My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I'm sorry you received such a rude and insensitive post on your wall. That was truly ignorant and definitely uncalled for. I agree, if someone cannot be helpful and understanding of our difficulties and challenges trying to be caregivers they should be on another site where that can be as rude as their narrow minds allow.
I'm sorry you were subjected to that kind of harrasment maybe you should report his post and let the administrators deal with him, :-(
((HUGS))
Cara
Cat
I put some time into therapy and it's too bad more people can't or won't do that. I love the term "human condition" because we all struggle. I don't think there is a family that isn't semi dysfunctional, but you do have a choice in how you deal with that. I'm far from perfect, but I'm really into personal growth. It's not easy or perfect. I'm always making mistakes and chadtising myself, but if I was perfect I don't think I'd be human.
My dad was in pain at one point and nothing seemed to work. I talked to his doctor about an overdose as well as my mother's priest and both made me feel slightly ashamed. But I loved my dad and I knew he would have agreed so I've forgiven myself.
Parents aren't perfect and some should never have been parents in the first place. Anger is normal, but don't let it ruin your life. Talk to a professional.
I'm so glad I left his house and moved here to MD it was impossible living with him. I thought (foolishly) that if I left my husband would choose me over this old guy, but he did not. So my husband has to put up with most of it now, so he's always exhausted and his health is going downhill now too. So now he sees the effect of caring for an older person, none of it is fun, it's frustrating, and exhausting, and saps your strenght. I too wish God hadn't given him such a long sentence. What was left of my marriage is now gone too. :-(
I know it may have sounded like I left my husband "because" he chose to take care of his step-father. But that's not the whole story, so please don't judge me too harshly. We have been married now 44 years. My husband is an alcoholic, his thinking is skewed from all those years of drinking. We do not communicate much at all despite me trying all these years to get him to talk to me. He has always done what he wanted our whole marriage, leaving me out of the loop. He never lets me know what's going on until he has made the decision. We left our home of 37 years and moved in with his step-father. I lived out of one room for 2 1/2 yrs. There is only one bathroom. I have IBS and just about made it to the bathroom in time on numerous occasions. My step-father-in-law hates it when people do things for him, but refuses to do for himself. His bathroom habits are aweful. He'd wipe himself after a BM with a hand towel, rinse it out in the sink and hang the still dirty towel on the towel rack (which is right in front of my face when I'm using the toilet) there was always feces on the floor which he would walk in and track through the house. I was cleaning up his mess for 2 1/2 years while my husband worked in other states for work. The horror goes on forever.
Like I said don't judge you have no idea what I went through.
We have a home in another state an hour from "G-Pa's" house. I go there once a week now, and it is enough.
I've been through months of counseling with a professional psychologist and after hearing all I'd been through, when I finally left she congratulated me. I have never taken care of me, always other people. I didn't even know how to laugh anymore, nothing was funny.
I am hurt at your comments but I guess I should try to see your point of view.
and maybe it wasn't personally aimed at me but it felt like it.
:-(
I sent you a message. I mentioned leaving a spouse because one post involved a woman who wanted to leave, but her mother-in-law threatened to cut them out of the will. So, her husband was going to stay. She said she wanted to leave.
So, it wasn't aimed at you...Unfortunately, we caregiving types can get sensitive... :)
On the other hand, there are times when the burden of caring for a person who no longer has quality of life certainly makes contemplating their death feel like a bad thing, but if you were the compassionate friend giving advice, would you really tell that person they were wrong for those feelings?
It is his loss. Mom may have dementia, but her personality is sweet and sassy. I never get tired of telling her I love her...and sometimes she responds back.
Mother is seldom pleasant to me, and quite often refuses to even speak to me for hours on end. She has been lazy her entire life. She doesn't want my attention until I start to do something. THEN she wants to wander and try to get into stuff she needs to leave alone. OR... if I go anywhere, she does all kinds of odd things... such as pooping in a waste bin in the bathroom, or something else equally as odd. She will wake up from a sound sleep if I WHISPER to someone that I'm going to lay down and rest for awhile. Within 5 minutes she is raring to go! This is not an exaggeration! For 6 weeks after I started staying in her house I existed on less than two hours of sleep every night!
That said, the point is, if I had put her in a nursing home, she would probably already be dead. Since I give her around the clock care, she is still doing well. But I am tired! I haven't gotten to sleep in my own bed for more than a few nights in a year and a half! She is lingering, and growing lazier by the moment (as well as growing weaker from inactivity). Is it any wonder that I am ready for this to be over? But then I feel guilty for feeling this way. So, I spoke to the minister. His words to me made me feel much better. I hope they help you as well.
This is a completely normal feeling. Please do not feel guilty for wishing your mother would just let go and quit making your life miserable. If she were a dog or cat and were in pain and suffering from the amount of confusion there is bound to be associated with Alzheimer's, then you would do the humane thing and euthanize them. We cannot do this with our elders. What we CAN do is to choose to ignore their nastiness, and take the high road and be pleasant to them in return.
I find this difficult quite often... but I also realize that my mother takes perverse pleasure in being difficult, cantankerous, and quite frankly MEAN. When it gets too bad... I just smile, walk away, and say... "I'm okay with that. You are the one that will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Not me."
It works! Good luck!
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.