My husband is 84 and suffers from dementia. I am 74. We have had a beautiful 38 year marriage. we have sailed and traveled many long distance adventures. His condition has been gradual for the past 9 years, but now he can't be left alone. I am using some companion services a few hours a week, but it is very expensive and confusing to him. I do not have a good relationship with his 2 children, and have to almost beg them to give me an occasional break. I am still healthy and adventurous .I feel so TRAPPED and so lonely.
It's not about who's a "good" child and who isn't. A good adult child who asks what they can do to help had a good parent. If they didn't why should they take on caregiving for that parent? Being elderly and needy are not good enough reasons.
You get what you give in life. The OP and her husband had 38 years to build a relationship with his kids and they didn't.
It appears that, for WHATEVER reason, his children do not wish to have anything to do with him or with you. That isn't something that will change, isn't something you can do anything about.
That means that, yes, you are alone as if they never existed.
I would write them that you are now having to consider placement of your dear hubby in care, that he is no longer safe at home alone and you are overwhelmed and cannot do this anymore. Ask if they wish to have a "family meeting" about this before you begin to explore the options.
They may, if the wish to protect any inheritance they figure may come to them, step in to help a bit. You will have to decide if it's enough. If not you should see an elder law attorney about division of assets and ways to protect your own money as your husband goes into the care he deserves.
You have had a good marriage, but this is no longer the man that you married. Sadly, you have limitation in what you CAN do.
So give them that chance to lend a hand or to take on care; if that doesn't work you need to begin to think about placement or hire in help. Because yes, this is now where you are at, whether anyone likes it or not.
Dad died in 2014. I haven't spoken to that woman until this day almost nine years later. Her choice of course.
No, I did not share in his care. After all I allowed the both of them to put me through, there was no way I was going to allow myself to be further used and abused by them. I would have more to say, but that kind of language is not allowed here.
After dad died, he left all of his bio children including his disabled daughter one dollar.
Sometimes adult children may have a good reason for not becoming involved as in my case. I did go visit him and I did have him over at my apartment before he died.
Use your resources to either hire in home aides to care for your husband or place him in Memory Care Assisted Living if you don't want to be "trapped" as a caregiver. His children are not beholden to care for him. Its your job as his wife of 38 years to figure out his care, either by you, by paid caregivers or in managed care. As it would be his job to figure out, after 38 years, if you were struck down with dementia or another terminal illness.
Good luck to you.
In a perfect world people should do this and that, and "love covers over a multitude of sins" sounds great but the reality is that people are broken, communications can be misunderstood, and out of their hurt and disappointments they can become petty, vengeful beings because they cannot control the situation or regain what was lost.
Of course this isn't all or even most children and adult children of divorce, thankfully. It's definitely complicated, though.
You will find here that the vast majority of us, having done the caregiver thing ourselves, are huge proponents of getting our ducks in a row and planning for the future - one that doesn't require our own children to provide hands-on caregiving when the time comes.
You mention the dreaded double-edged sword. You are in a caregiving scenario for your husband of 38 years - but you are not the mother of his children - AND you do not have a good relationship with them. I, like Grandma1954, find it odd that after 38 years in the family, there isn't at least a working relationship with his children.
I'll go out on a limb and hazard a guess that there is some history there. (I mean I was only part of my abusive, narcissistic FIL's family for 30 years and still helped with his care - I would go so far as to say I could not STAND the man, but I love my husband and he needed my help so I helped until we could find another option)
Your title says "adult kids don't like stepmom". Your post says you don't have a good relationship with them. Either way - if you are having to beg them for an occasional break, and they are not offering to help because they want to help their dad (let's leave you out of the equation entirely - because I'm thinking maybe their relationship with Dad isn't so great either) - then you have your answer.
They are not your solution.
It's time to look into other options. If he cannot be left alone you really only have 2 options. You can hire caregivers to come into the home when you cannot be there - as you mentioned - very expensive. OR you can find a residential facility and have him placed, and you can manage his care, and go back to being his wife and not his caregiver.
Either of those solutions are equally loving and continue to provide his care.
From my husband's and his brothers' perspectives, no matter how nice of a person the step-mom is, she is not their Mom. There can be resentment for now having to "take care of" or help another Mom that they have no emotional connection to. They don't see it as their "job", especially if your husband left their Mom to be with you. But maybe he was widowed when he married you. Still, you don't replace their Mom.
Your husband will most likely precede you in death. You now see that his kids won't lift a finger to help you (but may become "active" if they smell an inheritance that they may view as "rightfully theirs"). When my FIL died many years ago, 2 of his sons were shocked and angered that they didn't "get anything" even though his widow was still a young retiree and would need what was rightfully left for her own support. So, the writing is on the wall and you must plan well for your own decline and related care.
But even in non-blended families, there are adult children who choose to not help. One cannot assume other people into a caregiving role. I agree with other comments that you take it as is and spend your savings doing appropriate legal planning and getting good-quality care for the both of you. I wish you all the best as you do so.
When you marry a man or woman who has kids, you have a moral duty to be a parental figure to those kids even if their mom and dad are still alive. Even if they live with their other parent (or parents these days because few people have full siblings anymore).
If a person cannot become a parent to those kids they can become a friend. When a man or a woman had kids with someone else you as the new love interest or spouse has to learn how to share the love and attention. Yet too many times there is competition between a new spouse and the old kids.
This problem is easily avoided. Don't marry a man or woman who has kids if you want all the love and attention exclusively.
We are all aging. This is the inevitable.
I was drawn to your story because I too have had to watch the decline of my husband of 14 years, 10 of those years post-stroke. He can no longer sit up on his own, stand, walk, talk, or chew and swallow solid food. He is in diapers, which I change several times a day.
We met and married later in life. All of our children were grown. I have a complicated relationship with my 3 stepsons. One I respect and get along with quite well (he's the most like his dad), one is completely unreliable and immature, but he seems to welcome the relationship I have with him. The third doesn't like me. I don't know what he has against me. He can be a little secretive, shady, at least with me, but on the outside is very mature, strong, hard-working and principled. So, I respect him. But, we don't get along.
All of my stepsons have a family, young children and work hard at their careers. I would never expect them to compromise their family relationships or their careers to take care of their dad. Recently, I have talked with them about what they will do if I can no longer take care of my husband, their dad. They talked amongst themselves and decided they would put him in a nursing home. Not one of them is prepared to change their life to become a caregiver for a parent.
I respect that and I understand that.
Yes, it is lonely and it is hard work! Taking care of someone in this condition is physically and emotionally draining every day!
Personally, I am an introvert, so I don't mind the isolation much. It's not for everyone. You should find the help that you need. But don't expect his children or any other family to step in and relieve your burden.
Please, reach out here on this forum and provide updates. This is a great community of understanding care providers!
I hope that some of the more judgmental comments don't put our poster off.
It sounds as if life is hard enough without getting such comments off of strangers online.
But, she does need to figure this out for herself because she can't rely on the children.
I, personally, would advocate for a care facility because one person cannot do this alone. Alva's advice about seeing an elder attorney about separating finances for this seems good, sensible and practical advice.