Why does my elderly mother single me out as the one stealing from her?

Loss of hearing does cause dementia. Loss of sight contributes to dementia too. The reason is that hearing and sight are how our brains get signals. Once the signals stop coming in, the brain connections atrophy and the brain can't work without them. There's a good bit of research about this, and I suggest you look it up.

As POA, you should manage the input you need to do her taxes and have forms sent directly to you via internet. Your mother is not truly capable of handling her aspect of that now.

As for her accusations of stealing, that comes from paranoia. Paranoia is one of the first indications of dementia. I dealt with this with Rude Aunt, who accused me of taking money from my parents and also told people that I did it. I did not. My friend has accused our other friend of stealing every kind of thing from her house, including her underwear, but that didn't happen. Both of these ladies showed other signs of dementia as well.

One of the worst things you could do is be in denial that your mom has dementia. As long as you feel that way, mom's unlikely to get the help she needs.

Seems your loved one has mental health issues - maybe dementia, but probably other issues as well. The only way to know for sure is to have her evaluated for dementia - usually by a neurologist - and evaluated for mental health issues by a psychiatrist - preferably a geriatric psychiatrist. These doctors can evaluate and prescribe treatment(s) to help with her medical and mental health issues. Of course, any paranoia may continue if she doesn't want to get "better." In that case, your best option is to develop a plan to deal with her problem behaviors. Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. Use your time with your therapist to devise specific plans you will put into action when each specific problem behavior occurs. Remember that her accusations are her perceptions and not truth.

Accusing others of stealing is classic dementia. From your description it sounds like it’s been coming on a long time. They lose empathy for loved ones and it’s all about them. My mother is like that too. At some point she trusted you enough to give you POA over her finances so clearly she thought you were a responsible and trustworthy person. I would get her to the doctor asap even if you have to trick her to get her into the car. She needs meds. She cannot be left alone anymore and can possibly start wandering, using the stove, calling police, etc. dementia sufferers can go down hill quickly. It’s a very mysterious disease. I’ve been there. I wish you all the luck in the world.

People with dementia can best hide it in their own familiar environments. If you take her out of her familiar environment or ask questions she would have to think about - can she answer them? (Let’s have Italian for lunch - what Italian restaurant do you like?). Who’s the president? What’s today’s date? If you went for a walk … would she be able to navigate back?

Cindy13: Contact APS,

If your mom has one of the forms of Dementia (Alzheimers', etc.) there is NO WAY that she can live on her own anymore. Even though you are working hard to help her as much as you can, you are only there every few weeks. A person with possible Dementia with Paranoia symptoms cannot be on their own. Either you or one of your siblings will need to move in with her, or she'll need a full-time caregiver, or she will need a facility.

Many Dementia patients display symptoms of Paranoia, including accusations, agitation, and anger. She needs a diagnosis, so that she can possibly get medication, which might help.

I had vented to a close friend once when my mom was doing this to me. My friend said she accuses me because she knows it’s safe to do so - I won’t stop coming or taking care of her no matter what she does to me. By extension, perhaps your brothers would walk away if things got too tough or uncomfortable. I believe my friend is correct, even though it’s not the answer we want. Our moms may have dementia, but they are angry about their situation and still clever enough to know who they can blow off steam with. The loyal ones will be there no matter what.

I found that arguing with my daddy when he accused me of things just made it worse. I just said okay, or I'm sorry. One time he accused me of poisoning him. I just had laugh. It turned out to be an UTI. But maybe you can just say I'm sorry that your item(s) got stolen, and if she accuses you tell her you will put them back. I don't know if this will work but maybe it will relieve the strain. Sometimes we have to think outside the box and try something different. She does need to see a doctor and get some meds see if you can use the ol' your prescriptions need to be filled but we need to see the doctor first. Have a talk with the doctor before she sees him and hopefully that will help.

People with dementia Have Paranoia and since you are the Oldest daughter - you are an easy Target .

