I am so, so tired. Yes, we have a history, yes, I'm the black sheep. I couldn't care less about the details at this point, but only the outcome, which is my disgust. I don't want to see her anymore, do anything for her, buy her anything, go for visits, etc. On a weak day, I can see myself slipping and doing this, but I know she'll turn the thing into all about her. I don't care that she has dementia. She seems to be doing quite well being her old nasty self to everyone, so she hasn't lost that at all. You can easily see it because her evil narcissist behavior is like her "signature." All I hear, is "oh, well, the poor thing has dementia so you should overlook oddities in her behavior because she can't help it." Yeah, right. That is total BS. She finds it easy enough to be as controlling and nasty as possible with her personal attacks, the "poor me" thing, the part that is so mean you'd think she ate nails for breakfast. More than anything, I want this woman out of my life. If that's death, then so be it. I wasn't put on this earth to be continually beaten down like a dog. I'm not responsible for whether or not she gets COVID but my brother thought so and brought her home from AL to protect her. Protect her? What about ME? He doesn't really do anything and leaves it all to me. She has managed to turn my brother against me (he's like a little puppy dog looking for anything he can do to get her approval). My patience is worn thin and I have nothing to offer this mother except a roof over her head and directions to the same fridge where she can fix the same sandwich I'm eating. I'm not cooking for her, I'm not cleaning for her, I'm not going to pick up this and that at the store, I'm not going to listen to her berate me and my other siblings, I'm not going to listen about how terrible her paid caregivers are. I don't care. I just don't care. It is stupid to love someone who treats you like sh*t. I don't care what anyone thinks about this caring game. COVID may run wild for who knows how long, but I've got the ovary dispenser packed up and ready to go back to AL. Good luck, have a nice life, leave me the h*ll alone. I am so done with her/it I can barely see straight. And now she's put this barrier between my brother and me that is the worst fight we've been in since we were in our teens. I absolutely refuse to lift another finger. I am so angry...angry by the guilt that is shoved on me by this society and the expectations that we take care of our abusive parents. Why? It does nothing for me except hurt me all my life. I wish I lived across country, I wish she'd just disappear. I can't say I hate her because there's not that much emotion left in me. She robbed me of so much in my life, of a normal family, normal relationships. It's taken me well over 50 years to learn that I am okay as I am. I'm not sure of my next steps except to figure out every little thing I can to stay away from her personally and as a topic. At one point recently, I tried out a boundary with her showing basic respect to me and others. I was very calm and kind and explained about trust and deep relationships. She said very simply "I have no respect for you at all." And then she laughed and laughed.
well, dad went strolling around. The neighbors down the street were remodeling, and the police found him wondering in the house. not safe.. he has dementia.
"Dad, I am sorry, I told you, if this happened again, I am going to have to move you."
He found a place for dad, near him. the facility has a piano, can dad loves to play piano...
Dad seemed happy. He didn't argue anymore. It turned out okay.
Maybe, you can [ut house rules down in front of your mom, and tell her, if she doesn't obey... we will need to find a better place for you :)
Easier said than done with covid..
Hope you find a good solutions for your family.
I’m sorry that it is obviously being absolutely horrible for you. Sure, stay as far away as you can.
You owe your mother nothing. And yes, that means that you do NOT have to be her caregiver. No where is it written that children must care for their aging parents. No where. You must take care of yourself, first and foremost. If that means you move out and leave her with your brother, then so be it. You have to do what's best for you at this point in your life, not what's best for your mom. She'll be fine in her misery with whoever and where ever she ends up.
So time to put your big girl panties on and find a place of your own. You deserve so much better. Quit taking the abuse and start making a better life for yourself. You can do it!!!
"More than anything, I want this woman out of my life. If that's death, then so be it. "
You need to check yourself. No matter what your mother does or has done, don't let that change who you are. Don't you become that person that you are accusing your mother of being. You are becoming bitter and what you say about your mother is harsh.
