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Sounds like you and your mother live together (regardless whose house it is). I too live with my 88-yr-old mom but she is very physically capable and, although I try to do everything, she wants to share the chores. She insists on doing the dishes after I cook dinner and she makes her own breakfast, washes her own clothes, and changes her own bed sheets.
I wish she WOULD let me do everything because the "downside" for me is that she uses too much water when she does the dishes (we live in FL where water is expensive) and she's noisy with everything she touches from bags to dishes.
I do understand your situation but just thought I would offer another side of "living with mom" which may not ever be perfect.
My 75yr.-old mother is the same way. I live with her, and I hate it. I only live here. Because I would be homeless otherwise. I am on disability. She has arthritis in her hands. I have three (physical)brain 'issues'. Which I have had all my life. I tried working. But I was summarily accused of not being fast enough. I have short-term memory issues that my previous employer was not accepting of, either.
The point of my telling you about myself. Is to point out how much harder the same situation is on me.
She will ask me to do something. Then she complains how I do it. If I have a list of things I need to do. She used to assume I would do what she wanted, first.
But she will ask the same things of my younger(Ph.D.) brother, and not kibitz or complain about how he did what she asked.
She also treats me like I am incapable of doing anything because of physical disabilities. I can still do heavy-lifting.
The only thing she has done by someone else is. She has a maid come in. Not because of me. but because of her own disorganization.
The reason why mothers are critical and demanding of their children is because they can't do what they are demanding to be done their own selves. This makes them feel dependent and ineffective. Dependence brings contempt and resentment; remember your teen-aged years?. After 'raising' my 92 year old mother in law and my 81 year old (even more demanding) mother, I am vowing that I will not be irrationally demanding in my old age. Who knows? Maybe I will get lucky and die before I reach that level of frustration.
Blooop, living with a parent during adulthood is difficult, even more so when the parent has Alzheimer's, because they have a tendency to treat you like a child, usually from a critical parent perspective. Add to that the memory loss that makes her forget you already did this, that and the other, or that you are working and getting older and don't have the same energy you used to have, and it makes for an unhappy living situation.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
Dear Bloop, Has your mother always had this bossy side or is it a new behavior? If it is generally new and getting worse she could have a form of dementia. People with dementia loose their social "filter" of how to be polite and can become increasingly judgmental.It would be interesting for us to know if these things she is asking you to do are things she could do herself if she wanted to or things that are not possible for her to do.
My mother would start screaming for me to get her something. This went on all day (when I was here) and night. I think she just wanted attention, she stayed in bed all the time. I would try to sit and talk with her as much as I could.
My mother is 77 with diabetes and high cholesterol and high blood pressure and I too live with her. I have the opposite problem, my mom is capable of doing more and needs to do more to stay alive but chooses to use me as her maid bc everything gives her a hard time. Shaky hands, no control on gripping things and can't stand long. She gets so frustrated with herself and than has tantrums. I guess dimentia has taking her independence away,
Blooop, Sorry to hear your mother acts this this way toward you. I don't treat the maid how your mother treats you. It's possible that sometimes she thinks you're someone else. I know a man whose wife with Alzheimer's believes their home is an assisted living place and he is hired help.
Im getting scared wondering if I could turn into a monster in my 70s like my mom. She Doesn't do ANYTHING for herself ( except her 3 min bath once a week ) She rolls her laundry down the steps for me to wash , I cook dinner EVERY day and she complains to everybody that I cook to much processed foods ( but for 50 years her dinner was BEER ) she wont do ANYTHING for herself ( without being told ). She thinks its HALARIOUS to tell people shes my toddler now. My toddlers did more for themselves than she does ( TRUE STORY ) She is physically and mentally capable of doing anything she wanted but chooses to do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING. ( unless it involves doctors or her meds then shes all over it, but Im still the one who has to take her ) she admitted she hadn't cleaned her floor 1 time in the whole 2 years she has lived in my attic. she just watches tv all day and calls people to complain. Shes made our lives pure hell, and its pure laziness mixed with pure narcissism. I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.
1 golf lady -- I'm sorry for you, and hope your mother doesn't have access to beer or other alcoholic drinks. Since your mother enjoys her doctor visits, perhaps you can ask her doctor to "prescribe" a daily housekeeping routine for her to carry out in her space. You will not turn into a monster in your 70s. I'm almost 85, and have been careful not to repeat my mother's behavior of standing in the middle of the living room saying, "I don't know where to begin (household routines.)" And that was decades before my mother had Alzheimer's.
arianne777 no she does not have access to alcohol. I hated her when she was drunk and I would draw the line in the sand if she started drinking anything with alcohol. Love your Idea about the dr prescribing her a housekeeping routine. She tells everybody else how much she misses doing housework but has actually told me ( while watching me push a broom ) how much she ENJOYS watching other people work.. But meanwhile shes going to start wasting away because she is so lazy. Use it or lose it is TRUE !! Shes on a list for a low income senior apartment ( has been on it for a YEAR... god help me ) but when she gets her own place again shes going to get a crash course in life.