Hi Cindy,
I think you have more going on here than just being accused of stealing. A comment you made a little while ago confirms something I've been thinking as I read through your story and the comments. Some women idolize the men in their lives and devalue the women. Who knows why, I suspect it may have something to do with their own self-loathing which then spills over to other members of their own sex. It's especially heartbreaking when these women have daughters. The poor little girl starts her life under the boot and nothing she does can get the love she deserves or even figure out why. It happens the other way too; my kids had a teacher in high school that liked girls and hated the boys. Every parent of a son was well aware of that fact!

It sounds like she expects much more of you, and anything the boys do is just wonderful. My suggestion would be to let them help you as much as you possibly can. If Mom would like one of them to handle her finances, GREAT! Or, maybe they can collect her "business" mail and forward it to you. (I'd suggest having the address changed so it comes to you in the first place, but I know that might be difficult to do.) Go to her less frequently, and don't tell her in advance, just show up. Don't stay as long. See if her attitude is any different.

I don't see anything indicating that your brothers are trying to discredit you. More likely, they are just blind to the favoritism. I would keep them close and let them help you, tell them what you're feeling and see what solutions or advice they can offer. You don't have to have the same low expectations your mother does or excuse their inaction. I won't tell you not to take this personally, because it IS personal. And from what you say it's been going on for a long time. But it might help to remember that it is her personality defect and her shortcoming. It's she who has a diminished life because she's unable to have the kind of loving relationships with her children that a good parent does.

You are a good person to have done everything you have with so little appreciation. Don't feel bad about dialing it back and giving her a chance to find some gratitude.

Its typical for them to accuse when you are the main caregiver. It hurts no matter what. Somedays you are ok and other times you feel like a whipping post. I have been through this with mom died at 71 and my mother and father in law who died last year.I am very sensitive and still hurt from the accusations today. You are giving up alot from your life. Please get some help and support.... if you have to step down from being the POA. Trust you are human.

My Alzheimer’s-ridden mom also accused me of stealing from her. She’d accuse me of going through her purse. She had all of $5 in there and a lipstick, which I put in there. She’d accuse “my friends” (part of her Alzheimer’s-induced hallucinations) of trying on her bathing suits!  I told her my friends (who didn’t come over because of the situation here) had their own bathing suits. She’d accuse “people” of stealing her dental bridge. You know where I found it, after one of these accusations? In her mouth. As some of you know from this forum, I even wrote a book about when Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years called, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s Tale.” I have a chapter entitled, “Steal Yourself for Stealing,” and another one entitled, “Paranoia Can Destroy Ya.” (I found writing to be therapeutic.) I had to  remind myself that her accusations were the result of her disease, and not a deliberate personal attack. Best of luck.

in my comment I made below, it was really to another comment made. I didnt answer your question so here is answer to your question of :" Anyone have this problem and how do you get through it?"

I "try" to not take it personally , and realize its due to a combination of dementia and personality disorder. Eg I try to pretend to let the comment just slide right off, like a raindrop off a slick rain coat, rather than stick. However I generally am not good with avoiding taking things personally, so this technique only partially helps. I'm just not that good at it I guess. So, now I also limit exposure to my dad as much as possible.....
Its easy for all of us, including myself, to advise "don't take it personally". From my experience, I realize its not easy to suddenly and simply "not take it personally".....

Since your mom once accused the caregivers and now you, I'd suspect dementia is causing it and you should try to not take it personally. My mom would play a game between my brother and me. She would complain to my brother about things she didn't like about what I was doing and actually make up things. Then she would complain to me about my brother and make up things about him. My brother and I talked almost daily, so we could laugh about this behavior. It wasn't anything as serious as stealing from her though. She had Alzheimer's. Her brain was not working properly. She would get on a topic and not let it go for months, then on to the next topic. She would say a relative called her from the bank letting her know she had only $400 left and so she needed to move. She said this 4 times a day for 2 months. The exact same $400 story, like it was just stuck there in her brain. I would tell her that she had other accounts at different banks, and the relative (we had no relative working at a bank) didn't know about her other money. I'd show her the bank statement and assure her all was well. I was lucky that she trusted me. Your mom doesn't ask about your life. That also happens with dementia, being self absorbed. I saw it in the other residents at Mom's assisted living. She thankfully remained very caring, although it was on and off, until the end. All people with dementia will behave differently, but all are not able to help what goes on in their brains. I do hope your mom moves on from this idea that you are stealing from her. She probably thinks you are the only one in the family smart enough to do it and she for some reason needs to believe it's happening. Feeling out of control of her life? Please try to not let it hurt you.

