I'm caring for my parents, but childhood wounds are still there.

Where is your sister in all this? Why isn’t she helping you? I suspect there were a lot of jealous feelings in you for your sister that are still unresolved. Have a sit-down with Sis and explain to her that you are not OK with being the only one in charge of your parents wants and needs. Tell her what you will do and not do. Let her come up with suggestions about responsibility sharing. As long as you continue to shoulder all the responsibilities, no one will volunteer to help.

Your pain from your childhood sounds terrible. No wonder you feel the way you do. But, even if you didn't have that history, doing an unreasonable amount of work to keep your parents in their home, might be unacceptable. Some people stretch themselves really thin trying to run their ailing parents' household, while working a job and running their own home as well. If you keep doing it, your parent may think things are fine. If your mom has dementia, your dad must really be struggling. I might discuss things with him to go over options. To me, there is nothing wrong in laying out what you can and can't do. Your sister may not be inclined to help out. Some people don't. It's a personal decision. I hope you can find some peace.

Your question was "do I have to"? No you don’t. Period. Is there a reason your parents can’t move to a retirement facility? As long as you do things, the more they expect it and also they will not know the impact on your life.
You can decide what is and is not acceptable. Did you know you actually have a right as to do that? You sound intelligent and do not let a sense of obligation steer your decisions. You can be "responsible to but not responsible for your parents. What that means for you is a personal decision.
I agree with involving your sister. Do you have POA...medical and financial?
There is a great book I’d like to suggest on dealing with difficult parents like yours...it’s a quick read but valuable called Loving Hard to Love Parents by a psychologist Paul Chafetz. On Amazon.
There are options: having meals on wheels, or food delivery service, grocery delivery, lawn care by a company etc. or MOVING .
It’s best done before things get worse. Let us know what your plan is when you’ve thought it out. Maybe seeing a therapist to help sort your feelings would be helpful.

You have to sacrifice your life to be a caregiver and it gets far, far worse because sitters are too expensive you will have to quit your job which will impact your future retirement. If you feel any kind of resentment -- you better exit now--put them in a home, and that's that. Are you willing to clean them after they soil themselves? Can you do that? Bathe your own parents? Put up with resistance and falls (no matter how you try to prevent them, they still happen). And finally spend countless THOUSANDS of dollars of YOUR OWN MONEY? Diapers alone are about 50-cents a piece and you change them a few times a day runs into some serious money -- GLOVES cost $10 for 50 pairs and you absolutely have to have them. Incontinence supplies -- baby wipes, ointments, doctor appointments...and it goes on and on and on. If you feel resentful now you just wait what the future holds for you. In other words, you have not seen anything yet. My Obamacare is $700 a month for a single person with a $7,000 deductible (very close to that) and caring for my mom is eating me up alive. You have to really really really love your parent to be a caregiver and be willing to give up your life, future retire -- and sanity--for them.  I don't regret caring for my mom. I love her very very much..but it is at great cost to me. But I would not have it any other way. You have to realize what sacrifices you must be *willing* to do. You also need your friends sometimes to help you out to watch her while you do some duties--if you don't have friends or family to help,  you will suffer even more. 

Despite feeling very empathetic towards you, and, in fact, having had a childhood that mirrored yours in what amounts to similar abuse, at 81 years of age, I have come to terms with the fact that the commandment to "honor father and mother" does not come with an asterisk. I cared for them as doing it unto the Lord. It was not easy but it was satisfying afterwards...

God bless you,

Grace + Peace,

Bob

GM, I have similar feelings with my mom (only child, single parent). I stick with the phrase “make sure she’s okay and has what she needs,” so I get everything possible arranged for her, let her pay for it, etc., and I look in to see if anything’s gotten out of hand. You can look out for their welfare without doing the things. Start with some of the services mentioned above. Humbly, I cast another vote for some counseling, no one in your family has looked out for your feelings so enlist a professional who will. Your insurance will likely support it, with a small copay... Build a relationship and support that is only yours. Good luck. 🌷

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. Sounds to me like your parents did the best they could but had some emotional troubles of their own that impacted their parenting. My own father has paranoid personality disorder and in many ways was a manipulative and controlling bully. He was also an involved mentor who had the guts and drive to pull himself out of the gutter he was raised in and build a better life for himself and his family. He's the man I most admire and the gage I use to measure all men, but he left emotional scars on all his children. When I developed a understanding of what his childhood was like and how it had shaped him, it helped me understand that in many ways he could not help some of his behavior. The world was not fair to my dad and his hurtful actions were not fair to me. Like you, I also had anger toward the other parent who didn't step in to defend me. I wrote letters I never sent where I detailed all the unfair hurts of my childhood and then I burned them and let my anger go up with the flames. I forgave them and releasing that anger freed me to live my life without a chip on my shoulder.

