We have finally made the decision to take mom to a nursing home. She really cannot be alone anymore while I'm at work. I work full time and my sister is constantly busy, and and everyone else lives too far. But now I'm filling guilty, sad, and guilty again. I know it is for her won good as well as mine. The stress was getting to be too much. I'm worried about abuse and neglect at the home. I just never really wanted this for her, but she refused to cooperate from the beginning and learn to live like 2 adults. I guess they are always the parent and we are always the children. Just needed to vent to someone that will understand more than those around me seem to. Thanks.
Lilly
I totally understand about the parent-child dynamic. I constantly wonder why my parents can't treat me like an adult friend rather than a child. I moved in to their house to help them and work full time, and they want to know where I am going every time I leave the house and what time I will be back. My mom pouts if I skip Sunday School or church, and sometimes refuses to go if I don't - and then won't speak the rest of the day. To keep the peace, I go to Sunday School and church service every week. My dad gives me driving "tips" every time I take him somewhere ("there's a 4-way stop up ahead, you need to stop there"; no kidding, dad?).
I could go on and on. By the way, I am 60 years old.
Lilly
In my book nursing home-ing a parent is tantamount to betrayal, but it had to be done. She didn't meet you half way, and you did the best you could. It takes two to dance tango and she knows that.
When I put my mother in a senior citizen home here in the Bronx, I felt guilty. She tried to take over my house and children, insulted my female companions when I wasn't looking (I'm a widower), and take money from my wallet so she could hang around with her boozy, shiftless friends. We'd reach a compromise time and again, but she'd always breach it with the ubiquitous "Yo soy tu madre."
I visit her about every 3-4 months, and she still tries to make me feel guilty. I made her an offer she couldn't refuse: either stop the drama and the BS or I'll see her only once a year. She was "Mum." ... Get the hint?
-- ED
I think my guilt subsidses in moments, but I know deep down that this is the best thing.
Thank you for the support.
Lilly