Calicaregiver Posted May 2013
Is there chauvinism in the cultural & family dynamics of caregiving?
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This is just an observation. But, I have noticed by reading many of the posts here, it seems that there are very few men involved in the caregiving of their parents or professional caregivers that are men. I commend the men who I have read are involved or directly taking responsibility for their elderly family member. But, I've also noticed many of the male siblings don't seem to give their sisters the help or support the so badly need taking care of mom or dad. What's up with that, and should we encourage change?
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So what about the tattoos etc?
Also, "Some people suck." "Many people suck." You don't suck. I don't suck.
Sorry to be such a girl.
Have just lurked until now, been reading for a few months, and found this board very helpful. Great to read all these stories of what people are going through and realize you're not alone.
A few years ago my husband and I took care of his mother when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My husband took the day shift where he was around to talk to the docs and other medical folks, and I took the night shift where I held her hand, prayed with her, laughed and cried with her, bathed her, changed her diapers, calmed her fears, and respectfully watched over her as she let go of this world and prepared to move on to the next. We took care of her at home in the final weeks and did the day shift/night shift, but my husband left the intimate hands-on care to me out of respect for his mother. When she passed, I held her hand while he paced around fretting that he should be doing something.
My friend, the hospice nurse, said that is rather typical. The men feel like they should be "doing something" and the women are more able to quietly let go.
This is not EVERYONE. I've known women who were useless drama queens when it came to taking care of someone who was unable to care for themselves. I know men who are calm, caring and selfless. I just think that culturally - across cultures - it usually falls to the women.
It would be interesting to know the actual statistical percentages of invested male caregivers compared to female. I tend to think there's a sizable "invisible" population out there because many men - not all, but many - are generally less open/vocal about it than women. I'm sure there are MANY husbands caring for wives, fathers caring for kids, brothers caring for sibs (male AND female), and sons caring for parents. They just don't show up as often on forums like this because they figure, as Jessiebelle said and capnhardass so succinctly put it (LOL), they "don't need no stinkin' emotional support"....which I believe is also pure cultural bs, but that's a whole other topic.
I agree with Jessiebelle, esp. when it comes to sons caring for mothers or brothers caring for sisters, that men probably feel less "comfortable" in the role. I know my husband leaves the more personal aspects of his mother's care in my hands out of respect for her modesty and dignity...AND because he's fortunate enough to have me around to handle that stuff. He's still just as emotionally invested in her care as I am...possibly more...but he'd never admit that to anyone outside the immediate family.
I also agree with Jinx, that there are "nearly as many good-for-nothing sisters" out there. My two SILs are VERY comfortable with maintaining their distance and alleviating whatever shame or guilt they might be harboring over it by offering us the occasional verbal pat on the back..."You're doing a great job"..."You know how much we appreciate it"...."Don't know how you do it". (Grrr..)
Caregiving is a very nurturing, "mothering" kind of role, so it might be that women just fall into it more naturally than men. No man should just conclude that that excuses him from participating in the care of a loved one, but (imo) a certain amount of flexibility should be allowed. Even if he prefers taking a more peripheral role - yard work, "taxi driver", going to the laundromat, handling the bills - it's better than doing nothing at all! All in all, gender and cultural perceptions should NOT exempt ANYone's ethical and moral responsibility.
But there's a story in my family about my newborn brother's first poopy diaper, which horrified my mother and her mother. My father, who had welcomed a baby brother at age 16, stepped right up and handled it with assurance. (He was not one to pass up a chance to assume a starring role.) He was also a wonderful cook. He was also rather sexist.
My sister-in-law, a woman, is so germ-phobic that I don't know how she raised a daughter, but she did. There are nearly as many complaints about good-for-nothing sisters as there are about brothers.
Capnhardass, we all know you can handle any challenge that arises. You hit the nail on the head about the two people involved being the ones to make the decisions.
(DO you have a beard, shaved head and tattoos? That poor dumb nurse was intimidated, that's all.)
PS: How did you know she's a hor? Did she give you her card?
While I was caring for my dad at home my brother didn't help at all and would even say, "I don't know how you deal with that". I thought he should be helping me more but it never occurred to me to ASK for help. He's not a mindreader. Looking back, I wish I would have asked.
My dad eventually went into skilled care and little did I know that my caregiving would not end. It was different now. One day I broke down in tears to my brother, explaining to him everything I had to do regarding our dad's business affairs, the Medicaid application and necessary documents for that, and I told my brother that I couldn't even visit dad without half the staff jumping on me the second I got there wanting this piece of information or that document. I just cried and cried. My brother had no idea all of this was going on and he jumped in that very second and lightened the burden. Now we work like a well-oiled machine together. He takes care of x, y, and z and I take care of 1, 2, and 3. We talk several times a day and it's brought us much closer. I was always crazy about my little brother and now I consider him my very best friend. Yes, we've had our differences of opinions. We've had days when we couldn't stand to talk to one another but we always work it out. He's been a great sounding board and confidant. Now that my dad is very close to death we talk about 5 times a day, we share how our respective visits with dad go, talk about any new concerns, and we are planning the funeral and obituary together. Neither one of us makes a decision without the other one's opinion and at the end of my dad's life we've had to make some difficult decisions.
Actual caregiving, the down and dirty part, may not be up my brother's alley but we've learned what the other's strengths and weaknesses are and proceed accordingly.
I'll never forgot how he stepped in when he realized the stress I was under. I wish I had given him the chance to help me sooner.