Family exclusion; I've all but been dumped by my family, and they're going to completely dump me when my dad is gone.

Day #3: Thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. Your support really makes a big difference. I've set a goal of sticking with this for 1 month, which will take me to around March 8, and then reevaluating it at that point. Today was Day 3, and I didn't do much reaching out, but I did talk with my father's friend, who I've not had great relations with since she started hitting on my dad while my mother was dying. I've struggled with this relationship a great deal. While I cannot bring myself to be lovey dovey with this person, I was cordial, and not at all unfriendly. Reaching out is only part of the process though. I have let these people live rent free in my head for far too long. Last year for Lent, I gave up thinking about my family. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but unless I had fond feelings for someone, I made it a point not to dwell on them. It really did make a huge difference in my overall wellbeing. Lent starts Wednesday, and I think I'll set the same goal.

Hi Suzee,

Good for you. Baby steps. It's not ridiculous at all. I think women are conditioned to put everyone else first and its okay for once not to think our families. Its okay to think ourselves to restore our own physical and mental wellbeing. I think I might follow the same steps this month as well. Thank you for keeping us updated.

"Last year for Lent, I gave up thinking about my family."

That's a great idea! Thank you. I too have stopped most of the "conversations" I'd love to have with my sisters, but I could feel my stress rise. They're not worth that.

To be clear, I haven't cut anyone off! I guess to be more accurate, I gave up allowing myself to go down a path of negative thinking about them.

Hi Suzee,

I think that is best path actually. I too have to stop the negative thinking. I have to focus on the good stuff and taking positive action. I doubt my siblings think of me very much. And in reality I cannot devote any more time to how unfairly they treated me. It is what it is sometimes.

Day #4: I reached out today to sibs. I'm taking the approach that I don't notice their slights. Stupid and cheerful. I asked for help, and got it. I'm certain there will be 50 facebook photos posted that were taken during the 45 minutes they spent with him. I, however, am not going to dwell on that because it's their choice, not mine, and I can't control it. This was definitely a much smarter approach than being pissed off and bitter. I'm still skeptical of their motivations though. They didn't start helping until he was diagnosed with cancer. The sil's are extremely aggressive and money hungry. The term 'H#*! on wheels' is not exaggerating. But I'm just going to do the right thing, and not worry about it because I can't control it. This is my mantra.  

Day #5: Multiple communications today w/ everyone who hasn't helped until recently. I maintained a perfunctory but cheerful tone. I realized today that all of us sibs have married overly aggressive and money hungry people. My experience is different in that I realized it a few years ago, got out of that situation, and have spent a lot of time working on understanding it and seeking healthier relationships. I don't think my sibs are as far along on that path. I'm trying to be understanding of where everyone is in their journey. I started wearing an elastic hair tie on my wrist. Everytime I start down the path of negativity, I snap it. I will not let this challenging situation take me down.

Wow Suzze. I admire you. You are taking control of your feelings and reactions. Pretty soon no one can dictate how you feel but you. I wish I could do the same but I let my crazy mother drive me bonkers. I let her stress me out and raise my blood pressure. I'm going to work on taking that control back.
Go Suzzy go!

Lol well polar bear, I have little choice. My friends are tired of hearing me whine & the only family who've been supportive to any great extent have either died or will not be close much longer, due to illness that will inevitably lead to death, or they're growing up and moving on. My nieces and nephews have followed their parents lead & have excluded me & my family. I cannot believe it, but it's true. I've been shunned. It's a result of me not staying quiet any longer while my bossy family says & does what they want, while I as the youngest sib by far, look at them adoringly. Now I'm the bad guy because I have a voice. Boy would my mom be ticked off if she saw what was happening. I wake up every morning with a heavy sense of dread, realizing how much I've lost over the last few years. It was never perfect but has gone from having lots of people to choose from to call and talk about life's difficulties and joys, to having almost no one. I've worked hard to get the crazy people out of my life and coincidentally, have lost 5 family members in the last few years with whom I was very close. I am standing on their shoulders, but I am alone. I can either succumb to the dreadfulness of it all or view it as an opportunity to attract more positive people into my life, and I'm realizing there ain't nobody worthwhile whose gonna wanna be with me if I'm complainin' all the time. I am lonely. Positive attracts positive. There is no viable alternative. Thank you for listening. Putting this all into words has been a very cathartic exercise for me. 

suzeeQ: Oh, lady, I feel you. Much of your last post could be me. I too have lost my sister-confidant to her betrayal of me when she shared my venting and my personal finances (she was my executor) to my other siblings, destroying the comfort we all had in coming together in care of Mom. Yesterday another sibling sneered at me when I made a formal request for more help so I could get more time off that ended up with her screaming at me.

