Relatives; My mother and father in law are a perfect example of this very issue. As my husband their son drives 8 hours once per week to mow the yard of my mother and father in law he is then met with requests to go mow the yard of the long passed grandmother whose home his mother refuses to sell so we are spending 300.00 each time with gas and food to do this when they could readily employ yard mowers for much less but the mere mention of THEM spending a dime is completely taboo. In the meantime we are hemorrhaging money taking care of their need PLUS caring for my mom who lives with us and has brain cancer. Yes my mom isn't much better but at least I can semi control this as we pay all the bills for her...on OUR dime. Yes I am one NPI number from running a nursing facility! The only difference is I am paying financially and emotionally versus receiving money for any of this. As my father in law only this past Thursday had a head on collision after taking a nitro glycerine for chest pain and passing out behind the wheel now he has broken fingers ribs and a broken ankle in the dead of summer, he and my mother in law had the unmitigated Gall to tell my husband the yards (plural) had to be mowed at least once per week because "mother likes a pretty yard on Sundays" BARF! I say beggars can't be choosers but then I am out of line! My husband has become a habitual rescuer and I am at a loss of what to do! His mother is a hypochondriac who complains obsessively about things that are wrong with her when in actuality she is in very good health for 76 and my father in law who is 84 is actually in very poor health and refuses to accept it. I think the whole bunch should be committed to the local mental hospital for evaluation...but I digress, I do want to be kind and helpful but this is really becoming a financial burden. On top of everything else when the accident occured my mother in laws sis called me very upset asking WHY am I not coming to care for my mother in law because she needs help! I told her well...I work 2 jobs, care for my OWN mom and my child! She has 3 sons so...why is it I have to drop MY life and care for my mother in law? Also, We have a 12 year old daughter who is being deprived of time her dad should be spending with her and I am missing my husband. I can't voice my opinion because then as I mentioned above I am out of line and being "completely negative" I am at a loss. I don't even know how to address this issue it feels complex to say the VERY least and my opinion and wishes are not respected! We are both exhausted I feel we are in a no win situation, now its been a couple of weeks since the accident and my mother in law continues to call with her "problems I personally feel she is addicted to pain meds she has most likely taken all of my father in laws pain meds and HE was the only one hurt in the accident ( I mean really hurt) with true injuries..ok I have complained enough. Now I have to go pick up my mom she spent a week with her mom now she wants to come home so I have to go drive 8 hrs to pick up a woman whose perfectly capable of driving herself but refuses, my mom is a whole other issue in itself! My husband's parents were good parents unlike mine but I still feel this total disconnection with all this rescuing . It feels like a lot of "success in failure" and bad behavior on the part of adults none of which have EVER spent time with my daughter THEIR grandchild! Ever since they found out she was autistic they just stopped coming around "the dog" suddenly didn't like the beach anymore that was when our daughter was 4. They've only seen her sporadically since maybe a couple of times per year and when I don't go see them my child doesn't go. There are many reasons for that too, she is not treated very nicely and at your grandparents home you shouldn't have to ask to use the potty, get a glass of water, have a snack or MOVE as far as that goes. It became very upsetting for me and my child who felt like outsiders. So now we're expected to just put all that aside and run to the rescue? What on earth do I do with this situation? Sorry to be so long winded but HELP ME PLEASE
Why does your mother have to live with you, if she can drive 8 hours by herself? And why are you paying all of her bills?
Between her and your H running to his parents every weekend, the two of you are just puppets on multiple strings, aren't you?
As always, I ask...are there siblings of either of you? Why are the two of you stuck with eldercare?
Boundaries. You need boundaries.
He needs to how up and learn to say no to his parents.
Just start out by finding your own. You really need to get some clear advice about this situation.
See, I have no problem with helping parents but I can't see using my money if they have some. Your husband driving 8 hrs to mow lawns is ridiculous. Thats a days drive. This can't be good for his health. I can't imagine why any parent would expect a child to do this. I think counselling for both of you is needed. For no other reason than to get an impartial look at your situation. These parents need to see that you are killing yourselves, because you are. You holding down two jobs, why? to support them? You should be spending time with your daughter. She should be husbands and your top priority. You both need to learn boundries. What you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe MIL will sell Moms house if she can't afford to have the grass mowed. You are allowing this to happen and need to learn how to say No. Are in-laws aware of your financial situation? That your daughter misses your husband? Maybe husband needs to sit down and talk to Mom and tell her changes need to be made. Oh, and I understand about how people deal with a child with a disability. My husband has been hard of hearing since 3 or 4 from an accident. His Mom never accepted it. She just overlooked it. My husband was in the backyard when an Aunt who was visiting started hollering out the backdoor at him. He didn't hear her and she made a statement "why can't he hear me" and I said "because he is deaf". Boy, the look I got from my MIL. Another time she was giving him directions in the car looking straight ahead and talking low. I leaned over and told her she needed to speak up and talk to his ear. Again, she got mad. She lived with him 34yrs and never understood his problem, or chose not to.
Above is just suggestions. There are enough members who are in your situation. Its the way we were raised, I think. In hindsight, it probably should not have gone this far and now its going to be a bitch to fix with MIL holding a grudge. Because I think she wore the pants in the family. No one ever said no to Mom. You both have to realize that your family is at the top, parents come second now. Good Luck in finding a solution.
So yes our entire situation is a crazy mess and my husband had back surgery 6 weeks ago and hernia surgery 4 weeks ago BUT still they expect him to do this. I put my foot down when he was in the hospital and said he would NOT be doing this and his mom as manipulative as she is whined and whimpered till he relented. I have literally had it, I just want to put my head in the sand and wait for ALL of them to kick the bucket! I know...not nice but darn it felt nice to say