I am not knocking you but I am trying to help you. You know your limitations so back off and do not allow this to come into your heart. Anger and bitterness in your heart for your mother.
It is not about kissing up like you may feel your brother is doing. It is about finding a middle ground. Regardless, do the right thing.
In life, we are accountable for our own actions. Evil for evil is never the right thing to do. It may be hard for you to do but do the right thing.
Just back away some and learn to forgive. You will feel a whole lot better. I know you can't feel good holding bitterness for her.
If you really want the situation to change, you will have to do something drastic such as consulting an attorney to force a partitiion lawsuit. Was your mother paying for AL? If so, then perhaps she can buy you out.
Please let us know what you are planning to do. If nothing, that is okay, too, as it's your choice. Many on here have no intention of ever changing their situation.
Is your mthr going back to AL or not?
If yes, fine.
If no...You have exactly ZERO obligation to provide housing or hands on care for your mthr. If your brother chooses to do so, he can do it on his own time, at a property he doesn't own jointly with you. Lay down the law.
Can you get away for a few days? Might add to your clear-headed thinking.
Why are you afraid of what brother might read here? It is YOUR truth.
PS, seems to me that your brother treats you the same way mthr does, with no respect. Lawyer up and get out of the house deal.
If he brought her to his home and you are living with him you can move out if you want no contact with her. Again you have no obligation to care for her if that was not part of the "deal".
If she is on AL, MC you have no obligation to see her. Or have contact with her. If you' re on forms granting them the ability to share information you can keep it as contact only with the facility.
If she is living in her own home and you are living in her home then the only solution is to move out.
Hold on tight to yourself until you can get to your counselor.
You have the symptoms of caregiver burn out, and you are not alone.
Your brother cannot force you to care for her, or even to stay one more minute with her.
Pack a little go-bag and stay anywhere but there until this resolves. It is unsafe for your own sanity to stay, imo.
If there is any intervention needed before you go, call APS.
Don't drive if you are upset, call a friend to come pick you up.
Right now, you are responsible for only yourself and your own actions, no one else. There is no shame, no guilt needed, just relax, take the necessary steps to walk out the front door, with your head up.
I know no one who says that anyone should care for an abusive person. You say your mother has dementia now, but was never different when well.
For the most part, children stay around abusers because they hope to hear that they "are good" or "did good". They are trained to be the servers and slaves.
At one point you say you shouldn't have to visit her in care.
At another you say you can only offer her a roof over her head.
I hope you can tell me that this woman does not now living with you, or you with her. If so, that needs to stop at once.
For whatever reasons (and they were HER REASONS) she gave birth to you. She then used you as a whipping post. It's time to move away from her now, and if you must do that with putting 3,000 miles between you, then do it. The State will care for her as they would care for someone who never HAD children.
The opinions of others? Why would you care? Are you still waiting to hear someone tell you that you are OK? That comes from within for us all, and it comes of making good solid choices and behaving with dignity and grace; one can't do that when one is stuck in a web of abuse.
Only by removing yourself from the abuse can you some day move on in a way that will remove your anger and leave you with a period of grieving, forgiveness of human frailty, strength, and recognition that you had the very bad luck to be born into an abusive situation but have made a wonderful life despite that.
If you don't heal yourself, then the cycle stands a good chance of continuing; that is how abuse works. It will take great courage to move away from what you KNOW, from how you have been TRAINED. Get professional help. Stick with it even when it gets uncomfortable, and if the therapist is any good it WILL get uncomfortable. I wish the best to you and for you and I am so sorry at the lottery that drew that particular Mom for you. If you stick around on the forum you will understand that you are not alone in your grief.
I am glad I hear this positive side of you. You are sounding much better already.
Take it easy. "Let go of those feelings." Relax. You can do this.
Beat all of this with kindness. Step away when you have to and breathe.
Your mother may even change if she sees she is not getting to you.
