Before hospitilization my Mom was independant and living on her own. She fell and had alot of complications from the fall including rhabdomyolysis.She had COPD before going to hospital but wasn't on oxygen. Once stabilized she was on varies levels of oxygen. When she was released to rehab she was on 5 liters. She got phenomena while in rehab was rushed to the emergency room where she was put on a ventilator in the ICU. She was exintubated after 6 days and was on 8 litres of oxygen. With in 24 hours she was on a high flow machine for several days. They transferred her to IMCU and changed her oxygen and she was able to go to 10 litres at times but then at night have to go on high flow and then stayed on high flow. Dr wanted her to do bipap in ICU and IMCU at night she couldn't handle it, she tried hard. On the day we decided her,me and my husband into comfort care the DR had called me and said he couldn't do anymore for her unless she went on bipap which she tried and then ripped off. She was very coherent. She had a DNR but was willing to do it again if that made her better. When she went in comfort care it went very quickly. She died the next morning. My issue is the DR, palliative care and everyone else rarely had a meeting with us. it was always done in the room at their convenience. I didn't want my Mom to suffer any more. Drs were telling me that she probably won't come off the bipap or ventilator She had full right lung phenomena at 80 years old with COPD. She had been in bed for 2 months. I felt the medical industry made me feel like if I didn't get her into comfort care she would die a horrible death. Palliative care was confusing, absent and vague. We have this tremendous guilt that we rushed into comfort care. We didn't realize it would go that quickly even though the nurses told us she wouldn't last through the night. No DR ever came in during comfort care. How do I live with guilt and who do I talk to about what transpired. Did we kill my Mom when she had a chance? Should she had gone on the ventilator to give her a chance? Drs left us with no answers. I feel like we were tricked into comfort care.
Once pneumonia sets in to such diseased lungs, combined with old age, there's no coming back from that. Thank God she didn't linger while suffereing.
My condolences on your loss. Grief counseling can help you put things into perspective. Best of luck to you.
The nurses told you that she wouldn't make it through the night and she didn't. So rest in the knowledge that your mom doesn't have to suffer any more and that she is now at peace.
You did what was best for your suffering mom and there is nothing wrong with that. You honored her wishes.
So please seek out some grief counseling. If your mom was under hospice care at the end they offer for free 13 moths of grief counseling. Also there is a grief support group called Grief Share that is free and is usually held at some of your local churches, so you can look into both those options.
God bless you.
People have a very hard time accepting death. Someone can like your mom be very ill, acutely and chronically with age related issues, COPD, falls, and etc, BUT we still are a very primitive animal. We do not want to accept that death does happen, will happen, and even don't accept it when it is very clear (as in your mother's case, that there is no cure, and nothing can be done.
So, rather than be left to have to walk into that valley of the shadow we choose ways to avoid it and the most typical way is blame. Usually it is the doctors, nurses, care facilities that get the blame. That is most typical.
However, sometimes we skip them and bring blame to our loved ones themSELVES. We say such things as:
"She continued to smoke even with awful lungs; she wouldn't take care of herself; she chose to leave me rather than take care of herself".
When we cannot blame the care system, cannot blame the victims of aging themselves, then we often turn the blame on OURSELVES and assume guillt, which is inappropriate as guilt requires that we did something awful to cause all this and did it out of evil intent.
As long as we can ruminate and marinate in this stew of BLAME we avoid grief. We can remain ANGRY. And anger is so much easier than grief. Grief is so final. We avoid it at all cost.
So that is what the studies say. And do know that there is now a diagnosed disorder called "complicated grieving" in the DSM-5 manual so that you can get insurance coverage for a good cognitive therapist to keep you from self harming while you heal from this painful loss.
I am so very sorry for your grief. I hope it will soon turn to healing thoughts and memories of a good life, a full life, a life with love in it that should be celebrated and by living your BEST LIFE, the one mom would want you to have.
I am 83. I know I will leave my daughter soon. She knows it as well. We speak of it. We even laugh about it. And I can tell you it will break my heart to pieces to see her do harm to herself over my loss.
Your mom won't ever be gone from you. At 83, mine sure isn't gone from me!
Just a small PS. You said "Why do I feel I killed my mom". This isn't healthy self-talk. It is, again, self harming. The words we use to ourselves are very strong. They form pathways of habit. They have great power over us. Much of cognitive therapy is a way to cure that "self-chatter that is negative" that we run through our brains like a rusty locomotive on a deteriorated track. It isn't health to use words as a bludgeon to others or to ourselves..You basically are asking "why do I feel responsible." Using that correct word can tell you that there is no way on earth for a loving daughter to be responsible for the death of her very ill mother.
This is called grief. You are grieving. Please remember to hydrate yourself during this time. Hugs.
A fall is often the end for elderly folks. From what you have written, I gather that she would probably never have been able to live independently again. Please accept that it was her time to go, and that you did what mom wanted - you made sure she had no more suffering. You didn't kill anyone. She died because she couldn't get better. It will happen to all of us sooner or later.
Please avail yourself of the grief counseling that will be made available to you through her end-of-life hospice company. I wish you peace as you learn to process what has happened, and remember, it was her time.
In my grieving process when I lost my beloved brother I often wrote him in a journal. Just talked to him. About missing him, about what I saw, about what made me think of him, about things I worried I got wrong, about things we got right together. I decorated it with paper and paste and collage cutouts. I think I did that about a year. It sooooo helped me. Sometimes just a picture and a memory. It brought me close into the man I so missed. It's just an idea, maybe not for you. Maybe for you, a long walk, talking to your mom. Maybe just the Serenity Prayer here and there.
I surely do wish you the best.
What might make you feel better is to do a quick search on what doctors themselves choose to do at end of life. You will find out that they want to avoid ventilators and heroic measures. They don't ever really bring an elder back in good shape, or to a life that can be enjoyed.
CPR is one good example that a lot of drs refuse to have done when they are elderly. Why? Well, the chances that CPR brings back a loved one who is elderly are slim to none. But what is nearly guaranteed is that the elderly person will die with broken ribs, which are very painful. I've had broken ribs before, and it was awful. You should really see if there is a way to observe this happening in real life, not on TV, because it is incredibly violent and it hurts to have it done, or like on YouTube or something. It's not gentle and easy. If it would bring them back to a decent state that would be one thing but it usually won't. They will die anyway with broken ribs in terrible pain.
I think you are sad that your mom died and that is ok. It sounds like many things were tried but even drs said that she would not make it. You didn't "kill' your mom. It is normal to think this way after you lose someone. I really think you should try some counseling, as it will be very helpful. Reading through this forum will also be helpful, where you will read many many stories very much like yours. You will come to see that this is just what happens at the end of life, and there is not much we can do to stop any of it.
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