I'm losing my mind.

You can't depend on anything that isn't in writing and is not revocable. My advice is the same as it was a couple of days ago. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children first, so a job still sounds like the best idea. Waiting for someone to die to inherit a house maybe sounds like a very bad idea.

Let me take a stab at this and hope that someone else will come along with more precise answers on some of the questions.

1. A Durable Power of Attorney addresses financial and legal issues. A Health Care POA a/k/a Health Care Proxy, a/k/a Living Will and probably a/k/a other titles addresses medical care that you may or may not want and may refuse.

When I drafted mine, I included a provision not to be kept alive if I became paralyzed. Of course, that was my intention, I didn't hire an attorney, so I'm not sure if an attorney would include such a provision. But it was my wish.

2. Got me on this one. I'm not even sure what a GPOA is in relation to a beneficiary. I'm not sure I've even seen a "Primary Beneficiary" designation in EP dox.

3. Rules - whose and what rules? Were these created by whoever holds the assets you may inherit? Who owns the home and how is it titled? Is the bequest in a Will or Trust? I don't know where the "several pages of details are" but that does sound like a lot of reading.

Honestly it seems to me that someone is going out of his/her way to create obstacles so eggregious that you won't want the house. And if it were me, I'd refuse to agree to anything that restrictive. But the question is whether you're in a position to find another place to live and whether or not you want to be literally tied up and legally trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey in order to inherit the house.

I don't know of any specific way to prove you're not "greedy" but query why you would have to prove this.

It seems there are some really intense family dynamics going on here and you're being put on the defensive, and that these dynamics are complicating a lot of relationships and personal issues.

Perhaps it's time to step back and sort out your priorities, with caring for your grandfather, and apparently soon your father, and put aside the family issues. Let them battle things out between themselves.

It's also time to focus on your life, career and plans for yourself.

You've written about getting a job; I see that you like animals. Perhaps you could start with a part-time job at one of the animal shelters or with a rescue group.

I know of someone who segued into a position with an animal shelter by creating his own animal care service, walking dogs and providing vacation care. That would give you some creds on your resume.

JessieBelle, That's what I thought, if its not written we are in trouble! I am looking for a job :)

GardenArtist, Im glad you were able to do that without an attorney.Yes, the rules are made up by my Aunt and she claims my grandpa was in on all of the rules but he admits to only two of them,possibly 3rd. He signed it, but was already blind at that point. The house goes to her and when all the rules have been followed and time passed I may own the house! hahahahahahaha I say!!! Because the way its worded, I cant.

With no job I cant move anywhere, so Im stuck. My plan is to save for a used old mobile home so I have it as a backup. I do feel greedy at times and get defensive because I have been told to my face by family" why cant you be like..."sally" Why arent you smart like them?" Your choices in men are always bad( ok, most times it was but one in particular I couldnt be with because they were black-even though they were a TRUE man!!!) Gentle loving etc... , if you went and got a "real" degree ( I have a Bachelors in Multidisciplinary- ok yes, bad degree but I was planning on a masters in something.. oh wait what grandpa told me to do Nursing or Teacheing!!! But I always wanted to be a Veterinarian or own my own business like a day care or special needs place for kids and adults. I mean, Ill take any job I can, but my career path was shot down! It was a rule to get the house and now there's no Teaching Jobs here( ok a few not for what Im qualifying in and the Human Resource Lady there told me for every job they list, theres anywhere between 20- 100 applicants applying) Plus Im not bilingual but am trying. But, looking at the pages of rules, what they told me didnt even match up to the papers!

I want to prove that Im not such a horrible person- far from perfect of course, but I really thought I wasnt that bad. I want them to realize that because this my legacy and my name and yes, my feelings and I do care for others, esp my family money or no money. Its like no matter what I do, Im wrong and not good for anyone. They as well as some of my exes and ex friends have put me down so bad, I have no self esteem, and I feel Im going to mess up everything and anything I do. Yes, been told that. Its funny because as a kid, I had confidence, dreams I had it all planned out. Yes, even that young I knew adults had some troubles but I was ready as I could be and told my self as I grow I will learn what everything means and I can do this!!! I haven't seen that confident girl in over 30 years.

