I know many of you have been at the "end of the rope" when it comes to caring for an elderly parent in your home. We've come to that place over the last month and wanted to share this fork in the road we've come upon. Dad has been living with his youngest son and things have gone from bad to worse. He is in a beautiful home with everything from his own room, bathroom, TV, internet, etc. and is surrounded by people who love him , but to him, it isn't enough. At first, when he was still recovering from a lengthy illness, he was sweet and easy to be around. Now, as ALL of his doctors tell him he is FINE and can resume his normal activities and he is MAD. He wants to be waited on hand and foot. If he's not, he refuses to eat or bathe or take his medications or do anything for himself. Because none of us can be with him 24/7, he has stopped eating. His weight has plummeted drastically and his doctors have told him if he doesn't start eating, he WILL DIE. He tells his doctors that his kids would be "happy then", which of course is not true. While in recovery, he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but he refuses to fill the prescription for the anti-depressant, brushing it off as "crap" and not wanting to take another pill. This is a pattern of behavior that has repeated itself over the years and it is evident that this cycle will continue to repeat itself for the rest of his life. He's good for while, then he gets sick (he has several chronic conditions), gets better, becomes uncooperative, belligerent, controlling and verbally abusive and on one occasion physically abusive, then he gets sick again and the cycle repeats. This "hunger strike" has been going on for several weeks now, and we are all just done with it. My brother was out of town last week, and dad admitted he ate nothing but a bowl of soup over 4 days even though he had enough food in the refrigerator to last a month. So we are starting down the road of searching for a nursing home and financial aid for him. I know it won't be easy and when the time comes, he will fight it tooth and nail. But there does come a time when things get so out of your control and you cannot oversee their activities 24/7 that it has to be done. I know some of you are reading this and thinking "OMG, is she talking about MY parent?" All this is to say, you are not alone. WE are MANY. We are not cruel people who want to do away with our parent, even if it seems our parent is being cruel to us at times. We are mom's, dad's, brothers and sisters, parents ourselves. We do "get it." But we can't always DO IT. God bless to all. This journey we are on doesn't have to be taken alone.
He told him...either you knock off the sh*t and cooperate or you will be put in a nursing home. The NH will simply drug you into oblivion and feed you thru a tube if you pull this violent crap on them!
It took a day or two for Dad to have that message sink in. He shut up..cooperated...took his meds. Made lunch for himself...and generally managed to cooperate. Not saying he liked it. Not saying he didn't grumble all the time about it. But..he did cooperate.
Until the final few weeks...he was so bad that I was beginning the process to find a Nh for him when he suddenly died. I guess it wasn't sudden...but I was surprised.
Managing the care of a person who refuses to take meds that will help them is very frustrating. I've dealt with it with one of my parents.
I'd be careful of him due the violence that you describe. Would you be able to have him placed in a psychiatric hospital to get his meds adjusted? Just curious as to how a facility will mange his care if he is violent there.
And Sunnygirl...I don't want to say the violence isn't "bad" because any violence is bad but he is in his late 80's and isn't as strong as he once was. It consists of him occasionally punching us in the shoulders (never the face), or jabbing his finger as hard as he can into your arm or chest or back. He hasn't done that in a while, because the last time he did it to me, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as hard as I could, which was apparently quite painful and it got his attention. He was told then that if he EVER hit any of us again, that would be it...no more housing or care and he would be on his own. So far that has kept him from doing it again, but if there is any recurrence of outward aggression, we will certainly take action.
She refused meds, stopped eating, (lost over 80 pounds), withdrew, didn't want to do anything, refused to shower or change clothes, wanted to stay in bed and have her diaper changed, even though she was able to get out of bed and didn't need a diaper. (As she recovered from fracture.) And was very hostile. We couldn't figure it out, but, it was Vascular dementia, which progressed pretty quickly. I'd explore it. It might explain some things.
I went through this with my mom two years ago...she was "fine" according to her doctor, but she wasn't fine any more than he is. She went through a rapid mental and cognitive decline, but as long as she could tell them what city she lived in, and what her favorite food was they deemed her "fit." If they had asked her to fill out a check they would have seen she couldn't do it. If they had asked her to say the alphabet, they would have seen she couldn't do it. She kept insisting she was having heart attacks, but they said she was "fine." She kept falling, but she was "fine." She missed appointments because she couldn't get ready to go. But she was "fine." Then she died. It was so frustrating and hurtful.
Really...someone who starves themself for attention...that needs to be addressed. I wouldn't care if he wanted to seek that help or not...I would just call the police and explain that he needs to be take to the hospital because he has become a danger to himself.
Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist and/or in for a neuropsych work up and you'll find out where his cognitive and mental deficits lay. Meds might be part of the answer.
Perhaps we should make a mental note that "fine" can also translate as "I don't know what you expect me to do about this."
There's fine, and there's "fine-apart-from-the-heart-failure-the-COPD-the-absent-kidney-function-and-the-..."
If you still really want to know, respond with "please define fine."
Maybe, they think that Major Depressive disorder covers it.