Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Ohiodaughter, my mom is in an assisted living home for dementia/Alzheimer's. We recently changed her doctor over to a visiting physician due to the fact that she became extremely anxious when we took her out of the building. The new doctor signed her up for hospice services due to her severe dementia. It will have to be reviewed every couple of months but it is possible to get that type of service for your parent.

Ohiodaughter: I'm with you on this issue. I think Dr. Kevorkian was a great man, and we need more advocates on the issue of dying. I just wish they would come up with a different term, other than "assisted suicide". I believe when a person has so many health issues, and has gotten so sedentary, it simply is not living, but only existing. Someone should come up with an "End of Life" pill.

We all have those thoughts; it's human. When someone is obviously suffering from a disease, like dementia, it's a kindness to let them go. Asking them to stay in that condition is inhumane. If they tell you that they would like to die, let them go. Most seniors I have worked with can tell you when they would like to go/ are ready to go. I suspect that they only reason (even if they have dementia in which we all think they don't know what's going on--I think they do but are unable to express it) is that they are hanging on for someone else they think still needs them. Giving them permission to let go is compassionate. I'm looking at this myself at the moment. When she decides it's time for her to go, she will tell me, and I will tell her that it's OK. I'm here to show her the way to the light. No, I'm not looking forward to any of this, but it is the end of life we must all go through.

And yes there are days I wish he would or that I could to be done with this roller coaster of life

Also diabetes...plus now he has dementia.....I do have a bit of empathy because he is a person....no love...its been gone for years..i dont even like him......hate..yes at times when the day has been extremely stressful.....so now I must continue to endure the abuse and see to it he eats. And functions

Unfortunately I totally. Understand your feelings.....I really wih I had an answer for these thoughts....cause I would use it.....my husband of 50 years..has always been a narsacictic- verbal and emotional-manipulator-abuser...I attempted a divorce about 5 hare ago....didn't go well or happen....then he started becoming ill with numerous health issues(most of which he could have avoided if he would have taken of his self-but he always wanted someone else to take care of him)....now he has heart....stroke..seizures...prostrate cancer stage 4metastized

I use to have those thoughts also to a small extent. I am SO VERY SORRY now that both my parents are gone. I am ashamed of myself for having thoughts like that. They may be difficult. Not excercise. Take you for granted. Expect too much from you etc,etc,etc. But guess what when they are gone you no longer have their strength, thoughts, love, courage. You can never call them again on the phone or visit them. You will have no reason to complain about them except the fact that they are no longer with you.
Think what you want but don't forget one day they will be gone and you WILL BE SORRY.

I'm grappling with this now...especially when she tells me daily that she wants to die. And there is nothing I can do but love her and care for her until it happens.

I think we have all struggled with this thought/question. We do not want to admit it but yes we all probably have wished for an end to their torment as well as our own. My mother rants that "She will be so glad when she is gone and buried out by my father." I use to respond, I no longer do.

childofvet, You should not feel bad about wanting your dad to cross over. I want my dad to go because he is almost exactly the same way you are describing your father. My dad has had to be placed in the secure side of the NH where he has been wreaking havoc for several months now. He wants to leave and he just simply cant. He really has a lot of fight left in him but his mind is gone. His dementia has stolen away his memory except that he still knows where he is. He has progressed from trying to get a key from the nurses and threatening to hit them to kicking the door and having to be sedated. We are only on about day 5 of his being in secured side and each day he is more and more distressed. He slapping the nurses hands and they are giving him a wide berth. I feel that the quality of life he had is pretty much gone. He went from watching TV and not doing anything to wandering around clawing at the walls. There is no other choice here and I feel that he would be more comfortable if he crossed over. He could move on to his next assignment or purpose because he has nothing but severe confusion and anxiety. It's very sad to watch and to know that he is suffering psychically like this when it's so unnecessary. I just can hardly believe that it's really this awful for them. I know his spirit is in there and he has been a colorful character but since he has disintegrated to this level, it really has just become pointless. It isn't up to me of course but if he took his leave, I would be happy for him. He would be free and released from this hell inside of himself. :( Poor daddy.

