I am new to this site but have been impressed by the support offered. So, I am hoping you wonderful folks can give me your perspective.
I am the sole caregiver for my mother who is almost 93. We have home healthcare coming to the house due to recent bout of pneumonia and a hospital stay. She has been given exercises and is now on a standard walker (she used a rollator for years) and in a wheelchair as needed. Mom will show off when PT or OT are here and do everything fairly well.
Afterwards, she is extremely tired. However, when I am working with her she fights me over everything. I know this is a common problem/situation and have discussed it with her healthcare team. They acknowledge the problem but told me to keep after her or "she won't get stronger." I know they are correct but it is hard to be a "drill sergeant" (Mom's words).
I try to be gentle or cajoling or even silly but it doesn't work. She is sloppy with the exercises and incautious when walking or transferring. For example, when she is walking with me around the house she will have the walker in front of her so that her arms are totally extended and she will even push it away from her. So far I have been able to catch her before she falls. However, I live in fear due to safety concerns. She can't move around without assistance but my life would be easier if she followed my directions as well. She knows and acknowledges that my corrections are how she should be walking, exercising, or transferring but she continues with her methods.
So, I am wondering when do I acknowledge that it is time to stop trying to improve her mobility and simply be available for safety. I am tired of arguing with her everyday and several times each day. Yet, it would be nice if she could achieve a little independence; such as walking to the bedroom without me needing hands on. The therapists have told her this is possible if she does her 'homework.' Other than this, we rub along well together.
Pneumonia is serious in the elderly. They may be "out of it" for awhile.
It would be a good idea if you could consider the options for the future, and what is affordable for her (NOT with your money- you need it for your own old age). You can find your way around options easily on this site. Click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, then A for Assisted Living, N for Nursing Homes, M for Medicaid etc. Once you have a clearer picture of what the future might bring, you could consider visiting the real 'possibilities', and perhaps taking M with you. Facilities often offer lunch and a tour – you can ‘sell’ it as an interesting good-value lunch excursion which you have been told about.
As well as being a good idea for the future, it gives you something concrete to talk about with M. When you can’t do x, y or z, we will have think about moving you somewhere with around the clock care. It might motivate her to try harder with exercise, at least give her something to think about. Some waiting lists are long, and it’s worth putting her on the best one or two. You aren’t forced to take a place if it comes up sooner than you need it, so it’s a good idea even if it never happens.
Best wishes, Margaret
If mom is fully aware of what she is doing, what needs to be done then she is making a choice to be a bit lax with her PT
You can hire caregivers that can come in and help you and mom. You can instruct them to help mom with her PT. So you are not the "drill sergeant" it is someone else.
You can also tell mom that if she does not continue the PT and do what she needs to do then she will be in a wheelchair full time and that might make it more difficult to manage at home and you may have to look at AL facility where she will have help 24/7 especially if she needs help transferring. (She may be 1 fall away from AL or Skilled Nursing)
My brother, who was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's after a car accident went to rehab for a month. There they had him up and around and exercising and his balance was so improved by their balance exercises. But would he do them at all when he went home? Nope. And in the end I think his refusal and his claims that I was managing his life too much was just as a result of all the losses one after another, and the fear of more losses of al control. He just needed to have SOME control of SOMEthing. And he wouldn't do them at all. I gave up. He was 85. I just simply gave up.
At some point there is not more you can do without changing your relationship more and more and more each day. You can sit with her and tell her that when she cannot be on her feet anymore you cannot keep her at home with you, nor afford 24/7 caregivers in the home (if this is true) and your wishes to make her walk aren't so much being a task master to her as it is to hope you can keep her on her feet so she can stay with you. Perhaps the fear of getting bed bound will motivate her, but this is so sub- conscious that I doubt it.
I wouldn't go there anymore. Or at least I would do it once a day matter of factly getting her up and moving, or I wouldn't bother. She's 93. You are heading toward the inevitability of the loss of mobility. It is hard to accept.
That's just my advice. Others might keep going for it, keep trying. And again, at some point, no matter what you do, the inevitable is right there with you. I sure do wish you luck and welcome you to Forum.
Mom’s cognition level varies by day. Which requires me to vary my interactions. At this point her mental lapses are being attributed to “hospital dementia.” I have been told to be patient and boy is that hard.
So I can just imagine how I would feel at 93. I would be telling people to STOP IT and let me enjoy what I have left in the life.
I would argue with her regarding doing her exercises.. I became a nag .. lost the daughter in me..
I would encourage her, but let it go ..
Please do not catch her. This could cause serious injury to you. Then what happens to both of you?
Does your mom have any executive function problems? If not, telling her that she WILL end up in a nursing home if you get injured or she becomes immobile might stop the fighting. If she has executive function problems you can't win here and have to decide what your boundaries are for what will inevitably happen.