Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.
My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.
In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.
She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.
I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.
Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)
I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.
This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.
She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."
She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.
I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.
Do you live with your mother to take care of her? It took me 20 years to tell my mother that if my health keeps going downhill from dealing with her bad temper and demands that I will have to stop taking care of her all together. Of course, she does not think that possible, but I am at my wits end too.
Tell your mother if she can get along without you, try! I can't stand when my mother doesn't talk to me and ignores me, it gets me sick. But, I have been told that if you hold your ground for a couple of days, they will come around because they know they need you. If you can do it, good luck. I couldn't.
Hang in there,
Marylynne
You are at the right place-since I'v been here I am no longer depressed. Taking her to a doc is the right way to start. It sounds like she needs counseling but she probably would refuse; after all she thinks the problem is with you. You tell yourself you DO NOT deserve to be treated like. I have been told that people usually treat the ones they are dependent on the worse- I can not understand why that is-I wish I could find a book that explains why that is I would like to be able to understand it. It is so hard for many of us to stand up for ourselves but if you are able to take baby steps and hang tough it will get easier -it may be very hard but she only has you people like her usually don't have friends-those her age do not want to be around glum people esp. when you are older. Dear lady keep commming back to this site- you are in my heart and mind.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
My Mother lived with me for 6 years with advanced emphysema. I left my kids(grown) and life in Maryland and moved to Arizona to take care of her. I had to work full time (and went to college) while we lived together. She did NOT want to live with me at first. She was given a choice by Hospice to live with me or be placed in a facility. We had our ups and downs also, but when she was nasty and petty to me, that was the hardest times! I used to get her a lot of snacks like cheese and crackers, fruit, yogurt, things she could get and eat herself for the times I was late getting home to feed her. I actually got her a portable fridge for her room so she could keep everything handy. She was on oxygen and at times found it hard to walk to the kitchen. She sometimes would still call my brother or sister and tell them she was hungry, which turned into "Gina is starving our mother" and created a hostile environment but we got through it. I knew that I HAD to keep a private life though, my boyfriend actually moved to Az with me. He is a different race, which created a whole other set of tensions. It is a struggle to keep a personal life but you have to, no matter how your mom reacts. I could go on and on! My Mom passed away a year ago and I will say that through all the family drama we had together it was worth it.
Take care of yourself first!
Gina
Carol
It's almost like they need to be given boundaries as they get older..if they don't have any, they get terribly mean. My dad did as well before he died.
You do realize that your mother's medical conditions are more than likely self-inflicted--products of her obesity. My bet is that she is somewhat like my mother, filled with bitterness and eating herself to death.
You need to move out. If that is not possible you need to look you mother in the face every time she is disrepectful and tell her that you are not going to stand being spoken to in that manner. The guilt is just a way of tying you as close to her as possible so that she can control every aspect of your life. Let her get he own meals and do her own housework. It will be healthy for her to have some activity.
Get your own place, get free. See your mom on a regular basis to help-if she will treat you with respect. Watch an old movie called Now Voyager with Betty Davis. It will inspire you. Good luck.
Nobody deserves to be disrespected, and if a person realizes they will lose their "target" and all the help that goes with having this person around, if they don't change, they will change. You have to be firm and consistent, though, or it won't work. This is your life you are talking about. This is important. Please stand up for yourself.
Carol
Carol
Cost and quality of services is a huge factor in assisted living. In my area, quality is anywhere from "good" to "When can I move in?" However, cost is factor, and with our health system, it's unfortunately harder to get help with assisted living costs than nursing homes, if the elder doesn't have a lot of assests.
Assisted living can cost less than a lot of hours of in-home, however.
Good to hear it's working so well for you.
Carol
Like you my mother has tried to control me by making me feel bad about anything I do for myself. I could not keep my mother in my house nor live with her because of the word/mind controling hateful things she would say that hurt very deeply. Mother is in an nursing home, near by, where I control the visits and phone calls. If she gets ugly with me I leave. Mother is in a wheel chair and can walk if she has help but not by herself. I'm the only one in the family that will even try and take care of her. You must take control of your life and what is happening. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Terri
You need to keep standing up for yourself and letting her know it is not allright to treat you the way she has been-keep telling yourself you should be treated with respect-it was very hard to let others realize I am important and should be respected esp. and mostly the husband he is finally getting it.
Carol
Valerie
My mom now feels less powerless.
Thanks for the insight.
Maybe your mom is afaird of loosing you. I care for my mom. There greast fear is of being left alone. No matter how many times you may tell them differently. You may have heard the saying "Misery love company." I learned quickly to put myself in my moms place. A very hands on women who commanded our family now has her youngest child caring for her. Sure she would say things to me that hurt to the bone. First instinct was to react to what she said. Then I thought about how I would feel if I was her. The answer was scared. Talking with your doctor is a great idea. I know she doesn't want to talk to you but try asking her what is upsetting her. Plan a mother daughter day she can put on a calender. Make it all about her!
Maybe then she will share how she feels. Daughter's are daughters all of our lives. And our mother's like it that way.
I know it will all work out! Best of luck!