Belle- I feel for you. My mother and father both smoked and drank their health and finances away. My mother is living with me now but moving out next month. She is in better health than yours, I think, but I'm not sure that's a blessing. She stares at the tv all day until 5pm when she can start drinking. What a miserable life. I wonder what's the point. And my poor kids who have to put up with a wasted grandmother every night. So you're not wrong and shouldn't feel guilty for thinking the way you do. You wouldn't want to live that way so that's why you think this. Hang in there.

BelleFleur, all of us go when our dear Lord calls us home. If you can do it, think of your mom as she will be in heaven, cured of all earth's ills. And no, it's not wrong, everyone who is weighed down with an unloving/incapable of being loved relative feels the same, don't beat yourself up for being a human being.

As I have posted earlier, I have an elderly dad (much, much older than I am) who has advanced dementia, is amputee, and is in poor health. He is in a NH and has just gone under hospice care. I have always been close to my dad and had a good relationship with him overall. He was usually kind and easy-going. Very generous on one hand and quite selfish on the other. I am his POA, and my husband and I are really the only two family members who visit him on a regular basis (every week). Anyway, it has now gotten to the point where I cannot stand visiting him because he has gotten so mean and so combative. I feel like his punching bag. Just lately he has taken taking swipes at people and hitting them when they try to feed him or assist him in some way. YES, we give him medication for ALL his ailments and that his calmed him down. but when he is mean he is MEAN, and I am still hurt and angry over this. I think that I get the worst of his abuse whenever I visit, and I do not know why his anger is directed at me in particular. One never knows if it is "safe" to approach him or not. One minute he may accept the food or drink that we are giving him and the next minute he may slap your hand or take a swipe at your face. He hit me in the face a few days ago and I was hurt and humiliated by this. I am tempted to hit his hands to make him stop, but seldom do. My husband DOES slap his hands like one might do a child for hitting others, and my father is a little more respectful towards my husband because of this. It is as if my father knows what he is doing despite the fact that he has dementia. He will take a swipe at someone or slap them, and then pull his covers closer to him (they are already up to this neck) and hold his hands in front of his face as in a defensive way. It is NO joy to visit him. He has no quality life and cannot do anything like watch television, read a book, have a conversation, or sit up in a wheelchair (he used to do the these things but he has declined so much that he cannot although we TRY to interest him in things like this). He must be miserable and he is making everyone else around him miserable. I agree with someone else when they said that they lost the person that they knew as their parent. I do not want to remember his this way. I doubt I will cry much when he passes. I have already cried over him many times before and I am cried out now.

laurabmundy
ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOU!! It is one thing to think of death only as a way out, end to suffering and pain, comfort and peace. My mother was very Christian, strong, Professional, Proud WOMAN and for her to deal with ALS, Lou Gehrigs the way she did was admirable!
When my mother passed I was there holding her hand, talking to her, singing to her, letting her know it was ok to let go. I was not angry and bitter and pissed off because I had to be there.. You know, these elderly people still have senses. So if you are bitter, they are bitter and mean
You are doing NOBODY any favors by being their caregiver and being so Angry. Unfortunately, you are more than likely taking years off of YOUR life by all the stress.

Another choice would be to turn ALL of MIL's care over to hubby! That way the responsibility is squarely where it should be... on HIS shoulders!

There were many times I wished mother would die... not out of spite or hate... but because she had no quality of life and spent all of her time unhappy, confused, or in pain.

Denant... there is ALWAYS a choice! It may not be one you wish to make, but not standing up for yourself is a choice. If you feel this strongly about NOT taking care of your MIL... you need to tell your husband. If he refuses to do anything about it... then you are faced with making another choice... stay or go... It sounds like hubby has already made his choice, and I'm sorry sweetie... it was mom.

Good luck.

