I would really like some feedback on this question.
Why is it that the adult child who grew up being the scapegoat and whipping post for their parents in the family unit, is the one who gets the job of being caregiver to the abusive elderly parent put on them?
It seems like a cruel irony to me that the adult child who gets treated the worst, gaslighted pretty much since they were toddlers, and downright bullied in their own family is the one who almost always has to "step up" and become the caregiver to the mom or dad who always hated them.
What a situation to find yourself in. To be expected to have an endless supply of love, patience, kindness, and compassion for a person who had absolutely none for you at any time in your life.
Is it unfair to believe that an elderly person should not expect more from their adult children then they were ever willing to give? Or ever did give? I don't think it is. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent for a minute.
Not being a servant doesn't stop scapegoating. And I wonder why would a scapegoat assume other scapegoats don't defend themselves, and love is something you show; not feel. Are you another 2.nd golden turned cov narc who thinks she wasn't loved enough, perhaps? Rarely if ever do I see true scapegoats getting the perspective of the Narc better than the scapegoat's.
Scapegoats can't stop scapegoating bc they didn't start it.
I, or any scapegoat in that matter, wasn't made a scapegoat bc I was seen as weak, I was seen as a threat to the egos of my narcissistic parents, one bc I was prettier, one bc I was smarter, and both bc I was mentally strong, secure, capable of loving and being loved, but they weren't. Narcs don't target who they see as the weak, as a Narc, do you? They go for the ones better than them and find any opening in their psyche to destroy, to see themselves as the best again.
Their boiling envy won't end with me being smart and strong, if anything, it will get worse. I can't change these things about me -being gifted and attractive, having capacity for loving relationships- and they won't stop being narcissistic, they can't stop seeing me as a scapegoat.
I know - I stopped serving and even with no contact I'm still the bad, sick, crazy, cause of all problems; the scapegoat. I can't stop that by simply stopping serving them.
Even the fact that I don't give care is used as proof of my innate badness inside the family. Like my aunt's and uncle's have the same happening to them.
You can't stop being a scapegoat. Accepting that fact is "smarter" and "stronger" than seeing it as sth you can do. You can only change how you treat others, you can't change how others treat you. Hard pill to swallow, but blaming yourself for how mentally ill others treat you isn't the same as responsibility taking.
I'd rather be an odd sheep than a doormat.
I do agree about scapegoating in general, to maintain old comfort zones. You find out that people often don't get nicer as they age.
Dementia-related confabulation can create unfair reputations among caregivers. Other family members may refuse to understand what a parent puts the scapegoat through, then a resentment cycle builds. You can end up helping someone who's barely grateful while dealing with siblings mostly concerned about their own free time.
And if it spills into misinformed impressions given to neighbors and friends, it gets even more irritating. Firsthand knowledge here!
(((hugs)))) I hear you. For myself, I was the oldest and in our culture that came with a lot of responsibilities. I was a desperate pleaser and wanted so much for my parents to "see" me. Yet I was treated like the scapegoat and everything was my fault. My parents allowed my siblings to treat me poorly.
Even as an adult, I failed to stand up for myself. Even now, I'm still the one feeling hurt and being told I am too sensitive. I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't even care.
I have to agree with the others. And we have to step away and make different choices. No one should one should have to put up with abuse.
I’m in my 50’s and taking care of my mother who is 87. Guess who gets all the blame/shame/guilt/drama/trauma from my mother….. Why me of course. I set limits with my mother and try my best not to wear the “Hair coat” of shame that comes with it, but it’s hard.
When I was a child everything was my fault, always. When I finally left home to attend college (my parents expected me to) I finally could breathe. I found that since I was no longer being blamed for everything I actually had a personality and I was a real person. Within 6 months of being in college both of my parents asked me “When are you coming home again” When I finally got out of college they wanted to know “are you ever going to move back home”. I assumed primary care for my mother in 2011. She asks me weekly “when are you ever going to retire? ”
Besides setting limits and being blunt about what you can do for your elderly parents, the best thing t you can do is to stand up for yourself. Until they die, you will always and forever be the scape goat to them.
The fixed scapegoats don't do that caregiving. It's my experience of having both dynasties of my parents VERY high in narcissism and seeing probably more than two person's share of narcissistic family dynamics closely. I witnessed and lived the stories you only hear about, as a scapegoat who knew what was up within the walls and didn't play along.
We are all responsible in the justice of the world, and like most scapegoats I am concerned with justice. We think that we shouldn't enable evil by "doing good to our abusers" "forgiving our enemies". Most scapegoats are concerned with protecting the innocent and weak, we see the enemy we let off the hook harm a weak innocent person, we don't do that anymore. That's why we don't give care to our abusers.
