Anxietynacy Asked April 22, 2024
What to say to your mom?
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When she says how worried she is that she may end up in a facility. And is talking about how awful it was to be there when she had rehab 5 years ago.
Yes there is a strong possibility she will have to sooner or later, and I know she is asking this and looking at me to say that I will never let that happen. But I'm not going to lie, and she and my brother, POA really need to deal with this.
I did tell her that I can't do anymore than I am doing now, I'm sure it wasn't the answer she is looking for, but like you all say , I didn't ask to be born, I didn't make her old.
Just wondering what more I could say
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"Mom, it's possible. You might end up in a facility, and I might end up in a facility. That's the chance we take for being able to live longer. Sometimes we have to take the bad with the good. If I end up in a facility, I plan to make the best of it. As Abraham Lincoln said: 'Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.'"
Personally, I know I'll end up in a facility if I live long enough. I'm fine with that, and have planned for it. It's not something I look forward to, but I accept it as a possibility.
Now I'm realizing that the reason they wouldn't discuss a plan was because, I was there long term plan.
No one told me that! (Lol)
Now I'm trying to give them time to let it sink in that they need a new plan.
But they may just live in denial until they are pushed into making a decision.
It may take you giving 60 or 90 days notice to get your family to do somethlng .
I never thought “ helping “ my parents was going to last a dozen years . I kept them alive a lot longer than if they were left on their own at home. That’s for sure !! I lost count how many medical emergencies I found them in and called the ambulance.
You aren’t POA. So it’s easier for you to get out of the “ helping “ than some of the rest of us who couldn’t get parents to leave the house .
Plan a vacation with your husband . Then that’s your quitting date . If you won’t be home they will have to do somethlng .
I will mention it though to her if it's what she wants I will. She should know her choices , you are right about that
Visiting AL is a great idea, but not possible now, not being POA, my brothers will loose it on me. One brother I know wants the house, the other one has put tons of money into it. So then mom will take there side and it would just be mess!! Probably disown me again( 🤔 Maybe it's not a bad idea 😆) anyways it would just be mom that gets hurt.
First thing first, working on making sure everyone knows that I'm not doing more than I am. And I think they are starting to see that. Maybe they will start thinking more about the future now.
Assisted Living provides a safe and convenient place to live. Your mom will have a staff at her disposal to help with her needs.
She will have her own personal space, meals provided, activities, shuttle buses are provided for doctor appointments, a chapel, etc.
I would tour the ones that you are interested in. Make an appointment to visit with your mother. Many of them will include lunch during your visit.
Best of luck to you!
You need to tour some ALs. You should look at group homes. My BIL is in a group home that he loves. Only 8 people and 24/7 care. A regular neighborhood, and it was a private home before an RN bought it and turned it into a care place.
Some ALs allow residents to have their cats or dogs with them. Some board and care homes are owned by a family rather than a corporation and their children visit with the residents, as if they were family too.
Just went with my GF for lunch. On the way we dropped her Aunt off at her LTC facility. The woman is 100 1/2. She originally had a cottage but her needs became more so she is in AL, I think. Her attitude, she justs except things the way they are. She tries not to be demanding as she puts it. She thanked my GF for picking her up and dropping her off after doing her hair. "No need to sit around and wait for my aide with me", she said. Was happy she was able to get out and see the world. Got to love her.
Why would you be harsh with an elderly aging parent? You are still their relative unless you don't want to be considered their daughter. You know age happens to all of us if we are lucky. Sometimes and unfortunately younger people can have bad health for a variety of reasons. If you were that young person and needed a ride to a doctor appointment or a friendly reassuring phone call would your parent deny you?
Long term care demands are nothing like 'a ride to the doctor' or 'a friendly reassuring phone call'.
I told her she needed to apply for Medicaid and be in a facility. At least she is there with my father so she is not alone.
One of their daughters visits every day so sit and talk a bit and make sure the staff is doing what they should be doing.
Don’t sugar coat it.
Only cover likens ALs to nursing homes and SNFs for rehabs. Those who have experience with them know the truth. We should all be so fortunate to have the finances to live our last years out in AL! I'd move there in a N.Y. minute.
My friend was in one for a number of years. He had his own apartment with a kitchen, and his wife, who still lived in their house, visited most days. He kept their dog with him sometimes. Wife was a good bit younger and had a business to manage, but she spent the night with him frequently and they had a standing date for karaoke at a nearby club one night a week. She was often with him in the facility's restaurant for dinner. They both found this workable in their circumstance. One of the best things is that he wasn't ever alone or lonely. He had a group he hung out with, they played pool and went on outings together. I wish people who decry putting their parents in a "home" would visit places like these. I visited them there and enjoyed it. He lived to a happy 89 years old.
We will both grieve this, many times over, but before we start to cry, let’s tour three ALs, and make appointments with two different realtors. Let’s make those decisions in 30 days. That will give us 60 more days to pack up your house. And, no. I won’t change my mind.”
Onward. 🩷
"I don't blame you for worrying. You are smart and you know it is a distinct possibility. I can't and won't give up my life to do in home care.
I feel bad, Mom. You're right to grieve over this, to yell, scream, cry and be angry. This is tough, and when it happens to me I will be the first to weep. And if I live long enough it WILL happen to me.
I'm so sorry. I hate to see this for you, but without giving up my own right to a life there is little I can do about it but grieve along with you.
I will visit you; I will help you the best I can. I will hope that we are both surprised and you may actually like it more than you now think you will. I hope so. That's what happened for the brother of a friend I talk to on our elder forum.
I am no Saint mom; you haven't been either. I am glad you can share how tough this is. We are just two human's with limitations doing the best we can. I wish I had better answers for you, but I don't."
Something along those lines. All the things you ALREADY KNOW. Because you DO know the truth here, A. You didn't cause this, you aren't responsible for this, and you can't fix this. You just have to be honest with her and with yourself. Life isn't about happiness. Sorry. It never was. Your Mom is an old gal. She has had many unhappy times in her life, and this is just one more.