DENANT1, for all of you who say, "you didn't have a choice", I say marriage is a partnership and it should have been disguised before the move. What really, bothers me is the level of hate and disgust from so many that say they "hope someone dies". I have dealt with some pretty brutal elders, but I never wished they would die.
Honestly, I believe this post has made a GREAT reference in the fight against Elders's and euthaniza

I was not given a choice in the matter when my husband decided to take in his widowed mother of 89 years. She is and has always been very selfish. Everything is about her and she never considers anyone around her. She lives in my house and does not give us any time alone. She is up at 5am in the morning, waiting for us. She sulks when we want to go out and she is not invited to come with us. She spends every minute of every day with my husband. She criticizes everything I do and complains incessantly about everything. We have to constantly run around and do things to keep her happy. On top of this she switches lights and plugs off in the house. I am convinced she has ocd. The worst is that my husband of 30 years takes her side and cannot see that this is destroying our marriage. Even though I love him very much I am not prepared to go on like this. His mother made my life a living hell when I was younger because she has always been like this and I never liked her. Unfortunately I am now wishing she would die.

I was not given a choice in the matter when my husband decided to take in his widowed mother of 89 years. She is and has always been very selfish. Everything is about her and she never considers anyone around her. She lives in my house and does not give us any time alone. She is up at 5am in the morning, waiting for us. She sulks when we want to go out and she is not invited to come with us. She spends every minute of every day with my husband. She criticizes everything I do and complains incessantly about everything. We have to constantly run around and do things to keep her happy. On top of this she switches lights and plugs off in the house. I am convinced she has ocd. The worst is that my husband of 30 years takes her side and cannot see that this is destroying our marriage. Even though I love him very much I am not prepared to go on like this. His mother made my life a living hell when I was younger because she has always been like this and I never liked her. Unfortunately I am now wishing she would die.

All I can say is my mother has been gone 11 years now. She had Lou Gherrigs Disease, ALS. I would give anything if my mother could be with us today. It is ironic how , as caregivers, we become tired, very tired. But I loved my mother, even at my toughest point I do not think I could say those things about her. Just as a matter of respect.
Your Mother is sick, sounds like help is needed for her and for you. Maybe you could get somebody to help you with your mother . Sounds like a break is needed and well deserved!
Good luck to you, I hope things get better. I would call the Department on aging in your area to see what goodies they may be able to help you with.

I tell and only pray that at least one of my son's will comply with my wishes, which are: Put me on the Applachain Trail with all the essentials, and LET ME GO!!!

I am sorry that you are going through all of this... I believe if I were you I would find a hospice house to place her in! I have been my families(my Grandparents and my Father, now my Mom) caregiver and trust me I have NEVER been treated that way...My Mother who is 86 and has dementia wishes to die most of the time. This really hurts me and makes me sad. My Father passed away almost 3 yrs ago. When my Grandmother was dying, she had pneumonia so she coughed and was short of breath I prayed for peace for her! She was waiting for my cousin and I had to tell her he was not coming. I did not do it to be cruel I dearly loved her but she was suffering. I knew she needed peace. take care and look for a hospice house!!!

