I take care of my Mum and Auntie with advanced dementia. My cousin and I are content with once-a-week call and once a year visit, his wife thinks he should come the 3000 miles more often before she forgets him. Auntie can't remember me and I am here every night and day. They are both welcome to come any time, I just see Auntie get wild and sometimes violent for a couple weeks afterwards because she thinks he is her husband (passed) and he has left her for another woman.
When someone has Dementia, they go back in time. If your cousin resembles his Dad, his Mom could think its her husband when he was younger. You need to allow her to think that way. I would work around that. He and SIL should show no affection for each other. She is your friend. When they leave, it shouldn't be together. The SIL can leave first saying good bye to u and nice meeting cousin. Wait a little bit, and then your cousin leaves saying he needs to go. No mention of home, this may start something else. My daughter always told my Mom she was going to work.
With Dementia you need to be inventive. Play along with Aunt, don't argue. Little white lies.
Do you have POA for Aunt? There will come a time when she will need more care than u can give.
:)
this message below, is just a general message, with general thoughts about getting older...
it's really unfortunate that when we reach old age (of course, one can get sick/have problems, when young too), there are often many challenges/illnesses/problems.
it's really not easy, becoming elderly.
but that's how our bodies are made.
there are so many people on this website facing very difficult situations.
:)
my father's always saying, "let's also celebrate all the things that are going RIGHT."
he's incredibly positive; always happy no matter what's going on (he had several emergencies; i saved him every time)...
i suppose ill-health should all make us appreciate of good health.
something positive has to come out of all this suffering/hard times.
---
i suppose our attitude when we get elderly has a lot to do with luck (some people have far less health problems/problems in general, so of course it's easier to be happy)...
...and also with how you lived your life. the love you gave, etc...to your family, friends, the community, the world, yourself!
:)
...a life well-lived...
...and that continues to be well-lived...
wishing us all well!!
bundle of joy :)
Make sure CIL knows you are not angry--just let her know Auntie kind of freaks out when they leave from their visits and you take the brunt of the behavior.
It sounds like the time in which she could remember him has passed a while ago.
It also probably causes her true grief at thinking she's been abandoned.
I am guessing that that also effects how you care for her and it can become a danger for you if she is violent.
There are medications that can help with anxiety but if this is the only time she gets upset I would cut out the visit rather than have her take a medication and be "drugged" for the visit.
I am sure his wife has no idea, no clue what it is like to take care of a person with dementia that is agitated.
If it is HER that upsets Auntie then she can stay at home if she wants her husband to visit more often.
You can tell them to visit but they cannot go in together as a couple. Your cousin's wife goes by herself and then later, your cousin visits.....Just let them know that if your Auntie continues to get wildly upset even with separated visitation, then it is best to tell them to call only and not visit her.
Once a year to visit your mom in poor health(if you've had a healthy relationship all along)is not nearly enough, so let your cousin come as often as he sees fit.
But it's really up to him. If he's been happy with the once a year visit, I can only guess that his relationship with his mom is not all that great, and that's all he can handle, so perhaps his wife needs to just stay out of it.
The aunt is so out of it with dementia that she thinks her son is her husband so when he goes home Mimsy1 (the poster) is as Midkid58 rightly describes, left in a hot mess.
This visit then sets the aunt back by several weeks and people sometimes don't understand how serious even the smallest setback can be for someone with any kind of dementia.
On my last long-term homecare case I worked for a woman with LBD. It was advanced and she was totally bedbound invalid. She lived with her husband who suddenly became ill and died. I asked that anyone visiting please not come offering their condolences. Every time she heard someone saying how they were sorry for her loss, she was hearing it for the first time. She would freak out and get hysterical. Then she would lose even the smallest independences she still possessed for days at a time. Like being able to pick up food to feed herself and the ability to swallow pills. Part of the setback was also a fixation of getting into her diaper and removing the contents. All of this only happened when someone would mention her husband and she'd get hysterical.
Sometimes it's best to not do things that will cause such setbacks.
If the cousin visiting causes such setback for his mother, then he shouldn't do it. Think about the poor caregiver who has to deal with the setbacks he will be causing.
The cousin's wife sounds like a nice and kind person. It also sounds good in theory for her husband to visit his mother more often before she's gone.
This being said the cousin's wife should come and stay for a month after his visit with mother so she can personally care for her. Mimsy1 already has the unholy burden of caring for two elders with advanced dementia at home. She doesn't need the trouble of dealing with the care complications that arise for weeks at a time after her aunt sees her son.
Once a year to visit your mom in poor health(if you've had a healthy relationship all along)is not nearly enough, so let your cousin come as often as he sees fit.
But it's really up to him. If he's been happy with the once a year visit, I can only guess that his relationship with his mom is not all that great, and that's all he can handle, so perhaps his wife needs to just stay out of it.
Also let him know that she doesn't even recognize you.
BUT, it should be his choice and visiting once a year seems ok to me.
Maybe it's just too much stimulation once he's arrived.
Maybe he should just visit a few minutes at a time so her schedule doesn't change snd she doesn't get overly excited.
A week before his yearly visit, you should try all the time about his soon arrival.
You don't need to say anything about her husband being dead as she doesn't need to experience his death over again or try to comprehend his death.
Juse tell her this is her son, not her husband.
Bring out pictures of her son growing up.
Also, the son seeing his mom may be good for him so he doesn't have any regrets when she's gone.
Prayers
You are also suffering from these visits. Bless you and have confidence that you can say what you need to. You are in charge.
This woman should consider herself very lucky because she and her husband did not have to take the responsibility for his elderly demented mother.
His saint of a cousin takes that burden on. There should be nothing but praise for her. This cousin and his well-meaning wife dodged the bullet here and should be grateful.
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