When it rains, there’s a hurricane, tornadoes, and sharks everywhere! Anyone else deal with multiple people to care for all at once?

Question

When it rains, there’s a hurricane, tornadoes, and sharks everywhere! Anyone else deal with multiple people to care for all at once?

Follow

Share

Really, I’m just saying ‘when it rains, it pours’, but really, that is such an understatement...

As some of you know, I have two wee kids at home, and this is week 4 starting of my MIL’s care (she moved in with us).

Last Thursday night, my dad suffered a brain bleed and he’s in intensive care (had surgery yesterday). Suddenly, I don’t have 3 dependents- I have FIVE. My mother is helpless and overwhelmed. Right now she’s looking after my kids before school starts, and starting tomorrow I’ll be staying in a hotel to be nearer to dad, while hubby looks after MIL. Maybe it’s just the dark before the light, but how do I look after everyone? Dad has yet to wake up, and I don’t know how long I can logistically stay in a $200+ hotel nightly while my kids are missing me, everyone is begging to be kept informed, and meanwhile my mom is upset because she doesn’t know which day is garbage day.

I just want my dad better. I know things probably aren’t going to go back to the way things were, but I am panicking with my new reality.

Anyone else deal with multiple people to care for all at once? How do you juggle it all without breaking?

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Sandwich Generation

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

15 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

I'm sending an Angel to keep you and guide you. To help and strengthen you. To protect and preserve you. Relax. Give it to God! HE will give you what you NEED! God's GOT this.

And, WE are here to support you and to send you love and (((Hugggs)))

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Lizbitty: Praying for you.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Take a deep breath. Do this until any panicky feelings subside.

Now, let's look at priorities. As an RN, I have cared for multiple clients during an 8-12 hour shift. I have to prioritize care and I have to schedule care to make sure everybody's needs are met. You can do the same:

#1 - Your spouse, You married this person and probably made some vows to love and cherish and weather the storms of life together. Talk frequently and make time for just the two of you since this is not only a spouse, but your partner in caring tasks.

#2 - Your children. Until your children are adults, they need you and your spouse to nurture them and guide them. You can temporarily get others to step in, but ultimately the responsibility for raising the children are yours and your spouse. I can say this since my hubby and I were active duty soldiers and I know the difficulties of finding great sitters. Sitters, even family, do not necessarily teach the values and life lessons you want your children to learn.

#3 - Yourself. Some people may make "yourself" the highest priority, but I know most women have a problem doing that. The deal is if you don't make the time to care for yourself, you can't care well for others. It's kind of like hospital staff that don't get lunch breaks, potty breaks, or enough sleep and expecting them to be on top of everything. We expect those people to burnout quickly; they do. Make sure to take care of your essential needs and then add some "time off" for fun.

#4 - Everybody else. This includes senior parents with aging issues, medical emergencies... If you are having too much on your plate caring for #1 through #3, then you definitely need more people involved in caring of all the "others". This is why hospitals have invested in social services departments. They realize that most families and clients need a bigger network of helpers than they currently have. While you are at the hospital, get nursing staff to arrange a meeting with a social worker. Let this person know all the help you need and take their advise. Social service workers know all the resources available for help. That is why they are there.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Such good clear advice.

I have had to redraw back to #1-3 recently myself. Just reading this validates & helps. Thank you.

I'm sure it will help others too.

(0)

Report

You definitely need to take some stuff off your plate or the family will be visiting you in the hospital! And then who will take care of them?
The hospital, overwhelmed though it may be, will do their best to keep you informed. While you are staying in the area, find out who your Dad's hospital social worker and make friends so that she/he will feel personally obligated to keep you in the loop. Find out from the doctors, what your Dad's chances are for recovery (hate to be blunt but you have got to be realistic for the sake of your sanity and your children). If there is a possibility that Dad will be discharged to a rehab facility, you need to look at possible ones while you are in the area. Where is your Mom residing at this time? In her home? Is that close to the hospital. If Dad doesn't regain a lot of his pre-bleed functionality, will he (and Mom) need care at home? Will he be able to go home or will he need a LTC facility? What plans need to be in place for your Mom if that is the case.
My did your MIL move with you originally and what are her care needs? Generally, care needs increase as a person ages so are there any long range plans for where MIL will reside when you can no longer meet her needs? You and hubby need to sit down and have a talk (yes.... I know it is difficult to get time to sit and talk but you need to) - write out the questions and then write out possible answers. Are there other family members (siblings on either side) that should be engaged in this planning?
I wish you peace and tranquility and a lot of luck on this journey but with some hard planning you will come through it as we all do. Hugs

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Oh yes, my husband was diagnosed with a fatal lung disease in 2013. Survival depended on a double lung transplant. After 3 years of stress watching him deteriorate, he received it in 2016 but we had to move near the hospital (4 1/2 hours away) for up to 4 months while he was recuperating. I had to find someone to stay with my mother and our two dogs while we were working through his transplant recovery. My mother lives with me (she is now 91). Last year my brother died unexpectedly. His wife has Alzheimer’s-undiagnosed at that time. She is now in a nursing home and I take care of her needs. I am 3 1/2 hours away. My father died this May leaving his wife with heart conditions behind. I also support her & took many trips down to see them while my father was sick. They live 3 1/2 hours in the opposite direction of my sister-in-law. To complicate the stress, my husband & I loss our oldest son (we have 2) of unknown causes 11 months after my husband’s transplant. I am presently working to get my sister-in-law transitioned to a nursing home near me. Compound all that with COVID-19. And I know we have more challenges in the coming years. On a positive note- I did speak with my primary physician and he offered to provide a referral for a counselor when/if I needed to just talk things through. Maybe that is something you may consider if you need it. And as challenging as my life has been these past few years, I always remember that others are dealing with much worse than I have been through.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Totally! The last week has been an absolute nightmare. 2 elderly adults with Covid-19, one other adult in the house just tested positive plus a 10 year old little girl who we are desperately trying to keep from getting sick.