You have a right to live your own life. Legally you have no obligation to help your parents in any way. Personally, I believe children have a responsibility to be an advocate for aging parents. Being an advocate means as they become less capable of handling the details of daily life, you step up to help them. That can mean finding a lawn service, helping with shopping, assisting in minor home repairs or aging modifications (like grab bars), finding in home housekeeping and daily living care, searching for senior apartments or assisted living/memory care options, helping them with Medicare/Medicaid issues, working with social workers to find options for their care. I do not think a child has a responsibility to provide "care" that significantly compromises their own life - either financially, physically, or emotionally. I have chosen to bring one parent into my home and to place one parent in assisted living. I feel a responsibility to make sure they have a good quality of life - a comfortable home with good food, medicines, and socialization - a chance to enjoy at least moments in their days. I acknowledge that I cannot deal with my father's dementia fueled obstinacy and verbal abuse; that he is more cooperative and less abusive to strangers and has a better life in assisted living than family could provide.

You will need to make the decision for yourself on where you draw your own line - what support you can provide for your parents without significantly compromising your life and/or what level of compromise you are willing to make/tolerate. The major transition point for me was when supporting my parents went from something I could do on my schedule to the "on-call" demand. As long as I could load the medicine boxes or take mom grocery shopping on a more or less scheduled basis, I helped them stay in their home. When I started getting multiple "I need help NOW" calls to deal with minor emergencies they could not handle, I realized the time had come to help make other arrangements because I would not always to able to answer those cries for help and there needed to be someone around who could.

I'm in a similar situation. My mother was a horrible person her whole life, particularly to me. She always favored my younger sister and wasn't shy about letting me know it. After 50+ years of outright cruelty and abuse, I finally walked away for about 10 years. When she started getting sick she suddenly wanted to see me again. Really because of my faith only, I agree to see her. If it weren't for my faith, I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her or anyone who is so mean and cruel.

She's 87 now and still living in her house as she refuses to leave. My sister lives nearby and goes there every day or so. I guess the situation will continue until she falls or something else bad happens. I haven't seen her for about a year, when she accused me of stealing things from her and threatening her, all kinds of horrible things. I feel bad about it and wish it were different, but I've accepted that this is the way it is and at least in this lifetime, it's not going to be different. I've talked to my sister 2x in the last year.

I know this isn't very helpful, but wanted you to know many people share your experience.

My husband is facing this with his own parents.  FIL passed a few months back & MIL is expecting to still be catered to. She has always been the leader of the trash-talking family pack, usually against my husband, me, or our children. FIL “allowed it” & never once stood up to her, even when the allegations were so far fetched they were laughable.  My husband talks about how he never felt protected from the physical or emotional abuse.  

It stopped during the 10 years my FIL was retired, because he catered to her every need and whim.  During that time we did everything we could to help them as they aged.  His siblings not so much — because they were “too busy”.  Well, we all are busy.  Now with FIL gone, the trash talking has come back full force, which actually makes it easier to only assist with absolute necessities.   What my husband deems as necessities and on HIS terms.  Sandy, none of what he does is out of love — it is purely out of obligation.

Let the favored, darling daughters bear the majority of her care. After all, they benefitted both financially and emotionally all their lives — from free before/after school child care all the way to a $50k “gift” for a down payment of a house the divorced daughters now share. As far as my husband is concerned, the bill is now coming due. I’m sure they don’t feel the same way, but oh well.

Someone on here said a long time ago “look after their needs, not necessarily their wants”.  This statement helped clarify a lot for us.  And as has been said on here many many times & in many many threads — BOUNDARIES!  Set them and stick to them.  In my husband’s case, that means what he will or won’t do & what he won’t or will put up with.  Again, out of obligation; none of it out of love.  

