All my siblings live out of state. They rarely visit. When they do visit, they either write themselves a check (Sis who is the POA) for their travel expenses, or before they even make a date to visit, they complain about how their jobs are not doing well, they need a new roof, etc "hint-hint" implying that they need money from Parents in order to come for a visit.
I live nearby, and always On-Call 24/7 for them, to take care of household issues, doctor visits, sudden ice cream cravings, etc. But I am never paid, once in awhile for a longer car trip they have given me $5.00 bill "for gas money."
Dad has dementia now, but in talking with Mom about how "un-equal" this feels to me, she seems to understand, but says the out-of-town siblings would never visit if they weren't paid.
My spouse is sick and tired of this "un-equal" system, and has greatly reduced what he is doing (no more midnight plumbing fixes, mouse-trap emptying, etc).
Mom has noticed that spouse is doing less and less. I tried to say, we're sort of tired of how "un-equal" things are.
My point is, if the other kids are getting thousands of dollars once a year to visit (on THEIR schedule) I would like to be paid for all my "travel" expenses for when it is not even MY schedule, it's when my parents WANT me to do something, whatever THEY want.
I feel like I'm a slave to their whims, and the siblings are treated like Royalty!
P.s. my spouse says, we can't be paid because of possible Medicaid lookback; but if that is true, wouldn't my siblings already be in trouble?
It's not your siblings who will be effected when your parents apply for medicaid.. It's obvious they won't give back the money when your parents have to private pay for a nursing home.. Tell your parents this has to stop!
But when you are at Attorneys have him write up a caregiver agreement so you are compensated for the care you give them..
The travel money is a gray area. I'm not sure how Medicaid would view that. When your parents apply for Mediciad, if the money to your siblings is considered a gift your siblings won't be in trouble -- your parents will. The penalty for giving away assets that could have been used for care is a delay in Medicaid eligibility.
The situation you describe is absolutely unequal and unfair. This is one of the reasons I think adults who provide care for their parents should be paid. It helps keep things more fair among siblings.
But, Sis went to college with one of the lawyers, so that is why my parents "chose" them. I should say the obvious-- this sounds really NOT the way to pick an attorney practice!
You are another story. You take time from your job and your family, you travel, and along with hubby do household maintenance plus care for your parents. Get yourself to an elder lawyer and draw up necessary papers to have yourself paid for what you are doing. There is info on this forum about that very thing.
I really hope when the other siblings visit you disappear and let them completely take care of Mom and Dad. Best wishes!
Assandache, jeanniegibbs always give great advice here, as do many others. I agree about seeing an Elder lawyer asap. God luck and God bless.
When you need a laugh, look up...."you know you're a caregiver if " and " whats the funniest thing your care receiver has said lately."
Do your parents have any trusted confidants, pastor/priest, someone who can explain to them that they need an elder law attorney specifically? Perhaps you or such a confidant can use an analogy such as, you wouldn't hire an electrician to change a faucet or do plumbing, nor would you hire a plumber to reroof the house. These, as are elder law and IP law, very distinct practices.
I think you and DH might want to agree on just exactly what you'll do and what you won't (emptying mouse traps - that sounds like a insult job!). Sit down with your parents and tell them you've worked out a plan that would benefit all, that you'll handle a - g tasks, but that you can't continue to do it without financial compensation, particularly since your siblings don't pitch in.
If they disagree, be emphatic that you have to limit, and CONTINUE to limit your role. You can help them find outside help (for which they'll have to pay), but you just can't be mouse trap emptiers any more!
If they object that siblings won't come to visit w/o being reimbursed for expenses, suggest that since the siblings get reimbursed, they should take over your duties while there and give you and DH relief.
It's only equitable that the adult children share in the tasks, one way or other, but certainly not equitable that they're paid to visit.
Your case, is exactly why I keep saying that the caregiver DOES need paid. If everything is equal, you should get the same amount of money as your siblings. You should be POA, but let me warn you, that is another thankless job.
I have heard some say that, "OH but you get to spend time with your aging parent!" I hear it loud and clear, but to feel like a devoted slave, changing diapers and doing the gritty-work; while twice-a-year-visiting-siblings receive the rewards just "seems" humiliating to me. Seeing the parent respond with charm and generosity, while being treated like Cinderella... by parent AND the visiting "Step-sisters" is a monstrous reach of family protocol. PrettyGood, I understand and relate to your feelings! Do whatever you must to preserve your dignity.
I just hope Prettygood doesn't get discouraged with the likes of Dusty..
I agree that you should get paid for your time. Don't know how you get around the Medicaid thing but someone here will know.
I feel bad for your Mom that she knows her children wont come unless paid. That must hurt. Why she cant see that you are there for her without payment is beyond me. Sorry for how you must hurt too.
It covers everything from technical and scientific creations to music, art, online postings, recipes, photography.
Unfortunately there's a lot of abuse which is hard to regulate. I know for a fact that recipes and cross stich patterns are freely copied and shared without any consideration for the IP issues.
Attorneys tend to abbreviate various practice area designations...Domestic Relations used to be DomRel, Auto Negligence is AutoNeg, Medical Malpractice is MedMal, etc.
understanding...I live with mom so I am 24/7 nurse on call (I am a nurse)..Funny how they are clueless and dont care one bit about what we do for them...Keep moving forward! Best- Sandi W.
Bonichak, are you addressing your comments to someone in particular?
Sometimes people have their opinions on what a post "sounds" like by looking at who posted it. I don't have any preconceived notions about Dusty. If I've interacted with her before, I don't remember it (FibroFog can sometimes be a good thing :) ). I just know that I never like seeing what looks like a cyberbully situation, and what I've seen in the past few days, on this board, with people trying to drum Dusty off, bothers me. Everyone that is caregiver deserves support here. Not just those that you agree with.
I've found her rational answers to often be on point and sometimes insightful, but her religious answers are not. I think it's these religious and hellfire and damnation answers that offend most people - they don't provide any succinct or helpful suggestions. They’re rants, and they're offensive. And they don't reflect a true religious belief but rather a fanatic one.
When I write "religious", I'm not referring to comments such as "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you." Hers are wild comments which reflect an intensity that borders on what I'd consider to be delusional or irrational.
I've only been here a few months but found that the religious Dusty is similar to the angry Dusty in which she lashes out at her mother for a variety of abuses.
In addition, it’s hard to believe anything she writes about her personal and professional life, which lessens her credibility even in the rational posts. She states that she’s worked as stockbroker, researcher, in systems engineering and operations research. She claims to have several degrees.
She states that she’s homeless but living with her mother. She hates taking care of her mother but never states any plans for dealing with that hatred, for leaving and getting her own life again, for getting help for her mother. Just more rants. Does she just want sympathy? Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.
Personally I’m not sure if she does have multiple personalities or if she has multiple ONLINE personalities, called “socking”, in which someone assumes various identities and plays games with other posters on forums by pretending to be several different posters. Or maybe she's just another troll. Who knows?
I’ve tried to find some of her more wild posts so you can read them and see what offends us so much, but the search function on this forum isn’t target specific.
And speaking of targets, I've probably now put a target on my back by writing so bluntly so others can take pot shots at me if they want to.