Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Who would want to live with advanced stages of alzhiemer or dementia? I want a life not an existence!

perhaps it is time to put him in the nursing home...

your mom sounds like my dad. He has COPD, smokes cigars all day and is the most negative nasty human being I have ever met. The last time I took him to Dr he was so rude to her she just shrugged her shoulders and stopped trying to talk to him about his illness. She told me to let him smoke, do what he wants, he refuses all help anyway. He has no friends, is 80 years old. I am the only one in the family who has visited in many years. My mom died recently, in a nursing home. My dad refused to visit her for the last 6 months of her illness (Alzheimers). He said she refused to open her eyes or say she loved him so why bother. He also refused to go to her funeral. He is so verbally abusive to me I can barely stand to see him each day. One brother has started coming over since my mothers death, and my dad told him he thinks I steal from him! We have a caregiver there each day, and he told her that too. He is now manipulating everyone to have drama, much as he's done his entire life.

Standingalone, your story is just heartbreaking you shouldn't have to live this way! Is there anyway your mother can go to a nursing home? Even if it means Medicaid, surely it's time - it sounds like you've given more than you had to give for a very long time.

Do I wish my mom would die? Yeah. Sometimes.

In another post I mentioned that my mom had fallen and broken a femur. She went to the hospital, then into a rehab facility. She ended up falling at the rehab center and breaking her wrist, and got sent back to the hospital, was treated for an infection and the wrist, then sent back to rehab. And that's where she's been as of 5 p.m. tonight.

I'll be honest. The time, about two weeks now, that my mom has been away in the hospital/rehab has been the most peaceful I've known in years. After 10 years, I feel I've done right by my mom. She has everything she could want or need, she's clean, her clothes are fresh, her room is fresh and clean, her bedding is crisp, I cook great meals for her that are delicious and healthy, I wait on her, running back and forth all day and night getting her this or that, or whatever. If she gets up, which is almost constantly, I have to get up, too, or God knows what she'll do or get into. I'm like the cat in a room full of rocking chairs when she's around. From early in the morning, till late at night, sometimes on into the next morning, she needs or wants something, always something, and I can't relax. I can't rest. I can't sleep. I can't get out of this house. My ass hasn't warmed a chair for more than 5-10 minutes at a time in as long as I can remember. She literally is calling for someone, or needs something, every few minutes. The times she's fallen were when I was either in the shower, or in bed asleep. For a long time I associated sleep with bad things happening, and then I found I couldn't freaking sleep even if I wanted to. Every single second, of every single day, is spent watching out for my mother so she doesn't do something stupid or dangerous, or trying to figure out what in the world she wants. One night she called me out of bed 4 times, all for trivial things, like needing one extra ice cube in her drink. Or, waking me up to get her a yogurt at 2 a.m. As I said, it's literally always something. It never, ever ends. My days are just a blur. Half the time I don't even know what day it is, if it's a week day or a weekend. I'm so exhausted and fuzzy that I wake up that way and stay that way. I can't remember the last time I actually felt energized.

Did I mention the screaming and wailing we all get to listen to at least several times a week? Before, I could kind of interpret what my mom was saying, or trying to say, even when her alzheimers and dementia started getting really bad. Now, it's so bad that I literally can't make heads or tails out of what my mom is trying to get at. It's simply pure gibberish, with a word or two here and there that I'll catch and understand, but that's about it. I try my best to be patient, I mostly just stand there and listen, maybe give her a nudge or prompt once and awhile, but anymore it's almost impossible for me to get it. And when she realizes that I can't understand, she flips her lid. She will sob, loudly, and wail, and moan, and scream...she can, I swear, keep that up for 2-3 days at a time. She just won't...stop. Off and on, all day, all night, she's yelling, and wailing at the top of her lungs, or she sits there moaning and crying, and I swear it literally sounds like someone being tortured. I cringe just thinking about it right now. There is no place I can go to get away from it. One night I couldn't stand it anymore and I ended up going outside and walking up the street. Our windows were cracked and I could here her up the drive way. It's insane. By the time she's done with one of those jags...and there are usually at least a couple a week...I'm wiped out. I'm so edgy it feels like I'm going to come out of my skin any second. I can't sit still, I'm anxious, nervous, and utterly and totally miserable. I'm so far in the dark sometimes after having to deal with that mess that it feels like I will never know anything light, or joyful, or pleasant, or anything at all peaceful, ever again. At those times I feel so trapped, I feel such a sense of desperation to REMOVE myself from the situation it's ungodly. And I have no place to run. I have to do this. There isn't anyone but me. And I loath every single second of it.

