My brother is my mom's baby and he moved in with my mother because he was in a major financial situation and would have been homeless otherwise. My mother had just lost her husband. She and my dad had been together since my mom was 14 and my dad was 16, so 55+ years. Mom would have been alone for the first time in her life. As my mom aged and has more health issues she needed help. So I quit my job and moved to her city and into her home to help her with day to day living. My struggle is that my mom adores my brother and sees him doing no wrong and defends him with everything. My brother has hurt me to the core and my mother defends him to the end. I just need to make some peace with this to continue caring for my mom.
Thanks in advance for any advise.
Perhaps you moved in too early? You don't mention your mothers health challenges or her age. 70s? Do you have a job? Did your mom ask for your help? The boundaries sound like a mess. If your mom is competent and chooses your brother, it's her choice. Does mom have her legal documents in order? This situation will only get worse. If mom needs you she needs to put it in writing in a care contract and in a POA for health and finance. Are there other siblings? If she's not willing to do that, then understand that while she may enjoy your help she doesn't feel it's necessary to the point of excluding your brother. If she's on hospice then you might be able and willing to put up with a lot but if she is in relatively good health, IMHO, you should move out.
Its good of you to move in and take care of your mom. I know its hard when your brother is not doing his fair share. Because your mom is not bothered by his behaviour, I feel like there is almost nothing that can be done. We cannot tell our parents how to feel about one child over another. I know its not fair and its not right either. I really struggled with this as well with my own siblings.
For myself, I wish I had tried counselling sooner or joined a support group. I needed something to help me understand my own feelings. Because as time went on I just become more angry and resentful about this. I wish I had found a better way to cope with my thoughts and feelings.
I hope your mom has given you some validation and acknowledgment of your efforts as well. If you feel it is becoming too much, don't hesitate to look at other options. Moving out, hiring a caregiver or eventually your mom might have to look at assisted living or nursing home.
So you and your brother are living with your mother? Who is supporting this household? Did you get a job? Did your brother?
Does your mother have assets? If so, does the will or trust favor your brother? Are there any other siblings?
Just curious to get a bigger picture of your situation...
I wish I had been more forceful with my mother at the beginning of this, insisting that if she has so much extra money that she can support him that she use that money for her care instead. Instead of me working full time and then coming home and taking care of her all evening and weekends, she could take the $500 a month she was using to pay his bills every month to hire someone to care for her on the weekends or more evening hours.
If you can find it in yourself to be forceful with her, you need to find a way to get her to make the workload more equitable or if she has money, make the compensation fair for the work performed or you need to get out of the situation
And face the fact that he will always be her golden child and you will always be Cinderella, working amongst the fireplace ashes and not appreciated for it.
One thing that I started to do is speak my mind, though, I don't see that it helps. When I see the golden boy causing conflict, being greedy, creating a nuisance, etc. I say it out loud. I don't witch about it, but, I am just very pragmatic. I even use humor at times to showcase the absurdity of the situation. My parents not only lay down and get walked over, THEY CALL UP THE PERSON and ask them to come over so they can get walked over. lol
I would like to clarify a few things. My mother is 85 years old and is in reasonably good health. Her memory is a bit troubling, but that is to be expected. She is also financially in good shape. She absolutely needs things done for her on a day to day basis as I'm sure everyone can understand.
My mom asked me for several years to come move in with her (since my father died) and it has always been expected of me to do so from my brother and other 3 siblings. My mom and I were always so close. But I must say that didn't want to move in any sooner than I had to because I knew I was in it for the long haul.
My brother (who needed her help, but doesn't any more) is now doing fine financially. I did not want to move here because I did not want to live with my brother (who sits in his room all day and only comes out when its time to eat). But when I realized that my mom was taking care of him rather than vise versa, I felt I needed to come help.
My biggest concern still is my mothers well being and I haven't mentioned that my brother is storing boxes in the attic for his move out, but won't tell anyone his plans.
The bottom line is my mother wants to live in this house that she has so many memories with my father. My mom has asked me to take care of her final wishes. She has also asked me to take care of her newest love that has totally taken her heart. Her dog, Terra.
Any time I have mentioned my brothers and their lack of involvement, it usually results in her yelling to the point that she's shaking, and I'm worried she will burst her brain aneurysm. I am supposed to be totally on-board with saving the inheritance (coupons and specials and going places for specials), even though the inheritance is split four ways.
If she had been giving money to one of my brothers, I would have had nothing to do with her care. Well, I like to say that! I'm resentful enough as it is, because I don't like my mother. I have been forced into my caregiving role. Thank goodness it is not much at this point, compared to what most on this site do! She will NEVER live in my home, and I will NEVER wipe her butt.
The first year and a half I was here I was more angry than I had ever been, and I'm 55 years old and raised 3 children by myself. So thats pretty angry!
I think what gets me the most is how my 3 brothers, my sister, and my mom thinks that there is absolutely no problem and that I am just stirring up drama.
His wife ripped my mother off blind and I'm sure my brother had something to do with it too. Yet mom still gives him money. I don't get it, he never helps her, just hurts her and she loves him to death.
Moms husband died and I could see Mom needed the help, so I moved in. I regret every second. Don't get me wrong I love Mom She's 87 now and she's diabetic. I have 5 other brothers and none of them want to learn about diabetes. I ran off the brothers wife, but he still sneaks her in. I'm about ready to have a nervous breakdown. Then I'm not any good for anyone.
If your brother is storing boxes in the attic and is preparing to move, then, why wouldn't that be a good thing?
Your mom can verbally ask that you do this or that with her assets, house or pets, but, it needs to be done in writing, in order to be legal. Has she appointed you her Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I'd insist she appoints someone, since, it creates a lot of hardship on the family member if she becomes sick, incompetent, bedbound, etc. Getting those documents properly signed would be a big relief. And, if there are plans for her estate, she might want to put that in a Will too. She can consult with the attorney on that too. If her memory is failing, I wouldn't hesitate. You have to be competent, to sign those documents.