Cindy,

I'm just guessing here, but I think she singles you out because she is (or feels) closest to you. My mom accused my dad of stealing from her (she did have dementia) and she LOVED him. I think he was just the person who was there most often that she counted on and he became the one person that she could accuse. Just guessing but I think they resent those around them who they need.

Once dementia sets in all kinds of sad things follow. Paranoia, hallucinations, wandering, and yes, accusing people of stealing things. I found her jewelry stuffed under cushions in the living room. She once took my dad's clothes and stuffed them under the couch in the family room. The things that they see and really believe are there, well, it's just sad and a bit crazy.

I have POA and all I can advise is that you change her mail address to yours, then you get everything you need to take care of her finances. I completely understand why you get down about the visits. It's hard. Take care of yourself because you are her life line. My dad lost his eye sight due to AMD so if your mom is not getting the eye shots monthly she will lose her eyesight. That will bring an end to her living alone. From what it sounds like, she probably should not be but I know what that argument is like too.

I'm so sorry. Life can be so hard and so sad. Sounds like you are getting close to the next step. People used to tell me all the time, "Something is going to happen, and then things will change because there will not be any other way to move forward." Things did change, my dad fell, the hospital sent him to rehab, my mom could not live alone and she followed him into a nursing home. It has been a very long year but things are better. I so hope that your future gets easier. Know that you are a good person doing your best to help someone who does not always appreciate it. Don't beat yourself up.

“As the daughter and oldest in my family, I have always taken on the responsibilities needed in the family. The brothers are passive mostly”

I’m an only daughter too. The older generation regards daughters as the designated caregiver and she is expected to sacrifice the most. This is wrong. Your brothers need to help too, and need to help often, not just when they feel like it.

Has your mother had hostility towards you before this? Because you’re describing a very common situation: Mother has resentment towards the daughter yet expects the daughter to be there when she snaps her fingers. The daughter will work herself to death, but it’s still not enough. If anything is “missing” or anything isn’t how she wants it, it’s the daughter’s fault. The sons, however? They can do as they please. Mother doesn’t expect them to do anything for her. She will always praise the sons, even if they barely lift a finger for her.

Hello Burnt and Cindy,
The tears are flowing because I thought I was the only one going through this. My story exactly mirrors both of yours - down to how she’s treated me my whole life. My therapist said to remove myself from the situation, and that’s what I had to do. While it definitely does help, I’m still anxious about the situation.
I wish I really could let it all go. To all, thank you for posting. I’m so glad I’m not alone.

A POA for an incapacitated person, you can have her financial mail sent to your house. My mom was not aware that I did this. She was in another state so her address change was listed as mom's name then c/o me. During tax time there were a couple of financial 1099s that would need to be corrected each year to file in her state. There was plenty of time to fix this before April 15. That should save a few phone calls to her

I have taken care of dementia friends. It’s not unusual for them to accuse you of stealing. It does hurt. I would document it. I also talked to the local police about this person I cared for. I would bet the police already know. It’s only going to get worse. Try not to let it hurt your feelings. She sounds like she has always been narcissistic. Dementia only enhances the snarkiness and meanness. She sounds like she feels miserable. She’s lucky to have a family that helps her. I would recommend further reading on this site, and joining a support group. You’ll find that many understand and sympathize. Maybe her doctor can recommend something for her mood. It wouldn’t hurt. All the best!