I talked with my neighbor and told her what am I suppose to do like my very first post I asked what more can I do for grandfather, it was her and her husband who feel this way, possibly others. She said AFTER he dies then you can look for a job, what? Ill lose the house, there's no money to pay ALL the bills. My dad can cover taxes that's it. Im getting older now, already being turned down jobs due to my weight, age and lack of experience. I am 37 years old,nothing to show financially for my years on earth. They already dont want me now, in 5 years, Ill have no chance!! Even my Aunt who made or agreed or whatever the rules said to work NOW !

Great idea on the animals, I am going to get started on that, at least until I get hired somewhere :)


Thank you both so much..

Again, I never pay attention to my grammar errors, sorry folks

Your thoughts are the same as mine, Garden. I wouldn't give anyone control over my strings for a piece of property. There is another huge question, Me1000. After the people who now own the property are gone, how would you pay utilities, insurance, maintenance, and taxes without a job? Especially if you had to meet the guidelines laid out for you. It seems that a job is the most important thing in helping resolve your problems.

I know, I was so focused on my kids having a stable home to grow up in, I could never afford to buy one on my own, ever. My grandpa kept saying it too. How lucky to have a house what other grand kids would get one etc. I agree with him! Also, stable for custody issues helps me keep custody.

Thats what Im worried about, the bills, I dont like him paying them now! It should be me! I feel like a free loader although he says Im not because those years I went to school and cared for him. Even with a job, I know I wont get this house unless he puts it under my dads name or mine.

I agree, a job will solve a lot of problems. Im looking again Monday, Great points and thank you JessieBelle!

You were writing at the same time as I was, Me1000. I see you've already considered all the things that I said, so please ignore the last message by me.

No, I am glad you wrote and gave me the advice :) You have also put up with me and all my million questions, most the same and I cant thank you enough! Hugs

Me1000, thanks for the insight into the family situation.

Put bluntly, I think your aunt is jerking you around. This almost sounds sadistic.

Have you applied for Section 8 housing? Even if you had to move to a more populous area, it might be wise as you'd be away from the family and could refocus on your own life.

I'm going to be blunt - you don't need to prove to the relatives that you are a good person. Do you think you are or are not? That's what matters.

It seems to me the relatives have you jumping through hoops, eploiting what they may perceive as low self esteem. which you acknowledge you have. I'm not trying to be critical, but it's time to start building your confidence and move into your own life instead of letting your relatives dominate it.

Good luck; it is hard to pull out of an abusive situation (emotional or physical) but you at least can see the situation for what it is and can stop being the whipping post for these abusive relatives.

Years ago in another era when people actually read books in print, I bought one titled Smart Cookies Don't Crumble, by Sonya Friedman.

smartcookiesdontcrumble.com/

Notwithstanding the catchy, cutesy title, the book was a revelation into manipulative, controlling and dominating behavior by men and women alike.

Your description of your relatives' behavior reminded me of the manipulators.

I never finished it; I kept reading the first several chapters over and over.

Friedman explains how people manipulate, in ways that I never realized were manipulation. And apparently recognition is the first step toward moving out of the arena in which it can occur and finding your own strengths.

It can also help you regain the self confidence you need to move out of the emotional prison of being put down repeatedly by others.

Plan your self confidence journey, and don't look back.

You need an attorney. And counseling. If you are willing to jump through all of these ridiculous hoops, you are either greedy or so brow-beaten that you can't see the forest for the trees. Which is it? That's not normal. That's not the gift of a loving grandparent. That's a gift with strings that will strangle you. His conditions are absolutely ridiculous. No good will come from this. Guaranteed.

I'm reading all between the lines here and have the feeling your family disapproves of your past. This gives them the feeling you'll not handle resources well unless you prove yourself to them. The thing here is that often the road children choose for themselves are guided by the parents -- even if it is just giving no guidance at all. It is bad when a family tsks-tsks a child, when they are the ones that put the child on a road they disapprove of. Most families will never see this.

The best way I know to deal with this type family is to succeed on your own merit. What I wish for you is you find such a good job that you can buy a house your really want. And I hope you find a fellow that you like, no matter what color, and know he can be with you in your own house.

I think the best wish for you would be confidence. I envy so much the people who can go after jobs or other things they want with complete confidence. I wish they sold it. I could use a few buckets of it myself.