I'm sitting here thinking of my mom coming home again when rehab is done, and I'll be honest. I feel a dread that I can't find words for. I feel like I want to run screaming into the night at the thought of it. I want to curl into a little ball and beg whatever powers that be not to torture me anymore, I've done my 'duty' for 10 years, I'll be good, I promise, just please, please, please, please, don't make me do this again... I feel like I should be gibbering in a corner somewhere, babbling in total panic at the mere thought of it. I can't do justice to this kind of dread with words. And that's sad as hell. But there it is. I don't want to deal with my mother anymore, not for one more minute of one more day. This whole situation has twisted me so badly I'm worried I won't ever recover. The person that walked into this damn sure isn't the person that'll walk out of it.

Do I want my mom to die? Sometimes. Yeah. Because doing what's right for her has cost me. Right now, this minute, with my house quiet and peaceful and beautiful for the first time in ages, thinking of how it's going to be when my mom comes back here makes me shudder and cringe. It's absolutely unbearable. I honestly don't want to deal anymore. I want to get ON with my LIFE. That life I gave up, that life I'd like to live, instead of just freaking exist in, because that's all I'm doing. I'm not even human anymore. I'm just an extension of this old woman that's my mother, a convenient extra hand and pair of legs to run around and cater to her many, many, never ending needs. I don't need a name, I don't need a face, I don't need brains, I don't need to talk, I don't need to do a goddamn thing except do for my mother, day in, day out, year after endless year. You think I want to go BACK to that? I'd be a liar if I said I did. No, I don't necessarily want my mother to die, although why she'd want to live when she's never been the least bit pleased with anything, or satisfied or happy with anything, is beyond me, but I just don't want to be the one that has to deal with her. I don't want to do this anymore. I will NEVER do this again, not for anyone, unless it's one of my sons. I'm afraid of people now. Why? Because I'm scared to death they're going to TAKE even more of me somehow. Crazy, I know. But I've had one toe over the line into crazy for a long time now. This has taken so much out of me I don't know if I'll ever have a single thing to ever give to anyone again. And that's pretty sad, too, but there it is. I just want my part in this to be over. Am I selfish? Oh yeah. I feel very, very selfish. And I really don't care at this point. I simply want to take care of MYSELF for a change. In the peace and quiet. Yeah, baby. Peace and quiet. There's nothing more beautiful. Especially when you don't have any. lol

Belle, I realize your post was a few weeks ago, but couldn't the doc move your mom from the hospital to a nursing home? This way it is not YOU who has to do it, it's the doc. My mom is pushing 90, has a host of self-imposed physical problems, and dementia. Every day she wants to be more and more helpless. I push back and tell her that if she cannot or will not walk, she has to go to a nursing home. If she cannot or will not get out of bed, she has to go to a nursing home. If she will not allow me to bathe her, then the home health care people who come from time to time will tell the state, and the state will come and put her in a nursing home. I cannot lift her to put her in a wheelchair, and frankly, she needs to be walking. There is no reason she can't, she just doesn't want to. After we have our little "chats" she reluctantly gets up and walks (with her walker) to the bathroom or the living room, etc. I would never harm her, but there are times I wish she'd end up in the hospital (which she does from time to time) from where the doc could move her to a nursing home. Then she'd be there and it wouldn't be because we "put" her there.

My family takes care of both Mom & Dad. Dad tries a lot harder to be independent, and he is cheerful and appreciates our help (most of the time). Mom is cranky and nasty and verbally abusive.

You do NOT owe your mother your life, no matter what she says.

I did not exactly wish Dad would die per se but I did feel sad for him being in such an unpleasant and undignified state in his final weeks. (He had hallucinations, lots of anxiety - and whe had to change his diapers) I liked thinking of him reuniting with his loved ones and riding his horse "across those endless skies."

On the other hand, I miss him terribly. :(

oh by the way, I really believe that so many elderly people are unhappy that it HAS to be related to the lack of dopamines and serotonin. I imagine the brain slows down making that too as you progress. I know for my dad, it has made a huge difference. I would recommend that all of these folks who are so miserable consider having them evaluated. There is no reason they can't be somewhat less miserable. One can hope.