Yes and yes! All of this is my mother. I thought you were talking about her for a second. I am health POA and financial. My husband and I had to take my mother in after having a stroke last year. She has been diagnosed with dementia. She doesn't believe she has it. I'm the only one of her children doing anything for her. My brother is tired of the "caregiving thing," after my dad had a stroke last year, so he doesn't call or help it at all. He lives 25 mins. from my house. And my older sister just doesn't respond to me at all. She cut our mother off years ago.
So my mother accuses me and my husband of stealing everything from her. And she often tells me that her other children would never do this to her ( thinking I'm doing something wrong or bad to her). And I agree. They would never take care of her the way I am because they aren't. They are not giving her a safe, warm , loving home to live in. They would not make sure she has hot meals or takes her medicine.
So, I say all this to say, you are not alone and I'm in the same boat. Hang in there. Upside of this, you don't live with her to be accused on a daily basis.

It is very common for the elderly with dementia to accuse people of stealing or other nefarious acts. I know it must be very hurtful to you. I have been fortunate that my mom has not accused me of such, but she does tell people that I am dying from cancer. A therapist is going to tell you that it is not healthy for you to subject yourself to such torture and if this were a coworker or a friend or a neighbor I would say your therapist is spot on, Unfortunately, this is your mentally ill mother and she doesn't have control over her demented brain. This is easier said than done, but don't take it personally and try to redirect the conversation. You could decide that you can no longer be her POA or have a relationship with her. That is well within your rights to do so. I guess the question is can you learn to not take it personally and come to grips with the fact that she is not mentally ok and that you are assisting a mentally ill person? If you can do that and not make yourself sick, then you've won the battle.

Don't get me wrong, there are days I dread going to see my mom. Sometimes knowing that I am going can give me angst, but I try to put myself in her shoes and hope that someone cares enough to manage my care like I am doing for her.

This is hard stuff...no two ways about it. It is all the harder if you didn't have a good relationship with them to begin with and you've got siblings who don't help at all. I am right there with you!

I wonder if the brothers are jealous of you being poa and complain to her. Setting you up to get blasted when you show up? This may or may not be true. So you have a horrible miserable time. They also get to be the hero for mom, turning her against you. My sib tried doing that. So I'm suspicious now. Or she could just be miserable in her condition and just vents.

I think you need to Grey rock her from now on. That is when you show no emotion, no defending yourself, no arguing. Keep doing your task, like you never heard her. The best option is to immediately walk away out of the room. If it gets that bad, get in your car and go to a restaurant for lunch. Go check out a new store. Your not going to be her whipping post any more. If you keep walking away, she cant abuse you, or argue. You no longer tolerating bad behavior. You are not there for abuse. You wouldnt tolerate that from a coworker, or stranger. You shouldnt tolerate it from mom bc she is blood. You have a right to protect yourself from any abuse from anyone. No emotion, no defending yourself. Your done being abused. Period.

Id make a spread sheet and email that to brothers. That way it stops the wondering if your living it up on her dime. Everyone is on the same page. That may stop the brother or brothers from complaining to her, winding her up right before you show up. I wonder if she really has that long of a memory to keep acusing you?
If it were me, I'd show up unannounced. That way you really see what's going on. And only stay a few days. Limit the interaction time. I bet if you show up unannounced, she might not have been primed to abuse you. Would be interesting to see if there is a difference, but that's me.

Remember to take time for yourself to do something fun. To keep you enjoying your life, and stave off depression, and as a pressure relief. Do not tell your brothers you went to a movie, had lunch with friends. You just go to work and go home, as far as they are concerned. Keep your life private. You don't need them thinking your living the life on your moms money, and their life is miserable, bc they do everything, and you dont. Don't give them ammo.

Good luck, and you can come here to vent. Lol. It's a pressure relief.

