I am an only child..In 2015 my father passed away at the age of 88. Immediately I packed up my life and moved back home to assist my mom as she cannot live alone. I now know why my poor pops never made it out alive. Currently she has somewhat managed CHF, COPD,, melanoma x2, invasive breast cancer, which she did chemo and radiation for. It came back and in 2017 I nursed her back from a double mastectomy… emptying drains every 2 hrs and changing dressings. She wouldn’t allow a nurse in the house. She thinks everyone wants to steal from her. She has to ingest 24 pills every day to stay alive and has oxygen at home that is also used daily. She’s had it all. Yet she continues to steam roll through life, purposefully trying to hurt me as often as she can. She looks at me with absolute hate in her eyes. She twists things to relatives and paints me as a horrible daughter who I remind her of constantly of my “grifting, deceased father”. Her words, not mine. She wakes up ready with an argument and anger on 100. Granted she was always a fire cracker. Always a narcissist. I'm sorry I’m here complaining but I am just broken. Beyond broken. All of the childhood abuse has come back to me full circle. Aside from the hitting, pinching and pulling my nose, my hair…..That all ended with high school….somehow she learned to put the brakes to the physical abuse The damage was already done though. I think she knows I won’t take it. I’m in my 40s now so maybe that’s why. Anyhow I appreciate this forum. There are days I cry my eyes out feeling so alone And then I find myself daydreaming of the day she is gone….but the guilt of such a sinful thought takes me right back to reality. Year 6 y’all. I’ve actually read posts from people who have lost their mother and wish it were me. I have to ask God every night to forgive my sinful thoughts. Hoping for peace and maybe some love eventually. Both long term relationships I’ve had ended because they were abusive ( go figure ) so now I choose to be alone. I don’t trust my “desperation for love” decisions so I’m much safer alone. Aside from that because of her wealth anyone I would bring home will be fully investigated. She threatens to remove me from a full inheritance as her nieces and nephews would be much more deserving and appreciative. Again her words. I feel as though she is resentful of me and my good health. Imagine your own mother constantly telling you….you MUST have cancer, you PROBABLY have high blood pressure, THAT has to be a blood clot etc. And the thing is I am a health nut. I don’t eat certain foods and have weighed the same weight since high school. Probably too sad to even want to eat most days…don’t drink alcohol and am in bed every night by 10:30pm. I feel she would love for me to be sick. Isn’t that crazy? Ahhh what a life. Relatives and others are hateful towards me because of her money. I just cannot win. People looking in think I am so fortunate because of all that she has amassed but little do they know her daughter’s struggle is very, very real….
I wish I had more concrete solutions to offer you but stay tuned on this site cause there are many on here who will probably have better answers for you.
Don't give up!
I know you say you feel guilty and you think wanting her to die is sinful. Who wouldn't, given what you've said. You are enmeshed in a situation that has robbed you of your self-esteem. You think you have no self worth. Well who would in a situation such as you described.
Are you staying because of the money? You say she's promised it to others anyway. So what's in this for you? Some misguided sense of duty and obligations to someone from what you've said never deserved it in the first place?
Please make arrangements to leave. Then go get yourself some counselling to discover why you've allowed your mother and others to mistreat you for so long. You're only in your forties. It's not too late to start over.
She threatens with the inheritance.