Play along like your brother. It seems to work for him and mom.
Go girl. :)
Your mother calls APS on you and your brother, claiming neglect and abuse? She needs to go back into professional care.
I get why you thought bringing her out of AL was a good thing, but if it is the drama of trying to get you guys into trouble that prevents your mother from declining I think thats too high a price to pay.
I would also take a weekend off or a week. Let dear brother be there for Mom. Even if its to rent a Hotel room somewhere and enjoy eating out alone. You need to get away and regroup. No one who has been abused in any way and continues to be should be a Caregiver.
No negativity. You all can do this together.
Maybe your mother could buy you out of your half? She probably could pay your half of the mortgage and call it "rent" and then you can find another place to live that is better suited to protecting your mental health. Either way, you'd have to hire an attorney to draw up the rental agreement and make sure that you are protected. And remember that moving out does not have to permanent. But it does sound to me like, right now, it may be necessary if your mother refuses to leave.
Caregiving changes people. It has changed your brother. It clearly has changed you! But the only person you have control over is yourself.
Do no caregiving, make no meals. Tell your brother he needs to hire caregivers for mom if she needs assistance and paying for that comes from HER money.
What was your agreement about space before she moved in? Do you each have unfettered access to space? And he moved someone in?
It sounds like you come from a family with few boundaries.
Why do you think you should have access to his email account?
I’d strongly suggest that you also make an appointment with a lawyer, as soon as possible. You need to be quite clear about your rights in this shared house ownership, and your brother’s rights too. You may not need to go ahead and force the sale of the house, or a buy-out of your share. Simply making your rights clear to your brother may be what it needs to make things change. Your golden brother has his own psychological issues with the mother who has abused you both. At present he feels that he is in control of the situation, and can call the shots. The legal information may disabuse him of this delusion, and lead to the changes you need.
If you can, get out of the house. That too may change his delusion about getting a full time job and leaving the care to you. But a lawyer is at least as important as the psychologist.
Maybe if he does the caring, he will eventually decide on a senior home
I stepped completely away from her about 8+ months ago--in a spectacular door slamming rage (which neither of them heard b/c they are both deaf) but oh, it felt so good.
DH is SUPPOSED to be helping his poor sister with his mom. SIL went out of town with her family for 5 days and asked Dh to look in on mom. At a baby shower the day before they left she said "B will look in on mom, right?" and I replied "Nope. Pretty sure he won't. Sorry." Of course she got a little mad at ME, b/c I can't talk DH into doing ANYTHING....so yesterday as we're out for a Sunday drive I asked him if he'd ever checked in on Mom, as sis was away. He said (every SINGLE TIME he's left 'in charge') "Oh, crap, I am the WORST son in the world, I didn't even think about her". I just agreed and we went on our way.
She is a toxic and sick individual. I'd blame the dementia, but it's just her being more intensely her. I do not care if I ever see her again and my brain cannot hold the hatred she has for me. Dh can barely stand to speak to her--his involvement with her is to take her trash cans out every other Tues. He has done it once since he told SIL he'd step up.
Watching and listening to him sort through (finally) the toxicity and hurt that was his life for all these years. At least he'd stopped blaming ME for the lousy relationship he has with his mom.
He finally has established some boundaries, and will walk out on her if she gets 'too bad'. He still tried to blame me for the lack of a relationship with her---but that's a ridiculous argument. I gave and gave until I was thoroughly cooked and then walked out.
She's going to live forever, she states that all the time. She probably WILL outlive her older son, as he is bad health, and DH is not in the best health either.
How sad it is, really, when given a chance to LOVE, over and over, some people will chose anger, hatred and hurting. This woman has had challenges, but nothing that millions of other people have had. She truly, truly believes she's had to very worst life that anyone has ever had--that she's suffered more than anyone who ever lived.
That kind of thinking goes nowhere good. My heart aches for my DH and I am aware that his terrible relationship with his mother has really colored our marriage.