Am curious about this. Personally, my health has deteriorated and I believe my Mom will outlive me. However, in case I do live through these caregiving years - have been wondering. Where do I go in the future?
Note: (This is not a financial question, it is a question about bad memories tainting an otherwise nice home.)
Do single caregivers without family normally stay in their houses, or move to get away from all of the bad memories? I am so miserable all of the time, I can't possibly imagine enjoying life here in this house - although I like the area and the neighborhood. And it's a cute little house with a nice floor-plan. Big yard. Nice neighbors. Relaxed and affordable. Low taxes. It would be fun to be able to decorate it properly.
Does it ever magically change? When you're happily alone again - does the house ever feel comfortable, happy? Or will there be these awful memories crowding out my future?
I don't have good memories here. Had recently bought the house & my Mom joined me immediately. So, it's been nothing but drama, worries, illness and pain & my Mom's negativity about everything for the last few years.
Plus a fall that left me permanently physically disabled. I use a Walker now to walk. But, try to do as much as I can around the house and yard.
If we survive, are we ever free? Does moving far away help? Should I start downsizing now with the hope that I'll have freedom some day? I think about moving across the country to a little house in a small town where I could start fresh & enjoy decorating & working in the yard. I have a dog, she'd go with me of course. I have no other family, so can go anywhere.
Please, I hope this does NOT go off topic with discussions about kicking her out, etc. That is not my question.
I'm well aware of how stupid I am. Don't need y'all to tell me that, or try to *help* me with that. Not on this post, at least.
Right now my focus is only on the property inside these 4 walls, bad memories and my possible future happiness.
Am just curious about caregivers being able to be happy again in an environment that has been nothing but sadness for them. Especially if they live alone. Do you have the house blessed? Burn sage and prayer? How do you clear the memories when they are almost all bad? I really do like my little house, just not the memories from within.
It's such an expense/hassle to move, Realtor's fees, moving trucks, etc - I hate to do it if I don't have to. (Assuming I live that long.) Either way - it's a nice distraction to hope there are options in the future.
Thank you in advance for any advice.
mMoving isn’t really good answer when you like the place you purchased.
confined to a hospital bed that was set up in the living room of our rental apt., we had both been living in.
Prior to that we lived in a beautiful condo on the beach that her father had left her.
Unfortunately we had to do a fire sale since she took out a reverse mortgage due to her hoarding of so many warehouses.
As for me since I don't own this place, I can barely wait to move out of here.
The awful memories and all of the stuff I've been having to throw out is a nightmare.
My 2 brother's keep telling me I won't find any cheaper rent anywhere else and of course they don't want me to live in one of there spare rooms of homes they own and I own absolutely nothing now, not even a car.
They never were here for me when I needed them either.
My mom was a fine art major and was a social butterfly involved in so much art and activities until her health started failing 15 yrs ago.
Most of her friends would have never known she had a mental illness.
Like other's posted, take a vacation, remodel your home you own and then if the memories are too much sell and move on with your life.
We all deserve some happiness after all we have been through.
This grieving of my mom's passing is like nothing I could have ever imagined in my life and for all I went through with her I miss her so much.
So live one day at a time and sometimes one hour.
Blessings to all xoxo
dear depression,
your message moved me to tears.
"This grieving of my mom's passing is like nothing I could have ever imagined in my life and for all I went through with her I miss her so much."
hug!!
1 step at a time.
you loved & cared for her so much.
i wish lots of love & care to come your way!!
bundle of joy
Do you run away or live within your memories? Do I vacation and come back to my memories? What do I do?
Where and how can I shed this to actually feel good about myself again?
My husband is 60 and I have just put him in a nursing home because of his disability. He is also deteriorating slowly. I have buried four members of my family and it’s a sickening feeling.
So now what ? Here I am!! I look in the mirror and there is only my reflection.
Feel happy I say to you . I sold my home to move on with my husband to a smaller place, but that didn’t happen. I took care of my sister who passed away and now I am living with my brother-in-law and his autistic niece. My gear is packed and I’m ready to go … but I can’t. I still have to take care of my husband. But I want to go … but where do I go to find some happiness. I wish I had that answer .
