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I know this is not specific to elderly care but I feel it is one of the challenges. I turn 50 today and leading up to it I have mentioned that we could celebrate with a cake at the weekend. I have never much bothered with celebrating my birthday and my mother no longer cooks family meals. I am the last of my siblings to turn 50 and for each one a family meal has been planned with the menu/date/time chosen by the person whose birthday it was. My mother phoned me this morning to tell me that all of my family (siblings, partners, nephews) are coming to her house tonight for a meal and I am the last one to be invited. She said she is doing roast lamb.I am livid because I don't want to celebrate it tonight. I have to get up at 5am tomorrow for work and I don't like roast lamb. If I don't turn up she will call me rotten to all of my siblings.

Thanks everyone for these replies. I should have sucked it up and been more gracious but I didn't and I wasn't. I will be more wise in the future. In any case, the event has been moved to the weekend but I still won't be eating the lamb!
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Reply to charlen74
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AlvaDeer Sep 13, 2024
Good. Bring a meatball hero sandwich and they will all be PeaGreen with envy. And have a good time. Have a really Happy milestone birthday.
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Lamb..an aquired taste? My MIL was English and never served it. I really hate it when someone this close to me has no idea my likes and dislikes. Our birthday dinner growing up was our favorite food. Mine was spaghetti and choc. cake with choc icing. Now I cannot eat them together.

I guess you will need to suck it up.😊 Hopefully, Mom will have enough of other things you can eat. Just put a little piece of lamb on your plate for looks. Just smile and tell Mom thank you. Tell family Sorry I have to eat and run, I have to be up at 5am. You may be surprised that everyone else wants to get home too.

I would make it known to your siblings next year that if Mom is planning anything, all you want is cake and on a weekend. They are to discourage Mom from having a dinner during the week because of your schedule. Better still they can tell Mom no dinner at all. And make everyone realize...you don't like lamb.

Don't you hate it when you tell people you don't want something and they do it anyway.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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AlvaDeer Sep 12, 2024
Boy, not me. If this is a birthday dinner, they are all on their own. Ha ha. And I wish them well of the lamb thing.
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I'd just say no thank you.

Happy birthday.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You are so correct, that this isn't a caregiving situation.
Except you are the one they are trying to give care to? I think?
But it's a fun question for a break from the foxholes, so here goes.

As this is a hard and fast family tradition you often don't attend, don't like (and that's unlikely to be a secret) I am kind of wondering why you ignore anything about it until TODAY?
I don't understand at all. Do fill me in!
I myself would just have said casually last week or the week before:
"Gee, Mom, as we both know I turn 50, and am the last to do so, next week. I'm having having cake for all at the weekend. I couldn't come if you MADE a big to-do; job requires me up before dawn day after the birthday. You know I hate all that anyway, but just to be sure you know. Love you lots."

At this point all I can say is "Sorry Mom. Too late. I have plans. And have to be up at crack of dawn for the job. I will see you at the weekend. I don't eat lamb or veal, anyway hon. Y'all have fun!".

Will anyone be surprised at that response? Nah.
If so, do you care? Nah.
And isn't it fine they can all eat leg-o-lamb together on your BD? YUKE!
Good luck at the job.

This has been a giggle, and I love a break from the overall trials of caregiver talk, so I thank you. Milestone birthday. I LOVED my 50s and 60s. 70s were OK. 80s? A drag so far!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Happy Birthday! I completely understand your frustration and anger. I am almost a decade older than you and still nothing can overwhelm me as quickly as family interactions. I don't know your family dynamics, but is it possible they didn't want your milestone day to go by without celebrating it somehow on that actual day? I am the oldest in my family so I understand how special things change by the time it is the youngest's turn. But also in my family the youngest has a special place of privilege. So why don't you assume that is what is going on here? So I would show up and thank everyone for coming tonight to mark the day but also that you are planning a longer birthday celebration on a weekend when everyone can kick back and have a good time. Even though it is fun to read the other responses, they would just feed your anger and resentment. As hard as it is, I would try to assume that everyone is doing the best they can. And also gently insist on the party you wanted, which might mean no home cooking from Mommy, who sounds like she is either losing her abilities or has been stirring up a pot of family dysfunction for years. Either way, on your birthday you should give yourself peace of mind and happiness.
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Reply to Jennyjenjen
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AlvaDeer Sep 12, 2024
I would assume they are doing the best they can, and wish them a happy meal.
I might send a blow up doll to sit in my place. But I wouldn't be at dinner.
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In your shoes, I’d show up with an alternate dinner for myself and quietly say it’s what I’d enjoy. I’d stay the least amount of time to guard my sleep, and gracefully excuse myself. You need to do what will give you the most peace. Happy birthday!
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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cwillie Sep 12, 2024
Yeah, that's what I'd probably do too. Or I'd show up and eat the da**ed lamb 😞
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Grab yourself your favorite cake (just one piece) and show up and eat that for dinner and then tell everyone that it's been great but since you were summoned mere hours before the dinner, and you have to be up at 5am tomorrow - you will bid them all good night. Then grab yourself your favorite meal on the way home if you are still hungry.

Or don't go - message your siblings and let them know mom didn't let YOU know about your own birthday dinner until hours before you were expected to be there - and that you have to get up at 5am tomorrow so you won't be able to join - then tell mom that given the short notice you can't attend.

Tell your SIBLINGS first so they know what's what. Then tell mom after you have clarified to your siblings.

Either way - an invitation is not a summons - you don't have to go.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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Well, carlen, Happy 50th Birthday .

How would I handle this? I didn't handle something very similar well.

I really hate cake, told mom at every birthday for anyone, i hear, eat some cake!! Over and over again. Untill I finally did.

Birthdays, turned into dreaded day, of ugh , I have to eat cake day is coming . Instead of ugh I'm getting old .

Honestly I never really solved the issue, just increased my hatred for cake, and mom got to old to make it.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I recommend this be moved to the Discussions section.

You can still go, but bring an entree of your own liking (splurge on something very yummy that you normally wouldn't buy). If anyone gives you grief about this, explain that you hate roast lamb and don't wish to eat it on your birthday. Then have your piece of cake and open gifts as soon as you are done and then leave early explaining that you have to be up at 5am. Thank everyone with a big smile for making the effort to attend and celebrating with you. This way you don't look like a petty chooch.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I would call your siblings and cancel the event, I'm sure none of them are keen to get together on a weekday either. And assign the oldest/favourite to inform your mother. Hopefully your family dynamics aren't such that they all want to screw you over just as much as mom does.
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