Hi Cindy, I am one of two daughters, the oldest and aka the “bad daughter”. I take the brunt of mom’s accusations, having been told I took various items, and I am also POA for her finances. BTW she is 94, has vascular dementia, and has a history of accusing caregivers at her AL home of taking items from her. She has told my sister that I spend hers and dad’s pensions on my “lavish” vacations, and questions me every single time about her money. I took her yesterday to an appt and she starts in asking if I am on her bank account, and I said yes, because we are co-trustees, and I have to pay her bills. I told her that I feel she doesn’t trust me but her money is safe in her managed accounts. I also have POA over finances, my sister is POA for health care.
We went to her MDs to attempt a letter of incapacity, but while her PCP gave us one, the neurologist would not, based on her cognitive score. Yes, she’s a smart cookie, plays her cards as she wishes, and dumps her anger load on me, and now my sister. Yesterday was the last straw, when she screamed to high heaven in my car and said she hates me. I said I won’t listen to her pity party any longer nor her accusations. BTW we now put her in the back seat with child locks on the door as she has opened the car door while in motion twice now. We are contemplating going back to her neurologist for input (she is on remeron)
Cindy, you are not alone, listen to those suggestions on this blog, and to your therapist. You are #1 in your life and you need to take care of yourself. Don’t see her and let her calls go to voice mail. Hugs to you!

P.S. If your brother/family won't get her checked for dementia, she may have a fall or something will happen requiring an ambulance/being hospitalized and then she'll be tested. In addition, w/o MD documentation that she has dementia, she likely is STILL legally in charge of her own finances / and all other decision making. You might want to contact (Adult Protective Services) APS for them to do a home assessment.

After you read this (and perhaps more on dementia / 'blaming family of stealing'), you hopefully will be able to understand causes / change your belief system based on medical science and how dementia affects a person's brain. If you are still triggered, leave and shift your focus elsewhere, i.e., go to a park, buy yourself flowers, visit a museum = do something enjoyable to you.

Visit this website:

https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/#:~:text=Seniors%20with%20Alzheimer%27s%20disease%20or,things%20that%20aren%27t%20real.

In part, it says:

By Connie Chow, Founder at DailyCaring

Seniors with dementia might make terrible accusations. Seniors with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia commonly accuse the people closest to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.  While cases of true abuse do exist, oftentimes these accusations are completely untrue and are caused by delusions – strong beliefs in things that aren’t real. It’s important to remember that your older adult isn’t creating these delusions to hurt you. 

Their brains are failing and the delusions and paranoia are symptoms of the disease. We explain why this happens & 8 ways to calm the situation and kindly deal with these dementia accusations.

8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations

I'm quoting two here; see website for link to read all 8)

1. Don’t take it personally

Remember that your older adult is only making these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities. 
They’re trying to make sense of their reality as best they can. 
Do your best to stay calm and not to take these accusations personally. Focus on reassuring them and showing that you care about how they’re feeling.
 
2. Don’t argue or use logic to convince

It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong. 
You simply can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic properly. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent. Instead, let them express their ideas, feelings, and opinions. It will be easier to calm and distract them if they feel heard and validated."

Gena / Touch Matters

You need to limit interaction, at this point. It's too toxic. Make brothers step up. Tell them you are done being the whipping post. Spend 2-3 days to check on things, make phone calls, fix an item or two, then leave. It is going to start taking a toll on your health, if it hasn't already.
This is a good plan to use moving foward. Ignore her accusations. Easier said than done, I know. Grey rock her now. When she acuses, don't defend yourself. Do not react, or answer. Change subject/redirect, do what you need to, or better yet walk away. Never engage, and continue an argument. No point, and you'll only get upset, and will never win the argument. And it will wind her up even more.

When she goes off, keep telling yourself she's not in her right mind. She's lashing out on an easy target. Just walk away, or just continue to do what you are doing if you can, no facial expression, no emotion, ignoring her, and keep doing a task. Walking away is best, because you dont have to hear insults. One can't argue by themselves. That's no fun. They need an audience and a target.