I share the same issues with my Mother-In-Law. She has been living with me for 11 months, end stage cancer (pancreas, liver, spleen). They told us when she moved in that she had 2-4 months max, and now here we are almost a year later. I also have taken in my sister-in-law, who is special needs (Williams Syndrome). We moved my sister-in-law into my house when my MIL was diagnosed in January of 2012. My issues with my MIL have gotten so bad over the past two months that I hate being in my own house. She has always been a nasty person, lived her life making people feel sorry for her and guilting them into doing everything for her. Then after having people do everything for her, talking about them behind their backs and saying nasty things about them. She is that bitch in high school that was your best friend to your face, then talked about you and spread rumors as soon as you turned your back. So for 8 months I just dealt with it, cuz that is the way she has always been. But that all changed when I heard her on the phone with a cousin telling her that "Well, you know - she just does the best she can" She was talking about me! I couldn't believe it. I have given up everything to take care of her. I cancelled my 20th anniversary vow renewal last August, I didn't vacation for the past 18 months, I had to start working part-time instead of full-time to care for her (lost half my salary too), I only get out once a month to see friends and have taken care of her every daily need. For her to tell people that I am just doing the best I can - I have never wanted to physically harm someone more in my life. I decided at that moment, I was done letting her off the hook for the nasty things she says, and I confronted her. She refused to apologize or to see that what she said was hurtful - all she would say is that I am too sensitive and that it was a compliment. So every since then, her nasty comments about me or other family members is met by me telling her I won't listen to this and I walk away.
Last Thursday, I was awoken at 2:00am by her moaning. I walked into her room and found her on the floor in a pool of blood and urine. She had fallen trying to get to the bathroom, hit her head on the floor, gashed open her forehead and was totally out of it mentally. With my husbands help we got her back in bed, cleaned her up and tended her wound. Called hospice to make sure there wasn't anything else to do and then I stayed up all morning with her. She was out of it till Friday evening and then finally started to come around. Turns out she had stopped taking one of her medications, she was throwing it away when I gave it to her. Well, this medication is the one that replaces her liver enzymes and prevents toxins from building up in her blood. So the toxins built up, she lost her mind and become very confused, and fell...... Long story short, (cuz I could go on and on), she accused me of messing up her medications, not only did she accuse me, but she started telling family members that I was giving her more medication than she was suppose to take and it was MY fault she fell. She now keeps a log, and ever time I give her the medications, she writes down what I gave her, how much and at what time. I have never been more insulted in my life. I am the only reason she is still alive, it is my care, my feeding her, my cleaning her, my efforts that have given her this extra time with her family and she is treating me like shit. Sunday we had another fight, again she was being just awful and I told her she wasn't allowed to talk to me like that in my house. She refuses to take any responsibility for her words, her actions and the way she makes people feel. Her response is always, "your just too sensitive" or "you toke it the wrong way".
Making the situation worse is the fact that my husband will not stand up for me. He just says she has always been like this, and she won't change. Well, that is fine, but I don't have to continue to allow someone to treat me like shit in my house.
With that all said, How do I stand up to my husband and his family and tell them she is not allowed to continue to be in my house? I feel terrible, I feel like a horrible person throwing a dying person out, but I have had it. It would be a totally different situation if she just once appreciated everything I have done for her, her daughter and everything I have had to give up. But she refuses to see anything I do in any thankful way.
Wow - I really needed to vent. :)

Bhenson -- I can understand why you hardly cried when your mother died. I'm seeing my Mom die before my eyes each day. When it's over, will there be any tears left?

Ohiodaughter-- like your Mom, mine is sweet and loving. When she does die I know I will feel sadness and shed some tears, but I will also feel relieved. This is no way to live because it's not living--it's simply existing on both of our parts.

I am a caregiver for my mother and was a caregiver for my father. My dad died in 2007 of an infection/ due to dehydration and he was also diagnosed with Alzheimers. I know that he was suffering as his kidneys were shutting down due to the dehydration (neglect caused when I put him and my my Mom in assisted livng for 14 days for respite). And yes, I wanted him to die because I knew he was suffering. And he did die although not under the best of circumstances. My Mom was declining during his illness and was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Her dementia is very different from my Dad's. Although she is sweet and cooperative ,(as my Dad was altho he just wanted to be left alone) I feel I am waiting for her to die (but she is physically healthy) so I can go on with my life. She really can't do anything without help but she is happy and loving. Yet, I often wish it would all be over. I agree with the other posts that this is a very human feeling. I believe , the fatigue and weariness of a caregiver cannot be understood unless one actually goes through it. Blessings to all of you who are going through this.

What a wonderful thread.

A couple of things come to mind that I would like to comment on.

1.) The idea of "it would kill me to put my loved one into a home" is really not a healthy thought to hold onto. Nor is it a good thought to voice to an elderly loved one. Depending on the physical/mental condition of a loved one it can become necessary. So, better to hold one's tongue. And never say never.

2.) For all her "you'll never get me out of MY house", I never thought my own narcissistic mother would adjust as well as she has to Assisted Living. Now, how the other residents have adjusted to HER may be a different story....

3.) Yes, I have wished a loved one would die. I prayed for a heart attack to just take my husband when he was at end stage with cancer. It didn't happen.