All of the adults have been vaccinated but Delta variant is brutal.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I get it. My mother was rushed to the hospital with internal bleeding the same HOUR my FIL was rushed to a hospital at the other end of the state with a brain bleed. Fortunately, my last kid was in college, so I didn't have to worry about him, but my husband and I went in separate directions and did what we had to do. My FIL did not survive his brain bleed, however.

These health crisis rollercoasters are going to be a part of your life for a long time, so strap in, get your priorities in line now (kids and husband/wife first, parents safe and cared for but not necessarily by you), and only do what you can.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Quick thought, have someone set up a private Facebook page that is invite only. Post updates on your Dad's condition daily and tell people to check there for info instead of calling you. Or do ONE daily group text with any new info.

And if ANYONE asks if they can help say YES! prepare a list of things you are willing to designate and start handing out assignments. Meals, grocery trips, errands, school pickup, etc. See if someone can sit down with your Mom and sort out what needs done at her house, prepare a schedule etc. She

The world will not end if things aren’t perfect. Focus on what is really important. Gather your village and good luck.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You need to focus on your main responsibilities, your children and husband. Your father is well cared for in the hospital. If you visit him as much as you can, that should be sufficient. But plan for when he is released. He'll need care during his recovery. Consider an assisted living facility or skilled nursing, depending on his condition. If the doctors think he'll get completely better, he can be in a temporary rehab facility. Does your MIL need to be with you? Can she afford to have aides come in to help, so that you can have breaks? Would she consider moving to assisted living? You are taking on too much. Try to find ways to lighten your burden!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You might look for a temporary Care Facility for your patents Your mother may not need an AL herself, but it would provide some help and support while your father needs extra care. It need not be permanent placement.

Keep their home intact and see how well your father recovers. If your he recovers enough and your mother can manage any care he needs, they can return home.

Whether your MIL continues to live in your home depends upon how disruptive her needs are to your family.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Note, make sure the homeowners insurance will cover if the home is unoccupied for a period of time. Especially if you end up making the move to AL permanent and need to sell the home. Mom's insurance was void after we moved her to AL.

(1)

Report

Wow, so much to think about and do. I certainly feel for you. I too look for answers in this area. Parents, in-laws, sister and my own family. It’s a lot. I can tell you that the last 4 years of this has affected my health so very much. It’s hard to take care of you when you must take care of so many others. Believe me when I say you need to take care of yourself!!! It’s hard to find the time, the avenues, the help, but it must be done, for your sake and everyone else’s. I’m still learning this and trying to fight my way back to some sort of place where there is balance.
best wishes and hugs to you!!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

There is no way for one person to handle all of this all on their own. Is it possible for you to stay at your father's home so you don't have to spend $200 a night at a hotel? Is there any other family in town where your father lives? If there are then they may be available so you can go home to your kids. Also, the hospital will keep you up to date on your father's condition.
Next, in a while start looking for an appropriate care facility for your MIL. In the meantime, bring in some outside hired caregivers to help with her. You have kids at home and taking on the care of an elderly is too much for anyone's plate.
Think of this what happens if something happens to you because you're trying to keep all the plates spinning on your own? Everyone will be out of luck then. Go home. Stay in communication with the hospital. Good luck and I hope your father improves.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Excellent advice! Your kids need you first.

(2)

Report

Hello Liz,
I take care of my mom 24/7. I have a brother that has a learning diability. He needs lots of direction. Recently an aide was obtained 5 days per week by his agency and his insurance pays for the services. Assisting with bathing, cleaning his room and laundry and a nurse to do his nightly meds 7 days per week. Family does them in the morning but the meds are already in the med box .This is a major help to us all .I am less stressed. I was having a difficult time keeping up with everything and getting irritated because his room was a mess, I had to bug him to shower and clean his room. Makes all the difference if you can hire some help. Cut down on other expenses if possible.I hope your dad gets better soon. You have a lot on your plate and hope you can get some good help soon.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Liz (((((hugs)))))).

How far a drive is it from your home to the hospital?

Have you asked the hospital if there is any subsidized housing available? Special rates at a nearby hotel? If you have a religious affiliation, call the local parish and find out if they have any ideas.

If none of that works, talk to the hotel management. Years ago, a friend flew to Florida with her husband and 7 year old to adopt a baby. The proceedings, which were supposed to take 5 days, got postponed several times. The manager, who was an adoptee himself, moved them to a larger unit withva kitchen at no extra charge. Ask!!

Your mom is likely focussing on the little stuff so she doesn't have to think about sick dad is!

Are your kids going back to school soon? Can you get a neighbor to double up on school supply shopping or just do an Amazon order for the basics.

Remember to eat, hydrate and breathe. Check in here when you can.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Liz,
When things calm down, can you get some in-home care?

It would need to be paid for by your parents’s funds.

Someone to help with the house chores-maybe a couple of hours a day?

Your family doesn’t need you to be so overwhelmed, that YOU break, as well.

Best wishes.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

When it rains, there’s a hurricane, tornadoes, and sharks everywhere! Anyone else deal with multiple people to care for all at once?

15 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions