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I'm whining again. I recently had a birthday party for my dad. Most of the family showed up. Only one person besides me brought a gift, no one else even brought a card. I do not understand them at all. It's a birthday party!! Fast forward a few weeks. Although I've had party after party, offered my home to them in times of crisis, babysat, etc. I just found out that one of them is having another family birthday party, but my kids and I are not invited. I have truly just about had it. My dad asked me tonight if I was going, and I told him I wasn't invited. He was completely stunned. Until now, I've not been forthcoming with him at all about the numerous slights and multiple times they've ignored my attempts to communicate, as I wanted him to focus on his health, and not on family drama. But it all just came tumbling out tonight. I told him how they've ignored me, and said unkind comments, and that my kids and I have come to consider him, not them, our family. We've never even been invited to most of their homes, despite having invited them for parties that require a lot of work, time, money, and love. I'm realizing that I've all but been dumped by my family, and they're going to completely dump me when my dad is gone. They've shown a mild, sudden interest in helping out the last few weeks. I've been trying not to assume that they were afraid of being cut off financially, but I don't know what else to think. There are so many details that I'm pretty sure this won't make a lot of sense. I've posted about similar events before, but I just can't seem to get used to this. I feel shaky and like someone just slugged me in the stomach.

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SueQ, me too. Often happens in dysfunctional families to the one that provides the day to day care. I did it for four long years until I decided I had enough of dysfunctional sibs and completely wacky ways. Even Christmas eve I was not invited. I decided I would rather have a few hours to myself then play the games pretending how happy and perfect life is. It isn't easy, for sure. But it does move to another place once I learned to completely detach. You will get there. It is not a reflection on you at all, it is them and the sick pleasure they get thinking they are hurting you. Don't let that happen.
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What the heck??! Why in the world does this happen? Life can be so unfair. They should be thanking the person spending time caring for a family member, instead they seem annoyed. How dare they?! I'm sorry about Christmas eve. That's very hurtful. I hope that I too will reach the stage of detachment. Detachment without bitterness is my goal. I know my parents generation didn't behave this way. I don't know how 1) they've become so uncaring 2) In this regard I'm more like someone born in the generation before mine
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SueQ, you would think they would be grateful, but it is actually the opposite. We are able to do something they never would even think about. That is something to be proud of. And we are a constant reminder to them of their ineptness and a cause of the guilt they are feeling. It does not happen like this in some families. But, it happens at different degrees in many families. Unfortunately the father knows best families are nearly impossible to find. Hang in there, do not expect thanks or gratitude from them. Life is way too short. Do something good for you today and every day.
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And parents generation, their parents usually passed much younger than they are now. Though I had a grandma live to 101, both grandpa's passed in their 60's other grandma in her 80's. This is largely a very new social problem that needs lots of work.
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You're absolutely right. I hadn't thought of it like that before. With the increase in life expectancy, this is a relatively new social issue. Lord help us all. I'm going to think of this every time I don't feel like going to the gym. What an incentive to stay healthy!! I don't want my kids going through this.
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Hi suzeeQ. I am sorry that your extended family are unkind to you. But it is a bad reflection on them. You have opened your home and your heart to them but they did not appreciate or reciprocate. My suggestion is to stop invite them over for any party or spend any money on gift or anything on them. Instead, use that money on yourself, your children and your father. A one sided relationship is not worth having. Perhaps, this is one step toward detachment from them and their dysfunctional relationship.
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Thank you, polarbear. I think that's good advice. Without reciprocity, there is no relationship.
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One thing's for certain SuzeeQ, people will disappoint you and let you down.
You can do SO much for some people but they wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. (sorry, my dad used to say that a lot.)

You can't change others, you can only change yourself, they say. Because you can't change them doesn't mean that you have to "accept" them either. They sound very self absorbed and really, not your type. Since you would probably never choose them as friends, why have them around as family?

I would stop inviting them to your elaborate gatherings, as they have stopped inviting you. My husband is so darn worried how things "look" but I could care less what people think. Who are THEY? I've started telling him that I won't be going to any more of his family functions because his family is down right rude and I don't feel like faking a smile and trying to not have it bother me. I'll stay at home in my jimmies with a cup of coffee parked in front of the tube watching CSI.

You are the one who turned out RIGHT! I'm sure your dad is proud of you.

You have a great goal. Harboring bitterness is a road to nowhere. All it does is harm YOU.
"Well, they don't seem to want to come and they don't seem to want to invite us, so I'll let them go and not worry about it." Don't call or send gifts. It doesn't mean you don't care about them but you can't be drawn into their way of life.
It will get easier as time goes on. Don't give in to guilt. You'll be compromising yourself.
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Thank you, Sue. I know from previous posts you've had your crosses to bear too. Oh, life is a funny thing, eh? Thank you everyone for your boost. I sure needed it tonight.
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Good night, all. So much kindness to respond to, but it is late where I am, and I am so tired, emotionally and otherwise. Thank you again for your kind words.
It makes a difference.
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SuzeeQ, I respect the answers you've gotten from people with experience. I don't have that experience.

