My mom lives in a nursing home. She has dementia. One evening I called her and she said "I'm scared". I didn't know what to do so I drove to the nursing home. When I went into her room she was sitting on her bed in the dark. It frightened me. She never told me what she was afraid of. I cannot talk to her about God...she is atheist. How do I deal with it if she says she's scared? It haunts me.
But even without knowing, you can reassure her that you love her and will take care of her and listen to what she needs. Knowing that someone cares and listens is very soothing.
As someone else suggested, you can also use music or soothing smells (like essential oils) to create a calm surrounding. Depending on her level of functioning - smell, touch and sound can reach someone when words don't work so well.
I wouldn't be concerned about her exact beliefs about God. Especially if she has dementia or impaired thinking. God is love - and if you are bringing love and compassion into her life - then you are bringing God's loving spirit to her - whether she is able to comprehend it that way or not.
If you are okay broaching the subject, you could say, Mom I get scared all the time , mostly because I know I can't control things in my life. That is one reason that I have asked God to help me and take control so I don't have to worry. This might open a conversation which was planted by your faith a long time ago.
In your case, you could ask if she's afraid of a storm (something general, then gradually work closer to something you think might be the issue), or is she afraid of being alone at night... It's one way of narrowing down the cause of the fear rather than asking a broader question - no criticism of Jeanne's suggestion. It was in fact her comments that gave me the ideas I just posted.
I'm wondering also if you could put on a gentle music CD for her when you leave, something to soothe her. There are specific relaxation CDs; I used to have a cassette of the sound of waves lapping on the shore. It was unbelievably relaxing.
If you have any of those scented herbal heating pads, you could leave one just for the fragrance rather than for any heat it provided. Photos of baby animals soothes and relaxes me.
What did she like and what soothed her before the dementia? Can you reproduce or integrate those things into her life?
Following up on Jessie's suggestion, can you visit when your mother could go to an activity, such as a crafts session, or a music session? If so, you could start a conversation with another woman and bring your mother into it. You may have to help her engage with others, but if you can help her build rapport with someone she may not feel so alone.
I remember also that my sister used to leave radios on classical music channels to provide "company" for her dogs when she left the house.
I would suggest a cell phone that she could use to call you, but it might be difficult for her to use. But do you think if you called her at bedtime, that it might help?
It's really heartbreaking to imagine her sitting in her room in the dark, afraid of we know not what.
Then try to get specifics. "I am so sorry that you are feeling scared right now. Can you tell me what frightens you?"
She may not even know herself or may not be able to articulate it. But it would be helpful to know if she is scared of being in trouble because she knocked over a cup of coffee or she's scared of dying or she has just had an awful hallucination. If you can find out, that will help guide you to comfort her.
If you live close enough and these episodes are not constant, perhaps your response of going to be with her was the most comfort you could offer.
Let us know what happens. There has to be something that she will not feel so alone and afraid.