My dad refuses help, but he has lung cancer and cannot live alone anymore.
My father ,83, has lung cancer. He was cannot live alone anymore. He had a caregiver that was verbally abusive and stole money. His hospice caregivers and social worker made it clear that this was an unsafe environment for him to be in me and my siblings agreed. Some of us have offered up our homes to him. Even my Mother who has been divorced from him for 40 years has offered her home. He refuses us all. There is no money for in home care. All of his children live in other states. Some of us have tried to take turns in his care and the financial burden of missing weeks of work and driving those hundreds of miles has been devastating. We all have families and mortgages. He has several times agree to come stay with me but changes his mind. We do not want him to go in to a state paid nursing home. Yesterday I drove the seven hours to meet with the social worker, my older half sister was there. (her turn). He threw us both out of his house, saying he did not want or need our help. The social worker helped us out greatly and had him admitted to a respice care facility for 5 days. She does not want to call protective services to do an investigation, because we all know he will end up in a home. I do not know what to do…
A little back ground, He did not raise any of us kids, my half siblings had not spoke to him in 30 plus years and my siblings am I, did not meet him until we where in our mid 20’s. So some of us harbor a little bit of anguish towards him. So they have no desire to get involved. I don’t and won’t leave my family, my job, or my home. I feel like I am forced to leave my family to move to Kentucky to take care of him, but we cannot force him to move in with me, He is not mentally incompetent.
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So what do you owe him? You owe him all the humane things you would do for a friend or neighbor who was in the same boat. Take the social worker with you to explain his options: state nursing home care or living near one of his family members (I would NOT advise moving him in with any of you...this arrangement is challenging under the best of circumstances!) Ask the SW to tell him the consequences of not making a decision (ie: protective guardianship) where he will have no say in the matter.
You can only go so far in helping another human being. If you have done all you can, let the chips fall where they may and have him placed in a state facility. Then you can at least check up on him and come to visit as often as you deem appropriate. When he nears the end of his life, you can arrange hospice care.
Just do what you can. Do not beat yourself up over this...he has not been a father to any of you. Maybe that is why he has no emotional connection to his kids.
good luck
PS: does anyone have his POAs?