I'd like to just remind you and other members that this is about individual dysfunctional families. It is not about a generation. There have been dysfunctional families in all generations, in all countries, in all social conditions. Social media and forums like this expose them more.

I am sorry you got one of the bad ones. I hope detaching works for you.
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SuzeeQ ... I don't know if your family has always been like this. But if this is changed behavior for them, have you tried to talk to them about it? (And yes, I'm fully aware that talk may be futile ... and that you have a better feel for that than we can possibly have.)

Like jeannegibbs, I also would have a nearly ideal experience dealing with my parents-in-law and their nuclear family, but that's ... IF .. my husband were not somewhat disabled as well, and ... IF ... my healthier sisters-in-law did not live many hundreds of miles away.

As it is, we cooperate very well during emergencies. We do get together when we can. But any conversation I try to have about my experience as a whole gets shut down Right Quick. I do respect that (see below for why), and have long since backed off of that topic.

These are deep issues involving their entire nuclear family-of-origin, and they're stuck dealing with them from afar. And they do what they can. One, in fact, is seriously trying to get a job in our area. She keeps us in the loop on that. I hope it works out, but at what cost to her? (She's a natural-born candidate for takeover-to-burnout.)

All of that is a roundabout way of saying that, even when families try to be functional, the facts are:

1) Everybody may be faced with vast miles of uncharted territory without a roadmap. (My parents-in-law never had to deal with anything like this -- but I know they both wish they'd had the chance. Which -- this *just* occurred to me -- may be one reason for the "thoughtlessness" that so many of us experience.)

2) Logistical issues can be overwhelming. Also, "outside" family may be anticipating additional long-term care needs for themselves and/or others at the same time. (Our generation is aging too, and, as noted above, my husband is already affected. Some of us face a long line of elders and ailments.)

3) Perhaps unconsciously, they may have some awareness that there is little-to-no societal support ... so there is much demand for caregivers to give up their lives wholly. Talk about daunting! Run Away!

In the short term, I hope we (as a society) can build better ways for families to come together -- which may free more of us to agitate for more societal support.
(4)
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SQ My heart goes out to you. I am it for my Mom even though she has five other living children, 1 passed. But they have nothing to do with her, nor me. One son calls her every once in a while, but thats it. No visits. When my Dad died none called her or showed any compassion or love to her. People can be awful.I spent sevral years trying to figure out how to fix it, nothing worked i gave up. I gave it to God. I only feel so much sadness that the children that this woman sacrificed everything for in order to be a great mom to all of us, that they are so ungrateful and hateful. It hurts and is frustrating. Give it to God, you have enough on your plate too.
Best wishes.
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suzeeQ: I so hear you! I'm in the same boat though my family is very small. I'm Mom's live-in caregiver. I had hoped when I left my home to move in here that I'd have a closer relationship with my sisters. In the beginning it was great and I considered, when my home ever sells, of moving back permanently. Not anymore. They nitpick with a venom I don't understand. Almost never ask how I'm doing and try to be dictatorial. They've made this tough experience almost unbearable.

Here's how I'm coping: I've detached from them. I've accepted we'll never be a close family and frankly I never really liked them. (That's why it was so easy to leave the state when I graduated high school.) I tell them nothing of what I do in my spare time nor do I tell them how I'm doing. Any conversation is only about Mom.

And you know what? I'm calmer. I feel empowered and stronger. I am my own person and I keep her close and don't share her. When Mom passes and her house is for sale, I'll go back to my real "home" state that I love and will cultivate a family of my choosing.

Hugs to you and best wishes.
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I'm sorry you are going through this SuzeeQ... it seems to be a frequent phenomena here on these forums. My parents have 4 living kids... but I am all they have now. My siblings began detaching from them (they once had a loving relationship with me and them) .. but they began detaching as soon as my Dad started to decline mentally .. about 6 years ago.

My 2 sisters never call or visit my parents or me and my brother only calls them every other month or so.. I have begged them for help or even emotional support as I watch my parents decline... but none of them have stepped up.

I used to be close with my younger sister and have tried having some kind of relationship with her outside my parents . I no longer ask or expect any help. Unfortunately, I think the guilt is there and she just cant bring herself to even have any kind of relationship with me.

My parents were good parents.. I was a good sister and daughter... but I am essentially without a family now.. ten years ago I would have never believed how they are acting towards us. It seemed they used to care.

The others are right though.. you have to find a way to live your life... try to focus on positive, happy and loving things. Anger and resentment don't hurt anyone but yourself .. and it is poison.

If it weren't for this forum I would think I was the only one in the world going through this. At least I know it does happen when parents decline and need care..it could bring a family together or it could tear it apart. It could really highlight who truly has compassion and who truly cares... and who does not. Hard times can bring out others true character.. good or bad.

I know it hurts... and I feel for you.