I have a question about the weekend visits part of this thread. My father has recently gone to NH. His insulin levels have been regulated but he has dementia now. In the beginning he was so upset that I went up all the time. Every other day or so and also because I was getting his room setup. I started to dread going because I am a softie and will feel guilty and move mountains to make someone happy if I can. I was extremely confused about whether I should move him in with me but I can't afford it. I would read on here how exhausting it is. My father has spent most of his life angry and can can be cruel and sometimes violent. He was so agitated when he first went in with the diabetic shock that he scared the personnel. They placed him in a behavioral hospital and started giving him depakote and anxiety meds which are for bi-polar disorder. He is like a different person now. He got really upset when he got to the NH and they further prescribed anti-depressants and he actually has chilled out and smiles more than I have ever seen him. he still doesn't like being there. Back to the visits. Since I was starting to dread going up there I stayed away for a bit longer like 4 days. Since I was there reminding of the outside world, he was blending in and getting more settled to the routine. He said nothing about leaving that time. I was amazed. I have since noticed bowel incontinence and I now know that even though I feel guilty, he needs 24/7 care and I can't do it. He is getting stronger physically and can get around better than he was before. I am thankful for the nursing home. It is like dorm living or hotel but it's better than him living alone. My question is this: I'm afraid of bringing him home on the weekends that I won't be able to get him to go back. @jobdennis, do you think it's beneficial for them to have that small break of freedom or will it interrupt his progress. I don't want him to get his hopes up and dash them every weekend that he is home with me. That would be like breaking his heart and I don't know if I can handle it? Since the visiting thing was counter to what I thought I should do, I am now questioning the weekend visits. Holidays and such of course I would have him. what do you think?

I can sympathize with so many of the situations. My Mom was "kind and helpful" whenever someone needed a hand, after an illness, needed a little extra help with their groceries to feed their children, etc. However, she is also extremely narcissistic, in her 90s with dementia, osteoporosis, confined to a wheelchair, yet very unkind and demanding to her aides and to me, which did NOT begin with dementia. I have finally learned to leave her room at the first sign that she is "pushing my buttons". I tell her that when she can speak nicely to me I'll return for another visit. Since she is in the early-mid stage of dementia, she can still understand why I'm leaving and she will try to be "nicer" for a day or two. When she returns to her old behaviors, I again tell her why I'm leaving, tell her I love her and that I'll see her again in a day or two. Unfortunately, I have no control over how she treats those who help her day in and day out; my admiration for these people and their patience is great...I don't know how they do it. No one here should feel guilty; ours is a tough situation indeed. You are in a safe and supporting place on this site!

No one with any compassion can day in and day out be able to endure what care givers endure without the Grace of God. It seems every day I ask that the Lord be merciful and to not let my husband keep on going like he is. He is not angry all the time, only when he wants to get up out of bed and I'm not able to do this all the time. I am trying to make each day as easy on him as possible. Hospice allowed me to take a 5 day respid just recently, and to tell you the truth, part of me hated to come back to reality. I truly needed it, and am hoping that the Lord will not tarry much longer. I use to say to my husband, we're going together and I wasn't going to be left here without him. If the Lord decides for my husband and I to join Him when He comes to get the church, then I say let it happen! If not, then keep me strong and allow me to serve You at least till You do come Lord.

Does anyone really want to live with the ravishes that advanced states of Alzhiemer and dementia does to a human being, loss of dignity and no quality of life? The 24/7 care for these individuals is beyond what one person can do. Death is more acceptable for both the individual and the one caring for them.

In 2005, my mother passed away. So did two of my pet ferrets - all within six months.

I miss the weasels a whole lot more.

If you don't like ferrets, they do have one big thing in common with other animals: they don't judge; they can't give so-called constructive criticism; they'll never call you a "weirdo..." (Ninety percent of anything you may have heard about ferrets being mean or dangerous to people is urban legend; eight percent due to their owners' not knowing how to train or handle them; two percent applies to the rest of the domestic corner of the animal kingdom).

I always knew I'd feel some sadness at Mum's passing, despite knowing it'd bring much relief, because a) her abuse was "only" because of mental disorder(s) rather than evil, and c) nobody should have to be in the position to look forward to a parent's passing.

I'm not sure it's possible to be a long-term caregiver for a loved one and never have that feeling zing through one's mind, especially during times of stress or when the elder/disabled person is abusive.

My grandpa who has dementia is a bully to me. I am his full time (weekday) caregiver. I care for him at his own home. I have to walk around the house in trepidation that he may attack me. He has violent outbursts. Everyday he verbally attacks me and puts me down. He complains that I put toothpaste on his toothbrush, how I put it, and tells me to never do it again that he is not a child. He asks me everyday "Why don't you work?" even though I've been taking care of him for quite some time. My son is afraid of him. He would rather stay at home and have some peace than go to his house. Grandpa is a very challenging person to take care of. Believe it or not, when I actually had a "paying job" it was alot easier compared to this caregiving hellhole. Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs out there. You must be thickskinned and guard your feelings otherwise you won't survive the job. Tip: always go outside and get fresh air to help relax you. It works for me!