I myself live with all the memories and the work and have no time for myself.
The interior of the walls, the inside, the collection of things around you are all the memories. I say to you gather them up and clean out . Make your space . I don’t have one .
You asked a really good questions. I think you have some great responses.
I'll add that good neighbors are golden and are like diamonds.
Can you start clearing out some of your stuff and some of Mom's stuff now? Without making a big deal to Mom?
I like the idea of making a vision board with your ideas for redecorating or what you would like in a new home.
Can you start doing some spruce up now?
My brother in law was dying from glioblastoma and my sister and and brother in law were remodeling the downstairs bathroom while he was dying. It kind of surprised me but the downstairs bathroom came out really nice.
Could you take a vacation somewhere? Just get away for a while? Maybe redecorate, make your home "yours"? Give yourself some time for you.
Being my mom's caregiver is all I've known since I graduated college. She was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years after I graduated and she's still recovering from the treatments years after they ended.
Caregiving has done a lot of damage to my life. I'm almost 30 and I sometimes wonder if my life is over. I don't have a job and I'll be looking for my very first job when freedom finally comes. I'm single and I hope to one day be some woman's husband. I'm never getting my 20s back nor am I getting back moments lost to caregiving.
I hope I can move away someday. There's little in my hometown.
What did I like about the house? I like the way it looks from the outside, I like how it sits on the lot. I love the colors. I love the land, which is home to many pretty birds and little critters. I have a certain amount of privacy, which I enjoy, etc.
Then I compared it to what I didn't like about the house. I didn't like the bad memories. That's it. So I decided to see what I could change, within a reasonable budget, and stick it out for a handful of years, and then thought if I still felt bad at the end of that time, I could move.
First, I got rid of all my ex's things, and gave those to him. Anything that was left that bothered me, I donated to a thrift store or got rid of. Slowly over time, by thrifting, buying here and there, I got some new furnishings and decor that were only mine, and had nothing to do with my past. This did take a great deal of time, but was very much worth it.
To make a long story short, I stayed for several years (6), and during that time, got the house painted, new things here and there, and really started feeling happy. Then I met the love of my life and remarried, and now we are making new happy memories in this house! He just loves the house, and I'm soooo glad I kept it.
Just an example to think about. Let time wash over you. Let your feelings settle. It will take a while. There will be some hard days. But don't make decisions on the really hard days OR the really good days. Look at it year-to-year, look at the whole picture and see how you feel. Then after a group of years, see how you feel about that whole cluster of time. I bet you will see you have changed for the better, and if you like the house to begin with, chances are highly likely you will like it even more later, and will be so glad you stayed. And if you don't feel good, you can move! You and your sweet dog can make new memories. You'll do great! I'm rooting for you!!
I love my town, my house, my yard. But, I did move my folks into MY house.
And on a plus side for my elderly self...the house is already set up with assistive devices.
Moving might give you a fresh perspective, but Bad memories are in your head. That is where they live and as far as I can tell, no matter where you might move to, your head will still be attached.
You can take the time to come to terms with them. maybe some counseling, maybe a martial arts class. Whatever might bring you strength and focus.
I just finished a book that has been collecting dust for awhile. I thought of your post. You may have read it or would enjoy it now. ‘Clock Dance” by Anne Tyler.
I have seen this author recommended and I am glad I finally got to it. It has an inspiring message I think for all caregivers and helps us realize that it might just be time to give some attention to ourselves.
I hope you are having a great day.
Create a vision board where you purge mom’s stuff and the associated negativity. Envision burning that sage, painting the rooms and decorating it to fit your style. In with the new - out with the old (join buy nothing on Facebook).
I wonder if all the angst and negativity from the elderly is a blessing, because the death brings a certain relief to counter from the enormity of grieving.
Then decide that that’s your budget for staying where you are. Start fantasising about how you can spend it to make your current place nicer, different, and the place where you want to be. Don’t forget to include a ‘welcome to my new (ish) home’ party for the neighbors who you are so lucky to keep!
