Hi everyone. My mother moved in with me 30 years ago when my parents divorced. I have 2 brothers who don't lift a finger and I'm sick of it. Things got worse when my mother's companion lost his arm in an accident 27 years ago and he moved in with me as well because his kids don't lift a finger to help, either. It was supposed to be a TEMPORARY situation. Now they are both elderly with multiple health issues, I get NO HELP from ANYONE, the families are totally taking advantage of me, I'm becoming very resentful, and I'm stressed to the max. AND I HAVE NO LIFE! My mother has Menieres, thyroid issues, recurring cellulitis, carpal tunnel, and we're doing more diagnostics for other things. Her companion has diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, IBSD, labyrinthitis, supinated feet, he can hardly walk and he refuses to use his cane or walker, he's disabled, going blind in one eye, and his doctor wants to send him to a neurologist to see if he has beginning dementia. He rarely showers (maybe once every 2-3 weeks) or brushes his teeth or shaves. Also, he was supposed to have back surgery many years ago, but he's stubborn and angry and cantankerous and he fights with the doctors and refuses to have the MRI and surgery. He believes his doctors are trying to hurt him and take his money. His doc said he would be paralyzed without the surgery, and he could be paralyzed after the surgery. Instead, he took Hydrocodone for years for the pain, then he wanted more, so his doctor prescribed morphine which he's been taking for the past 3 years! He eats tortillas and candy all day and doesn't follow his diabetic diet, even though I make nutritious meals for both of them every day. His kids never return my calls or visit or help. My brothers have stopped replying to my texts and calls and are too busy traveling and partying and having charmed lives, and nobody seems to care! My mother and her companion go through my mail, listen in on my phone calls, spy out the window if I go anywhere or get picked up, they gang up on me and take jabs daily almost like they're tag teaming on me, they monitor everything I do like I'm 12 years old. My mother sits at the kitchen table on her laptop and has 2 Facebook accounts and is on Facebook 10+ hours a day, while her companion sits in front of her in his recliner chair all day and they watch the same annoying game shows and talk shows all day and hog up my family room and kitchen. If I go out, mom texts and calls non-stop. She gets fungal infections on her back because she sits on her computer chair all day. They've scared away all of my friends and boyfriends. Everyone refuses to come over because the two of them have cussed everyone out, made them feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, make them leave, and they make fun of everyone. So I can't even have visitors! It's almost like they're trying to isolate me. I have taken both of them to the ER so many times that I've lost count. I got tired of nagging them to remember their pills, remember to eat, remember their appts, remember to get up and walk around, etc. They get angry at me and tell me to leave them alone and arguments ensue. So I bought an Amazon Alexa and set up all of the reminders every hour of every day. It took me a long time to do that. Then they unplugged it!! Made me so upset! I nag them constantly to get going on their health issues. The more I nag, the more they resist me and arguments ensue and I get blamed for everything, the more I call my brothers and mom's companion's kids out of frustration and desperation, the more everyone ignores me. My friend is a psychologist and she said they are being very manipulative. She said they're enmeshed, codependent, and enabling each other. She also said they're using a maneuver called "splitting" (I had to Google all of this stuff!) It's enough that I've been taking care of my mother all these years with all of her health issues. But I can no longer care for him, especially with his worsening health issues, and he's not even related to me. And he's grumpy, he breaks things all the time, he leaves faucets running, leaves the stove burners on, leaves gates open, occasionally drops his pills on the floor and I've had to have my dogs' stomachs pumped twice already. My mother ALWAYS takes his side! I have to "sweep" my house before I go to bed to make sure it's safe. I'm putting locks on all of the gates and trying to "baby proof" the house. Every helpful suggestion I've made gets shut down and they yell at me. They blame me for everything that goes wrong. They placate me, make promises, then they fall back into their comfortable and unhealthy patterns. My friends are fed up. I'm exhausted. I've helped them and been there for them through everything. I'm not even legally anyone's caregiver. I asked a friend to help me find a mother in law attachment in town so I can take a break and get off of this "spinning teacups ride!" I want to take my dogs and leave, and let these two suss it out.
Do they pay rent?
Does eviction sound like a possibility?
So what has happened that has brought you to the end of your tether? - And how old are all the parties concerned?
Please don't misunderstand, I am cheering loudly for you that you have decided things must change. It's just that this is definitely not before time! And people will be able to make more practical suggestions if we understand what the situation is right now.
However, the center of the issue is you, and you're the only one who can change things, such as refusing to continue in this situation any more.
If your mother and the male friend don't have funds, tell them to apply for Medicaid and find new homes. And stick to it - that won't be easy. But you've got to get them out of your house, and perhaps even your life.