I believe your mother treats you like a maid because it allows her to deny to herself that she's needy and dependent. This way she can feel powerful and in charge, whereas if she had to ask you nicely or acknowledge that you have a choice about helping her, she would have to accept that she's dependent on your help and can't do it for herself. That's scary and unacceptable to a lot of elderly.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
It may sound strange, but I have the opposite problem. I clean the kitchen and bathrooms every week and do some other light cleaning. My mother will say, "That doesn't need to be done," and get a bit upset that I'm doing something in the house. It is her house, so it may be territoriality. Or it may be guilt because she is watching TV while I work.
My standard answer is "Yes, it doesn't need cleaning because I try to keep it clean." She doesn't grasp that concept. She has been a very casual housekeeper (AKA lazy) during her lifetime. She thought the best solution to house work was a can of Raid, instead of cleaning. Bless her heart. Can't say I blame her, because I hate cleaning, too.
My mom lived with us for 4 years and her behavior towards me was just like what you are describing. She is in an assisted living home now and she treats me the exact same way when I visit her. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Was she always so demanding? When I said something to my mom about her behavior, she couldn't see what I was talking about. Have you tried discussing this with her or even ignoring her?
I WAS my mother's maid for a long time before stepping away from the job. She never appreciated what I did, because she LIKES the mess and disorder. I tried and tried to make her small living space more efficient and more 'open' for her so she could move around. All I got was back-door criticism. She can live in filth now, for all I care. She is incapable of doing anything other than folding her bedclothes back into place and doing dishes. She cannot "clean" in any sense of the word, now.
My niece is supposed to be cleaning for her, and has had that task for years. She never did it, so I did. Now she doesn't know HOW and the place is really a mess. Dust so thick you can choke on it, also she has birds and the feathers and dust from them is everywhere. All the plants are dead. The floor is sticky and covered in crumbs. When mother sent me packing, a few months ago, I knew exactly what would happen. And it has. I'm not happy about it, but she doesn't seem to care. The place isn't unhealthy, it's just a mess.
Living in the family home, all 6 of us had household chores all our lives. Mother actually did very little. She always had a maid, growing up, and wanted one when we were young. She has money for a cleaning lady, if she wanted, but she doesn't. Besides, you cannot "clean" a hoarder's home. If I go visit her now, I wear my jacket the whole time to indicate this isn't a "long" visit" and try not to look at the dust, mess and garbage piling up.
My answer? Your mom treats you like a maid because she can. Don't let her. Best advice I got from recent therapy. Just. Quit. Hard to do, but effective.
I was just going to send the same message...your mother treats you like a maid because you let her. If she has any type of financial resource use them..even once a month to clean the bath rooms. If you are living with her and has no there choice set some boundaries for yourself and for her. So easy for us to say, so hard for us to do. Whatever your decision feel positive that you are offering some support and do not waste much energy on feeling guilty( if she has the ability to do so). Seek any type of local support group that might be sponsored through the area on aging, community center. Sitting day after day , subjecting oneself to the same uncomfortable situation , will play on your health also.
My father has dementia and is continuously turning things over in his mind that need to be done. Sometimes it comes out as things he is telling me to do, when he really means it as things he is afraid he might forget. I have to keep reminding myself that every day is Ground Hog Day for him. So I reassure him that I have it under control and everything will get taken care of. Or I give him a way to participate so he can have some control in it getting done. On the other hand, his visiting caregiver unplugged the toilet yesterday and he feels that she is a miracle worker and he needs to do something special for her, even while I have unplugged that toilet numerous times (which he has forgotten). You always take for granted the person who is there for you the most.
And yes, my father has someone come in every three weeks to clean up his apartment, thank heaven. He likes her cheerful disposition and hasn't a clue what she does. It's money well-spent.
If mom treated the caregiver or cleaning lady the way you describe, they would quit. I am extra polite to them because I never want to offend them. Our moms are comfortable with us and we are familiar. Limit contact when she mistreats you. I make myself real scarce sometimes. Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.