Are you doing this for them in hopes of getting the love and approval that you never got before? Sorry, but you wont.

Decide what you are willing to do out of the goodness of your heart. Scratch the rest. There are senior communities, assisted living places, social services that can help them. Be their daughter but not their slave.

As a previous poster said: "look after their needs, not necessarily their wants."
It is NOT your responsibility to care for your elderly parents - only to see that they are "cared for" - which is part of being an family advocate.

Establish boundaries NOW before things get worse. You have a right to your own life.

Addendum to previous - every one of us has "wounds" from our childhood, mostly in the emotional realm. Those will never disappear. Accept them - and move on.

Hi GingerMay - I hear you/feel you! But you are lucky your parents at least paid for your college. Mine sent me off - or rather I left - without a dime. I got my own apt. and started working at 18. But I have given so much to my mom and it's a tiring road. This weekend I started having "dark thoughts" - not wanting to even be here if this is what my life is now. I'm overwhelmed and praying for some guidance from above. And I just booked a couple of days away to one of my favorite places - but now the weather looks terrible and I had to cancel...really universe? Can a girl get a much needed break!? hang in there - but my mom is back living with me and I'm wanting this tour of duty to end and she can go to AL. She's not a pleasant person most of the time - very hard to please. Yes it's exhausting!

What would you say to a beloved child or friend in your position?

Both of my parents and sister have personality disorders and my dad and both siblings are alcoholic. My parents and sister lie, cheat and are cruel just for the fun of it. I'd go to the ends of the earth for a mediocre parent, or for one who’d apologize, but mine will not.

I believe that we get our due in this life, and won’t interfere with the laws of nature by rescuing my abusive parents at the expense of my own battered hide. My siblings, the favorites, disappear when my mother is sick or hurt. After I step in to help she denies that I was of any use at all. I told her that she’s on her own from here on out and that karma’s gonna get her.

The admonition to “honor thy parents” (no matter what) has been passed down through the ages by and for the benefit of parents. We rarely hear the biblical warning not to aggravate our children.

Please put your own life first from now on—no one else has or will.

Ginger
So many of our old wounds revive whenever we are confronted with caring for imperfect parents. I agree with TNtechie that forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. But the path to forgiveness is not easy. Many of the caregivers who come into therapy struggle with two desires: wanting justice for those undeserved wounds and walking the higher road of goodness and compassion. We are, after all, only human. We do not deserve to be treated poorly.

Several people have suggested therapy for your emotional pain. Wise advice. As a therapist -- and a wounded child--, I can tell you that it can help you heal that pain and determine what level of care you can commit to without guilt, shame, anger, or self-neglect.

nope you don't. my parents did not do half of the things your parents did for you. i graduated late in college because i had to work and pay for my tuitions, books, food. the only thing i had for free was the rent( i had a bed in the room with other family members) . mom always been overly criticized of me by the way i dress because i like loose clothing and tend to dress like i am working in a farm. all this gave me low self esteem and withdrawn from people. mom had been sick for over 5 years. I help so much but she never seemed to be satisfy. emotionally i am drain from all the negativity around me. Dad never had my back, his actions were always calculating and manipulating to me to a point that i didn't not have my own thoughts. i found out some other stuffs about my childhood that i can not say here. so no don't feel guilty as you are doing enough already. you can talk to your sister all you want, it is up to her to engage. take care

I question what you mean by not being mistreated when you were young. You are a caregiver now and you were a caregiver then, trying to please your parents who it sounds like they had their own codysfunctional behaviors growing up, and not sounding very loving and nurturing as parents. Shaming and disregarding a child’s needs is not what I consider healthy  parenting.  If you choose to be in an active care giver role now, consider your own emotional health and well being first. There are different avenues of support for you and your parents. Good luck!

Ginger may:

Your parents actions, as described are emotional abuse. There is an obvious difference between an imperfect parent and an abusive parent.

What you have described is emotional abuse.

Favoring one child over another typically indicates that the parent has some type of personality disorder. Typically narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may want to google that issue. It may open your eyes, and alleviate your guilt.