There's a similar situation of an abused woman asking for help in this thread:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-adapt-to-a-new-household-dynamic-433503.htm
It would be helpful to read the entire thread, her plea for help, justification for her tolerance and eventual recognition that she's the only one who can change things.
You might also consider getting APS involved to help find placements for them.
One thing is for sure: as long as they're there, you're going to be miserable. Or sick, or sicker, or dead - all before your time.
I think you also could benefit from therapy to address your own enabling behavior.
I'm not being blunt to be cruel, but I do think it's necessary to be able to see this very abusive situation for what it is. These people make Cinderella's stepsisters and cruel mother look like angels.
The only constant in all these scenarios is yourself.
For that reason, I doubt you have taken anyone's advice to leave.
ShiTzuMama, Take your dogs with you.
And please don't judge me, I feel terrible enough about all of this as it is.
My aunt took care of my grandparents for 15 years (Parkinson's, cancer, stroke, paralysis, multiple health issues). It almost destroyed her! They were mean to her and manipulated her, despite all of her sacrifice and caregiving. She had no life. Her health is bad now. She went through what I'm going through. I've heard many similar stories. So I'm not the first one to go through this, and I'm definitely not the last!
@Sendhelp -- no one has given me advice to leave!! It's my house! What my family and his family have been doing all along is using me as a dumping ground, and not taking my calls because they don't want their charmed fun filled stress free lives affected! They'd rather I do all the grunt work for their parents! I hear that this is very common, unfortunately.
Choosing to leave was MY DECISION because all other options have failed!!
This was supposed to be a temporary situation. I've been trying to get both of them out for many years. There's always a health crisis that prevents this, and multiple ER visits, rehab, everybody gets involved and all of the pressure is on me all over again, and the cycle continues. They both have been very sickly for a very long time!
I've been at the end of my tether for a long time, and especially the last 2 years. I don't have any allies. I didn't know until recently about my legal rights, and all of these resources. I have been seeing a counselor because I'm so miserable with this set up. I got a few phone numbers and websites from this counselor.
There have been several catalysts -- broken engagements, worsening and scary health issues that they refuse to address, mental changes/depression/early dementia which is unsafe for everyone, friends pressuring me, my own health issues from the stress
In my last 2 sentences, I wrote that I have a friend actively helping me look for a place to stay in town WITH MY DOGS so I can get out of here while these two suss it out. We are hoping to find something in the next week. It's not easy moving out of your OWN HOUSE and taking multiple dogs (many places don't allow dogs or only allow 1-2), and leaving these two alone! It's terrifying! And it's ridiculous!
I also have a charity coming tomorrow to take MY furniture that's been in his bedroom for donation because the house is so cluttered with his stuff. He is a hoarder, he orders crap off of HSN and the Internet and packages arrive almost daily full of more junk. Not to mention he pays for two storage facilities that are full of gadgets and stuff he buys off of the Internet. I can hardly walk in his bedroom it's piled high with boxes and a lot of stuff...
I have vacation time coming up. I told my mother that I'm sick of this set up, I warned her that I'm looking for a place to stay and she needs to make arrangements for her and her companion, I need a break, and I'm taking my dogs. She got so upset that she threatened to call the SPCA on me! WTH?! Why would she say that? My dogs are my babies and are pampered to the hilt! Is she purposely trying to ruin my life? Is this the manipulative maneuvering that aging parents do when they want their way and don't want change? Is this typical?
My mother falls apart any time I mention sending her companion somewhere else. They've been together a long time. And when I mention taking my dogs and leaving, she falls apart. It really does break my heart! They have this idea that "the family mobile" can stay together forever. I've suggested a counselor or therapy for all of us to find a solution. They placate me then sweep it under the rug. And nothing ever gets done.
Everybody pays/contributes. And they pay for their own extras (all the movie channels they want, etc).
My current boyfriend is ready to jump ship as well. He's sick and tired of being cussed out by these two, no privacy, he feels unwelcome, their never ending health crises cause us to cancel plans a lot, and he doesn't want to move into this mess. It's extremely difficult to have a relationship with a parent plus one living here.
I don't know where to send them? No one will take them in.
Your mother and her companion are mentally ill. They need professional care. Your mother is using Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to manipulate you.
Don't fall for it.
Since you have put up with this abuse (and that's what it is) for 30 and 27 years, I'm wondering if you will really be able to do what it takes and get them out. Haven't you considered this before now?
If your boyfriend had written to us here and asked what to do, many of us would have said to sever the relationship, because you will never make your mother and her companion leave.
Please follow through with your plans. As others have said, the next ER visit refuse to take him or her back. You are unable to meet their needs. That is what you tell the medical folks.
And come back to let us know how you are doing!