I am an only child and have a very controlling and domineering 89 year old mother. She has always been this way. Thank goodness I do not live with her. I am still working with a counselor on several challenging issues, but I have learned one thing--not to permit her to talk to me like I am her slave. I am not rude; just firm; i.e., "I need you to speak to me respectfully." Maybe you need to tell her you will be going out for awhile and hope that she can be more appropriate and appreciative when you return. Don't jump when she demands you must do something. You do not deserve this treatment but the only one that can change it is you--I am learning that the hard way. It is the toughest work I have ever done. Stand up to her--you can be respectful and nice when you do it, but don't take that kind of verbal abuse anymore. I hope this helps--please let us know how things are going.
The accounts posted here about how parents with dementia sometimes treat their adult children makes me grateful that for most of the 12 years my father cared for my mother with dementia, he never told me how she treated him. We lived far from each other and I was busy raising rebellious teenagers at the time. The only thing he confided to me was that one time, my sweet, tiny, frail mother pulled a knife on him.
This morning. Right after I locked the bathroom door(my mother would have come in, if I hadn't done that), in order to use the bathroom, not even take a shower yet. She suddenly says through the bathroom door:
Mother: "I need to do something" Me: "WHY!!!" Mother: "To take a measurement" Me: "I am going the bathroom!!!" Mother: "Thank you for your patience"(sarcasm)
She doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
Her father had a justification for being ornery before he died at 63, a month before my 9th(1976) and his 64th birthday. He was ill with Alzheimers. He would yell for the police, and my younger brother n' I would come running in his room dressed like the ;local police.
My mother doesn't have Alzheimers. I have actually talked to her before, about this problem of suddenly needing something in the bathroom when I am about to use the bathroom. She doesn't do it to my brother, or sister-in-law, or their kids. When they are in from the West Coast. She doesn't do it to my father or step-mother when they come over(they live locally), or my sister-in-laws parents'(they also live locally). She just does it to me.
Tell her to stop her annoying and unneeded talk! Set down YOUR rules and don't do anything she can do herself, don't enable her rudeness by not telling her what she is doing and acting towards you. Stop being her child, remember you are responsible, kind adult. You deserve more from life than what you are doing, please take good care of yourself first.
Chris56, were you able to work out the problem she has with this? Did you get a resolution you both could live with? Did she say why she does this? Is she afraid or just annoying, she sounds like a toddler who gets worried Mom isn't coming back, mom has disappeared, and I don't know and need reassurance she is coming back to be with me, could this be her issue?
Here is another look at the situation. An adult living with a parent should be keepng up their chores without being asked, or reminded. This causes distress to the elderly person. There may be a difference in expectations going on.
If an adult child is also disabled and cannot meet the parent's needs, but this overload is still expected, then bringing in help is necessary. Start with housekeeping help. imop.
How your mother treats you is her issue. Don't stand for it, no one needs abuse. Walk away. One could always respond, "I cannot possibly do that".
Now, go take a look in the mirror, are you sure you are standing up straight, smiling, like a self-respecting adult? Good luck to you!
Well, all of the explanations here are helpful and make sense.
But I can dd this: you don't need to become a slave. I have found it helpful with my other 90 and my husband 82 to tell them that I will take care of it, look into it, put it on the schedule, etc.
Once they know that they have been heard, that I am aware of it, that it will be taken care of, they are fine. I don't need to execute orders on a dime.
Also,it is really helping me to not take things so seriously. So this behavior is crazy making. So what? Just record it in your joke book and laugh it off.
Arianne, oh, the poor guy. But, if I may say, all the more reason for a bit of humor in the whole situation.
If you read a list of Alzheimer's symptoms, you'll see "lack of empathy" on the list. This includes having an inability to see things from anyone else's perspective. The Alzheimer's patient will become totally self centered. If she needs something, she'll see no reason why you shouldn't provide it. If she wants a drink of water, she'll just say "give it to me". No please and thank you. No consideration if you are busy. Just do it. If this person wants some cola from the grocery store, they'll call and order you to go get it. The fact that it's the middle of the night, and you were asleep when they called has no meaning for them. They CANNOT see it from your point of view; only their own. If they want something, then their having that something is the only thing that is wanted. By anyone. In their minds you, and everyone else in the world wants her to have what she wants, now. Empathy is required for a person to factor in the needs, desires and abilities, and most importantly, feelings of others. When empathy is gone you become a mere "thing" to that Alzheimer's person. A thing has no needs, desires, or feelings. And that is how they treat you. ...What to do about it, I don't know. Knowing this helped me understand how my sweet, kind and caring father turned into a self centered, inconsiderate, demanding and thankless dictator. But that doesn't help deal with the situation when you have to put up with it for years and years. I was never able to get him to realize that he was not the center of the universe; and it never got easier.