Abuse is abuse. It does not matter that your parents paid for college, much of the treatment you describe is emotional abuse pure and simple. The degree of abuse is neither here nor there. Any abuse is unforgivable.

Where is your pampered sister, now that your parents need pampering?

As for religious stuff, there are many quotes in the bible and other religious texts that point out that the "honor they mother and father" commandment does NOT apply to abusive parents.

No one would expect an abused wife to take care of an abusive spouse. The abusive spouse would most likely be charged with a crime.

Yet if a parent is abusive some ignorant folk, claim it is still the child's responsibility to care for an abuser. 

 Such guilting may stem from their own wounds and co-dependency or stockholme syndrome regarding their own abusive parents.

This is NOT however what religious texts say, if people actually read them.   Religious doctrines do not command abused children to honor their parents.  

If you still want to care for your abusive parents, that is your decision.

But, if you do not, you need not feel guilty. Perhaps you can call adult protective services in your state.

If you have POA, you can use their money to pay for assisted living or another type of elder care facility.

If you do not, and your sister does, then it is her responsibility to use your parents resources to fund their care.

In families with NPD, often the kind, responsible, hardworking child is treated like Cinderella, while the others, such as your sister are treated special, just like the evil stepsisters in Cinderella.

It seems as if you are Cinderella in your family and the parents now are calling you in to mop up the mess they have created by treating one child special and ignoring the emotional needs of the other.

If you do not want to pick up the mop, now, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Personally, I believe it is your parents who should feel guilty for the way they treated you.

Gingermay, I hear a lot of myself in what you say, even though our situations are very different. Your statement that you feel your parents don't deserve all you're doing for them, that is my problem exactly. Or one of them, anyway. And it sticks in my craw that my mother (who does not have dementia) fails to even realize how blessed she is to have the huge amounts of help that she relies on each day continue living "independently". Maybe I would have less resentment if my mother had dementia - she would at least have an excuse then. But it's sad in your case because it further reduces the (already slim) chance that you will ever get the appreciation and recognition you deserve.

No, you don't have to take care of them. I try to abide by the rule of limiting what I do for my mother to the extent I need to do so to keep my own resentment in check. It works most of the time, but not always. Last week I had to spend five days in a row with her, due to drs' appointments and some other circumstances. It was trying, to say the least. But if you try to limit yourself to doing what you can do out of care and concern, and not allow yourself to be roped into obligations you'll only resent, I think you will feel more at peace with the situation.

It is hard looking after an aging parent. My MIL has dementia and can be very demanding and nasty. I sometimes feel like never helping her again but not all of it is her. I take her to doctors and make sure she is cared for. She is in independent care and may soon need more. She is definitely not easy to deal with. She is also narcissistic and so feels we should cater to her. I think she is slowly realizing that we will not after 2 years since her husband died. I find you have to draw a line and find out what you are willing to do. I am not willing to visit when she wants only when I choose. I am not responsible for entertaining her or taking her places.

"Higher road of goodness and compassion" sounds judgemental to me.
You must take care of yourself also. In an airplane, if travelling with a child, they always tell you to first put your own oxygen mask on, and then you'll be able to put the child's oxygen mask. All parents, all of us, parents or not, are "imperfect". Don't confuse imperfect with actively "abusive".
And what about other responsibilities besides yourself - like your own family or your job or whatever. One can drown in trying to take care of one very needy person.
Having reread what I've just typed, it sounds awfully tough and hard. Don't mean it to be. Just want to create a balance.