With 161 answers before mine, I doubt the original poster will see this. But, hopefully someone here will get what I'm saying.

My Mother had many of the illnesses and challenges the original poster's Mom had and more. There were times when I prayed to God to take her. Her suffering was unbearable for her and I can't describe how seeing my Mom go through what she did... how it affected me. Still affects me.

I did the best I could for her. I was there for her. I tried to make her as comfortable and happy as possible.

That's all anyone can do. It's OK to wish peace for someone you love when you see them suffering so. The guilt that comes with the wish for an ending to suffering ... IGNORE it. You are doing right. Your heart is in the right place.

Anyone that watches a loved one suffer and doesn't care. That's the scary picture. That's the person that should feel guilty.

I try not to think about how I feel about that, with my mother in her 90's and in good health she could live to be 105. There are times though, that I wonder why my mother worries about herself so constantly when she is so miserable, unhappy, negative and enjoys nothing in life. If I were she, I wouldn't want to live being so unhappy all the time. I have to admit that I do hope that as her dementia progresses she doesn't become almost a vegetable and unaware while her physical health keeps her alive for years in that condition.

I know how all the yrs. of our marriage, I use to tell my husband that we were going to go together. Now that he's been confined to the bed more and more, I see that this may not be, and I so get to feeling guilty also. Than here I am living and walking and having a life, and his life seems like it has just stopped. I get angry sometimes, and then I find myself asking the Lord to be merciful and not to let him suffer any longer than needed. My whole world seems to have just turned upside down planning for things I never could have imagined myself doing. How do we get through this? I am so empty sometimes, and even though we talk, and he smiles and puts his one arm around me I so cherish these moments, and tears just roll down my face as I sit here writing this. I just don't want to lose him, but I know that there is a perfect healing and freedom for not just him, but for all of those who are trapped in their bodies. It is okay to want to let them go, or ask the Lord to take them home. Why would He mind if we wanted better for them than what they have now. I know that this too shall pass, but it is so hard.

I too, often wish Mom would die peacefully in her sleep. I don't wish it because she's a burden. I wish it because I do not want to put her in a home. It would kill me to do that. Plus if Mom realized what she's become, she would be mortified. She's told me a few times that she would rather be dead than have AD.

To some it sounds horrible to wish death on a parent or loved one. But, I don't feel guilty over these feelings. I feel this way because I love her so damn much.

we had been caring for my mother at her home for 9 years after her 2nd husband died.thankfully after having been with him for over 10 yrs she had a different mindset than she did when we were growing up .mom always said how she should just kill herself all the time when things were said or done that she didnt like. when my dad died 3 weeks after my daughter i knew that i could not be around her without doing her physical harm if she said anything nasty about them so i stayed away 8 yrs. giving her up for that time also stopped any of my sibling from talking to me. but mentally i could only handle my own grief. when my husband died of cancer they couldnt understand why i did not get in touch with them.it was hard going back but i discovered that moms personality had changed. (i was the one picked out to take her rath) Mom has a personality disorder too. still all 4 of us took turns going to her house to take care of her , making sure she ate and took her medicine and had company every nite. my sisters daughter started coming in the daytime as moms dementia got worse. It was a hard decision to put her in a home as we felt guilty for doing so. But it got to be that she would not do anything for herself. not even bathing. she wouldnt do it for us either. she has been in the nursing home for 5 months now. we still take turns seeing her every day for a few hours. she doesnt know if anyone saw her the day before. everyday seems like years to her.
but now she is in the nursing home all of us have had some peace of mind and can enjoy our visits with her. I had surgury at the beginning of this year and couldnt drive for 3 months. mom didnt even realize that i had not been there.
i also have wished that God would take her out of her misery but really she is no more miserable than she had been before the dementia.
but in the home she is safer and has the care she needs and we have peace of mind. we also know the worst is to come and pray we can handle it when she doesnt know who we are.
God will take her when her time on earth is done and not a moment earlier. this disease has brought us kids more together than we were ever allowed to be growing up. so some good has come of it. Just love your parents as long as you can.

Do not feel guilty about wishing your mother could go to a better place. You can't change the way you feel only the way you act. don't be too hard on yourself.