I nursed him throughout his illness at home, pretty much by myself. I had Hospice for the last 10 days, but they didn't come often or stick around when they did come. They checked him, assisted me with bed-bathing him and changing bedding and left. He was comatose for his final 5 days. As I had written elsewhere, his final words to me were "no hospital" - which is what I had promised him.

4.) Yes, now I have wished that my mother would just go peacefully of a heart attack. But it is a whole different thing. She is 93 and has led a long life. She has Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson's Disease.

Thanks to all who shared their story,
Deeana

He did not want to be hospitalized because he did not want to receive any further treatment other than pain medication. He specifically did not want antibiotics or any IV fluids. And of course, no CPR.

Dad spent his last minutes with me. My brother (who plus his wife were the primary caregivers) was in the adjacent room and asked me a question. I answered that and Dad escaped...er, passed away...almost immediately afterward. It was as if he were alive and able-bodied and slipped out the patio door when he knew the coast was clear. As much as caregiving must have been stressful on brother and sister-in-law, it was no excuse for the verbal abuse and impatience.
Now I'm a primary CG in stress I hope I never get that way.

In January of 1992, my dad died after a long bout with CHF that had extended to diabetes and eventually near-renal failure. My mom had hung in there like a trooper but when he could no longer stand, he told her that they'd have to change their living arrangements. He was in the hospital waiting for NH placement and to see if dialysis would be the next torture on his menu...
We got the call he'd passed and I WAS SHOCKED.
Why? I had begun to think my beloved daddy wasn't going to get to die! I was closest to him and I knew how bad he longed to just go to his 'long home,' as they say. He'd often said he wasn't going to take his meds so he could hurry it up but knowing the suffering he would endure waiting for the end with a chest full of fluid, he could never do it. He had been a proud and strong man who doted on my mom and never let any do anything for him if he could possibly do it for them, instead. We watched him shrink away in body and spirit.

So, that night, when my mom arrived at my house down the street to go to the hospital together, she and my (now ex) husband were hugging in sorrow in the living room and I was impatiently waiting in the hallway, coat in hand, ready to go wish my dad GODSPEED and celebrate (inwardly) with his own spirit that now he was finally free to 'fly away' home.

I know they thought it a little strange that I did not cry. How could I cry on such a happy occasion as the end of my brave father's misery?

Of course I cried at times later on, and missed him terribly...something which was alleviated when I moved back home to take care of my mom...since his spirit is here with us, I know...but the night he died, I thanked GOD with all my heart for finally taking mercy upon him and taking him away from something that was no longer a life.

I'm a registered nurse (not licensed since I don't work except to take care of my mom) and I worked mostly in geriatrics and medical (chronic and terminal illnesses). There are things far worse than dying as many of us already know.

I speak from a good and loving experience and frankly have no first hand experience of the sort that so many of you wonderful kindred spirits here have had to endure through dysfunction, narcissism, and all the rest of Pandora's box...but I will say with all honesty that I don't see anything wrong with having a desire to see the end that kind of existence, either. Someone who has spent a lifetime making those they are supposed to love and support instead miserable, confused, and resentful, can't really be living, either. I think, in fact, that it must be far worse than spending 3 years dwindling away from CHF or similar...it lasts a lifetime and it must be a painful lot of years to endure...although in a way not as bad because surely they don't even realize they are miserable if they have never been satisfied or content with life. They have nothing to compare it to.

Dying is not the antithesis of living but rather just a phase in continuing existence and depending on what one believes, can actually be a reprieve and a chance to possibly do it again in a different way...or not...at any rate the end of misery is not something to cry over, imo, no matter the circumstance.

in response to living with Alzheimers, etc. ...we went through that with my mom. It was her biggest fear. She ended up being in nursing home for almost four years and it was awful. She was a DNR, but she held on for so long. It was hearbreaking to watch, and it was worse thinking we wished she would pass. Life is hard on caregivers as well as patients.

My sister and I are thinking that too. I found out today he had his locks changed so no one can get in the house now. He is practically deaf, and cant hear if someone tries to get in now. Life Alert now does not have a key, and when I tried to talk to him about it he just told me to shut up. Its really out of control.