Where is that man that I was married to for 60 yrs? Anyone else missing there husband?

Is anybody trying coconut oil? There is a really big movement toward that with reversal of Alzheimer's. 3 tablespoons full daily. I'm putting it in instant cooked pudding for my mother who has no dementia diagnosis, but thinks I'm her sister or my daughter as much of the time as she recognizes me as her daughter.. Just started so I don't know how it will work out.

My heart goes out to you, Grandmama215. We had been married 29 years when my husband, Coy, began disappearing, in his mid 70s. We went through the dementia journey together for the next then years. Each journey is unique, but there are enough similarities that some of my observations may apply in your situation. Many won't. You get to decide which is which. :)

1) Where did your husband go? He is still in there. Every now and then I'll bet his true personality peeks through. Cherish those moments. Try to arrange your interactions to maximize the frequency with which this happens.

2) Dementia is a terminal illness. Your dear life partner and soul mate is dying. This is very, very sad. I experienced mourning as the journey progressed. There is one loss after another. And yet he is still there, and still needs care, and still feels love. I found it helpful to recognize the "ambiguous loss" and to give myself permission to mourn. Not every day all day, but consciously for a limited time after each major loss.

3) While for 29 years together we'd worked toward a "perfect" relationship, an "ideal" partnership (knowing we couldn't achieve it, but working toward it), suddenly I had to hope for a "good enough" relationship. From having an equal partner I had to face having a dependent. The change in the nature of the relationship was for me the most profound change in my life.

4) I considered it my mission to enable the best quality of life Coy could have under the circumstances. For us it was about quality, not quantity. Once I accepted that he had a terminal disease it was a little easier not to worry about every detail. Yes, good nutrition was a good goal, but enjoying his day was a more important goal, in my mind. We never argued about what he ate. Both his geriatrician and his dementia specialist encouraged him to eat what he liked. No more "heart-healthy diet" even no more "diabetic friendly" eating. If he only felt like mashed potatoes, that is what he had. I might add a little cheddar cheese to them for a bit extra protein, but he had what he wanted. He drenched everything with hot sauce -- at least he could taste it that way. He had a lot of milk shakes: Ice cream, milk, a packet of Carnation Breakfast powder, peanut butter, and a banana was popular. Yes, I tried hard to supply nutrition, but not at the cost of unhappy meal times.

5) I would not threaten Coy with an angry doctor. I would not try to make him feel guilty or naughty. For one thing, with reasoning power quickly diminishing, the message deteriorates to "she is mad at me" or "she thinks I am bad" and that is not what I wanted in Coy's mind. And threatening just plain didn't work. It made him denfensive and encouraged an "I'll show them" resistance.

6) I couldn't do all the caring alone. Looking back I don't think I got enough help soon enough, but at least I didn't try to play martyr. For us, adult daycare was extremely useful. Our children staying with Coy while I went out was good. And having a personal care attendant made a huge difference in what I could cope with. I also had the support of an excellent dementia specialist who worked pharmaceutical magic to help control distressing symptoms. I assume you are older than I was when I started. Caregivers HAVE to recognize our own limitations and respect them. I promised Coy that I would never abandon him, and I assured him that if I couldn't take care of him at home I would do my best to find a very caring place, I would advocate for him, and I would spend time with him often.

Grandmama215, I hope you can make eating together a pleasant experience once again. You both deserve some happiness in your days.

sounds like diabetes to me

Grandmama215, with any type of serious illness the patient is faced with a *new* normal life which won't be identical with the life they had the previous year. Everyone in the family will need to notice this and accept it, as difficult and sad as it will be.

If hubby isn't hungry, trying to get him to eat will only create daily arguments, as his *new normal life* is telling him he isn't hungry. His sense of taste is also disappearing, but he can still taste sugary items. If he likes mash potatoes, give him couple of helpings on his plate. If he likes pies, that is good as he will be getting fruit. Experiment is sweeter items. At least he is eating. Buy some Ensure, he may like that.

I see you live in Hallwood, Va,.... probably an one or two intersection town... I assume hardly any traffic in you area and your hubby can safety get from point A to point B, for now. How safe is his driving?

Monday morning you call your attorney and you also call the kids for help. You are going to need a Guardian for him, sometimes it is better to have an adult child take this responsibility. Your attorney can advise you how to protect your assets and get a Health Care Proxy for his care.
If he is not hungry, that is OK. If he just ate the potatoes, that is OK. If he is constantly craving sweets, have his sugar levels checked by the MD.
As far as driving, Virginia requires him to self-report any mental impairment. His MD can refer him for a driver evaluation by the VA DMV and that is for the safety of you, him and everyone else. So sorry you have to do all this.