I just read the last line of what Garden wrote you. She and I fell on the same thing -- confidence -- so there must be something to it.

GardenArtist, I do feel like my Aunt is jerking me around and she is promising my grandpa she will continue to pay their education that he left for them. 10 minutes before that conversation on the phone my grandpa said he started to not trust her. After an hour of her pleading and begging and getting mad on the phone not to change the power of attorney for their fund, he agreed. In my heart, I feel she wont keep her word.. So my kids will be ripped out of their schools overnight. Yes, 98% of kids are fine when changing schools for any reason. But you see, my kids have issues, one with ADHD/ODD/Sleep Issues/Violence and possibly Bi Polar. My daughter may have Autism ( great in school but other noticeable issues- note mental issues run on my moms side) So ripping them out , esp my daughter is not a good idea. I cant afford that. So Im having the warning talk that there might not be money after all ( grandpa told her himself there would be but she shes how my Aunt is acting and all the families fighting over the house and their education fund.) Oh, I never applied for Section 8, Ill look into it. I will get that book thank you. Hopefully one day you can finish it as well.

MaggieMarshall, growing up my sister used to call me a kiss as$ because I talked to all the family, tried to make everyone happy and I would also agree to go to the big family dinners or when we had them at the house. I did whatever they asked because I was not one to hurt their feelings if I did not. I didnt like it when people fought or was sad, it made me feel bad. I liked being around people and family and loved the memories. I have been "controlled" by my family my whole life but never complained until I was a mom myself. I still get controlled. If I had my own money and able to pay for my own home, of course I would! Would I still jump through most hoops to keep my family together and not fight and help my grandpa, again, yes I would! Heck, when my rich cousins and I, sis were little, they ran to my one cousin who also had money and said" we like her better because shes not poor". I still am hurt by that and they still feel that way. I have given what little I had to friends and family who needed it because that's who I am. I am my families puppet because my" grandpa and others have done so much and everything for me and my kids, that I am a greedy bit$% if I dont do as they ask and this is one way to repay them" Yes, I have been told those exact words by some family and neighbors. Am I greedy because I dont want my kids to be homeless, ok, then, yes I am. But again, I am saving every penny for a cheap used old mobile home for my kids, dad and myself. I agree the conditions are ridiculous. Thank you, and yes, we should go to counseling, good idea.

JessieBelle, They do disprove of my past. She we are Catholic and I wasn't "pure" at marriage or after the divorce, drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. Dropped out of school because the teacher would call me and others "Stupid" and make fun of me when I bit my nails in front of the whole class. She was abusive. So since I had issues with schools, struggle skipped high school, went to College but struggled again, failing many classes having to repeat them. So thats the worst I was, no arrests, no getting in any other trouble at home or school ( when I was at school), still helped family through the years. Overall, I thought I wasnt half bad. But yet.... Aunts daughter and my sis caused major tantrums, some violence, boy trouble even more severe than mine, they also drank and smoked... still various issues with them!!!! My neighbors who are talking, their kids are getting "serviced" as my grandfather calls it, not married, issues with schools as well etc. Some of the neighbors as well as families relationships were bad as well! But yet, I get blamed for it, Im everyone's step stool, stepping mat etc. Yet out of the other "trouble making kids" I have made the least trouble!

I drempt I had a job last night at a Vets office and it was my first day, maybe second, I messed up on the time schedule! So, no, you all are right, I have no confidence and feel I will keep failing at everything I do.


Thanks everyone.

" I still get controlled. If I had my own money and able to pay for my own home, of course I would! Would I still jump through most hoops to keep my family together and not fight and help my grandpa, again, yes I would!"

This is a classic justification - "if only" ...if only I were beautiful, if only I were slender, if only I had money... classic perhaps unconscious justifications for not achieving what you want to do.

If you're serious, you need to start with these "if only" attitudes because they're a major hindrance to moving forward.

You need to think: "I don't have x, y and z, but how can I start, move forward and achieve my goals notwithstanding these limitations?"

You have a lot of challenges; try to turn them around and think more positively about them. Spend more time figuring out how you're going to achieve your goals instead of being defeated before you start.

"So, no, you all are right, I have no confidence and feel I will keep failing at everything I do."

Well, I think I just made my point.

