I am the only one without obligations, but I have lived independently for many years with cats, but no husband. My brothers want me to move back in with my parents to assist them, but Mom says no cats,which pains me greatly as they are my family too, not to mention the abrupt loss of freedom and feeling as if I were instantly back in high school. It is a small town with little job opportunities so they are planning on giving me an allowance! Wouldn't it be easier on all of us if I transitioned into this role less abruptly by getting an apt. nearby and spending the time needed, and then later moving in or convincing them to go to assisted living?
Start reading here about children who move in with parents. Get your parents to consider assisted living. A parent with dementia will need more and more help, beyond one person's capabilities. And when there's two failing seniors involved and brothers who expect you to do all of the work, it's a recipe for disaster.
Work together with your brothers (and their wives?) for getting some outside help in for your dad and mom. Don't give up your life (or your cats)! You deserve independence and happiness too. I'm sure others will weigh in with some good ideas, but DON'T DO IT! There are other options that don't involve you moving in and giving up your independence and your precious pets.
One thing I am thinking is that you would be doing your parents and family a tremendous favor, and the first thing they say is you'll have to give up something you love. Your response should be that your cats come with you. Period.
Really I think that you should consider other options before you do this. If you work you cannot afford to give up a paycheck and your retirement for a simple "allowance." You still do have to take care of yourself.
First, why would you be subject to the direction and mandates of your brothers? What authorizes them to tell you what to do, especially to make sacrifices to be a full time caregiver? And what are they doing?
Second, you're getting an "allowance"? Like a child? Why not a salary and enough to compensate for benefits you'd lose from a real paying job?
Third, what guaranty do you have they'll actually pay you?
Fourth, you should have a caregiver contract, with penalties for their failure to pay you, take deductions, etc. It should be drafted by an attorney, not your brothers.
Fifth, don't give up your cats. Demanding this kind of sacrifice is the biggest red flag of all. You'd be moving into a Cinderella type situation.
Sixth, you're not even on site and already you're being told what you have to sacrifice. What will happen if you do go there? You'll essentially be at the mercy of your mother and brothers. What else will they order you to do?
Don't do it.
You asked about getting paid - this is how; your brothers or your mother pay you.
In some instances you can collect social security for caring for your parents but they must qualify for assistance which they not
Most likely your parents will need to utilize all their assets including equity in their home to pay for care - some folks can lovingly quit their job and care for a parent but this is a personal choice
I cared for my mother for more than 8 years while working 50+ hours a week without even a weekend off while my brother and sister both retired did next to nothing- while she left me her home in her will , it is quite likely it will have to be used for her care in ALF which is private pay
This is like watching an old horror movie while the heroine decides to go into the dark basement to investigate a noise. And everyone in the audience is screaming in their minds, "Don't do it!"
Please don't be the foolish heroine and do it anyway. We see this scenario played out again and again on these discussion boards. Please, please, take our cautions to heart! Please, at the very least watch a few horror movies (that is, other posts on this site) before writing your script.
First of all, your parents have raised their children, worked, paid their taxes, faced life's obstacles. They deserve a cat-free old age if that is what they want. That simply means they need to make arrangements for help that do not involve cats. That lets you off the list. End of that discussion.
There are dog people and cat people and pet people and no-pet people. We each have out own preferences, which should certainly be respected. Where ever in the world is it written that your parents preference for no-cats is more important in the scheme of things than your preference for cats? Really? Who made up that rule? Because I just rescinded it for you. I'm sure I have as much authority in the matter as whoever made it up in the first place.
Whatever you do to help your parents, do it without giving up your cats. (I myself am in the no-pets camp, but I certainly respect other peoples rights and needs in this regard.)
Next, they are offering you an "allowance." The very way this is phrased is demeaning. The fact that they don't seem to realize this is scarier than the offer itself. They can use this allowance money to bring in household help such as a cleaning service, laundry help, meals on wheels or other food service, lawn and house maintenance, etc. This will free Mom up to focus on Dad better. And it certainly does not have to be done by family. (This is the kind of help I needed first to be able to care for my husband with dementia.)
Perhaps, if it also meets your own needs, moving back to their town, in your own apartment or house and continuing your career (with your cats, of course) would be suitable. You'd be close enough to visit often, maybe daily, give Mom breaks, perhaps stay with Dad some weekends, etc. (The kinds of things your brothers could and should also do.)
Your are the only family member "without obligations." I'm going to assume this is because you choose to live your life this way. That is a perfectly valid choice. It is every bit as valid as lifestyle choices your brothers made. So why it it your lifestyle that is going to be disrupted, and not theirs? Give this some serious thought. I suspect the answer is "because you're the girl and your life choices aren't as important as the boys'" Are you OK with that?
DON'T DO IT! Don't go down into that dark basement!!
Dear Elaine's Mom:
My heart goes out to you. Your life partner, your soulmate, your equal other half has now become your dependent. Emotionally this is devastating. On top of that you now have to do all the household things you used to do, all the things he used to do, and all the new things that taking care of him entails! This triple-whammy on top of the emotional distress is almost overwhelming. And it literally cannot be done without help.
What kind of help do you need? I suggest that you sit down with your children and discuss this in detail. Perhaps they can provide some of that help themselves and also help you figure out how to arrange the rest of it. Here are the kinds of help I needed:
1) Medication management. Both my husband and I took lots of pills. I tried lots of ways to lessen this burden on me. In the long run one of our daughters took over that task. She came every two weeks and filled two one-week pills boxes for each of us. She made the drug store order for refills. This was about an hour to two hours of her time about twice a month, and it was a huge relief to me.
