I feel like no one in my life understands how hard this is. I am a middle aged mom of three teenagers, a full time job, married and take care of my elderly parents who are 84 and 87. My father has moderate Alzheimer's and very limited mobility due to spinal issues. My mother has heart issues and is also limited with movement due to hip issues. Its emergency hospital trips/ stays, doctor visits, coordinating care, picking up medications, etc. etc. never mind just being with them. The sadness of watching them slowly get worse day after day. I get very little support from my siblings (surprise, surprise) and no sympathy/empathy from my friends. I feel like no one understands how incredibly hard this is. It is super lonely. Anyone else feel like this and how do you deal with it?
I'm still searching for coping mechanisms; probably always will be as the journey changes routes along the way. The paths are not straight but rather are curvy, sometimes too narrow and sometimes too wide, and sometimes frightening.
Listening to music helps me a lot, especially to and from medical trips and errands. I've also learned not to cram too much into one trip. In the past I tried to consolidate medical trips with one in the morning and one in the afternoon, but now that's too much, especially in the colder weather.
I just got so tired of the driving, even though my father doesn't live that far away. Part of the issue is the hassle of metropolitan area driving, with so many poor and irresponsible drivers on the road.
So what I do instead is limit any "work" to one medical trip, then plan an outing such as lunch or dinner to relax after our "work day". It helps both of us unwind and relax, although it often means spending another day driving around.
Housecleaning, especially deep cleaning, sorting and downsizing also helps redirect my focus.
Gardening is the best therapy for me though, so in the winter when I can't garden, I read gardening magazines, design new beds, draw up elaborate plans for the next gardening season.
I also read a lot; fiction novels are especially good for redirecting weary minds.
I used to draw and work with colored pencils, but haven't done that lately and miss it. Same applies to needlework; I haven't crocheted, knitted or sewed in years, but it was always relaxing, especially something like crochet or knitting which I can pick up and work on for a while every night.
To the extent you can, plan for any emergencies; I keep lots of blankets in the car, my father's medical history generally with me when I take him anywhere, buy lots of extra food that can be frozen in case I can't get through in inclement weather.
I'm trying to eliminate the last minute issues, so that I can use my time better.
I don't have any answers. Really this seems like sheer craziness after a while.
My parents did the single family home stuff up into their 90's, which was ridiculous in my opinion. I was always running there and there. And waiting for the telephone to ring with the next emergency.... [sigh]. The only people who understood what I was going through were those who had or were going through the same thing, like my boss understands 100% as his wife had Alzheimer's. Even my sig other was clueless to my exhaustion, he figured it was just woman's work.
Now if your parents are living in an Independent Living building, some such complexes offer another level of care for a fee. Such as pill management, the facility does all the work. Same with ER visits, they call the ambulance. Some facilities also drive the elder to and from doctor appointments, and a Staff members goes in with the elder to see the doctor.
I thank God for his constant presence and strength that reinforces mine. I also have family and some friends that aren't very close. It's God that's the close friend and the one I can count on. Caregiving and health problems have isolated me quite a bit for years now. I look forward to being more active and starting to know more people and making more friends in the future when my husband is no longer here. It may take time, but it'll happen.
1. Respite care
2. Let your family and friends help you
3. Find caregiver support groups or ask help from communities
4. Get treatment
Loneliness and isolation is deeply rooted to withdrawal from past habits and lifestyle of caregivers. They are left to fulfill their caregiving duties while their friends go on with their lives. Since they are dominated by the responsibility of taking care of their loved ones, they isolate themselves from their social circle.
I hear you. It is hard being a caregiver. You loved your dad and did so much for him. I am in the same situation. My dad passed last year. I made caring for him my whole life. The last three years were the hardest. I do sympathize and empathize with how are you feeling. My siblings were not as involved as I was, so it has been much harder on me.
I feel lost without my dad. I don't know what to do with myself since my whole day was wrapped up in taking care of my dad. I know it will take some time for my mind to accept this new phase in my life. I have tried different things to help my mind settle a bit. Everyone is so different. What works for one person doesn't work for another. But if you are interested consider counseling, joining a support group or reading different bereavement books.
Take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.
I bought an old RV. I started renovating it a couple months ago (very slow because I get very little time to work on it). I suppose it will take me a couple years to finish it. Good, I'm not going anywhere for a while.
I spend my evenings reading about every aspect of this renovation. I am almost an expert on RV construction! I plan my travel, and research every area of the continent for places that I want to see and enjoy,
This keeps me sane.
Find something that you have a consuming interest in...and research it to the best of your time and ability.
It pays to be curious ... take up a field of study.
meanwhile -at their age, their few friends started to die. They live in a small rural town, so not many new friends to make.
My step mom (internet shy) advertised for other house-bound caregivers in their county to meet on a conference call twice a week to chat and vent and help each other. It was a God-send for her and the others. My dad would get crabby that she was on the phone - so she took the call in the garage :). Now that my dad is in the nursing home - she and a couple of other women on the caregiving call have gone to the casino together.
I think only people who have been through what you are dealing with can understand and empathize. If you can find a support group here, by phone, or through a church etc.
Also, there might be a time where you need to place your parents in a nursing home. It is OK - you didn't cause their illness. Your kids might need you also.