Also like you, my true support is this forum. I've learned from folks here about refraining from having desired conversation as they only raise our blood pressure and increase stress. (Wow, what does that say about our families that a group of unknown people are our best comfort?* wipes tears*)

Thank you for your posts of your attempts at making things better on many levels. I appreciate reading them. {hug to you}

Day #6: this cheerful & seemingly oblivious attitude, not to be confused with accepting neglect & the propensity by other family members to take credit on social media for our efforts to care for our loved one, is spilling over into other areas of my life. I am, dare I say it, a happier person. I didn't even really care when most family members completely ignored me today. I focused instead on the few who did respond kindly and spent concerted effort feeling grateful for them. Mountain moose, I'm with you. That a forum is more supportive than family, is pitiful. But the sneers and betrayals can't hold a candle to cheerful & stupid. Let them sneer. Pretend you don't notice. How long can they go on like that? Happy Mardi Gras to all of you awesome caretakers. You are the champions!

Day #7: holidays have a way of magnifying the ways in which things are broken. Even a silly Hallmark holiday like Valentine's Day. I'm struggling to focus on the positive aspects of family life. There ARE positive aspects. Why do I so easily fall into thinking of the bad parts? The most positive thing I can muster up today is silence. All I can think of saying are negative things. Best to say nothing at all.

Day #8: Goals for today- be as supportive as possible to my LO. Be kind to myself. Stop trying to win over people who hate me. Show gratitude to people who are supportive & kind, whether family member, friend, or coffee barista. Take kindness when it comes. It's there, don't overlook it.

Thanks for updating us suzee. We're with you. Keep it up.

Suzeeq, you have inspired me.

In many aspects of life there are people who will use you, abuse you, simply be rude. Learning to avoid them AND keep seeking the kindness in people is a wonderful lesson.

Once both of my parents passed, the family that was left finally did break off any further contact. I was hurt and angry about it. Still trying to get over it. It is so easy to say, let go of the hurt...no so easy to do. Thank you for this post!

Day #9: thoughts before drIfting off to sleep... being ill is not what I want for dad, but I can control how I respond. We can make the most of what is. I'm in a good place with the kids. That's good... things aren't exactly what Id hoped, but I'm giving my best & kids/dad love me. I can do this.

4:00am - why doesn't niece respect me? I've given so much but she's listening to others in family... how did I fall from grace in the family? If they weren't actively with me supporting me I couldn't keep it up. I didnt have time/energy for adoring them even through their episodes of bossiness/rudeness while I was wiping cdiff bottoms, cleaning gangrene toes, delivering candy on Valentine's Day, & making sure everyone's stocking is stuffed. I even stuffed my own last xmas. This is crazy!! Why don't they actively love me....

6:00am - when is enough suffering enough? When will I be tired of wondering why my family can't see me? I DO have a choice in the matter. I can redirect my thoughts. I can't spend my life in a pity party. What a WASTE that would be! I am going to find joy today, and if I can't, I'll bring it & show it wherever I go.
Im going to SMILE.

suzeeQ: At 2 this morning, Mom woke me up going to the bathroom so I got up to help her and to help her back to bed. Even though I take a sleep aid, I could NOT go back to sleep. Besides a commercial's song stuck in my brain, conversations I want to have with my siblings/niece ran through my head. I had to FORCE those thoughts out though they kept returning. Finally fell asleep after 6 a.m. then overslept. *sigh*

{hug} to you

Day #10: rather than live in opposition to what is, I'm going to accept things as they are. It seems to me that most of the pain I'm experiencing is in my stubborn rejection of what is occurring.

i know you've received many good comments and advice already. But, I couldn't resist telling you that I can relate to your situation. My husband and I held all of the family gatherings at our house for about 25 years (as the family grew, my parents' home was too small to hold everyone). I wanted to make sure the family got together for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Easter. We wound up providing almost all of the food, did all the preparation, etc., with no offers of help from anyone (not even help to clean up afterwards). Everyone came and seemed to enjoy the gatherings. Then, about three years ago, after the Christmas Eve dinner and gifts, after everyone had left, we discovered that my husband's cell phone was missing. We saw that it had been used five minutes after the last person left our house. No one admitted knowing anything about it. I posted a notice on our family facebook page asking that the phone be returned to our mailbox, no questions would be asked. The phone had numerous photos that could not be replaced. A couple of weeks later, I found out that a family member's spouse had stolen it and sold it to another family member's boyfriend. The end result was that we decided not to host any more family gatherings. The only way to avoid more theft was to not subject ourselves to the risk. The stolen phone was just a symbol of the disrespect and indifference of my family members. After reflecting on the amount of time, energy, planning, and money it took to provide the family gatherings, only to be stolen from after Christmas dinner, we decided it was time for others to plan and host the gatherings. When anyone asked about plans for upcoming holiday/birthday gatherings, we would say "Just tell us when and where and we'll be there." My brother then hosted Thanksgiving twice and invited us to Christmas Eve dinner with his wife and my mother once. My husband had a stroke this past November, two weeks before Thanksgiving. He was in the hospital for three weeks. I found out the day before Thanksgiving that my adult niece was hosting Thanksgiving dinner with the family, bit that I had not been invited. Her response when she found out I was hurt was to say "I thought you would be spending the day with Uncle __ at the hospital." I always thought I was a strong person, but I wound up sobbing and feeling sorry for myself on Thanksgiving night because I felt completely, and deliberately, excluded from my family. After that night, I had to accept that my family members all have their own families and responsibilities and their priorities are different from mine. I also realized, finally, that NO ONE was going to offer to help me or my husband with anything, regardless of how much we had done for any of them over the years. So, my advice is to spend more time with friends (or develop new friendships), get involved in activities with new groups of people (such as at church, the Y, the library), and hire as much help as you can afford. Don't let the family snubbing get you down. You are a good person. Their behavior is a bad reflection on them, NOT you. You are giving, caring, and compassionate.

guiltanddanger: Thank you for your post. I just started a thread "Talk me down from the ledge" and your post helped me. I'm sorry you're going through this. It hurts like hell. It's not right. At least we're here for you.