Treadingwater, sorry you loss your mom recently n thank you for sharing your story. I had done the same with my husband's dad when he was n hospital on a oxygen n spitting up blood due to cancer. Everyone their were praying for him to hold on n it was just too painful to watch. He would gasp then stop n the family would all start crying. Then he gasp again for air n they tell him to fight n this went on n on for what seemed to be a lifetime. My husband was taking it really hard n he wasn't saying anything but tears. I silent prayed to take this man n take away all his pain for the sake of himself n the family. Then he passed. "Praying for peace n no pain," is great advice n the hospice idea. That is why this site is such great place to visit. We have some people that understand n have already walked those shoes.

Eddie, I agree 100%! That is just pure evil n selfish-greed to wish for that just to get their possession!!!!
Southernyank, sorry to hear the nurse notice some signs of Ad. You are in my prayers.

My Mother just passed away on March 2nd at 11:55 Pm. Dementia had taken it's ugly toll on her and she could no longer move, swallow or talk. I spent a week in the gentle care of Hospice with her 24/7.......watched as she struggled to breath and wiped her brow as she fought off the tremors and finally fever on her last day. The last night the nurse said that her heart and lung functions had not changed in the past few days so I should go home and take a break. I told them that I knew the end was near and didn't want her to die alone. At 11:30 I got my "futon" ready to sleep on and said really loudly for the first time "Good Night Mom". Then I laid down and prayer that God would take her because she had suffered enough. Now, I am not a very religious person but I think I am reformed. Not 5 minutes later I heard her take a deep sigh.....then another softer sigh I went to her bedside and she took one more soft sigh and she had passed. I didn't cry because my prayer had been answered. Her suffering was over.............
To get to my point, NO, don't feel guilty about wanting your mom to go....When God is ready he/she will take her. Just pray for peace and no pain....
If possible consider Hospice care ---It was the best decision I ever made for her.

when my bather from hospice came today, she said she noticed some symptoms of dimentia/alhiezmers. i have no idea what course this stroke will finally take, but i pray he will be as much without pain and discomfort as possible. whatever it takes i'm in for the duration y'all. it's only been since nov. 20th, of last yr. and sometimes it feels like a yr.

Now that u two put it that way, that makes more sense. For I am guilty of wishing my mil will pass soon for u can tell she is not happy n slipping away more each day in confusing with moderate alz. Their is a time where we just have to let go n let it be what it is n when the time is right it will come, I guess.

If we honestly want their suffering to end, I don't see anything wrong with it. ... But if we wish they'd hurry up and keel over their cream of potato soup to swoop down on their worldly possessions, that's not wrong either. It's outright immoral.

Sandfox, I couldn't agree with you more. We don''t wish someone dead but instead, wish them peace and no pain. It's completely different in my opinion.

Bhenson, you said, " It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. " I think this is a very normal process that you describe. It is a kind of emotional preparation for us to let go of those who spent enough time on this earth and will be much better off when they shed the body they are trapped in. I'm going through this process right now. It's really not about "wishing they would die" which we are conditioned to think is "wrong" in this culture. The culture is wrong. It's about being kind enough to stop demanding that they "stay the course" and try to prolong life almost forever, another cultural conditioning. The medical profession would have you think that unless you try extreme efforts to prevent the inevitability of death, that you are a bad person. Hopefully, I think this attitude is changing.

I feel very relieved when I read everyone's posts. I am not alone. Dementia is so cruel. I thought I was the only one that prayed for my Mom to be at peace. Some days she is almost cheerful, and others, she's everything that everyone has mentioned. I am her only caregiver, and it has nearly cost me my job, my health is terrible, and I see no way out.
My love and hugs to all of you who are caregivers. We are not alone.

I guess unlike many, my mom went real quick. she was put in a hospice house after a massive stroke and 2 days later went to be with the Lord. Now, i am in a place of seeing my husband suffer after having a massive stroke which has left him paralyzed on the left side along with his shoulder being dislocated. Also, his mind has been effected to the degree of having hallucinations. I have been going through this for the last 2 and a half months, with the last month at home with a bather twice a week and a pt and nurse all from home health. All this to say, he has regressed so much, and we're trying rehab at a NH facility in hopes that he will regain some much needed weight and strength. At the same time I have become completely drained, both physically and emotionally with his not only being bed bound ;unless PT got him out of bed and that was only 2 or 3 times during the whole time of 10 visits, but also the lack of sleep I found myself asking the Lord if you won't heal his mind then just take him home. I know he would not want to remain here if he really knew how he was. he is my life and has been for the last 18 yrs. I don't think it is wrong for us to want our loved ones to go and be where they will no longer feel anymore pain or discomfort. signed, southernyankee