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My husband and I just bought a home in a different state, brought his Mother and my Mother, so all 4 of us live in same home.


They each have their own room down stairs, while my husband and I have all upstairs. Both moms have health issues but nothing major (both in their early 70s) and CAN take care of themselves for the most part.


Since we have been here they have decided that they need me for everything. Both are addicted to going to the Dr and my mom is the worst about it. Its like she is chasing a disease. She loves the special attention when she is "sick". I have already sent them to a 4 month mental health program.


I have problems/irritations with petty things...They won't do ANYTHING in the house. Won't cook, pickup after themselves, leave dishes on counter (have a dishwasher) throw toilet paper rolls in garbage. Change a garbage bag, they just pile it higher. Plus many other minor things that just seem to added up and increase my frustration.


Typing this out makes me feel terrible, but it seems like they are using up all my energy.


We are also expecting our first Grandchild and our daughter is having medical issues which she also wants attention.


Add a husband if 32 years and 2 fur babies (ours) the moms each have 1 of their own (4 total) . Husband helps out especially with cooking. He is restoring the home and I am running our online business.


I just feel used up/no energy and its only been a year.


Thank you for letting me vent.


Micasmom

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Does one or both of these ladies have dementia? If not I think Senior apartments in your town, and their getting their own transit to appointments, etc is the answer both to maintaining their own abilities to do their own lives, as well as your sanity. You do not mention any ages here? You could be on for another decade of two of this? Without boundaries it will be impossible and even with them, I cannot imagine. I of course already know myself to have been lifelong incapable of doing this with even one person, let alone two.
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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Mica, who is 51 years old, living in my home with anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, and vision problems."

Are you 51? In your post yous wrote that both of the mothers are in their early 70s.

Your sibling(s) and your H's sibling(s) must love the two of you, since you are doing the elder caregiving for both of your families! How did it happen that you have both of them living with you? If your mother is incontinent, she takes care of that?

I'm wondering if there isn't a bit of medical competition going on between these two women -- if one goes to the doctor, does the other one find something to complain about so she gets taken, too? I wonder if there is some competition about who does less around the house, too.

Do either (I hope both!!) of them pay money to live with you? They should be.

What are the plans for when they become older and more disabled? Do each of them have assets to hire caregivers? To perhaps eventually go to a facility?

Since you are home with the online business, it's all too easy for "mission creep" to happen, and indeed it sounds like it already has.
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CTTN55 - I am 51 and my husband is 54. I am an only child and my husbands brother is caring for their Dad. The moms are 73 & 74.
Yes, I do believe there is medicall competition but more for whom gets my attention. I have spoken to the drs and put them both on through a mental heath program that ran about 4 months.
My mom still drives. When we moved here my mother in law decided she was not going to drive anymore. My mother will drive them to go shopping and run errands, but then she gets tired (aka "sick")
They contribute to the food budget and thats all that is needed.
We plan to have them age in place, the house is setup for easy access via wheelchair when and if it becomes necessary.
I have an emergency medical background, as well as several years working in a convalescent hospital.
They are actually easier (for me mentally) when they are "down". Not sure why, except my brain can compartmentalize things better.

Each has had an issue since we moved that they were down for a period of time.

As far as helping around house the MIL has been the worst about it, although she has started in the last week to make coffee. Sounds stupid/petty but she would take the last cup and refused to make coffee. My mom will do things (empty dishwasher or sweep floor) when she feels like it (1 or 2x a month)
As far as my moms incontinence, yes she takes care of it. She has had bowl issues constipation to diarrhea. I have been telling her for almost a year its her meds (1/2 cause 1 the other half cause the other) but she went to urologist, had the colonoscopy, dr comes in to give me a report and says.....its her meds.. I have been trying to reduce her meds for a year and she wont back them down. Dr gave me this for "X" so i have to take it. I will be discussing the meds with her dr.
Mission creep is happening, my husband is really good at keeping them reminded that I do work, but as you well know things happen.
Thank you for your reply!
Micasmom
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How about "hey mom and MIL, since you moved in things are getting a bit busy and messy here, I think we need a cleaning lady, and since you two can't do that any longer, I am going to look into getting one, and you two can pay her. we can try once a week, and if that doesn't seem enough, maybe twice a week" And maybe some homecare they can afford for those pesky Dr visits. And maybe a dog walker,, all paid by them. If they are cheap, this may be a wake up call for getting them off their butts,, and off of yours! My mom used to clean here, felt that was her "job" as we were taking care of her and dad. When she could no longer do it, I said I would,, I mean,, hey I used to! She insisted on getting a gal in once a month ( all we really need, we are all tidy about trash, etc) God bless you, your are a saint!
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AlvaDeer
We just left SF Bay area