Seems like overall the neighborhood and neighbors are good for you, a very hard combo to find anywhere. "Location, location, location"......
I understand where you are coming from perfectly! Although I did not live in the same home as my mom I did live in a place five minutes from where she lived before she went into nursing care. Every street, every corner, the mall, the coffee shops, the park nearby, all have deep memories for me. The times mom and I went for coffee or lunch at the mall, our walks in the park etc. I saw them every time I left my place. Good memories and sad ones.
For me moving (just to a nearby suburb) helped a lot. It's close but not too close. If I have to go back to the old neighborhood for any reason I am overcome with sadness. In my case the sadness comes not from bad memories so much but just memories of better days when my mom was healthy and the bond we shared.
I know I never want to even enter the hospital where my mom took her last breaths. That I hope to never do again. Fortunately I have a different hospital close to where I am now living.
But this is a personal decision that you need to weigh carefully. Perhaps you could go neighborhood exploring. Get a feel of whats out there. Maybe you don't need to pick up and go far away.
Memories can be dealt with this way:
Go thrifting & buy 2 suitcases that need love; old & beat up, like you'll be feeling after all the caregiving is finished. Collect seashells which you love and which bring you joy; either go to the beach to do that, if you live near the shore, or buy them. Cover one of the old suitcases with seashells; glue them on there with a hot glue gun and make the case look lovely & decorative. After mom dies, put all of the positive memories you have of her in there, along with photos & cards/mementos you've collected over the years, her memorial card/funeral card, her favorite items of clothing/jewelry, her wedding photo, etc. That will be your happy memory box to hold onto.
The other suitcase which is old and battered, leave it that way. Fill it with all the bad memories you have of the hard times with mom; the negativity, the hurt feelings, the bad times, the hospital stays, the events where you felt 'stupid' and guilty over things that were said or done, ALL OF IT. Pack up all of those negative memories & baggage into that suitcase and go out into the garden and burn the whole thing up. Let go of everything that way as you watch it smolder and burn. It'll be a good symbol of letting go of the negativity of the past.
Afterward, go in the house and start renovations. Knock it all down to the rafters and rebuild the entire thing, as you're going to rebuild your LIFE/ fresh & clean. Start over. Use the money you would have spent in closing costs, movers, realtor fees, packing materials, and do a renovation. Or as much of a renovation as you can afford with all new and shiny things. Keep only the seashell covered suitcase as a reminder of the positive memories of your old life and of your mother. The rest is all gone, and replaced with new & fresh items to represent the new YOU. Your newly remodeled/redecorated house will be a place to create NEW memories as you wish and see fit! That will be fun, I think!
I think there will always be options for your future when you keep an open mind and a positive outlook. Your caregiving days are numbered; mom won't be here forever. I really thought my mother would live to 100, but she wound up dying all of a sudden, when I least expected it. Everyone kept telling me that would likely happen, but I didn't believe it. I should have b/c it's true.
Keep your head up and your eyes toward the future. Wishing you the very best of luck.
And even if you outlive mom if she lives to 90 or even 100 you are already disabled so you will probably be living in a nursing home when she finally dies. I would prepare for that reality over the fantasy of starting a life in your seventies or eighties.
I just want to reply about the negative feelings regarding the house. My sister and I grew up in a negative toxic family and I especially disliked our home because of these memories. When we had to sell it - we stripped out all the old carpets and repainted the entire interior all the rooms. We uncovered the original beautiful oak floors and redid them. Painted a pretty neutral color on the walls and it was amazing how different this house looked with new paint and those wood floors. Looking back at these changes I could see how lovely this older home really was.
So I agree with the other comments to get rid of old furnishings and refresh the interior. You may be in for a very positive and pleasant surprise for your efforts.
I open the doors and/or windows every day, no matter the temperature, blow out the old, blow in the new!
Change what you can today and let the rest come as it may!
((((Hugs))))
Please take care of yourself... when you can... (I'm trying also... )
hugs...