If you suddenly leave and take a lunch break from her by driving off, good for you. Try a new restaurant in the area, or a new store. You are protecting your mental health. Dont feel guilty. Do not tolerate being berated. Grey rock her,and walk away. If you come back, and she's even madder, walk away again. You are not the enemy or whipping post. She'll get the message loud and clear.

Id tell brothers you are no longer tolerating this. You'll still check up, but don't tell anyone you are coming. That way you get to see what's really going on. And your brothers can't say, you are here now, I'm done until you leave.

Id also give them a spread sheet of where the $ is going. That way everyone knows, everyone is on the same page, and there is no whispering your living it up on her money. You have no idea if brothers are saying that to her, winding her up before you get there, so she explodes on you. That way its her saying it, not them, hehe. And your time there is miserable. She doesn't do that to them. And when you show up, you get hit with rage. You have no idea what they are saying to her, before you get there. Why does she save that only for you? They may be quite jealous of you being the poa. A spread sheet gives them assurance what's being done. And shuts up any questions, or suspicions. Transparency is best.

And also be good to you. Continue to do things to make you happy. Don't tell brothers you went on vacation, or checked out that new restaurant or movie. They might think your spending mom's money on that, and living it up, resentful you arent around all the time. Don't add fuel to the fire. Your just working and living a boring life as far as they are concerned. That way they don't have anything to complain about.
I'd tell them if it's time to put her in a facility, or get more help or meals on wheels you'll do it, but you aren't tolerating bad behavior. But I would pop in unexpectedly to see if she still berates you.
My mom was a diff person before phone calls. Very pleasant. After sibling called, very suspicious and argued about everything. I saw the difference for myself.

Good luck, and you can always vent about your frustrations on here lol.

I cannot answer the "why", but I can say that I am not surprised. My mother has always had mental health issues and now has cognitive decline. As the daughter, primary caregiver, I get the brunt of the verbal abuse and accusations. If her decline continues into dementia, it will worsen. It is interesting to me that her worst meltdowns/accusations come when no one else is around to witness them. Why? I do more so I am certainly the one that is most likely to have handled anything, seen anything, done ANYTHING that can be twisted in her mind. I also think she needs, in some twisted way, to have an outlet for her anger and I am the safest one to explode on. Anyone else would just walk away and not come back. And so she makes the effort to be nicer to everyone else and "lets go" around me. How do I get through it? One day at a time. Reminding myself that she is not doing it deliberately. Prayer. Research on handling problem personalities, dementia patients, following caregiving forum and realizing I am not alone.

Alvadeer, interesting point. I've always wondered about the difference between confabulation, mental illness and dementia showtiming. I know with the showtiming, they can only keep this up for so long in front of people. Once they are back home or the company leaves, the behavior is worst than ever. I think it takes so much energy for them to appear normal. I would have to work with a client for a couple of weeks before I can analyze the behavior and what I'm working with. I've worked with dementia clients and their behaviors can mimic mental health issues even though it is classified as a physical illness. However, this doesn't exclude that there could be mental illness at play here layered on top of the dementia. As an aide, we don't get the full picture of a client's behavior.

Cindy,

I'm speaking to you from 25 years experience doing homecare and having been a caregiver to my mother who is very like yours.

You are a female. Therefore the motherly scapegoating will fall on you rather than your brothers. This is so common.

You should stop going to your mother's home to help her. She should not be living on her own anymore and getting her into assisted living or memory care would probably be the best thing for her and everyone else.

Your therapist is right. Don't visit her anymore. You can get your name removed as POA and replaced with your local brother by going to the lawyer who did the documents.
Let him deal with your mother's abuse which she likely will not lay on him.

I'll tell you something else too. Many people with dementia can turn it on and off for certain people. It's called 'showtiming'. The villifying, verbal abuse, scapegoating, negativity, and accusations are often reserved for one person. You've drawn the short straw on that one.
Take your therapist's advice because they are right.