Thank you guiltanddanger. You are so right. Their behavior is indicative of a more pervasive problem. It's systemic, and oozes out in many other places. The confusing thing is that sometimes they seem fine, yet others, they are neglectful, quick to snap back at me, etc. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you multiple times, over many many years. I took them off of my emergency card a couple of years ago. I've also spent thanksgiving in the hospital with my LO while 'family' was a mere 1.5 miles away, too busy celebrating to stop by the hospital. I did get a text telling me they were actually 'too busy' to pick up the dish I'd made, and could I leave the hospital and bring it over... and silly me, I DID IT!! I have been complicit in this ridiculous arrangement. On easter, my kids and i colored easter eggs with our LO and a sweet nurse at the hospital. Again, no one from the family showed up. Reading your post is so familiar. On one hand, I'm sorry anyone else has to go through this, yet on the other, I'm grateful that people here share, as it is awfully lonesome when you think you're the only one experiencing this.

Day #11: I'm looking for ways to alter my first thoughts upon awakening in the morning. This time of the day sets the tone for the rest of the day, and I typically run through the tough relationships I'm having for awhile. Ruminating over them like this is not helping. 2 strategies I've thought of are 1) get out of bed immediately to minimize rumination 2) put a picture of something pleasant (nature) on nightstand to look at in order to divert my attention.
If you do anything that works, please share.

You are champions. Thanks for the support.
youtube.com/watch?v=04854XqcfCY

Suzee- How about read a famous inspiring quote each morning? There are websites that have tens of thousands of quotes to read and choose from. Here's one from Churchill.
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts.

Suzee, you're very courageous.

Here is the link to that quote.
brainyquote.com/authors/winston_churchill

Yes, I love that. Thanks. Great idea!

Day #12: Be kind to yourself. I inadvertently took a mini vacation last night. We're college hunting. To make a long story short, the hotel that I booked was under investigation when we arrived. The police highly recommended we go elsewhere, and gave us the name of a hotel I normally wouldn't go to as it's pretty expensive and all I normally want in a hotel is clean and safe. Anyway, it was clean, safe, luxurious, lovely view, etc... My prospective college student was doing things on campus, so it was just me. Just being in an environment without the trappings of everyday life (bills, dishes to pick up, etc.) was uplifting. Room service and valet parking didn't hurt either. After a short evening of relaxing a bit in this environment where I was the one being cared for, the stress started to melt away, and I woke up in a different mindset. I even just spontaneously felt like doing 8 min abs, and had no desire to put sugar in my coffee. (This also is an incentive to continue my decluttering project in my own house. After acquiring all of the things that my parents couldn't bear to part with, I'm left with a whole lot of stuff. That's another story for another thread.) 

Thought: the situation I'm in is temporary. the trajectory of life is not static. things will change. doing small things that will help me through this is okay.

Another thought: Let them (unappreciative family members) think what they want about me, the more important thing is how I feel about me. They're wrong, so why am I falling for this over and over again? I've been complicit to some extent in the narrative they're writing about me. STOP!

This thinking is easier to follow through on after a de-stressed night. WOW!! What a difference this made in my overall wellbeing.

Have a lovely day.

8 min abs
youtube.com/watch?v=sWjTnBmCHTY

suzeeQ: Your posts are so uplifting! Thank you! I'm happy for you! {hug}

Mountain moose, if it helps anyone, I'm happy! Journaling is good, but it's also nice to have a little bit of feedback. So thanks to everyone for that.

I'm happy that Im in the position to help my LO, but I cannot go down with this ship.
I have too much left to do.

Day #13: assume others are doing their best. Assume others are not deliberately trying to upset me. Im not going to lie, I struggle with both of these things. but even if it's what seems to me like a pitiful attempt, or no attempt, if I assume people are doing their personal best, it'll be less stress on my shoulders.

I have a saying I use in situations where judgment and criticism come out of no where or from people I don't really know.

I did not do anything to make them feel the way they do, so there is nothing I can do to change the way they feel.

It has helped me with some hard family dynamics. I also think that if I have to be something other then what I am, I'll choose the people that want me just as I am. There is a worship song by that name, Just as I am without one plea, The Lamb of God died for me.
He knew everything about me and yet he still went to Calvary for me. I'm okay, even if no one but Him sees it.

Keep loving dad and kids and you and knowing you can do it.

Day #14: chin up. No fear. COMMUNICATE. People are not mind readers.