My mother had a fall that broke her hip while she was in dialysis since then she being in a rehabilitation center (MAY2025). Her mind was somewhat ok at the time so the plan was to have her back at her home and me having POA of her so I can take care of her finances while a friend would check on her periodically and take her to dialysis but my mother declined multiple occasions and don’t want me to have access to her money because she thinks I’m gonna steal from her, staying in the facility is not an option since she says she is not paying for that because it’s too much money. Somewhere in between my mother is now considered incompetent by the facility and now they are pushing me to pay since she doesn’t qualify for medicaid (too much money) or for me to take care of her but I really can’t take care of her at the moment she needs care 24/7 since she have mobility problems/ dialysis and it seems like dementia. I don’t have the money, the resources she need or the time (I have a 3 year old and work nights 12hrs) my mother also lives in Florida while I live in Tennessee, me moving with her is not an option because she lives in 55+ community and she already have a lien in the home for non payment. I tried paying the association but they only accept personal checks from the owner of the home. I have a brother that lives in Orlando and hour away from her but he don’t wanna help at all so it all falls on me . I do not have POA, I do have a health proxy and as I stated earlier she is in a rehabilitation center. I found out today by a friend that the facility is not taking good care of her she have a big wound on the feet and she looks high not fully there. What should I do ? Can I pay my moms facility bills with her money even do I do not have POA? The filial would affect me even do she lives in Fl ? The facility can sue me for not paying them? Should I have my mom with me even do I have a lot in my hands as it is? My mom need a court guardian/conservatorship how do I set one for her without affecting my family?
You don't!
You tell all involved that mom cannot come to your home, that she is competent in her own decisions and will make her own choices.
You tell your mother if she doesn't go into care and pay her own way with her own money then you are stepping away entirely.
And please done ask for POA. It is a nightmare to attempt care of an uncooperative elder.
This isn't on you. You didn't cause any of this and can't fix it. You have your own life.
Your brother is the smart one here. Because nothing "fell on you". You assumed it and now you are up the creek with no paddle and one very uncooperative woman on the other end of the canoe.
You need to first let your mother know you are stepping away.
You need then to let all social workers and facilities know that you are not responsible and are stepping away.
OR, you can take all this on; I guarantee it will drown you, but it's a personal decision. You already attempted this once, and this is where it has got you. If you jump on the burning funeral pyre of this woman it will be one slow burn.
You must adamantly and emphatically REFUSE to take her out of whatever facility she is currently in. In a way, you are fortunate to not have her financial POA so you can't make any legal decisions for her and you can't access whatever money and income she has.
The facility is just trying to scare you to get you to do their jobs for them. It's not your responsibility to sell her home which has a lien on it anyway. None of her bills can get paid by you because you can't access her money. This is not a bad thing per se.
Wait it out. There is going to be all kinds of harrassment from the facility. In all likelihood they are collecting from Medicare and already taking her monthly income. Of course they want more, but it's not up to you to pay them.
Tell whatever facility she is in that you live in another state and they will have to get a court-appointed conservator for your mother because you cannot manage her care from where you are.
Also make it very plain to the facility that she will not be coming to live with you nor will you be relocating to her because both are not possible.
Then just wait it out. If they start up about her home tell them to go sell it because you don't have financial POA and cannot. You cannot pay her facility bills out of her bank accounts because you are not her financial POA and you trying to access her money would be illegal.
Filial laws will not affect you. You aren't wealthy and cannot afford to pay for your mother's care. No filial law on the planet can force an adult child to literally move their parent into their home and become their care slave.
Please take the good advice of Alva and myself. Let the facility your mother is in petition for conservatorship of her. Or the court will appoint one.
Even if your mother suddenly changes her mind and wants you to be her financial POA, do NOT accept. Based on what you've written (your mother thinks you would steal from her), it would be a nightmare.
On that same note, do not attempt to seek guardianship yourself. It is expensive and time consuming. Let the facility or state do it. Do not bring her to your home. Your first obligation is to your immediate family.
One of the very wise members of this forum once wrote:
"This is the retirement she planned for, so allow her to have it, without your involvement."
I think it's applicable in your situation. You can still be a caring daughter to the extent that you are able without taking on your mother's financial or caregiving needs.
Since she has been deemed incompetent she will need a Guardian and a Judge approves or appoints someone as Guardian.
If you do not want this responsibility (and it is not easy to be a Guardian) let the Judge find another person it could be a family member or a Court Appointed Guardian.
The Guardian will make all the financial and medical decisions for your mom once they are appointed.
Talk to an Elder Care Attorney. the Facility may also get a Judge to rule on this if they think it is "urgent"
Yep. As Alva said, brother is the smart one here, as my brother was. He made sure to stay out of harms way and so did I.
I, too, live in another state from my aunt with my own like, like you live in another state from your mom. It's not possible.
I wouldn't take this on. I'd let the state handle it.