Try your sister first and see if in a few months things have changed and you are not the primary caregiver.  If you give your sister "Power of Attorney" over your parents' health you might find that she is just like your mother.  So please Share it and see if this alleviates your burden....but if you give it all to your sibling then be prepared to be cut off of all in the end.  Worse, my mother started to make up stories about me so that she can get more out of me in help, and also, to turn my sisters away from me so that she can play victim and have my sisters bully me into submission under the auspice that my talking back was "abuse" ...?  More like self-defence.... as I had abuse verbal and some physical most of my life from my folks, as did my younger sibs, but, I being older was given a lot of responsibility, including surrogate marriage counselor and parent to my sisters. I am extremely empathic, and my mother belittled me further by telling me I was "too compassionate" towards them. She was right and was aware enough to know she was being less than a mother to us. Thus, it took a lot of therapy to get passed the social conditioning that we must honor our parents. It is not why we were born in that type of home. We learn the lesson of humility, we learn that too much compassion is not healthy, we learn that we expect love from the outside and lack it from the inside... we learn that we are almost akin to "codependants" because we are somehow still seeking love from the stones that gave life to us. Stones. Yes. Stones. Thus, I would suggest, as I have had a heart ultra-sound, EKG, and stuff because of the pain I felt from turning my back on them all. That the only thing I needed to do was to move far, and I did. To know that I tried over and over to get us all on board and my sisters to meet with me to discuss things in an adult fashion in regard to my mother's care of my bed-ridden father. Instead, I have had my nephews turned against me and calling me lazy, good for nothing and a word that starts with the letter C. If you have a friend or two, be not too reliant on telling them what you are up to, but, keep in touch sporadically, or is it that might be my wounds speaking?...as I do not trust people now. I have had to learn not to tell people things as if I do my plans fail. Much like a mirror of what I went through with my childhood. My mother would sabotage my efforts to learn or go out with friends. So now, as an adult, I learn meditations for the heart, meditations on loving your gifts, loving your humanity, loving your imperfections and accepting that you tried. It takes tears, it takes time, it takes exercise, and eating healthy,and going to classes in whatever you want to learn... as I have had to re-learn. It takes time alone and just like a drug, they are your addiction, so do not go back to the places where that "addiction substance" is or has been found in, example, the mall where they shop. Seriously, I have had to imagine, that I am a runaway, and that I have finally run away from the abusers, the next step is in fixing the holes that were left in you. I have learned to do "repatriation of lost segments of the soul" meditations. For every trauma they put you through, it is like a fragment of your soul leaves your body, and then it is stuck in that room, that location...and you have to imagine retrieving that part of you and bringing it back to you. Ask a counselor or watch YouTube videos on soul fragments. Also, it helps to magine that the past was a different "dimension" and you are able to jump into a new dimension, where those things never happened, and that you are a whole and confident version of yourself where you are now no longer on that life track but jumped over to a new track where you decide a future...you are a happy adult orphan. That's what I am now. I think of them sometimes, but their voices are becoming fainter. I will not go to the funeral. I deserve respect, and these people do not respect me. I am not going to be a bigger high road person by going to that funeral...I am no longer living in that dimension. This is my current truth, and even if it alters in a year or two...I know that during this time, I have never done so much for myself, and to help myself move forward and find my own ground and not have to rely on external acceptance from family...nor friends. For that was my lesson...to love me and my imperfections and thus, not need anyone to approve of me. I believe that they are narcissists, and unaware and that they made me their scapegoat to remove all sins off of themselves. I hope my words are taken with a grain of salt and are pondered on and hopefully truly helpful to you.  You might not think you need therapy, and that is fine, btw, I just wanted to paint clearly what it is that might be giving you this need to be such a good "kid" to your parents.

Question: Could you look at yourself in the mirror if you don't do all you can for them?

We didn't pop out of Mom with an instruction manual. I have come to learn, all parents think they are doing the right thing (well, most of them anyway) but it's all trial and error.
Kind of "the proof is in the pudding" stuff - no one knows the repercussions until much later in life.

If you need more, how about "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" - - one day, hopefully, we all will get old.

Hi 1givingup:

You wrote: [" Thus, it took a lot of therapy to get passed the social conditioning that we must honor our parents.

It is not why we were born in that type of home. We learn the lesson of humility, we learn that too much compassion is not healthy, we learn that we expect love from the outside and lack it from the inside...

we learn that we are almost akin to "codependants" because we are somehow still seeking love from the stones that gave life to us. Stones. Yes. Stones. "]

Your post offered excellent and compassionate advice, from someone who has been there.

Unfortunately, people who think that all parents are doing their best, or would never harm their own children, are people who are in denial, or they are co-dependent, or suffering from stockholme syndrome, or they had amazingly caring and wonderful parents.

This type of denial, though, is harmful to a person who has been abused, all their life by a malignantly narcissistic parent.

I am not talking about a parent who has treated all their children equally and has always been a "good enough" parent, and then suddenly has dementia and becomes nasty.

