My husband, myself and our 3 kids live with my mother in law. We moved in in February of 2012, prior to my youngest being born. She had a new deed made in April of 2018 that is a survivor's deed between the three of us. She was diagnosed with dementia in 2021. We have kept her home with us. Her dementia is progressing fairly quickly and her mood swings and confusion is getting worse everyday. Her neurologist suggested memory care facility when I took her in the spring to see him. He has tried multiple medications to help the anxiety, depression and outbursts that come along with dementia, but we are getting to the point that the last option of medicine we can do at home is not working. We haven't been able to leave her alone in the last year and a half. My husband is currently staying home with her, which puts a strain on us financially because we are down to just my income. We can't go anywhere or do anything as a family unless we take her with us. Despite having to drive two vehicles for all of us to go, we are having more difficulties with her when we are on the outings, plus her outbursts and mood swings seem worse for a few days after an outing.
My husband is the youngest of 3 boys. He is the only one with children at home. We have no help from the siblings. They wouldn't even take care of their mother the last two years for us to be able to take a vacation from our home here in kentucky to go visit my dad for a week at his home in Florida. We can't even go out to eat anymore. It is putting a strain on my marriage.
I am her POA. I have always been the one to take care of her finances and her medical stuff. We are now looking at putting her in a nursing facility. We want to know if she goes to the nursing home will we potentially lose our home. On top of giving up our home to move in with her in 2012, and not being able to have any family time or even just a date night with my husband, we worry we will lose our home. Can anyone offer advice or help? Thank you so much in advance.
You're not going to lose your home. One-third (your MIL's share) may have to be liquidated in cash and spent-down on her care in the nursing home. This means her equity in the home (1/3 its value) will have to be taken.
Of course, there are ways around this. If there is medical documentation that she has dementia and couldn't be left alone for the last 18 months for one day, you and your husband if you provided that 24-hour care have a right to charge her for it. Yes, you can bill her. It may even come out to more than what her 1/3 share of the property equals.
Go to a lawyer who specializes in elder law and estate planning. They will figure this out. It will be worth whatever you will have to pay them.
It's ridiculous that old people buy property and insist that their names be on the deeds or keep property in their names. I know why they do it because they see it as a kind of insurance policy. An insurance policy that will ensure their family keeps them out of a "home" if they want to inherit. It doesn't though. Usually a family will forgo any potential inheritance and place a LO if their needs become too much for them to handle at home. What a shame.
My sister moved into my mom's home 12 years prior to going into a NH, paid by Medicaid. They do go after assets down to the state minimum but in her case a family member living in the home would be allowed to stay indefatigably.
And my sis wasn't on the deed, just mom.
My sister got advice from a elder care lawyer specializing in Medicare for our state.
She could keep her home and collect Medicaid when liquid assets run out, but you still would not get the home until Medicaid did recovery of invested finances via "clawback".
Your example here serves as warning that those who give up home and job to move in and give care often end up homeless, jobless and without a job history.
What SHOULD have been done all those years ago was a shared living contract in which you and mother attended an attorney to see how much you would pay to live with HER when she didn't need you and how much "shared living costs" monthly she would pay YOU when she did need you.
To find out exactly where things stand now I would attend a good elder law attorney with all your papers and deeds and the details of assets. You don't want to either divulge private info to strangers nor to count on strangers having the best advice for you. That I know of, none of us are attorneys and that's what you need now. It may be you are stuck in caregiving if you wish to inherit this home, and as there are other siblings I hope this thing is AIRTIGHT as they will want equal portions and may be willing to fight for them despite having done nothing to deserve them.
Good luck.
A survivor's deed or survivorship deed is when a property is co-owned with the stipulation that it passes over to the other owner(s) after the other owner's death and vice versa. The property does not have to be probated either if it's in survivorship.
The fact that the mother did this more than five years ago would be as you've said a question for a lawyer. It might be a Medicaid-protected asset and it might not be depending on the state they live in.
A lien will be placed on the home after she passes and you’ll either have to pay that or Medicaid will take the house and sell to recover their losses.
Your husband needs to get a job to support his family.
When you download the application from your local Department of Health and human services it will probably have a section about her being in need of a facility that was averted by her family moving in and keeping her out of the system (not those exact words) if it doesn't, ASK the social worker about that. Some states have criteria that allows a child to keep the house if they kept her out of a facility. They will not attempt MERP.
Even if your state doesn't have that program, you will not lose your house, the most the state can recover is 1/3 of the property value, but, this recovery doesn't force you out of your home, it would put a lien on the property that would need to be paid at the time of sale.
Hopefully igloo572 will chime in, she is the resident expert on how this all works.
God Bless your family for all you have done and do for your MIL. May you find a place that meets her needs and gives her great care.