As to your daughter, contact social services at the county level and see what help there might be for special needs children. And forget about the so-called inheritance and all the fighting between your grandfather and your aunt. It's just dragging you down like quicksand.

You're the only one who can change your attitude and your life. I don't intend to be blunt, but in this case I think it's necessary. Otherwise the time we spent trying to help is wasted.

Me1000, it wasn't my intent to be critical but rather to be very frank so that you can begin to realize how the quicksand of your family dynamics is affecting your life, your children's future chances of happiness and success, and your own attitude toward escaping those dynamics.

I didn't intend to be cruel but I did want to be blunt in stating that until you make a commitment to move forward and get away from all the family feuding and LIMITATIONS they're imposing, you're not going to be able to move forward.

And if you don't have the confidence that you can do it, you probably won't. So start there. Start working on that job that you want.

GardenArtist, your right and I know it. You aren't being cruel, you have also been wonderful putting up with me! I feel like I dont have a mind of my own and when I try, it gets pushed down. I dont feel like me and every time I go to start something someone shoots it down for one reason or another. Its hard to see my grandpa and dad in so much pain, so tired and weak, I dont know what else I can do for them. At times my grandpa says I do enough, care for my kids and dad, look for a job and I got better but later that day he says I should have everything done and labeled etc like so and so, and I still have to improve this or that, your never here etc. Never there, ha! All night off and days, all morning yesterday in fact.

My daughter loves to shop for anything and can spend hours doing so, ( clothes typical teen girl hehe) very active in school and A/B honor roll! She wants a job at 16 and plans for college although shes not sure what she wants. Shes very able and smart to handle a job, drive, live by herself, no worries there. But I see your point about services and such, i will look into them anyways.

I know what your saying, I even started looking for a job on the Comp today and so far 2 call centers..1) I have to be bilingual no exp necessary but preferred...2nd) 2 years costumer service experience!! Vets, same, experience and bilingual. Ughh.
So one vet trains for the course but I have no money to pay yet, so Im looking at other places still. But yes, Im worried about my failing at it. I have to figure it all out.

A caregiver with no confidence.. yikes, great mix. I dont know how to gain my confidence back.. I will read those books, counseling was a good choice to, going back to school would help, but no money to go. Im gonna check( I used up all financial Aid) Maybe there's some free classes or groups to go to for confidence building?

Thanks again :)

I was thinking, IDK if I mentioned this on the other posts, but my Aunt only gave me a copy of my "rules" after my grandpa wanted his will and we had weeks of back and fourth that I had to be a teacher or nurse she said thats not in the papers. I kept asking what is then.. she hesitated and sent me a copy.

So, if my grandpa never looked for his Will, Im thinking I would of been "surprised" with a 30 day notice because I didn't follow something I didn't know about!!!

If Gpa is only blind, he can still do a new POA and will. Have him call his lawyer and you two meet with him. Maybe you can get some changes made and get a copy of that. Sounds like Aunt is trying to pull a fast one on everyone. I do agree you should look for some kind of job and/or education. Good luck with this!

I think you need to start tomorrow with a new attitude and let the feuding family do as they will. Sometime soon you have to take charge of your own life and tell dear Auntie to go bother someone else. Get those big girl panties on, set your own priorities, make those hard decisions for you and your kids and move along on this journey we call life.

You are stuck on the bus to nowhere with this endless family "stuff". Sorry to be harsh but I think we have about run out of "new" suggestions and you are just about out of excuses.

pamzimmrrt, He has multiple problems besides being blind but I think you meant if he had any sort of Dementia or Alzheimer 's which he does not have. He is forgetting some things( yes they are keeping a close eye in case) and has had hallucinations when hes dehydrated. ( Drs said he was fine in hospital after he was hydrated and cleared him of them) . He can barely walk, CHF and pace maker, high blood pressure ( on pills but under control and reg readings) High cholesterol, ( also under control) and heart burn issues. But ok overall. He does have an appt with a lawyer coming up. I am bringing those rules in to see what the lawyer thinks. Afer all this my grandpa still trusts my Aunt with the kids education fund. He wont change his mind because she promised him. Well, as angry as she is at me, you never know. As far as the house, Idk what will happen either. Thanks, I been looking every time I get on the computer and will be going in to check on those applications this week!!!

littletonway, I know everyone has helped me, and Im working on it all and taking all your suggestions in and using them. Yup the only excuse I have and guess always had, is allowing myself to be every ones puppet all these years out of fear of hurting them , and causing more issues. But, I have to give this one major quick "bang" and get a lot started like yesterday! I have to find and use my voice.. Oh I did this morning too!!!!

