let go of your jealousy and you are jealous. Jealous that your parents do everything for your brother. Jealous that they favor him over you. It's hard to let it go, but not impossible. Go to therapy if you need to get past the jealousy.
It's not worth it.
I have two sons and both have kids. Our will leaves everything to our sons equally. My Mothers Will leaves everything equally to her remaining children.
When we pass away the aftermath of what we do in our Will is going to cause pain and hurt to anyone left out and will strain the relationship of the siblings as well.
I hope you are at least lurking and reading these posts. When you pass away your actions will live in and I truly feel sorry for your kids.
I am curious...does your mother's will leave a deceased child's portion to that child's children (if there are any)? Or, if that child has children, does his/her share get split up amongst their siblings?
My mil changed the title to her summer lakefront cottage to her 5 children with right of survivorship. If one of the children dies, their share gets split among the remaining siblings. The deceased sibling's children get nothing -- they are cut out. The "last sibling standing" gets normal ownership of the cottage, and their heirs get it when they die. Very unfair -- there are many issues with ownership schemes such as this.
How your daughter feels however does NOT make her an abuser. She's hurt. It doesn't sound to me like she's been caring for you if you do all the housekeeping etc. But her feelings are valid for her. In my opinion her reaction is not "unforgivable" as you say, she may feel your decision is unforgivable.
It sucks this all had to come out when you have stage 4 cancer. And you can't put the genie back in the bottle. All you can do is hope for reconciliation and healing as time passes. Not an easy situation to repair. Are there items of sentiment that could be left to your daughter and hers? Jewelry etc. Just a thought.
For now that's how our Wills read now, the 2 girls split our assets. One girl makes 40k less than the other. The one making more owns a house and has 2 sons. The other shares an apt and has no children. Both are single at this point. So, should I split my estate 40/60 in favor of the child who makes less and has less than her older sister?
We have been recipients of the trickle down effect. A bachelor Uncle left his 5 siblings his estate. Each sibling got 75k. The siblings who had passed, their inheritance went to the children. My MIL had passed. But is that fair to the nieces and nephews that got nothing. The one sibling that was living her 75k went to her care in a NH. Her daughter saw nothing of that inheritance. My Will has no stipulation for my grandsons. If one daughter passes before us, the one remaining gets the whole estate. Now, this could change if the daughter with the children dies before us. We may then consider changing the Will to consider the boys.
It really surprises me when people think grandchildren should inherit. They will inherit from their parents. And I am all for leaving your money to whoever you want. Its your money to do with it as you please. We do not know the full story here. We do things at the time we feel is right. There is always someone who thinks we did it wrong. Or gets mad because they felt they should get. Its really hard to make the right decision and make everyone happy.
We just came from a 10 day trip visiting family one being an Aunt and Uncle in their 90s. They have never had children and he did well retiring at 55. I was saying to a BIL how they did very well living on investments he had made. My BIL then says he is Executor for this Uncle (who is not a blood relative, the Aunt is) and "your not getting anything". I was floored, we never expected to get anything from this Uncle. Always felt if he outlived the Aunt, it would go to his side of the family because we weren't close. And if Aunt survived him, she would leave her money to a niece she was close to. BIL should never have said anything. To me that was private. Uncle would have passed. And we would have just gone our merry way not knowing a thing or caring.
“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time”
I fully agree with the way my parents did it. Their trust was to be split equally four ways amongst their children. If any child died, their children would get their deceased parent's share. (So other grandchildren don't? So what? They have their living parent, who can plan to pass on the inheritance to them.) If the deceased child has no children (one of my siblings is not married and has no kids), then their share is split among the remaining three siblings.
It is definitely the model I want for my estate.
inheritance grows wealth through generations. My parents inherited and saved money. My husband and I saved for retirement and will inherit if Mom doesn't need her savings.
my husband and I never counted on money from our parents. My husband is almost 68 and still works.
My husband and I trust our kids to invest wisely to pass money to our Grandkids.
The poster likley bailed because they didn't get the pity she was after and no one was bad-mouthing the daughter like she wanted.
I mean, come on. Your kid (not you per se) takes you in years ago and for free. Then you turn around and screw them over and their kids out of inheritance? Then mention about their kid being "adopted" as if that's not as good as any other kid?
The OP deserved to get told as she did. It's her choice not to return because the people here failed to tell her what she wanted to hear.