I'd go with the eviction. Get them out. ASAP. Get rid of their junk and let them figure this out for themselves. You owe them absolutely nothing, not one second of your precious time or energy.
Keep going to counseling, if possible. You've got a real unhealthy dynamic going on now and it's not going to get better. Kicking out your mom and her BF are going to be hard and you will need emotional support.
Good Luck with this---really. You deserve a life free from this negative duo.
The reason why I agree, is because I had to do that very thing with an extremely close friend who suffers from multiple mental and physical health issues. His family had given up trying to help him. Like you, I invited him to stay with me, with the agreement that it would only be temporary. He began using my home as if it was his.
Every time he would go off his meds, he would show up at friends and neighbors, and frighten or harass them. They would call and text me as I became his "unofficial" care giver, or they'd call the police.
10 + years went by, and I'd had all I could take. The insults, verbal abuse, the "assumption" by everyone that I would care for him the rest of his life. I couldn't bear to evict him, so I did what turned out to be the best thing for everyone involved.
We were in the ED in an examination room, waiting for the Social worker to arrive. He started to get angry at me, because he didn't want to be there in the first place. The insults and cursing began to rain on me. It was the final straw. I told him that I needed to use the restroom, grabbed my jacket and my purse, and I walked out of the room, and kept going. Suddenly I found myself outside of the hospital. I got in my car and drove off, crying. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
It took a couple of years, ( the situation hadn't developed overnight!), and much protesting on his part, and denial on his family's part, but he is now being cared for by his family, who live in another part of the state. We still keep in touch.
Should you choose to take the ED route, I suggest that BEFORE the time comes, that you remove your name and ALL of your personal and contact information as the "Emergency contact", and change it to your Brothers for your Mom, and her Companion's to the person who you think would be the one most likely to help him. If you feel self conscious about asking for it to be done, let the person know that you need a form to fill out as the person's health insurance has changed.
Make sure that you do this at the ED(s), and all Doctors, PAs, NPs, PT/OT,home health etc where you are listed as the Emergency contact for either your Mom, or her Companion.
The hardest, most heart wrenching part will be to not cave in to the guilt trips that everyone involved (yourself included) will try and lay on you. Not just the families, but friends of your Mom and her Companion. Surround yourself with friends, neighbors, and anyone who has your best interest at 💓, and most importantly, keep busy! Get out of the house and do the things, go to places that you enjoy. Find a new hobby. Just avoid places that will remind you of your Mom.
Speaking of places that will remind you: obviously your home will be the most difficult. If you can afford it, get everything of your Mom's, all of the triggers, and get them out of YOUR house. Move them to a storage unit, add your brother's name and contact information when you sign the contract for the unit, (so they can legally have access to your Mom's belongings), and send them a copy of the contract and the key to the lock.
As far as the Companion's hoarded belongings in your home, send a registered letter to his family informing them that they have a certain amount of time to get his stuff. Also let them know that either the Companion or POA must put in a change of address, or all mail will be Returned to Sender.
If they don't come and get his stuff, call up a charity that agrees to bring a truck, and donate the things that are in good condition, or have a yard sale, (or both!) and trash the rest.
Forward any important mail to your Mom's new address and let her know that she needs to put in a change of address.
Depending on how complex your financials might be entwined, you might want to consult with an Attorney for the next step.
If you have any: Don't forget to either close any joint investment, checking/savings, credit card accounts, and safety deposit boxes, or remove your Mom's name; if they belonged solely to you. The most important ones are any credit cards that you are the Primary account holder. Don't forget to change any PIN #s, and deactivate any additional cards.
You might want/need to change your phone number, and email address so that you aren't inundated with calls and texts, Either set up a new FB page, or block/unfriend anyone who isn't looking out for your best interest.
From your post it appears that your Mom is computer literate. Don't take a chance with your passwords. Change
them to ones she can't guess on any online shopping sites that are linked to your credit/debit or checking acct; especially online banking accounts, or PayPal account.
Please don't stop going to your Counselor. Mine helped me deal with problems that I never would have thought I would encountered, and taught me ways to deal with them.
Whatever path you choose to take, know that we are here for you. Whatever the stumbling block, chances are that someone else has encountered them. Feel free to private message me. {{{{hugs}}}
I called my veterinarian and got the green light to move my older dog (he's fragile with cataracts) to a different domicile. So mom can't threaten me with calling the SPCA, which is madness on her part. My dogs are healthy, fit, and happy. Her dog is obese and aggressive.
My loser brother is always threatening legal action against anyone and everyone, including my mother and my other brother, cause he wants more money. Now he knows we're having major issues here so he's turned his attention towards me and is very interested in getting what he can get out of this unraveling madness. Now I'm more worried about the house. My mother has never been a mother. She won't stand up to him. She never parented. I parented her. She's like a child.
