I'm whining again. I recently had a birthday party for my dad. Most of the family showed up. Only one person besides me brought a gift, no one else even brought a card. I do not understand them at all. It's a birthday party!! Fast forward a few weeks. Although I've had party after party, offered my home to them in times of crisis, babysat, etc. I just found out that one of them is having another family birthday party, but my kids and I are not invited. I have truly just about had it. My dad asked me tonight if I was going, and I told him I wasn't invited. He was completely stunned. Until now, I've not been forthcoming with him at all about the numerous slights and multiple times they've ignored my attempts to communicate, as I wanted him to focus on his health, and not on family drama. But it all just came tumbling out tonight. I told him how they've ignored me, and said unkind comments, and that my kids and I have come to consider him, not them, our family. We've never even been invited to most of their homes, despite having invited them for parties that require a lot of work, time, money, and love. I'm realizing that I've all but been dumped by my family, and they're going to completely dump me when my dad is gone. They've shown a mild, sudden interest in helping out the last few weeks. I've been trying not to assume that they were afraid of being cut off financially, but I don't know what else to think. There are so many details that I'm pretty sure this won't make a lot of sense. I've posted about similar events before, but I just can't seem to get used to this. I feel shaky and like someone just slugged me in the stomach.
I am an only child. My sig other is one of six. I was conditioned by society to feel like I’m missing out on something. After I got to know his crew, pffffft. I’m the lucky one.
I don't know if you have to completely cut them out of your life but allow yourself to detach so they aren't hurting you, disappointing you over and over. Its all about protecting yourself.
I'm not sure why something happened along the way with younger people and they don't seem to have much appreciation for the time, energy and resources that others put into their lives. It seems to mean nothing to them, so, they don't call to check on seniors, don't send or bring cards, gifts, flowers, food, etc. Nothing.....they just don't think about it. They are too focused on their self and the phone. I'm not kidding. I blame their parents who tolerated that kind of behavior as they were growing up. Now....it is what it is. I am cordial, but, stopped any expectations.
I hope that your family manages to withstand the loss of your father one day, but, that you will have solid, loving and kind relationships with those who you can depend on, whether they are blood relatives or family, that you create with friends.
My 2 sisters never call or visit my parents or me and my brother only calls them every other month or so.. I have begged them for help or even emotional support as I watch my parents decline... but none of them have stepped up.
I used to be close with my younger sister and have tried having some kind of relationship with her outside my parents . I no longer ask or expect any help. Unfortunately, I think the guilt is there and she just cant bring herself to even have any kind of relationship with me.
My parents were good parents.. I was a good sister and daughter... but I am essentially without a family now.. ten years ago I would have never believed how they are acting towards us. It seemed they used to care.
The others are right though.. you have to find a way to live your life... try to focus on positive, happy and loving things. Anger and resentment don't hurt anyone but yourself .. and it is poison.
If it weren't for this forum I would think I was the only one in the world going through this. At least I know it does happen when parents decline and need care..it could bring a family together or it could tear it apart. It could really highlight who truly has compassion and who truly cares... and who does not. Hard times can bring out others true character.. good or bad.
I know it hurts... and I feel for you.
((hugs))
Here's how I'm coping: I've detached from them. I've accepted we'll never be a close family and frankly I never really liked them. (That's why it was so easy to leave the state when I graduated high school.) I tell them nothing of what I do in my spare time nor do I tell them how I'm doing. Any conversation is only about Mom.
And you know what? I'm calmer. I feel empowered and stronger. I am my own person and I keep her close and don't share her. When Mom passes and her house is for sale, I'll go back to my real "home" state that I love and will cultivate a family of my choosing.
Hugs to you and best wishes.
Best wishes.
Like jeannegibbs, I also would have a nearly ideal experience dealing with my parents-in-law and their nuclear family, but that's ... IF .. my husband were not somewhat disabled as well, and ... IF ... my healthier sisters-in-law did not live many hundreds of miles away.
As it is, we cooperate very well during emergencies. We do get together when we can. But any conversation I try to have about my experience as a whole gets shut down Right Quick. I do respect that (see below for why), and have long since backed off of that topic.
These are deep issues involving their entire nuclear family-of-origin, and they're stuck dealing with them from afar. And they do what they can. One, in fact, is seriously trying to get a job in our area. She keeps us in the loop on that. I hope it works out, but at what cost to her? (She's a natural-born candidate for takeover-to-burnout.)
All of that is a roundabout way of saying that, even when families try to be functional, the facts are:
1) Everybody may be faced with vast miles of uncharted territory without a roadmap. (My parents-in-law never had to deal with anything like this -- but I know they both wish they'd had the chance. Which -- this *just* occurred to me -- may be one reason for the "thoughtlessness" that so many of us experience.)
2) Logistical issues can be overwhelming. Also, "outside" family may be anticipating additional long-term care needs for themselves and/or others at the same time. (Our generation is aging too, and, as noted above, my husband is already affected. Some of us face a long line of elders and ailments.)
3) Perhaps unconsciously, they may have some awareness that there is little-to-no societal support ... so there is much demand for caregivers to give up their lives wholly. Talk about daunting! Run Away!
In the short term, I hope we (as a society) can build better ways for families to come together -- which may free more of us to agitate for more societal support.
I'd like to just remind you and other members that this is about individual dysfunctional families. It is not about a generation. There have been dysfunctional families in all generations, in all countries, in all social conditions. Social media and forums like this expose them more.
I am sorry you got one of the bad ones. I hope detaching works for you.
It makes a difference.
You can do SO much for some people but they wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. (sorry, my dad used to say that a lot.)
You can't change others, you can only change yourself, they say. Because you can't change them doesn't mean that you have to "accept" them either. They sound very self absorbed and really, not your type. Since you would probably never choose them as friends, why have them around as family?
I would stop inviting them to your elaborate gatherings, as they have stopped inviting you. My husband is so darn worried how things "look" but I could care less what people think. Who are THEY? I've started telling him that I won't be going to any more of his family functions because his family is down right rude and I don't feel like faking a smile and trying to not have it bother me. I'll stay at home in my jimmies with a cup of coffee parked in front of the tube watching CSI.
You are the one who turned out RIGHT! I'm sure your dad is proud of you.
You have a great goal. Harboring bitterness is a road to nowhere. All it does is harm YOU.
"Well, they don't seem to want to come and they don't seem to want to invite us, so I'll let them go and not worry about it." Don't call or send gifts. It doesn't mean you don't care about them but you can't be drawn into their way of life.
It will get easier as time goes on. Don't give in to guilt. You'll be compromising yourself.