2) Cleaning help. Nearly anyone can clean a house. I felt no one could care for my husband as well as I could. It made sense to pay someone else for the routine household task and free myself up to focus on him. I didn't want to use my children to take on this chore -- they were more valuable in direct contact with their Dad. (They did help out with the more heavy cleaning once in a while -- "Spring Cleaning" stuff.) I also simply lowered my standards a bit.
3) Meals. I'm an awesome cook and I like it, but I took a lot of shortcuts during those 10 years. There are fairly good frozen meals now. Take-out from nearby restaurants helped. Family contributions of hot dishes, casseroles, soups, etc. can be a godsend. Do you have family nearby who could help in this way? Even a child who visits once a month can bring several frozen meals and help out for much longer!
4) Yard work, home maintenance, things like cleaning the gutters, shoveling, filling the water softener tank were taken on by one son. For the year he was working out of the country I hired a handyman and lawn service. If you husband can still do some of these things I encourage you to let him, with some supervision, but lots of tasks will be beyond him. If you have a child who can come twice a month and do a list of chores for you, awesome! Otherwise, hire them done. And, again, lower you standards!
5) Respite: No caregiver can do the job 24/7/365 without breaks and also retain their sanity. Can't be done. I found a volunteer service that came in for a few hours at a time, so I could go out to lunch or have my nails done, etc.
The best thing in this regard was enrolling my husband in an adult-day-health program for a few days a week. I understand you are in a small community, but even if you have to look elsewhere in the county, this can be a fabulous option. It gave me a little free time and also gave my husband other adults to interact with and other activities for stimulation.
6) Direct care: As my husband declined, even though I was still the best person to care for him, I really needed more direct help with that. I had a PCA come in four days a week. She helped him bathe and dress, fixed him breakfast and lunch, watched television with him and talked about what they were watching, supervised him doing his exercises, did jigsaws with him, etc. She also helped me take him on some outings, such as to the county fair.
7) Social interaction: Here is where family can really shine! Take Dad to lunch. Take him for a haircut. Bring an iPad loaded with vacation pictures to show him. Just sit with him, while you take a nap or run errands. One of our daughters lived in a different state. She couldn't visit regularly but she came for a couple of weeks at a time and provided lovely respite. The local kids arranged to drop in often, and the semi-local ones came less often. Their Dad was always glad to see them.
I wish you every success in keeping your dear husband home with you as long as you can. You will absolutely need help to do this. I hope your children can work with you to find the resources you need to provide this help.
It sounds as though your family is unaware of the resources that exist for the care of the elderly. Help your mom contact the local area agency on aging, the alzheimers society, adult day care, etc. Perhaps accompny her and your dad to his next doctor's appointment and explain that your mom has no local support, what do they suggest in terms of level of care neded and how to access that.
When your brothers tell you that you "must" do something, laugh gently and say " oh, i couldn't possibly do that". Why? "Because I don't want to...why don't you?".
My siblings assumed I would sacrifice my life for my parents for the same reasons- "You are single and had no children"
Well I did, and I will never be the same strong woman I was.
How presumptuous and selfish of your brothers- they can hire someone
because you are not available to sacrifice yourself.
yes, that takes big courage to say and i wish I had.
I want to reach through the computer screen to strangle whomever suggests that if a daughter is single she should give up her job to take care of the parents. Or if a daughter has a husband, but no children, then the same request. Your time is just as valuable as that of your brothers. And your jobs are just as important as their jobs.
Yes, the family dynamic would change back to adult/child if you did move in. You would be once again 16. I wouldn't even move into an apartment nearby as you would find yourself eventually at your parent's place 24 hours a day. Forget the allowance, it would never pay the income you are now receiving. Nor would it be enough to put into Social Security/Medicare. And erase the idea of taking the train back to your old location to clean offices, you wouldn't have the energy.
Your Mom is smart, she knows she can no longer take care of a home AND take care of your Dad. If your parents can afford Assisted Living, let Mom move there first. She deserves a much needed rest. Your Dad may or may not follow her there, but that would be his choice. Just don't enable him so that he still stays in the house.
Your Mom is burning out for a reason, ask her what her day is like with your Dad from morning through the night. And have her be honest with you. And she should be able to tell you what your Dad likes to do to keep busy, if anything.
My Dad is just starting to have issues with memory, and with eyesight... he's happy just sitting in front of the TV watching 24 hour news. I am lucky, my Dad wanted to move to Independent/Assisted living as he knew his house was too much for him. Whew, what a relief.
I would tell your brothers that you can handle this for the summer, but starting in September you would need to be paid by the brothers or by your parents. Look into how expensive home care aids are. It's shocking. They don't get paid enough to live on, and yet they are too expensive for most middle class people to afford.
Unless you have a nice retirement account from your previous jobs, you can't afford to do this long-term. Before you start, make a list of rules, regulations and requests about how you are to be treated. Make the list twice as long so you can "give up" some demands without giving away anything important. Mom and Dad should make up a similar list. Don't forget, they drive you crazy, but you drive them crazy too! And don't give up your cats!!!!
This experience can be so rewarding, if you don't get trapped forever. You will discover strengths you didn't know you had. You will get to know your parents on a different level. It is satisfying to care for those who cared for you. And you can give them a month's notice and QUIT if it's too awful.