Why are you so unthankful for what your parents did for you. Get a grip - make a list of all they did for you. It has to be long - rather than thinking of yourself write down one thing every day of what they did, e.g., making your breakfast, washing your clothes, taking you to school. Just one thing a day would make your list last for years. Now they need help do so willingly and be glad you can do it. Sit down with your parent(s) before they need help so badly and discuss what they want or need. You don’t get old overnight but it will come to most of us. All parents were not perfect but they did bring you into this world, at least honor them for that.
Babies/children also don't come with an IOU attached to or printed on them. Most, as adults, do help their parents with most anything and do so willingly, but not because they Owe their parents for taking care of them when they as babies/children were helpless. They do so out of love, and respect.
People who come here are venting their struggles, asking advice, and support. Not many people want to listen to that or understand it except those of us who are going through or have gone through similar situations.
You're right, no one gets old overnight, yet many parents' children Are older and maybe in their retirement or raising their own children. They didn't plan on having children in their retirement years or more to add to those they've got .. and that's what it's like taking care of an older person.. but it's someone who will never grow up or be independent. None of these grown children/adults should be expected by their parents to forego their own lives to care for them. Parent/s who expect that really shouldn't have had children.
Mothers like her are why this forum is in existence.
Children need love to be nurtured. They need guidance to learn ‘right from wrong.’ Should a child pay a parent back for those things in later years? The reward or ‘payback’ for good parenting is simple, the child grows up to become a responsible adult who is able to support themselves because parents do not live forever.
Why would you assume that your child owes you anything else? Society is always changing. We evolve, move forward and adapt to our circumstances.
We no longer live in a society that does not provide facilities for the elderly. Yes, many years ago there were no assisted living facilities or nursing homes so children did care for their parents.
Women did not work outside of the home. Hell, women couldn’t even vote. Now we have women in office and one day we may have a woman for president!
We get an education, we vote, we work, we support ourselves as single women or we marry if we choose to and have children if we so desire. If not, we use birth control.
We may choose to care for our parents or we may choose to help find a suitable facility for their needs.
Thankfully, we live in a modern world with choices. I have often pondered what it must have been like to live in the past.
Some things were exciting in the past. I truly admire the early pioneers. They paved the way for us and I am grateful to them. Some things in the past are heartbreaking. The ‘good old days’ weren’t always so good.
Each generation wants a better future for the next one. We as parents teach many things to our children that will encourage them to succeed in life.
Asking children to put their lives on hold in order to take care of parents as they age and need more and more care is not helping them succeed.
Caregiving often holds adult children back. It will cause emotional and physical exhaustion. It will fill their lives with stress and anxiety. Is this what you desire for your children? That would be the last thing that I would want for my daughters. I love and respect them too much to ever ask that of them.
I am not heartless by any means. I sincerely hope that you will receive suitable care for all of your needs as you age.
”Gee, I wonder how mom handled all you crybabies when you were all young and also teenagers. Did your mom ever tell you something was none of your business. This should not be called aging care but children who never their parents. Remember what goes around comes around. I purchased a good nursing home policy 20 years ago so I would not have to listen to grips that I have read from adult children on this site.”
what a terrible thing to post on a thread where an OP is looking for support dealing with a mother suffering from dementia and all the horrible behaviors it causes!
and now she’s here suggesting burnt out caregivers seek professional help and get on medication? Really? And sendhelp thinks we’ve misjudged her? Nonsense!
and if she has a LTC care policy so she doesn’t have to listen to her children gripe about taking care of her, why doesn’t she use it then? What a contradiction on her part. Apparently she thinks they owe her something and should be taking care of her yet she has a LTC policy So she doesn’t have to listen to her kids gripe? She should use it then.
I for one am interested in hearing from this caregiver, now needing help.
We could end up like her, a l o n e .
She had a husband with aspergers, so she is a caregiver herself. She cared for her parents. She has gripes, just as we all do.
I think you all have misjudged her, she belongs here with the rest of caregivers who may get short-tempered, angry, grouchy, and elderly too soon. imo.
Can we all vent, gripe, complain, but she does not get to?
And I am sure the OP did not mean to overgeneralize, she did not mean everyone on aging care. Just the "poor me, griping adult children".
It's just frustrating when he screams because he wants to travel like he use to and feels stuck. I try to take him places.
Sometimes though, he doesn't feel up to going anywhere because of his foot pain.
When my husband and I go somewhere, Dad feels bad.
Either my Dad wants to go out with us, or we stay home with him. We barley have a life.
My heart goes out to you. Aging is not always a pleasant part of life's journey.
What you read here are from individuals who need a place to feel understood and to talk with someone who has the faintest idea of what they are going through.
Many people here did not have the best of parents and they are doing the best they can in their situation. It is hard to provide care for your parents even under the best of relationships.
I took it upon myself to move my parents in with me several years ago. My Dad has since passed.
I love my parents dearly, and I did not have a lovely childhood, but I know they tried their best for their situation and circumstances.
Even though I love my parents dearly and try to show the love of Christ, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I thank the Lord everyday that I do not have children, so they will never know this feeling.
Even though I love my Mom dearly and will do all I can to make her life as pleasant and happy as possible, this is super hard. Only by the grace of God have I learned much patience and to show mercy and compassion.
But when we provide care for our parents, we lose ourselves. We obtain so much guilt( when we do nothing wrong and even more so if we do), we lose privacy and we lose our adultness.
Even though I love my Mom dearly, and I would not have things any other way, i want you to understand, the reason that you think you see a bunch of "poor me's", it is because this is a lonely, difficult and sacrificial labor of love.
Not everyone is cut out for this position and not everyone chooses this. But please understand my heart goes out to you, but you should not come here and judge those that are here for support.
There are a lot of other ways to go about getting support yourself, and by putting down those struggling that is truly not the way to do it. I will be praying for you and I hope you understand that we as children do what we can, what we are able, and what we choose. That does not make us neither bad nor good. Life is different for everyone, and if you approach your comment differently, there are a lot of people here that would have been more than happy to love, support and encourage you.
The forum is supportive of caregivers and a safe place to vent, support and help each other.
I do not owe my parents anything, nor do you kids owe you anything.
How bout you give us a break. Sorry you need care yourself, but please don't take it out on US. We are a compassionate bunch of people here, whether you believe that or not!
Good luck to you.