I live long distance from my elderly parents. Dad slowing down, Mom picked up a lot of slack as a caregiver because Dad can't do as much now, but has always been an "overdoer" which is my nice way of saying she has a bit of a martyr complex. She is very stressed out, has lost some good friends in the past couple of years, complains about how tired she is, etc. She has been very short and I'll just say it - unkind - numerous times in the past year. I understand this is a really hard time for her. She has always been a bit of a control freak, but we got along and had fun together in the past. Childhood was a little rocky. I think she is unhappy about her marriage and this has affected her outlook on life. At this point in time, she is giving me the silent treatment and won't say why. I can guess - she's not happy that I willingly moved farther away from them due to my husband's job. But since she won't talk to me about it, I can only guess. This has been going on for close to a month. In the past 6 months she hasn't called me (though I talk to my dad every week). She doesn't want to get on the phone. When she does get on the phone, she is sullen and rude. When I tried to talk to her about coming out for a visit to help them with stuff, she gets very condescending and tells me how busy I am and they don't need my help. So I went and booked a flight anyway. I'm going to be there on Friday, fly back on Monday. She isn't talking to me, so her text response was "Your father will have a list for you." I can only assume that she will make the list, give it to my dad to give to me. Major passive aggression going on. FYI Dad and I have a good relationship. No issues there.
I have a sister who lives in their town, but she doesn't check in on them regularly and does her own thing. She'll come over and visit on a holiday but really isn't in the trenches when that's needed. Not trying to sound like the hero, but I'm basically the responsible kid and I'm trying to figure out why my mom is villainizing me at this point in time. What purpose does it serve for her?
Advice?
Just taking in your post and imagining your folks there in their home having the prospect of your visit to bat around. Looking at the list. Mom trying to figure out how she’ll get it all done before you get there. Lol
I think that you are feeling a bit anxious. You dad is the patient but mom is who you are worried about.
Your mom doesn’t sound happy. Probably with life. It’s a big adjustment she’s going through. She may not feel like talking to you as you have perhaps disappointed her. She knows that you have the right to live your life etc (yes, there’s that) but can’t help feeling a little abandoned and doesn’t want to rehash it all with your quick visit and the same result. You on your plane … her dealing. She has a right to her feelings and it’s hard to put on a happy face sometimes when life is especially hard. And there is fear for the future and depression.
Probably doesn’t want to set herself up for another disappointment. It will be a little easier for your dad because he knows she needs help and is hoping you will be that without too much drama.
She knows your visit is a band-aide, you want to feel better about what you’ve done and she’s supposed to just accept it and pretend it’s all okay. Well, it’s not okay. None of its okay. But it is what it is. But hopefully when you are actually there, the ice will be broken.
Maybe you shouldn’t compare yourself to your sister. She didn’t set herself up to be the responsible kid and then fly away. A lot of time went into grooming you for your role according to what the therapists would say. You walked off the stage. Now what?
If mom has always been distant and dad warm and loving, you’ll feel right at home.
If this is new behavior for mom, and you notice changes that go behind being miffed, maybe put on your detective hat. Check out the medicine cabinet, get her doctors names and see about following up on any health issues.
I think my advice would be to go for a real visit. Take it all in. Talk about life and choices. Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. Talk about the five questions Gawande recommends. See if you can help all three of you figure out what’s next and how you will contribute or not.
I like Grandma 1954’s idea of a regular helper. Even if it’s a housekeeper.
At night, when they’ve gone to bed, walk around with your phone and video the house. This will help you if you end up getting involved with repair people or considering safety measures. Also video your parents as they interact or as you ask them questions. It will help you see what’s going on with them and notice changes easier for when you see them next.
Pay attention to their mail, to the food in the cupboards, sit where they sit. See what they see. This time of COVID has taught us that life is very precious and unpredictable. Deep breaths and know that your mama still loves you. Once you are there, it will take on a life of its own.
Yes good advice. Go with an open mind. Eyes & ears open too. May see or hear how it really is.
Encourage mom or dad to accept a caregiver at the minimum 1 day a week but 3 would be better. And it can be for as little as 3 or 4 hours or a 7 or 8 hour day. What a big difference a bit of a break can make.
If dad or mom is a Veteran there may be some help the VA can provide.
Their local Agency on Aging may also provide some help or at least a starting point to obtain help.
While you are visiting encourage mom to get out for a bit. Order dinner and you pay for it .
Visiting for a few days may put more pressure on mom. Clean a room, change the sheets, get some of your favorite items in and probably making dinner or 2.
It's beyond time to really get to understanding what's going on and what needs to be done for your parents. I'd say you've hit the point where the roles of parent and child are about to switch, so it might be a little bit of a dance to maneuver yourself into the position of decision-maker and take the pressure of decisions off your mom and dad.
I've said it here on this forum many times -- older people have a really hard time making decisions, and they don't multi-task well either. My dad was my mom's caregiver and was seemingly completely competent, but if he accomplished just one thing in a day beyond caring for my mom, it was a win. Unfortunately, that meant that the house never got cleaned, food he'd bought to make dinners in advance rotted in the refrigerator (they also lose their sense of smell as they age, by the way), and bills didn't get paid on time here and there, including the taxes one time.
My dad would have said that he had everything under control for the most part, but he really didn't, and it wasn't until he went down with cancer and I moved in for two months that I realized how bad it really was. Caregiving is all-encompassing, and the caregiver is left feeling exhausted and resentful.
Don't make this a visit to spend time with Dad because you get along with him. Instead, spend time with Mom to really understand what she's dealing with, then after you get home, stay on top of what's going on there and find ways to lighten her load.
Far too much of your post is speculation about what you think your mom is thinking or feeling, but don't really know unless she tells you. Please make a real effort during this visit to ask her and be prepared to LISTEN.
It sounds like a gal that I know who is in a fit because her daughter moved to another town when she and her husband retired. My friend (and I am getting so disgusted with her I hesitate to call her a friend) thinks her senior children should support her both financially and physically. She said once, "I guess I am asking too much", to which I replied "Yes you are, why should Becky put her life on hold for you?". Oh, will she move close to them? Of course not.
If mother is overwhelmed, she needs to change her environment. I had to get someone to clean for me. I make it a point that I hire the work done, and I try not to ask anyone for help more than once a year. All our friends who used to run to help for BBQ and beer are either dead or don't drive.
So I wouldn't take her silence personal. To me it just sounds like she's a bit overwhelmed with everything, and doesn't know where to begin in getting or asking for help. Hopefully when you get there, and can sit down with her face to face, she may open up to you with what her concerns are while caring for your dad.
And just let her know that even though you don't live near that you are willing to do what you can to help. I think she may just need to know that someone is on her side.
I may be way off base on this, but that is the optimist in me speaking. Best wishes.