Grandpa is upset I come at 6:30 pm every night and stay 12 hours" because hes asleep mainly and we dont get much time together and during the day its on and off". I said" Grandpa, I used to come after 8pm and you weren't happy and you needed more help, so I left tucking my kids in and helping with anything else after quick dinner and H.W" to be here. If I didnt have kids and I was rich, Id be here 24/7 but Im not" So you will have to understand I love you but I CANT!!!! And WHEN I find a job, I will be here less, no guarantee on hours, we will hire you help, and thats that!" I love you and worry so thats why you or I will hire someone!!!" And the 6:30 pm will go back to after 8pm if I work late so I can be with my kids before they sleep" I promise you will be fine we love you"

Well, I did it!!! I love him but need to put my kids first! Not same level as him. I had a lot to think about last night. One day at a time ( but quickly)

Thank you both and everyone!!!

If Gramps' promise isn't in writing, it isn't worth the powder to blow it up. That's #1.

#2? Get a job. Be a role model to your children instead of a caretaker to your gramps. It'll pay higher dividends. You obviously have more family that can shoulder the burden. It's only yours because you won't have to get a real job that way. Sorry, but that's how I read your posts.

Yes, I agree with you on number 1.

I have wanted a real job, and have looked on and off. For the first years, I was in school, Im a dumb person i guess because it took me every effort and several tries to pass Math, Spanish and another one, and I also had health issues.( still do but not like before) My grandpa insisted do school only to find a better job, I had a full time job offer at a min wage place years ago and my grandfather said he kick me out because I was in school and willing to drop and continue the next semester. When I was done, I have looked but have not been hired. I was also caretaking a little for my grandpa but also have a son who no one would watch after the 2nd time because of his violence. I went through a lot of people. Now that I was looking again, my grandfather had a downfall in health and a care taker quit( have one left still ) they came a few hours in the am. I been told my neighbors caretaking for gpa IS my job and wait until after he dies! Um No way!

The only other one who was willing to care for my grandfather was my dad who is dying himself from CHF and heart Valve issues, Diabetes, DJD , etc etc. But he ripped his valve worse by lifting him. All the other so called family who can go take yearly vacations for a couple or more weeks, who are retired wont come on even part time basis. Oh maybe a night a couple of them once every 2/3 years, my Aunt used to come every few months for a few days but that has changed due to her and my grandfather disagreeing on everything.

I will not be receiving money for myself or any of my bills from my grandfather either way so the day he dies, everything stops, in fact, its stopping now because he needs more help. Which is fine by me. I have been wanting a job and am scared as heck because I also have my kids to care for I dont want to lose them. The only places I havent applied yet are convenience stores like 7-Eleven, banks (no Army because Im a single mom and I couldn't pass the PT). But I am going to give in because I am desperate. Im sorry you think Im the one whos greedy but, if you were in my family you would understand. I have been far from perfect but never would I take and take. Also, I am the one who convinced my grandfather not to give everything to my kids, to give to his other family. I am the one who is is telling him there are 3 caretakers who can take my place and he will have 24/7 people with him and I loose him paying bills for us. I already asked those people if they would like to, and how much, now to get grandpa to approve.

Caring for a disabled man, who I have cleaned up vomit, urine, loose bowels when he had CDEF, lifting him, cooking, cleaning, getting verbally put down how bland or bad my food is, how perfect these other kids are because they got straight A's in school -stayed in school, waited til marriage, etc, (except for the few times says Im doing a good job ) spending several hours at Dr appts at times, losing even more sleep when I dont sleep good because I need to hear him call or catch him before he does fall , or help put on his clothes when his back is hurting so bad he cant really move. To me, money or no money Its work. But I dont mind helping him , I still love him and he does done wonderful things for us. But I f Im going to get paid, I would like to get paid for a real job that takes taxes out instead of him paying my bills. Im old and need experience :) If Im not hired anywhere in the next week, its door to door time asking to clean their homes. ( I tried to start a business of that but didnt work)

Thank you for responding and thank you for your views. I will find a job and will throw on some tunes and dance around when I get one! Take care :)

"Im a dumb person..."