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II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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What are your mom's physical limitations/disabilities? Is she unable to do things for herself?
How long has this been going on?
If you can elaborate a little more it might help you get more detailed responses.
I wish she WOULD let me do everything because the "downside" for me is that she uses too much water when she does the dishes (we live in FL where water is expensive) and she's noisy with everything she touches from bags to dishes.
I do understand your situation but just thought I would offer another side of "living with mom" which may not ever be perfect.
Best Wishes, Sharon
The point of my telling you about myself. Is to point out how much harder the same situation is on me.
She will ask me to do something. Then she complains how I do it. If I have a list of things I need to do. She used to assume I would do what she wanted, first.
But she will ask the same things of my younger(Ph.D.) brother, and not kibitz or complain about how he did what she asked.
She also treats me like I am incapable of doing anything because of physical disabilities. I can still do heavy-lifting.
The only thing she has done by someone else is. She has a maid come in. Not because of me. but because of her own disorganization.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
Has your mother always had this bossy side or is it a new behavior? If it is generally new and getting worse she could have a form of dementia. People with dementia loose their social "filter" of how to be polite and can become increasingly judgmental.It would be interesting for us to know if these things she is asking you to do are things she could do herself if she wanted to or things that are not possible for her to do.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
I hope this helps in your situation.
My standard answer is "Yes, it doesn't need cleaning because I try to keep it clean." She doesn't grasp that concept. She has been a very casual housekeeper (AKA lazy) during her lifetime. She thought the best solution to house work was a can of Raid, instead of cleaning. Bless her heart. Can't say I blame her, because I hate cleaning, too.
My niece is supposed to be cleaning for her, and has had that task for years. She never did it, so I did. Now she doesn't know HOW and the place is really a mess. Dust so thick you can choke on it, also she has birds and the feathers and dust from them is everywhere. All the plants are dead. The floor is sticky and covered in crumbs. When mother sent me packing, a few months ago, I knew exactly what would happen. And it has. I'm not happy about it, but she doesn't seem to care. The place isn't unhealthy, it's just a mess.
Living in the family home, all 6 of us had household chores all our lives. Mother actually did very little. She always had a maid, growing up, and wanted one when we were young. She has money for a cleaning lady, if she wanted, but she doesn't. Besides, you cannot "clean" a hoarder's home. If I go visit her now, I wear my jacket the whole time to indicate this isn't a "long" visit" and try not to look at the dust, mess and garbage piling up.
My answer? Your mom treats you like a maid because she can. Don't let her. Best advice I got from recent therapy. Just. Quit. Hard to do, but effective.
or cleaning lady the way you describe,
they would quit.
I am extra polite to them
because I never want to offend them. Our moms
are comfortable with us and we are familiar.
Limit contact when she mistreats you.
I make myself real scarce sometimes.
Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.
Mother: "I need to do something"
Me: "WHY!!!"
Mother: "To take a measurement"
Me: "I am going the bathroom!!!"
Mother: "Thank you for your patience"(sarcasm)
She doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
Her father had a justification for being ornery before he died at 63, a month before my 9th(1976) and his 64th birthday. He was ill with Alzheimers. He would yell for the police, and my younger brother n' I would come running in his room dressed like the ;local police.
My mother doesn't have Alzheimers. I have actually talked to her before, about this problem of suddenly needing something in the bathroom when I am about to use the bathroom. She doesn't do it to my brother, or sister-in-law, or their kids. When they are in from the West Coast. She doesn't do it to my father or step-mother when they come over(they live locally), or my sister-in-laws parents'(they also live locally). She just does it to me.
If an adult child is also disabled and cannot meet the parent's needs, but this overload is still expected, then bringing in help is necessary. Start with housekeeping help. imop.
How your mother treats you is her issue. Don't stand for it, no one needs abuse. Walk away. One could always respond, "I cannot possibly do that".
Now, go take a look in the mirror, are you sure you are standing up straight, smiling, like a self-respecting adult? Good luck to you!
No One Can Take Advantage of You if YOU LET THEM.
But I can dd this: you don't need to become a slave. I have found it helpful with my other 90 and my husband 82 to tell them that I will take care of it, look into it, put it on the schedule, etc.
Once they know that they have been heard, that I am aware of it, that it will be taken care of, they are fine. I don't need to execute orders on a dime.
Also,it is really helping me to not take things so seriously. So this behavior is crazy making. So what? Just record it in your joke book and laugh it off.
Arianne, oh, the poor guy. But, if I may say, all the more reason for a bit of humor in the whole situation.
Good luck!