I'm supposed to meet with my friend on Monday to find somewhere to live (we are looking for a mother in law attachment next to someone who likes dogs). I HOPE something comes up next week. I'm so desperate to get away I've even looked at buying a trailer as a temporary escape to get away from them and park it somewhere peaceful. One of my friends recommended it. I've been looking for weeks. When mom found out, she called me "trailer trash." Who does that?!! Is she losing it, or just very very mean?
I get the impression that mom and her companion want me gone and they want the house all to themselves. They are very combative, nit picking, critical, judge mental, and they're always wanting to argue over anything. It's a train wreck.
I have 30 years worth of stuff in this house. I'll never be able to move it all in a month. I have 2 duffle bags and 1 suitcase. I've started filling them little by little with just the basics. And I'm doing it alone, and it sucks! And I have to do it here with these two, and they won't even leave and give me peace to go through the house. They follow me everywhere. And I'll have to return to get my mail and more of my things.
I don't have the strength to fight back anymore. They are so combative and manipulative and constantly out maneuvering me. They have sucked the life out of me. I'm emotionally drained and demoralized. I'm physically ill. My stomach feels like something is tearing inside, I've been losing weight, headaches and dizziness, ears ringing, exhausted all the time, nightmares, nausea. I can't even get my own doctor appts in because these two are always sickly and needy. I need a break and some rest. They treat me horribly. I feel like a THING that they use, I don't even feel human. I'm just a tool or accessory.
I was so upset tonight I told my mother that once I'm gone, I'm going to get a blog or Facebook going and tell all the ugly truth about what's been going on. She's been smearing me, my friends, and my boyfriends for years, while I've been taking care of her and her companion, so I might as well try and clear my name. I'm tired of them lying to everybody. I said it out of anger and frustration because I'm sick and tired of them trashing me for helping them. They are toxic.
I've tried to ship them to my brother's house to stay for a while. He suggested a weekend. I told him he should keep them for more than 2 weeks to see how they REALLY are. He said he doesn't have time. And mom keeps making excuses not to go.
My HOPE is that by me leaving them alone to fend for themselves, taking my dogs out of harms way, taking myself out of harms way, maybe this drastic action will cause drastic action on their part! They won't have anyone to wait on them or enable them. I'm leaving them lists of phone numbers, emergency contacts, and their LONG overdue to do list of health issues to address immediately. I did my part, now they can do what they want with it. I need a place to go to convalesce, have some peace and quiet, strategize, heal, and begin to UNTANGLE myself from this mess! I'm outnumbered and outlawyered at the moment. I can't stay with friends cause of my dogs, I can't go to a hotel, I have nowhere to go thanks to them. I'm feeling so much resentment towards them. I used to feel deep love for my mother. Now I feel like she's the enemy and I can't trust her at all. It's tragic.
If this all works out, I have this weekend to pack what I can, leave with my dogs, and hope for the best. It's going to be a monumental move and change, especially with no help at the moment. I hope my dogs and I survive this and it all works out. I'm very very exhausted. And if we make it through this, and if I can get them out, I swear I will NEVER let anyone stay in my house ever
again, I'm so TRAUMATIZED by this madness, I don't care who it is!
I feel more isolated and alone right now than I've ever felt in my life.
Are your dogs good travellers? I'm just wondering if it would be possible for you to hire a camper van, or modest Winnebago? Is that what I mean? - and just get away for a couple of weeks with nothing to do but breathe and think. But I suppose it's not really the right time of year to be on the road.
I can understand your desperate longing to escape. But the idea that you're sneaking your possessions into a couple of boxes and climbing out of a window makes me scratch my head.
This is YOUR house, yes?
I don't think you can expect to undo three decades of precedent quickly. I don't either think you should continue to accept the status quo. But when people recommend you get legal advice, it's not with the idea of preparing for a court battle royale. It's to have experienced guidance on what the right, steady, firm procedure is for removing people from your home who have no title to it and no formal right to live there.
It's not you who should be leaving, and I think it would be a mistake.
But I also think you need to get away, get some sleep and clear your head.
Make more allowance for how long this has been going on and how deeply embedded you are in the situation. So it's not so much how dreadful your mother and her partner are (we've seen worse, believe it or not), as how firmly established they are. It's going to take time and stamina.
Go to a lawyer. Start eviction proceedings against your mother and her companion.
They are mentally ill; always have been and always will be. They need professional help.
Hey, if your family and the neighbors already hate you and think so little of you, then evicting these folks is not going to do an iota's worth of damage to your reputation. Down the road, you can sell the house and start over somewhere else without the baggage.
Get.a.lawyer!!!!!