Cindy...I feel for you. I have had this same situation in my family. I do not agree with the comment above that says that dementia patients are not capable of turning it on and off for the outside world. My mother was very capable of "trying to act normal" in her earlier stages of dementia but after a few minutes of talking to her, it is obvious that something was not right. She still has moments of trying to deceive. She is aware that something is not right with her but will not admit that it is cognitive. She gets very angry at the mention of dementia or that she needs help with her care.

I actually cut my mother out of my life several years ago because her Narcissistic personality disorder was absolutely making me lose my mind. She has been showing signs of dementia for many years. Her NPD made it very difficult to realize that it was actually dementia and not her usual manipulative NPD behaviors. I have since reentered my mother's life after a sibling passed last April and I witnessed the state that my mother was in. She literally was starving herself because she wouldn't eat anyone else's cooking and she couldn't remember how to make anything. My sisters and I hired several caretakers but each ended in disaster because of my mother's controlling and abusive personality disorder.
I retired last June so I was now the child with the most time. I am the oldest. I was doing most everything. I was traveling 40 minutes each way to cook, clean, shop, take her to appointments, take her for day trips and bring her to my home for days at a time so she and her husband could have a break from each other. It is also a toxic relationship. These are all things my sisters were not doing because they were too busy with their own lives.
It took several drs appointments and emails to her doctors before those appointments to make them aware of the concerns and in order to have them ask the correct questions. Finally, we have a diagnosis. But even with the diagnosis we can not force her to memory care. As long as she says no we can not make her go. We know that she will get the care she needs there, much better care than she gets now but we can not force her. She calls all of us numerous times to tell us that she wants to move and that she hates her husband and needs to get away from him but when we tell her that we have a place for her she refuses saying she can live with her friends. We ask her who and she cannot name them. Currently my work has been paperwork to prepare for the day when she does not or cannot say no.
My mother has been hiding things, reorganizing, "cleaning" and has forgotten where she puts things. I have been behind the scenes for a month because I was being called a thief and a liar. She was combative and aggressive with me. . This was more than I could take and stepped back out to save myself. She is now being cared for mostly by her husband who doesn't want to and doesn't care to. He does minimal. My sister who lives closest to her has stepped back in as her primary caregiver (she was it before I came back in the picture last April) but she is working and has very limited time.
My advice to you would be to definitely take care of yourself. If you need a break then take a week or two or as long as it takes to repair the damage to your own mental health. This isn't easy because you know that our mothers will not get the care that they need while you are out of the picture but it will be worth it in the end. Sending you positive vibes and energy.

I really think you cannot/should not manage the affairs, financial and otherwise of someone without a diagnosis. In an answer below you say she isn't diagnosed because she doesn't want to be.

It is up to the POA to take care of finances ONLY IF a person is incompetent BY LAW to do that for her/himself.
And that isn't the case here.
You indicate she can shine it on enough to fool folks, but that can't happen with dementia.
No neuro-psyc doctor can be fooled by confabulation, and confabulation is most often be used by the mentally ill.

I think that you are being accused by her because you are handling her finances and she is paranoid about that. Whether this is because of mental illness or dementia you cannot know, and if you do not know you cannot operate on her behalf just ASSUMING she is incapable of handling her own affairs. I am amazed any bank has allowed you to manage this woman's finances for her without requiring a full diagnosis of her being incapable in her own behalf. Usually banks go to GREAT LENGTHS to prevent this, refusing many POAs that are not very well written by a very good attorney.

In the case of most of the mentally ill they are incapable of handling their finances, but not LEGALLY under the law. They are allowed, under the law to make as much of a muddle of their finances as they wish to. A court is LOATHE to remove a citizen's rights to their own finances and management from them.


I would resign the POA, myself, unless there is a diagnosis. I would step out of this stew completely and let the poop hit the fan.
Meanwhile, whomever IS managing for her better have METICULOUS records of every single penny in and every single penny out of all of her finances. Because she can file for elder abuse tomorrow in present circumstances, should she wish to.

I sure wish you luck, but I would see an Elder Law Attorney now to describe what is currently going on and what other options are.