We get called selfish, ungrateful and heartless for "neglecting" our parent and the covert narc 2nd degree golden who got slight hits in the once-in-a-decade role switches rises to the "She suffered so much and she is caregiving." status in the narcissistic family's eyes, to keep the care going, bc fluffing their ego is how you get a narcissist to take care of a person, and how you protect the narrative. Not the truth.
What is happening there is, the golden, that is barely sort of caregiving now, is idealized and told as she was the scapegoat who went through so much (mostly lies and over the top exaggerations) yet still cares more than the real scapegoat who is narrated as the golden (lies). This does two things for the narcissistic family:
They avoid feeling bad about themselves.
The scapegoat carries the character flaws, blame and shame.
The 1st degree goldens avoid caregiving.
The elder Narcs are taken care of (generally just enough so they don't die.)
The caregiving golden is getting sympathy and sometimes money out of it, while looking like a good person.
In my experience with two narcissistic dynasties full of clinical narcissists, the scapegoat is indeed EXPECTED and TOLD to do that, doesn't do that, then BLAMED and SHAMED for that. Which, to outsiders, proves the scapegoats' smeared image, which is based on lies anyway.
The plot twist is, goldens (that you think as scapegoats who ended up caring the most bc you believe everything you hear) don't care appropriately, they treat the elder Narcs like burdens, use their sickness as attention bait from outsiders, scapegoat the elderly now and then, have fights trying to pass the "ball" to other goldens. Long story short, the Narcs finally get to experience what the scapegoat felt as a child; neglect, abuse, rejection, blame, shame. Karma, you reap what you sow. As above, so below... Whatever you call it, narcissists don't have a blissful old age.
My malignant NPD mom who tried to murder me twice along with the decades of horrific abuse, neglect, scapegoating, gaslighting, isolation etc, recently had a heart attack and they asked for my help, flying monkeys used nostalgia to raise hope in me that I tried to so hard to kill. Can you believe that? Ofc I rejected. I said, like every scapegoat within the dynasties did while their parents asked for help, I have no heart to give to heartless people.
Now she posts FB posts about ungrateful children who were cared so much for and their poor elder parents who weren't taken care of, isn't it funny?
Watch them as they soon assign one of my golden NPD sisters who is the most useful in this process as "She went through so much yet despite that takes care of us now."
you wrote:
“I’ve read that scapegoats tend to be sensitive, caring & loving.”
scapegoats, by definition, are also the ones taken advantage of/mistreated.
hence sometimes: siblings take advantage, dump all the caring of the parents, on the scapegoat. the scapegoat continues to be the scapegoat.
wishing us all to find good solutions!!
hugs!!
I am experiencing the scapegoat right now. I posted last week - I spent the weekend with my parents. My mom the caregiver, has been depressed and angry for months and is keeping it all in. My dad is cognitively all right but medically frail - still ambulatory though, just very slow. Dad and I spent time away from the house together, running errands and going for drives because my mom wanted time alone in the house. I understood this - she needed a break. We thought we were doing what she wanted. However, Sunday night she blew up. She blew up because you know why? We enjoyed ourselves. We weren't miserable like she is.
Mom is miserable and angry because she has hated being in her marriage for years. She has vented to me about my dad for years. My dad defends her behavior. He never has a bad thing to say about her.
Mom said awful things to me this weekend and accused me of things she has made up in her head. She told dad she wants a divorce and that they have nothing in common and that it's my turn to take care of my dad. She said things about my dad that no kid should have to listen to one parent say about the other. I don't care how old you are - you never want to be in the middle of this.
I have been fact-finding this week about resources for my dad to get him out of the house without help from my mom (because she said it was our responsibility to do that and she didn't want to hear any of it). I spoke with a wonderful social worker who spent 40 minutes on the phone with me at no charge. I outlined all the options in an e-mail to my dad. Apparently Dad showed mom the email and she went ballistic. I believe it can be said that Mom is being emotionally abusive to dad. She will not speak to me now, she has made up her mind that I am some kind of villain. Dad called me today and was fighting back tears. That is not my dad. He was feeling badly for involving me in this. My heart was breaking. I told him to call me WHENEVER and I will keep checking in with him. He is going to take a cab to the senior center 2 days a week and try to stay there the whole day to stay out of her way for now. He is not interested in any of the classes except for some of the card games. He doesn't even want to go there but knows he needs to get away from her so that she can calm down.
What a nightmare.