((hugs))
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THank you for the advice. Can someone illustrate the meaning of detachment, with examples? I need a script, so to speak, of how to get through this with my dignity in tact.
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I suspect that a lot of families transform into something different when the patriarch passes away. I anticipate that with my family too. How could it not be effected? There are some that will stay close, call, visit, rely upon, but, I don't put too much faith in it. I know that a certain few will be there for me, but, other than that.......... I don't.

I'm not sure why something happened along the way with younger people and they don't seem to have much appreciation for the time, energy and resources that others put into their lives. It seems to mean nothing to them, so, they don't call to check on seniors, don't send or bring cards, gifts, flowers, food, etc. Nothing.....they just don't think about it. They are too focused on their self and the phone. I'm not kidding. I blame their parents who tolerated that kind of behavior as they were growing up. Now....it is what it is. I am cordial, but, stopped any expectations.

I hope that your family manages to withstand the loss of your father one day, but, that you will have solid, loving and kind relationships with those who you can depend on, whether they are blood relatives or family, that you create with friends.
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Suzee.. for me, detachment would be to distance myself emotional and physically. I would lower my expectations of them, I would limit contact with them, I would focus on other relationships or make new ones. Don't let them be your central focus...especially if it involves resentment ,anger , hurt. (this is hard.. I am working on this).

I don't know if you have to completely cut them out of your life but allow yourself to detach so they aren't hurting you, disappointing you over and over. Its all about protecting yourself.
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Yes, that makes sense. I believe that cutting people off actually produces the opposite of the desired effect. In a way they become more important than just minimizing exposure and therefore their impact & importance in your life. It still hurts. I've been raised to be extremely family oriented. This is so counterintuitive to me.
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Many of us understand, suzeeQ. I think katiekay had a great explanation of detachment: limiting contact and lower expectations. I'd also add focus on yourself and your happiness and your job (whether caregiving, a paid job, etc.) at hand. I think of the term cognitive dissonance, whereby it's a confusing feeling to be taught one thing (like raised to be family oriented) and having to face another (like detaching). Give yourself some time and go easy on yourself.
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Yes, thanks mountain moose, et al. I also like the advice here to give it to God. That brings pretty immediate relief.
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Be your own best friend, Suzee. I know it sounds like a nutty unicorns-and-rainbows cliche. But it’s solid advice!

I am an only child. My sig other is one of six. I was conditioned by society to feel like I’m missing out on something. After I got to know his crew, pffffft. I’m the lucky one.
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BlackHole,
I'm an only child too and my husband is also one of 6!
I felt strange growing up because no one else was an only child.

I was very much looking forward to moving closer to all of them.

As an only kid, I envisioned great family gatherings and, while FIL was alive, they were. Since he's been gone, the family has gone to hell.
Two have teemed up against us and SIL shuns us at functions. One refused our help after we bought them $150. worth of groceries. One has been isolated from the family for 30 years, last one has a big attitude problem.

So much for having a big family. I'm detaching (pulling back or pulling away) from any gatherings from now on. I'll visit my MIL at her house with my husband but no more parties.

I'm disappointed that I can't have the "dream" family I've always wanted but I'm content with hubby being my family.

We have very good friends and they are more like family than the blood family.

SuzeeQ,
I don't think there would be a "dialogue". They don't call you, you don't call them. Don't feel responsible to entertain them. If they care, they would call.
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Blackhole: "Be your own best friend, Suzee." That's not a cliche at all! It's succinct and instantly understandable! Thank you.
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A friend of mine suggested I kill them with kindness. So, I've been doing that all day. Each minuscule thing they've done I've made a big deal about it. Wow!! Thank you so much for sending that text to so & so, you're the best!!! 🙄 And you know what? I actually feel a little better. I still think they're self absorbed jerks, but being pissed off & bitter just wasn't doing much except elevating my blood pressure. I feel like I've discovered a secret weapon.
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SueQ, some suggested to me to kill them with kindness. You are a better person than I, I just could not bring myself to do that. It will be interesting to see how it works and if it does for how long.
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I hope it works because I'm tired of feeling awful!!! I'll keep you posted.
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Day 2 of acting stupid & cheerful: I've had some positive responses, but by and large my attempts to connect have been ignored. They've responded to each other on the text thread, but pretty much didn't acknowledge my contribution. This is probably natural as my behavior is different. What has come to light though, is the possibility that their exclusions and slights are intentional rather than oversights. I don't know, but I honestly feel better and more in control. I'm not expecting anything in return - if I were, this experiment would be an exercise in frustration.
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Good luck, suzeeQ, with your experiment. How long do you plan to try this? It may take some weeks see something meanfull. I hope you do receive better treatment.
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Dear suzeeQ,

I know its hard. I too grew up being very family oriented and I can totally relate to your story and feelings.

I am following the advice from this thread. I too have learned to lower my expectations and to pull back. I cannot put all my heart into my family anymore. I sometimes feel like they don't know I even exist since my dad passed. I know I have to build my own life but sometimes its hard.

Thinking of you. And I hope things are going better.
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