I am talking about parents with a personality disorder.

A parent with NPD has always been that way and will never change, and nothing the adult child will do will ever be good enough.

Your suggestion for GingerMay to seek therapy is an excellent one.

A good therapist will recognize the abuse and will not encourage GingerMay to stick around to be further used as a doormat or punching bag by her family.  She will point out that codependence is an unhealthy state.

A good therapist will not guilt GingerMay or anyone into "honoring" these types of abusive parents, unlesss it is something Gingermay wants to do.

Could I look at myself in the mirror if I didn't do everything I could for my parents? Hell, yes!!!

This idea that our parents tried to do the right thing - with all due respect, I call BS on that! They make enough excuses for themselves without us making excuses for them. Neither of my parents ever cared about doing the right thing. They cared what was easiest, what was most convenient, what was most gratifying to them. It doesn't take an instruction manual to raise children in a nurturing environment. It takes a modicum of compassion, respect for others' feelings and point of view, and willingness to extend oneself. My parents lacked those things, and it appears GingerMay's did too. I wouldn't feel obligated to care for them either, except in a minimal "responsible adult" sort of way.

Lake Erie- I really relate to your story. In my case, my sister regularly steals from our 90 y/o widowed moms house. Then, either I or my husband are blamed for the missing items. She tells her neighbors that we don’t visit because we do not care about her & says we are lying about my theiving sister!!! It has become impossible and we are at the point of not visiting her anymore. I expect that it will just get worse until something forces her to have to be put in a nursing home.

I can relate to many of the posts here. I was a parentified child. My mom has always leaned on me for support from a young age to be her therapist, confidant, mediator between all the family drama, etc. It took years for me to break free of that cycle and do what was best for myself and my own growing family. Unfortunately, I again recently ended up taking mom into our home due to her declining mental and physical state and am in the position as her legal guardian due to my sister's abuse of mom, both physically and emotionally. I had a talk with mom though, and have made clear that this living situation in my home can't be permanent, but that I am working on getting her the best care possible, whether that be in-home care (her home) or assisted living. I know some might view it as selfish, but mom is only 56 and I am 37, and I just can't give up my privacy and put my time with my husband and kids (ages 17, 12 and 20 months) on hold for 20, 30 years or more, while mom's emotional, psychological and physical needs drain me dry. She has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (which may actually be symptomatic of early Parkinson's as she's had muscle stiffness/movement issues also), and has a lot of fear and anxiety. I know it is just as frustrating for her as it is for me, and that she didn't ask to be sick, or afraid, but I think I can honor her most if I do what I can and then make sure we get some good professionals to do the rest so that we don't end up totally resenting each other.

I like the "care for their needs not their wants". I feel what we owe our parents is a warm place, food, safety and to be clean. Parents become like children especially with Dementia. They are used to things being their way. We and them have to get out of the mindset " We want to keep Mom/Dad in their home" This is not always possible and when it starts meaning we are taking care of two homes...decisions have to be made and boundaries set. What are you willing to do, pretty much what you are doing now? Then tell your parents that when they need more help with upkeep on house, cooking, bathing, etc that's where u draw the line. They will need to take advantages of outside services. Because...You can not do it all and get the other involved too. Otherwise, maybe they should consider an Assisted Living.

Honor thy mother and father, it tears at my soul when people try to guilt others with God's word. Honor does NOT mean give up yourself and your life to care for abusive aging parents. It means respect them, not ask how high when they say jump. Aarrgghhh! I am a God loving God fearing woman and I am here to say stop people. If you need to use God's words to force yourself to care for your parents, so be it. I do not feel that we are obligated beyond making sure they are safe, fed, warm and cared for, that does NOT mean I have to be boots on the ground. It means I make sure it is happening to the best of my abilities. We can not control our parents but, we can control ourselves. I believe that we are also told to separate ourselves from unbelievers, so if I believe and my parents don't do I just walk away? No, I make sure that their needs are met, if I had a sibling that wasn't a complete drunk, I would do my best to get their help but, I would not feel obligated to dance to my parents tune or ruin my own life to accommodate them, loving, caring, respectful humans DO NOT DO THAT TO OTHERS, PERIOD.