Me1000, if you don't stop putting yourself down and justifying caring for your family, I'm going to give up on you!!!!

Now, get rid of that "dumb me" attitude and stop justifying subordinating your life in favor of people who aren't treating you with respect.

Next post you write, I want to see some positive thoughts about actions you've taken to get a job. And remember, even an entry level job isn't forever - you learn what you can, leverage it, and get a better job.

If you have a Costco, they hire on a union basis with good pay and benefits here in my area. The union takes a cut but you get good benefits otherwise. They also don;t require a college degree. It may not be a status job, but it will pay the bills. Don;t limit yourself on what you are looking for. Is there a nursing home in your area? You have skills they need! Keep your head up and keep looking!

Me1000 have you thought about going to your state's Division of Employment. You can meet with couselors that will help you with looking for a job and make recommendations on job skills you can learn. Your experience with caregiving would go far becoming a Certified Nursing Assistance. You may even qualify for free job training or schooling.

GardenArtist- I know I shouldn't of said that. Well, on the bright side, I DO have a Bachelors!!!! ;) I am going back to school to get my masters one day. I dont mind an entry level job, thats all I qualify for anyways and it will get me the skills I need if one day I move up somewhere.

pamzimmrrt, great idea!! I will apply there as well. Ill take anything but I wouldn't mind stocking either. I like doing that stuff. IFunny you said that, before my grandfather went blind I actually started a CNA class but quit because I didnt feel I was cut out for it.

Debralee, Ok, Ill give them a call today after I look that up hehe. Hmm you and pam both think I should be a CNA actually so does my friend... well, I do have the experience now and do love talking with people, Ill go check it out. If anything it could be a temp job until I can find something else.

Thank you all :)

Well, Idk if any one is still viewing my thread, but instead of making a new thread for the same thing, Ill keep it here.... No need to respond, just want to keep from going nuts...( online journal type thing for me I guess) But.. guess what I did???

As I mentioned I still have health problems but most days Im good but tired. As I mentioned I slipped and fell a while back later my calf muscle was pulled,it is better but still painful when walking for extended period or if it gets touched. Anywho, my daughter is sick, I am sick now as well. So, I have to take my grandfather to an appt 2morrow so today, I decided, all day Im going to rest because Im dizzy, a fever is starting and just feel blah. Well, I sent my dad and son down for lunch and dinner to gramps and my gramps was sooooo mad!!!! He wanted ME to come down and fix it, ME to visit!!! My dad is ill as I mentioned and he got mad I asked him to answer the phone and handle gpa today... ( gpa usually asks for me anyway is why he got upset and my dad will always feel blah )but gosh darn!!!!!

Well.. you all might be wondering.. " I bet she gave in and went down" NOPE!!! I got blasted by grandpa "that I never feel good Im always sick or sore or cleaning..hes putting my lunch down again today that I cooked for the proper amount!!! "

.....................I replied to BOTH dad and grandpa" Well, what are you going to do when Im at work, you say work and yet you are complaining and mad at me when I cant come down ( unless emergency of course Id go) but you have dad or /and my son to go?" This is only the first day!!! He wouldn't answer me then told me call a neighbor who I really have nothing to do with and see how she made out from the Drs. Umm, all of a sudden I call to say" hey" I said not today grandpa, Im resting myself and maybe tomorrow Ill call her. Ill be there at 6 tonight, he got mad and hung up on me!!!! Did I do as he wanted? NO!!!

I was saying to them gee I guess I cant work until you both are dead, is that what your both saying? Well they both got mad and said no its not that, right now your not working so you can. Well, they have to get used to it!! Emergencies of course Ill be there but ya know, my health.. ya, maybe it is getting worse. I love them but if they cant or dont want to be alone they can hire more help.

First baby step taken here, im struggling and feel bad about it, but, I have to do this. All day, I did nothing except feed my kids and rest. Thats it!!!! All about.. me! At least today!!! Just thought Id share a little good news, well what I think some of you would say was good news, I stood up for me! A day at a time! Thanks all

You're right - baby steps, one step at a time. Congratulations on taking that step.