I am trying so hard to stay calm and positive, but most days I fail miserably, at least that is what I feel inside. As a young child I watched my mom be physically and mentally abused. My mother never able to stand up to my stepfather. That is what makes the all day every day symptoms my husband displays so hard to stomach, literally. To have to live every day holding my tongue, "lying" (therapeutically, of course), when we have always been open and honest, walking on eggshells, careful every minute about what I say, how I say it, trying to live in his head, smiling when I feel like screaming, getting mad sometimes and then feeling like garbage because I got angry. By the time he finally falls asleep at night the last thing I want to do is lie down beside him listening to the snoring, staying awake as he talks in his sleep, reaches for things on his night stand, turning the light on and off, peeing on the floor or in the bed, getting up at least 4 or 5 times wanting to eat, smoke or just being disoriented and confused. I just want to have a quiet glass of wine or take a lorazepam and forget the whole sad reality that has taken the man I loved away and left this angry shell in his place. I am sad, angry, depressed. There is no money at all to do anything but keep him at home and get through every hour as best we can. There are few and brief moments when the caring husband I had come to know makes an appearance and my heart leaps, only to be dropped into the abyss once more. When I see postings here asking for comments from caregivers who are experiencing positive caregiving with their loved one I cannot begin to imagine what that must be like, and I blame myself for my days and nights. I attend workshops and support groups and avail myself of every resource I can find. I get inspired and I meditate and I pray and I make resolutions to try harder, and I wake in the morning to the same angst of the day before.
Your feelings are your feelings, please do not feel blame or shame for them. Nobody else in in your exact situation.
Attending workshops and support groups is important, but so is trying to carve out time for that glass of wine, a walk in a park or along the shore. If possible do one small thing for yourself each week.
Is there anywhere else you can sleep? I realize you still need to attend to him during the night, but perhaps if you could sleep in another place, it may allow you a bit more rest.
Are there respite services in your community?
An Adult Day Health Program would give you some respite. Medicaid pays for that, and some programs have "scholarships" to help out.
Blame and guilt are the most unproductive and self destructive emotions we can have. I’ve a masters degree in guilt! so I can tell you from experience. Don’t succumb to them, use logic to protect yourself from such deceiving feelings!
When resources are scarce we need to be creative and realistic. The reality tells you that you cannot keep going like this! The creative aspect should move you to find alternative help. For example, do you go to any particular church? Are there any people in your church that’d be willing to volunteer some hours to care for your husband? Same applies to friends, relatives, any volunteering organization? you need a daily break, even if not at night but some hours during the day. If you have kids they need to participate. Unbelievably, sometimes if we don’t ask, people won’t offer, even if the need for help is evident.
Don’t be ashamed to ask for help! And don’t close your world to the “there’s no help” dark hole. Think outside the box!
And about the abuse feeling, I completely get it. I get it from my mother some days more than others. Yet, you have to remember it’s not them! They are victims. Remind yourself of that 24/7..so it hurts less.
You’re being a loyal and devoted wife. May God bless you!