We moved Dad who has COPD and related moderate cognitive impairment to a SNF in September on hospice. He is stable and declining sooooo slowly. His memory has lapses that are frustrating because we (the daughters) have been seeing them for years, but he performs for docs and nurses. We cannot get him diagnosed with dementia, so he is able to make his own decisions... but he doesn't make them in his own best interest... refuses treatments and medications that would help him breathe better. He also has said to us repeatedly that he is ready for "the good Lord to call me home." His quality of life is terrible. He cannot see well, cannot hear well, cannot breathe well, cannot walk unassisted, and is lonely, being isolated in a snf where covid restrictions won't allow visitors (not that he remembers having a visitor 10 minutes after they leave). Hospice won't allow his lasix for swelling in his legs because he has low BP already and they don't want him to "bottom out." But he is ready to die... and finds his swollen legs and feet uncomfortable... but won't take other meds like morphine ... or ativan for anxiety... he is his own worst enemy for refusing things that would give him more comfort... and all we can do is watch... as he almost imperceptibly declines... dying in slow motion. Suggestions?
Yes, all you can do is watch. Though actually you can't even do that, can you, if you're not allowed into the SNF?
How is your relationship with the staff who are looking after him? If it's good, or you can work on making it so, I think you might find it helpful to see them as a buffer between you and your father's decisions. They will - or at least I would expect them to - continue to offer him symptom relief as and when he seems to need it; and if he continues to refuse it, that has to be accepted.
His quality of life must indeed seem absolutely dreadful to you, but let the staff monitor and tell you how he is. If he's not in pain and not afraid, it's going well; and if anything changes at least you know he still has those options.
Try not to let your frustrations about being unable to get a dementia diagnosis fret you. Looked at another way, it does save you some agonising choices further down the road.
You know, there is no reason why you shouldn't ask him in a non-confrontational way why he is refusing medications. It's just possible that he has misunderstood something about them and you'll be able to ask his team to set his mind at rest on that point; but don't stress him out about it.
You mention that dad won't remember a visit from someone 10 minutes after they leave. So being 'alone' is a commonplace feeling for him, in his current state of mind. Nothing will 'fix' that, either. My mother tells me constantly that 'nobody calls me' when I know for a fact that she gets several phone calls PER DAY in her Memory Care ALF. She believes nobody calls her, so that's HER reality, as it's your father's reality that he's lonely. It's not fact. Nothing can fix someone else's perception of reality.
That said, you have to allow your father to make his own decisions about his own care. If he's feeling poorly enough, he WILL take medications offered to him by hospice, that's how I look at it. I often say, we humans will be willing to take arsenic if we're in enough pain or discomfort......anything that offers relief after a certain point in time will do, you know? Trust that he's making the best decisions for HIM, and let it go. I know how hard it is to watch.........to stand by and feel so helpless. It's a terrible feeling.
My mother also says that she's ready to die...........and wants me to 'pray for God to take her', then accuses me of not 'praying hard enough' because she's still here on Earth, at almost 94 years old. God's just not ready for her yet, for whatever reason, nor is He ready for your dad. And they have to suffer, and we have to suffer watching THEM suffer, and it's all a big fat mess, isn't it? It's hard to hear a parent talk so often of wanting to die, yet it's understandable, given the issues they face. A true catch-22.
Maybe you can send your dad an Edible Arrangement or a box of his favorite candy, or some other treats on a regular basis, if the SNF allows it? I do that for my mother and she loves it. I was thinking about sending her an Edible Arrangement for Christmas this year in lieu of another useless top or slippers she won't wear. Go to www.ediblearrangements.com to see if there is a shop in your area that delivers. Recipients FLIP OUT over these fruit flower arrangements every single time. It's a bright spot in their day, you know?
I wish I had a wise answer for you, but I don't. Sending you a hug and a prayer that your dad finds some peace & comfort soon, and the same for you and your sisters.
And TRUE testament re sentient sentences before consciousness sentences.
Happy Holidays!
My mom was bedfast on hospice in a NH 18 l...o...n...g months. It was like watching a self mummification. Beyond eerie. Why mom flat just wasn’t ready to die is something I’ll never know. I asked the hospice RN how she could still be alive..... as she was getting teeny tiny, barely eating, she said it’s just a mystery only she knows. Hospice will make sure they are pain free and comfortable.
You must be dealing with a lot of emotions. You are grieving the loss of your father while he’s still alive. He recently moved into the SNF, which was a stressful transition even before COVID times. Plus, you don’t think he’s making the right decisions to care for himself. So many of us have this frustration, but you’re extra concerned because you know he has undiagnosed dementia.
How to deal with this situation? There’s no right answer. It sucks. Do what you can to give your dad the best care, take care /be compassionate with yourself and your sisters, and try to let go of things you can’t control. Hospice/SNF workers should realize soon enough that your dad has dementia. Then, whoever has medical POA can step in. But you’re still physically distanced because of the pandemic, so just do the best you can and then go out for a jog or give your sisters a big hug or eat a healthy meal with plenty of water, whatever you do to keep yourself from caving under the stress of the long wait.
Although he may say he’s ready and wants to die, it may be different than actually wanting to end one’s life. That’s what I’ve discovered. So In addition, I try to see that my husband’s life is still valuable even though he isn’t contributing to society or the family like he used to.
*hugs*
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