No, neither have dementia nor show signs of it. 1 suffered a minor stroke 6 years ago (full recovery) the other has MS but has had it for over 25 years and it is not progressive (per neurologist, no more new episodes) and does not really have any disabilities due too it. But they both like to pull the "I can't remember" card when it suits them.

They wont move to senior housing, nor do I want to have to run over there everytime they want something. In CA we had them living next door to us (they have been roommates since 2010, long story) even with them next door we got the "we dont see you" pressure. But now, i find myself spending most of my time upstairs, going downstairs to fix dinner and only when I have to. We sit down altogether to eat dinner. I still get the guilt over spending time from my Mom. But right now I just dont want to "hang out" with them.

Thank you for your post.
Micasmom
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You have kind of decided you want to do this, hon. I think you have been heading toward it a long time with them roommates next door. That is what they should still be. They are becoming more dependent and that is because you are not interested on working on boundaries and chores and so on for them. You are allowing them to set the rules and basically this is their home with you kind of the chore woman, or headed toward that I am afraid. I am 77. These gals are awfully young. They have a LOT of years left in them. These are years you should be more carefree, yet here you are, and this is a long long slow slide down about to happen. Decades worth. If it is already difficult I cannot imagine how much more so it will be. Yet and all you have been for a long time progressing PURPOSELY toward exactly this, so I think it is chosen. You say it is easier than having to go over and "do" for them all the time before? Huh? Like I said, I am 77. Hauling home my own groceries, doing my own home, negotiating the stairs, doing the garden, sewing, reading, off to museums, off to the library, dog fostering and dog walking. Where do I find this magic person to do it all for me? It honestly, I think, isn't good for them. Not for either of them. We are like kids. We get bored. We need mental challenges.
But this is clearly a thought out choice, and happening over time, so I am going to say it is YOUR choice, and likely overall a good thing for YOU. I could never do it, but we are all different.
There will be some tough times, but there are in all our lives, however we set them up.
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AlvaDeer, where is the backstory for this post? I looked at Micasmom's profile, and it doesn't show any other thread?
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Having 2 elders in your home, and under your care, who find it fun to have chronic illnesses is going to become a huge problem for you, as you're beginning to see. I'm not sure what you were thinking taking both of these youngish moms into your home...........it sounds absolutely horrible to me! At their age, they need to be stimulated and occupied doing things; not sitting around conjuring up their next illness or why it's time to see yet another doctor! Get them involved in senior activities in your area, in Silver Sneakers programs and various things of that nature. Give them each a set of chores to do around the house and certain expectations you have of them.............which is the very least they can do to contribute to the household they're living in. Nothing in life is free...........so what's THEIR cost for living with you? If it's free, then they'll continue to get worse. Set down some boundaries and some rules, and then enforce them. Otherwise, these old gals are bound to continue driving you batty as they make up their OWN rules!! Remember, structure prevents chaos.

Best of luck!
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Thank you for all the comments and suggestions.
I will be giving them a list of chores to help around house.
I have been trying to get them to use Silver Slippers, but will start pushing it harder.
Thank you all. I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions.
I am very greatful that I found this website.
Micasmom
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Yikes! I would start making other living arrangements, pronto. One or both of these ladies is likely to live another 20+ years. Once they are dependent upon you, your life is on-hold for a long time. You may end up spending more years caring for them than you did raising your children.
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CTTN, the backstory? I think all we have is this post. Below in response to our suggestions, Micasmom has given us a lot more information to update the top question asked. That's all I know.
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My heart goes out to you!

My mom that is 90 loves making as many doctor appointments when many times it's not needed.

Asked her this morning how many appointments does she have this week since I live with her and her reply was three.

Her response was, well, I'm afraid you may get a job soon and I need to see them.

I could go on and on about my situation but I'm too exhausted mentally right now.

Just continue praying everyday for strength.
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